She remains in a deep slumber even as he moves out from under her and goes to the laptop still sitting open on the dresser in front of the bed. He takes in the handful of empty energy drink cans sitting around the compact computer. It causes him to worry again as he looks back at her while she cuddles into the warm space he left behind - a content hum passing through her slightly parted, pouty lips but her eyebrows furrow in confusion - as if even in her sleep she notices the absence of her body pillow - that he's not there to snuggle up to.
He manages a sad smile at the sight of her, despite the dread hanging over him as he thinks about what this day brings with it every year - especially since he knows she'll put up a front because they're not on good terms. Even with the way she caved for him just hours ago, he knows when she wakes up her walls will likely already be rebuilt. She'll push him away and shut him out in the same way he did her - tit for tat. They're too much alike in regard to sharing what they're thinking or feeling with each other in the moment. He's just hoping that this time will be different. That she'll tell him how to help carry some of the weight resting on her shoulders. And that she won't wait until she's crumbling under the pressure of everything to let him in. Because he knows all too well, that no matter how strong you think you are, the weight of some things can become too much for one to carry alone.
Those thoughts get pushed to the back of his mind as he shoots off a text to Mouse about them taking the animals back to the Voight ranch. He asks if they can make the move without him and is grateful when he gets an of course in return. The screen of his phone goes dims just as the laptop lights up after he taps the mouse pad. He squints his eyes to see the rather small font on the flowchart still being displayed on the computer. His right index finger moves across the touch pad beneath the keyboard until the cursor is hovering over the plus sign next to the word Zoom. Once the words are more legible he's able to process the chart and the information held on it quicker. And he scrolls down a little every few seconds to take in the lower half of the complex diagram. It's not until he gets to the last few bubbles, that he realizes that the chart is one of many documents saved under this file. He keeps moving down the documents - finding that there's easily a few dozen pages of criminal history for the family of rustlers. Almost every one of them has been charged with at least three things. Things from public indecency to DUIs and various accounts of domestic violence. But there's one that stands out the most - a crime committed by the patriarch of the family of misfits. It's something that ironically sets a fire within Jay as he reads the details of the case of arson that lead to the man getting locked up for a few years until his death just a couple months ago - just a week before the cattle were stolen and Hank was shot.
He takes a minute to mull over that information before continuing; hoping to find a connection. Instead he finds deeds to ranches and empty lots of land - one of the names hitting him like a slap in the face. His head begins to spin as he goes over the words on the screen over and again - trying to understand what his girl uncovered. The thought of her makes him take a break from staring at the screen and he smirks still finding her fast asleep. He lets the relaxed state she's in calm him and his breathing soon returns to normal. Then he returns his attention back to the laptop.
He wonders how she found all of this but he supposes that it's part of her job - it's what makes her so good at what she does for a living.
"Jay?" She murmurs into one of the pillows - as if on cue - like she could hear him thinking about her.
He reads the last few words on the page he's on before looking over his shoulder once again. His smile returns seeing her still curled up in the same place as she was the last time his eyes were on her, just a few short minutes ago. He feels like he physically gets pulled toward her until his legs meet the edge of the mattress. Her eyes are still closed and he debates with himself on whether or not she was just talking in her sleep. But he can tell by the way she's breathing that, that is not the case.
"I thought I dreamt that." By the way she whispers the simple sentence he thinks that she may not realize that he's now standing close enough to hear her.
"Dreamt what?" Jay questions as he squats down next to the bed and gently brushes some of her hair out of her face.
She looks over at him then, her hazel orbs still bloodshot from the last few days and it breaks his heart to see the trepidation and apprehension held inside. The next few moments pass like hours as he awaits her response. Both of them taking in the other as if they haven't seen each other in years.
"I didn't think that you actually came here. I thought last night was all a dream." She admits and he can tell there's more she wants to say but she's using caution with him - causing him to think back to those walls of hers. Her eyes fall to his hand resting on her forearm that's slung over her abdomen.
"Erin." His voice is soft and warm but there's a warning tone within it as he moves his hand from her arm to her jaw and tilts her head back up - her eyes meeting his once again.
"I'm sorry." She murmurs to him and it gets him to move up and sit next to her - allowing her to melt into his side.
"I know that I fucked things up for you these last few weeks and probably even before that." She sniffles and he pulls her in tighter - hoping to show that he's sorry too as he begins to the say the words out loud. But she stops him - unbeknownst to her - she keeps him from saying what he wants or rather needs to tell her.
"But I really was-"
"Erin." He sighs to stop her and then whispers his apology; feeling shame wash over him as he thinks about his part in things getting up fucked up between them.
"We don't have to talk about that today." He adds and she takes a deep breath and remains quiet for a few minutes.
"Do you remember when I would sneak into your room at the main house while you were still healing from that gunshot wound?" She asks him and he immediately nods.
"We thought we were so slick but my mom knew." She tells him and he must admit that he's intrigued, having never been told such.
"How'd you find that out?" He asks and a sad chuckle passes through her lips before she relays the memory to him.
It should be a happy day. She should be glad that her best friend is all healed from the wound in his side. But she has to admit that she misses him. Even though he's closer to her than he was at the old barn - he's not as easy to get to. Especially since she had gotten use to sneaking into his room every night for the last two weeks. Talking to him until one of them fell asleep - usually her drifting off in the chair next to his bed. It was worked into her nightly routine. And now when she goes to the room that quickly but temporarily became his, she feels an overwhelming and somewhat exaggerated sense of sadness because she misses him. And since she's still grounded she isn't allowed to leave the house, the only exception being for school and to tend to her animals. Even if she wasn't forbade from leaving, her dad wouldn't let her go to the bunkhouse because according him, it's no place for a girl to be. She rolls her eyes as she thinks back to that conversation - knowing he only said that to keep her away from Jay.
Her feet carry her over the threshold of the room and she soon collapses onto the nicely made bed - the smell of the shower gel bought specifically for him still present on the pillows and comforter as she nuzzles into the soft fabric. She isn't sure how long she's lying there before there's a faint knock on the door as it's being pushed open and then closed shortly after.
Her mom comes into view a few seconds later. There's a sad, sympathetic smile on her face as she looks at Erin not making any effort to move.
"I called you down for supper a half hour ago." Her mom whispers as she combs her fingers through her daughter's unruly hair.
"Sorry I didn't hear you but I'm not really hungry." Erin mumbles back and it causes her mom to press her hand to her forehead.
"No fever. Is your stomach bothering you Honey?"
Erin just shakes her head and sighs.
"Would you refusing my cooking have anything to do with Jay moving into the bunkhouse?"
Erin tries to pretend she doesn't know what her mom is talking about - contorting her face in mock confusion. She moves up a little; curling her body into itself as she pulls her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them.
"No mom." Erin answers sternly as if that was the most ridiculous question she'd ever heard - even though her mom hit the nail on the head.
"You'll still get to see him Sweetheart - probably even more than you were before." The older Voight woman tells her daughter as she pulls her in for a side hug.
"I'm pretty sure Dad will keep doing everything he can to make sure I don't get to see Jay at all."
Her mom chuckles at her dramatic response before smiling down at her.
"He's just doing what he thinks is best for you - being a dad who just figured out his little girl has her first crush." Camille whispers the end of her statement and that confuses her daughter more than the sentence itself.
"I don't have a crush on Jay." Erin denies as she sits up and rests her head on her mom's shoulder.
"It seems you do my dear." She argues and Erin is about to try and refute it again. But her mom continues "It may have started out with you and Jay just being friends. But I can tell he means something more to you." She argues as she looks down at her girl again. "And I can't say I blame you, he seems like a nice young man - handsome too."
"Mom!" Erin feels herself blush, heat rising in her cheeks as she recoils with her mom's words.
"I'm just saying-"
"Mom, please stop." She mumbles as she moves towards the edge of the bed.
"Fine, I'll stop and I'll talk to your dad too."
"Thank you." Erin sighs in relief and lets her mom pull her in for a side hug.
"I just have a couple conditions." Camille tells her and Erin nods hesitantly as she waits for her mom to give her the condition.
"I already told this to Jay but you have to stop skulking around the house. No running to his room - well the bunkhouse in the middle of the night." She says first and Erin looks up with wide eyes this time.
"She had this knowing smile on her face while I just looked at her in shock. But I shouldn't have been surprised she was one of those moms that could tell what we were doing while she was on the other side of the house or when her back was turned." She sniffles a little but he guesses it's to prevent her tears from falling, since there's no sign that she's actively crying and he can't help but lean down to press his lips to her forehead again. It's an act that comforts them both as they remain cuddled up to each other.
"So you had a crush on me - even then huh?" He wiggles his eyebrows and attempts to joke but it isn't well received so he drops the idea of trying to lighten their moods.
"I kind of feel now like I felt at that time." She admits and he hums in question - wanting her to elaborate.
"We're closer in distance physically but it feels like we're further apart than ever before." She explains and he gets that, his heart feeling even heavier.
They both let that sink in and they ponder it - even Erin as they hold each other tighter - as if it'll make the statement less true. Then, suddenly, she tries to pull away and it confuses him. He keeps his arms around her before eventually letting her go.
"And it's why I dove into the case. I want to wrap things up; actually help you and my dad and go home - leave you both alone." She whispers next and Jay shakes his head but either Erin doesn't see him or doesn't want to as she continues out of his arms and off the bed.
"I thought it'd stop the memories but it seems to be making it worse. My mom's name is on some of the documents and then I got to the deed for your family's ranch." She tells him next and he nods remembering seeing the deed himself.
"Do you know what my family's ranch has to do with the rustlers?" He asks, immediately regretting it when he sees her head fall so her gaze is on the floor.
"I'm sorry for asking." He tells her as he moves over to her but she's now pacing in front of the bed.
"I've been asking myself the same question." She admits and he nods. "But I can't figure it out."
"Maybe it'll help if you take a break." He suggests and she comes to a stop with her back facing him.
"The problem might be that you're trying to forget your memories and ignore your feelings to focus on others." His hand wraps around her forearm and turns her into him, so they're facing each other.
"I'm fine Jay, I just need to-"
"You're not fine Erin." He shakes his head, effectively stopping her from lying to him. The words of how he's there for her and how she shouldn't feel like she has to bottle everything up or face the grief by herself get uttered into her hair.
She sighs as her head falls to his chest and she clutches the sides of his shirt. He sees the vase of flowers Nadia must have left on the nightstand next to the side of the bed that Erin was sleeping on. The purple petals give him an idea and he murmurs if she wants to go somewhere with him. She's hesitant, he can tell by the way she tenses a little but he eventually feels her nod.
"I'll let you get changed and then we can go." He kisses her head again before he leaves her be and exits the room.
He closes the door quietly behind him and leans his head against the wood for a moment. He then ventures over to the living room and kitchen area.
"Hey, how's our girl?" Nadia asks as she finishes pouring a cup of coffee and starts to fill up another mug before moving towards Jay and offering the second cup to him.
"Thanks." He tells her and she nods, giving him a look to let him know that she's waiting for the answer to her question.
"She's the same but I'm going to take her up the north mountain some." He shrugs and Nadia nods, the worried look still on her face.
"Are you-"
Nadia doesn't get to finish what she was going ask next before Erin walks over to them. The latter doesn't say a word as she makes her way over to the coffee machine and pours herself a cup.
Both Jay and Nadia take in the fact that Erin combed her hair back so the top half of her dark waves are tied up in a loose ponytail. She's dressed in a pair of black jeans and a denim jacket over the t shirt she was wearing last night. They all remain silent until they finish their coffee and then they're bidding each other goodbye before Jay and Erin leave.
They turn onto the gravel drive of the Voight ranch and he sees her tense a little. He thinks about just taking her back to the apartment but decides against it - knowing she'll let him know if she changes her mind and decides against going with him up the mountain. So he keeps driving and pulls right up to his main cabin not far from the Voight house and the stables.
He's grateful to see that Kevin and Mouse made it back with his horses already. Taking a moment to see that the trailer is already empty before he looks over at the woman next to him.
"Erin." He gives her thigh a gentle squeeze to get her attention when saying her name doesn't work. His gaze falls to the puppy still curled up on Erin's lap as she strokes her fluffy coat.
Erin continues to stare out the window for a few more seconds before she turns to look at him. He nods towards the cabin and she nods at him.
"I don't want to ride - not today." She tells him as he leads her to the stables.
"Ok, I uh..." He struggles to think of what to say because he honestly didn't see that coming but he realizes that he should have. Or he should've at least taken into account that she may not want to jump back onto the saddle today. But he knows it's the fastest way to get where he wants to take her and it's the only way other than walking themselves. So he continues to think of what to suggest. And what comes to mind makes him a little nervous but he gives it a shot.
"Would you feel better going together - sharing a saddle?" He asks and she looks like she's going to say no but to his surprise she nods.
"Alright." He nods back and he saddles up his horse.
There's a silence that stretches over them until he finishes securing the back cinch. It continues even as he hops up and holds his hand out to assist her. And he sees the look of apprehension return to her features before she places her hand in his.
She remains quiet as they venture halfway up the mountain. He just takes her in - trying to remember if he's seen her like this before. But he doesn't think he's seen her this shut down or withdrawn before. Like everything they see from the trees, streams and the couple wild animals they come across leave her unfazed and she appears detached from herself. His arms instinctively tighten around her as if to try and bring her back to him and protect her from the onslaught of emotional pain she's in. She leans back into him a little more at that and it's an act that makes him feel a little more at ease - especially as she rests her head on his shoulder.
It's not long after that, that they reach the spot he set out for. He's thankful to find the space in full bloom, the colors of the petals seeming more vibrant than usual.
"Jay." She gasps as she takes in the sight before them. Her back is still flush against his front for a minute before she jumps down and looks at the wildflowers surrounding them a little closer.
"Did you do this?" She asks, her voice cracking a little at the end and he shakes his head but she is still looking down at the knee high plants.
"No, I didn't." He answers and she glances up at him with furrowed eyebrows.
"My dad?" Tears springing to her eyes as everything she's been trying to bottle up come rushing to the surface.
Once again he moves his head from side-to-side as he too looks around.
"I discovered it years ago when I was taking the herd to pasture nine. I thought the same thing, that your dad must have done it - he must have planted them but when I brought it up, he denied knowing anything about it and so did the rest of the wranglers." He explains and she nods, as her eyes fleet from the flowers to him as he too, jumps down.
"Now every year I make sure to pass it a couple times. I always thought it was astonishing that a place of great loss could turn into this - a space of peace." He tells her and she nods - turning her head a little away from him. Surely trying to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks but he doesn't miss it. And he wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her again but he gives her space - lets her process whatever she needs to.
Memories of the last time she was here flash behind her eyelids as she closes her eyes. She tries to calm her breathing by inhaling the smell of the flowers all around her. The sweet fragrance having erased the angry scent of the fire all those years ago. She lets that, the sounds of nature and the cool air blowing by calm her. And when she opens her eyes she sees her mom and brother walking through the circle of bright yellow flowers. A sad smile graces her face as they wave and then turn - the image of them slowly fading away. When they've disappeared completely she turns towards Jay and walks over to him until she's able to reach out and hold onto him. He doesn't respond at first, just making sure she's where she wants to be before he embraces her - wrapping his arms around her like he wanted to just minutes ago. And soon he feels sobs wreck her body and her knees give out from under her. He holds her up for a minute before deciding to let them fall the ground. And that's where they stay until the sun begins to set.
On the way to his cabin, he can already see the difference in her. She's still down and her walls are still up for the most part but she's a little less tense and he hopes that there will come a time where this day doesn't hurt her as much. That it won't make her suffer for the rest of her life. But if it does - if this day continues to bring her down, his other hope would be, to be by her side - just like this, everyday, every year for the rest of his days.
