The black fabric is tight and constricting - making her feel as though she can't breathe. Then again it's probably not the dress - maybe it's the reason why she's wearing it. It's supposed to show that she's mourning but she feels like that's an understatement. Nothing - not the clothes she wears or any amount of words could properly describe how devastated she is or how lost she feels. Her brother and mother are gone - killed by a fire that could have taken her too. A fire that should have taken her - at least that's what she thinks.
"Erin we need to go." Her dad bellows from downstairs.
She rolls her eyes and wipes at her cheeks, knowing that she's just going to get yelled at when she gets down there. The black cardigan lying at the foot of her bed gets picked up and she pulls it on as she takes a few deep breaths - trying to brace herself for the day ahead.
Her legs are shaky - making her feel unstable as she takes cautious steps towards the stairs. Both of her hands go to the railing to prevent herself from tumbling down to the first floor. It's a sensation that stays with her and even intensifies the closer she gets to her dad. They haven't really talked much in the last few weeks and when they do it's only him yelling at her for this or that. Their relationship has become strained since that night. She's not sure if the deterioration of their bond is stemming from the cold way he told her or the way he made her feel like it's her fault that they died but she hates it.
She'll never forget the way he walked into the house after the search. The fire dwindling down on a large portion of the northernmost mountain. His shoulders slumped forward and his gaze set ahead of him as he moved towards the liquor cabinet - pouring himself a glass of amber liquid and drinking it in it's entirety before clearing his throat. He still hadn't looked at her and she could feel her heart pounding in her throat as she waited with bated breath for him to tell her what she already knew. It wasn't until he started to walk away that he uttered the words and told her that they found her mother and brother's burned bodies. Then he was gone - disappearing up the stairs and into what was now just his room. It was as if he couldn't be bothered to stay with her and it made her feel so alone.
"We needed to leave fifteen minutes ago." He reprimands her - effectively breaking her from her thoughts as she gets to the front door.
"Then why are you just now calling me down here?" She refutes and it earns her a glare from her father. With a shrug of her shoulders she moves outside.
Looking back at the night of the fire, she reminds herself that no matter how detached or disconnected she's become with her dad. She's never been alone because she had her rock sitting there next to her - the best friend that anyone could ask for. He kept her grounded that night and has everyday since. And as he walks towards them with a bouquet of lilies and daisies - a mixture of her and her mom's favorite flowers - she tells herself that she'd be lost without him. A sad smile dances on her lips and tears trail down her cheeks as she takes in the oversized black button up - that she knows couldn't possibly be his because he's drowning in it. Then her eyes travel down to the dark blue jeans and black cowboy boots that he's wearing.
He moves in to give her the flowers and then he pulls her into a hug that seems to last longer than it actually is. But she's ok with it - feeling the tension held throughout her body, melt away while in his embrace. She pulls back first after hearing one of the truck doors slam. She gives Jay an apologetic look before they walk to her dad's truck but as they're climbing into the back - he looks back at them - his dark eyes, cold and lifeless.
"What are you doing?" It's a question that causes both teenagers to stop in their tracks. Erin and Jay exchange a confused glance before looking back at the man in the driver's seat.
"You need to get back to work." Hank points back to the stables to the side of the driveway as he glares at Jay.
He looks at Erin again and then looks down. "Sir, I-"
"It's ok Jay." She whispers to him as she squeezes his hand - causing him to lift his head - his eyes meeting hers once again. A single look - a silent exchange between the friends lets him know that as much as she wants him by her side - she knows her dad is not one to be reckoned with - especially today. So with a quick nod from each of them, Jay backs out of the truck and closes the door. She stays focused on his unmoving figure - with tears trailing down her cheeks as they begin to drive away.
The memory restarts from the beginning as her dad lectures her about how she doesn't need to leave the house to figure out the legal actions that'll bring down the rustlers. She sets down the plate she made for him on the table in between them. Her hands quickly moving to straighten her blouse when she catches her reflection in the mirror set atop the mantle over the fireplace. Then she combs her fingers through her hair as she goes back into the kitchen.
"We went over this already Dad. I need to go to Jay's office to find evidence that it was who we think it is and then I can lay out a plan to get them arrested and charged." She explains while she finishes making breakfast.
"You don't need him though." He argues and she rolls her eyes. It's not the first time he's said this in the discussion and she feels herself become even more frustrated.
"Why do you do that?" She rebuttals as she plates the last breakfast sandwich and covers it with tinfoil to help keep it warm during the drive to the office.
"Do what?" He acts oblivious and she frowns at that because she knows he understands exactly what she meant.
"Randomly make it seem like I don't need him. You did it when we were kids and you're doing it now. What did he ever do to make you not trust him with me?" Her brows furrow with her words.
"It's not him I don't trust." That statement cuts deep and she tries not to let it bother her but she inevitably fails - feeling angry tears pricking at the back of her eyes.
"Look Erin, it's just that you two have been spending a lot more time together and I don't want either of you to get hurt-" He tries to explain but she just shakes her head causing him to stop talking as she walks towards the door.
"And by either of us you mean him. Because I always hurt the ones I love, right? Is that it Dad? You're afraid I'll hurt him or something you would probably think of as worse, that he'd leave your precious ranch?" She runs out of breath from the onslaught of rhetorical questions she fires at him.
"That's not what I was saying kid." He tries to think of what to say but she just waves her hand at him once she gets her shoes on.
She picks up the plate she set down on the entryway bench. "No, but you didn't have to. I know it's what you meant."
Then she walks out the door - making sure to slam it as she steps onto the porch.
The tears that were threatening to fall before begin to spill over her lids as she climbs into the truck. That same memory from the day of the funerals replays in her head again as she turns the key in the ignition.
Driving down an open road helps clear her mind but her heart continues to pound. The thought of seeing Jay makes her feel a little more at ease - it calms her knowing that she'll be able to void out the noise - the mess of emotions left from her dispute with her dad.
Her hands turn the steering wheel to guide the truck onto the street she needs to be on. Taking another right and she's there - pulling into the spot next to his Ford pickup. Thinking of seeing him again causes a giddiness to spread from the pit of her stomach and throughout her body. Her moves are rushed as she gathers her things and climbs out of the vehicle.
XXXXXX
The hot beverage warms her hand as she carries the mug to her boss. Her eyes are focused on the dark liquid as she moves slowly into his office. She only lifts her gaze from the coffee when she gets close enough to take in the handsome face of the new commissioner. The memory of how he rejected her when she asked him out gets pushed from her mind as she proceeds towards his desk before setting the ceramic cup on the edge closest to where he's sitting, typing away. Her eyes then travel along his arms - admiring how the sleeves of his shirt are rolled up leaving some of his skin exposed. One forearm was completely covered in black ink and the other was dusted with freckles. The muscles moving - almost twitching as he rhythmically presses the letters on the keyboard. And it's a sight that causes a chill to run up her spine as she thinks about those muscular arms being wrapped around her.
Jay has to say her name a couple times in order to break her from her thoughts - startling her enough that she bumps the desk. And it's as if the mug falls in slow motion - the hot beverage spilling all over the blue shirt Jay's wearing.
He lets out a frustrated sigh as he stands up - looking at the brown liquid seeping into the material covering his upper body. No words are said as he makes his way to the closet next to the small bathroom attached to his office. Once he grabs one of the shirts from the small space he moves into the bathroom. His soiled shirt is taken off and placed on the rim of the sink before he pulls on the new one. He works on pushing the buttons through the loops as he walks back over to his desk just as his assistant finishes cleaning up the spilt coffee. She disposes of the dirty paper towel before looking at him.
"I'm sorry." She whispers as she steps forward to help him finish buttoning his shirt.
Her eyes peer into his as she gets close - closer than they've ever been before. Then she looks down at his lips - being afforded the opportunity to take in the couple freckles scattered about the plush, pink pillows. It's a sight that draws her in even more, so much so that his breath is ghosting over her face and in an instant her lips meet his.
He thinks about how wrong this feels as she tries to deepen the kiss but his mouth remains closed and still. This isn't what he wants but a part of him yearns to continue this - telling himself that it'd be easier to be with her. He knows that it would hurt less to be in a relationship that doesn't come with an ultimatum but the aching he feels within reminds him that his heart belongs to someone else. So he tries to push her away - albeit weakly because he doesn't want to physically harm her but she holds her ground.
Words of how she needs to stop are muffled and get cut off with the sound of someone walking into the office. Then he freezes again - hoping with everything in him that it's not who he thinks it is.
XXXXXX
Her heels click against the marbled flooring as she makes her way down the hallway of the precinct that leads to multiple different offices and units - officials ranging from detectives to Commissioners and District Attorneys. She takes in the pictures adorning the walls until she gets to the new brass plaque with 'Jay Halstead - Livestock Commissioner' on it. Another smile comes to her face seeing the shiny piece of metal with his name and title on it. The main door is open and she peeks in but the room is empty so she continues in. She knocks lightly before slowly turning the doorknob. Her heart drops with the sight that's revealed as she steps over the threshold of his office.
Jay's hands are on the brunette woman's hips and she's gripping his jaw tightly - keeping their lips pressed together. That is until they hear Erin walk in, then his assistant lets him go and takes a step back before taking a seat on the edge of his desk.
All color drains from Jay's face as his eyes meet Erin's. He moves to stand up but Erin shakes her head - giving him a sad smile. It was one that was supposed to tell him that it's ok but he sees through it and steps around the desk while fixing the top two buttons of his shirt.
"I umm...I'm so sorry. I'll uhh...leave this out there and come back another time" She's flustered which causes her to stutter and stumble over her words as she lifts the plate in her hands a little.
"Erin wait." Jay pleads as he goes to grab her arm to stop her. She gives him another small, halfhearted smile before pulling away from him.
He sighs as he follows her out of his office - watching as she places the plate of food on Bethany's desk and scurries back out to the hall.
"Who was that?" His assistant asks as she walks up behind him and places a hand on his back.
He ignores her question and moves out of reach while also turning towards her. The realization of what he allowed to happen with the younger woman causes his heart to grow heavy again. His mind becoming fogged with confusion as he thinks of the look on Erin's face when she walked into the room.
"I need to go and I need you to be gone by the time I get back." He shakes his head as he goes to grab his hat and keys.
"Ok since I'll be leaving early, did you want me to come in early tomorrow?" Bethany asks sweetly as she toys with the collar of his shirt. He gently pushes her back and looks into her eyes.
He sighs seeing the hopeful look held within her sparkling orbs. "No."
Her eyebrows furrow as she continues looking at him - taking in his serious expression.
"I'm sorry Bethany." He starts and she tucks her hair behind her ears in a bashful way.
He shakes his head to let her know that he's not done. "I let this go too far. I didn't put my foot down or set proper boundaries with you. I'll take fault in that and shouldn't have been afraid to hurt your feelings. But this - what just happened was not ok and if anything like that happens again, you'll be done here." With that statement he walks away - stopping just in front of the doorway.
"Take the next few days off. Think about if you can remain professional." He tells her with his back to her.
"And if I can't?" She questions as if she didn't hear anything that he just said.
"Then don't bother coming back." He shrugs and walks out.
He quickly dials her number just before he gets outside and scans the parking lot - straining his eyes and searching for one of the ranch's trucks. Her voicemail message comes through the phone and he sighs again as he spots the pickup next to his and presses the red button to hang up the call. The phone gets pocketed while he walks up to the truck - seeing her sitting in the driver's seat with her head resting against her hands that are set on the steering wheel. His heart thumps in his chest - knowing that she's hurting and that it's his fault. He continues towards the passenger side and is thankful when he finds the door unlocked. He tries to be quiet and his moves are cautious as he climbs in next to her.
Her breathing is surprisingly calm and almost even as she remains in her spot for another moment before she sits up. She combs her fingers through her hair in a nervous way as she stares out at the road ahead of them.
"I'm sorry." She whispers to him and if he wasn't already looking at her - staring at the side of her face to try and see if he can read her thoughts then those two words would have gotten his attention.
She can see his mouth open and close a couple times in her peripheral and she waits to see if he'll actually say something before she continues. "I'm sorry for making you think that you owe me an explanation or an apology Jay, because you don't. It's me that owes you one. I didn't mean to make it seem as though I'm not happy for you when I rushed out of there. Because I am-" She pauses to swallow the lump in her throat. "I am happy for you, truly. I guess I was just a little taken aback."
"But it wasn't what you think Erin." He tells her as he slides a little closer to her and places a hand on her thigh but she pushes him away.
"It's ok if it was though." There's that sad smile once again as she finally looks at him. "I'm the one who hurt you and made you choose. And I'm the one who put you back in the friend zone as some kind of fucked up defense mechanism."
She doesn't miss the way those words make him flinch ever-so-slightly.
"But as your friend - your best friend I'm supposed to be happy for you as long as you're happy." She takes his hand in hers and brings it up to her lips to place a gentle kiss to the back of it.
The stinging pain radiating from his chest renders him speechless once again and he finds himself unable to tell her the truth about what she saw. And the words of how he feels about her also get lost somewhere in his throat. He only manages to mutter a couple words of how he'll meet her inside as he moves out of the truck and retreats back into the building.
She slams her head back against the seat and closes her eyes to try to keep herself from crying. But the aching of her heart intensifies - knowing her dad was right and that causes a couple stray tears to trail down her cheeks.
Eventually she pulls herself together enough to go back inside. She's relieved to see that there's no one else in the office - grateful that she doesn't have to face his girlfriend. Her hand is a little shaky as she moves her clinched fist up to knock but her hand never meets the wood in front of her - the door being pulled open before she gets the chance. Both of them gulp - as if they hadn't just seen each other minutes ago. Neither of them know where to go or how to address the elephant in the room. So they push down their feelings and get to work on the case.
He pulls up the information he found on the ranch and then let's her take his seat. She seems unsure when he gestures towards the chair but eventually sits down in the large, leather piece of furniture. Her glasses get put on as she scrolls down the screen.
"This is all good intel." She says as she gets towards the end of the last page.
"But?" He urges sensing that there's more to that statement.
"It doesn't tell us the why. What made them feel like they need my dad's land? And why is it so important that they're willing to steal and kill for it?" She finishes and he nods, because she makes a good point.
"I don't know but I'll try to find more on them." He tells her and it's her turn to nod.
"And I'll dig up some history on our ranch." She adds as she stands from the chair and goes back to her previous spot across the room.
Neither of them say anything else as they each set out to do what they said they would. And they spend the next few hours just like that - looking through the rest of the database and the public records they could find on the internet before deciding to call it a day when their searches come up empty.
"I'll see you back at the ranch." He tells her as they reach their respective vehicles. She nods once more before climbing into the truck.
Her heart aches again when she hears the song on the radio. It's a song she's tried to avoid for over a year - skipping it whenever she heard it in her car and even changing his ring tone to the same basic one as everyone else. It's a song that they used to consider theirs and now it just serves as a reminder of how badly she messed up what they had. And how much she misses being more than just friends with him. She doesn't change the song this time though - instead choosing to listen to the lyrics that she hasn't heard since the last time he was in Chicago and she finds herself singing along towards the end as she pulls onto the driveway of the ranch.
Her feet move of their own volition and carry her through the front door and up the stairs. Her belongings and clothes are discarded and thrown throughout her room once she closes the door and makes her way into the ajoined bathroom. The steam and hot water help wash away the day for a little while before she decides to get out.Throwing on a singlet and some sweatpants before grabbing a blanket and heading back downstairs. She snags a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet before going outside.
She sees Jay pull up in front of his cabin and finds herself wondering why he's just now getting home. The thought of him stopping to see his assistant, girlfriend or whoever she is to him, rips her heart to shreds. Needing to drown out the pain she twists off the top of the whiskey. The amber liquid burns as it rolls down her throat and a fresh batch of tears come to her eyes. She watches as he moves towards the new stables - assumingly checking on the mares housed within before making his way back towards his house.
His hand immediately goes to the gun in his waistband when he hears movement within the cabin. He points the barrel towards the floor as he quietly moves forward but then he sees the intruder and places the gun down on the table nearest to him.
"Voight?" He questions seeing his boss sitting at his kitchen table.
"I was hoping that you'd seen Erin or that she'd be here." He explains as he looks down at the glass in his hand.
"She didn't come home?" Jay questions - his eyebrows furrowing in concern.
"She did but disappeared after she took a shower and grabbed a bottle of my whiskey." He shrugs and Jay scoffs at the callousness of the older man's statement.
"When you find her, let her know to come talk to me." Voight concludes before he leaves.
Jay picks up his gun on the way back to the door. He looks up to the roof of the main house and smiles sadly when he sees her sitting there.
He pushes a chair against the side of the house, using it to start the climb up to the roof. She's just staring out towards the ranch, a half empty bottle of whiskey in her hand. Her back is to him, the blanket she has draped around her leaving the skin of her shoulders exposed to the cool air. She seems unfazed and in a daze.
"How'd you know where to find me?" She asks without even looking at him. He's surprised, more by the fact that she sensed him join her than the question itself.
He shrugs as he takes a seat next to her. "Your dad was looking for you. And I knew your other spot was empty from when I went into the stables. So I figured it was a a safe bet that you'd be here, because I'm pretty sure that this has been one of your other hiding spots since I met you."
She lets out a sad yet content hum as she takes another swig of the whiskey.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks as he scoots closer to her and places his coat on her shoulders.
"What's there to talk about?" She shrugs as she offers him the bottle in her hand. He accepts it but doesn't take a drink from it yet.
"Whatever you want. We can talk about you and your dad or-" He stops as he looks over at her to gauge her reaction. "Or you and me."
She just shakes her head.
"Fine, you don't need to talk." He nods "But I do want to say that I'm not dating her or seeing her in capacity."
"Ok." Is her simple reply as she continues to watch the sun set in the distance and that's when he takes a pull from the bottle still in his hand.
They finish the rest of the whiskey just before the sun completely disappears behind the mountains. Then he helps her down off the roof and he walks her to her room where he helps her into bed.
He smiles fondly as she burrows herself into the plush comforter and pile of pillows. The urge to lean down and press his lips to her forehead becomes too much of a temptation and so he moves in to do just that. He watches as her eyelashes flutter as he pulls back.
"I want to take you somewhere tomorrow." He murmurs to her and thats when her eyes open a little more.
"Where?" She questions as she turns toward where he's sitting on the edge of the bed near her legs.
He just shakes his head and tells her it's a surprise before kissing her head once more and standing up.
"Goodnight Jay." She whispers as he walks to the door and he repeats her words just as he turns off the lights. Both of them unaware of what the next day will bring them - making them equal parts nervous and excited as they lie awake in their beds for some time before they manage to drift off into peaceful slumber.
