DBZ - The Thingy

Goku - (rummaging through the house) CHICHI! Where's all the sweets around here!

Chichi - I threw them all out the other day Goku. Half of them had expired like five years ago!

Goku - No! That's when they get good! I need my daily sugar high! God, there must be something around here remotely sweet! (finds a huge, industrial sized bag of powdered sugar) Ah, this will do just fine! (swallows all of the sugar in the bag) Ah...Sweet, sweet insulin...AGGHHH!-- (clutches his chest) OH BOY, CHEST PAINS-- NUMBNESS DOWN THE ARM-- DIZZYNESS-- CHICHI...I THINK I'M HAVING A...A...A BIT OF A GAS ATTACK HERE...(collapses to the floor) Uhh...Things going dark...Room spinning...Must...be really bad gas...(passes out)

(hours later at a nearby 'discount' hospital)

Krillin - Tell me Doctor, is he going to live!

Man - Sir, for the last time, I'm only the janitor here; I DON'T KNOW!

Krillin - DAMNIT DOCTOR, JUST GIVE ME THE TRUTH!

Man - SECURITY, GET THIS CRAZY MIDGET OFFA ME!

Doctor - Ah, Mrs. (looks through his papers)...'No last name listed'...Okay...

Chichi - Are you the doctor for my husband?

Doctor - Yes, my name is Doctor Affenschwance.

Krillin - (gasps) You mean the famed Doctor Affenschwance of 'Preparation A.S.S.'?

Doctor - The one and the only! Now, to answer your question Ms. Chichi, you're husband suffered a massive sugar-induced anaphylactic stroke. His brain and body both suffered extreme amounts of damage, but by some miracle, he managed to survive.

Chichi - (sniffing) Is he going to be alright?

Doctor - Well, it's too early to say for any certainty, but I have my doubts that the damage done to your husband's body will ever go away. He will probably be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and be on some sort of life support system.

Chichi - (crying) Oh God...Goku...

Doctor - With a lot of hard work and some luck, Mr. Goku will probably be able to lead a decent life by himself. Though,
I can't really promise anything 100 percent.

Krillin - Can...Can he hear us right now?

Doctor - Yes, I believe he's partially conscious at the moment. You can try talking to him if you want.

Krillin - Okay. (walks up to Goku) Hey Goku, old buddy...I just wanted to say to you...WHERE THE HELL IS THAT $50 YOU OWED ME FOR LAST WEEK YOU BASTARD! You know, I have been patient; in fact, extremely patient-- but enough is enough! I want my Goddamned money now, or I'm gonna start crackin' some skulls here!

Chichi - Krillin, that's enough! Goku needs his rest!

Krillin - But Chichi, he still owe's me $50 for that stupid mega-sized hotdog he bought last week at the county fair! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DEBT THAT THING PUT ME IN!

Doctor - $50 dollars worth?

Krillin - I-- ...(long silence) (pulls out a steel pipe from nowhere and starts beating Goku with it) GIVE ME MY FING MONEY YOU BRAINDEAD BUGGER!

Doctor - Security!

(two guards come in and drag Krillin out)

Krillin - YOU'RE A DEAD MAN GOKU-- A DEAD MAN! (gets dragged out)

Doctor - Well now, I'm sure with friends like that at his side, your husband will recover in no time!

(later on, at Goku's house)

Goku - (in a coma with an IV drip in his arm)

Chichi - Now Gohan, I'm going to go out for the next few hours to pick up some groceries. I want you to stay here and look after your father while I'm gone. And I mean it! No goofing around or any silly business, just do as I say, alright?

Gohan - Okay mom.

Chichi - (leaves)

Gohan - (glances over at Goku) Wow, that's sure a lot of stuff they've got him on. I wonder what goes through this tube?
(pulls a tube out of Goku's mouth and starts inhaling the fumes) Euuuughhhh, man this stuff is weird...(keeps inhaling the fumes) Oh yeah, that's nice...(inhales some more)

(two hours later)

Chichi - Alright, Gohan I'm back-- (gasps in horror)

Gohan - (still inhaling the fumes) Oh yeah, this is some good sht here...

Goku - (gasping for air violently)

Chichi - GOHAN!

Gohan - Huh, wha! (looks over at Chichi in a trance) Jesus Mom, why do you have a rainbow coloured baboon on top of your head!

Chichi - Give me that thing! (takes the tube from Gohan) This is your father's painkiller tube; Not for you to be inhaling!

Gohan - Man, what a buzz-kill! I'm gonna go take a nap now. (collapses and goes into shock from the fumes)

Chichi - Well now Goku, I've just spent the last hour picking up all sorts of wonderful things for you, to help you get better!
I've got some herbs here, some vitamins, some...I don't know what the hell this is but it was 50 off and I never put down a discount...and uh...Oh yeah! I even brought you some pureed baloney to feed to you through your IV tube!

Goku - (in a coma) Ba...Ba...Baloney?...

Chichi - That's right dear.

Goku - (comatose) Did...Did you say baloney?...

Chichi - Yes I did.

Goku - (slurred) GIVE ME THAT! (grabs the can of creamed baloney from Chichi and starts chugging it like mad)

Chichi - Now-- Now take it easy! Don't drink that stuff too fast, you're gonna get a stomach ache!

Goku - I NEED MY MYSTERY MEAT! (continues chugging the liquified meat) (finishes the can) More-- More-- MORE!

Chichi - What-- That's all I brought home Gok--

Goku - I SAID MORE!

Chichi - Good Lord, you sure have seemed to have gotten your strength back! Okay, I'll go see what I can do. (leaves)

Goku - No...No, don't leave me!...I CRAVE SUSTINANCE!

Gohan - (still high) Here man, try some of this. (sticks the tube in Goku's mouth)

Goku - (inhales the painkillers) Oh God...I'm seeing the leprechauns again! THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY SOUL!
(starts screaming and flailing uncontrollably)

Gohan - No man, just embrace it. Embrace the funk!

(meanwhile at Vegeta and Bulma's house)

Vegeta - (reading a newspaper)

Bulma - (painting her nails)

Vegeta - Huh, gas prices are up again.

Bulma - Hmm, gotta stop driving the car around so much then, I guess.

Vegeta - You got that right! (continues reading his paper)

(back at Goku's house)

Chichi - Alright Goku, I'm back with some more balo--...

Goku - (flailing around crazily like a madman) THE SHELAILEES! HOW THEY HURT!

Gohan - Man, those leprachauns gotta chill bro! Give 'em some of this 'sedative' stuff and maybe it'll help.

Chichi - Alright, that's it! I am taking this gas away from BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW! (pulls the tube out of the ventilating machine, accidentally spilling the laughing gas all over the room in the process) Oh God...That can't be good...

(back at Vegeta and Bulma's house)

Vegeta - (still reading the paper)

Bulma - (still painting her nails)

Vegeta - Wow, would you look at that: pork roast on sale for only $5.99 at the local supermarket!

Bulma - Wow, that's pretty good. You oughta head over there tomorrow and pick one up for dinner!

Vegeta - You bet I will! I could never put down a deal like that on a good old fashioned pork r--

(loud knocking on the door)

Bulma - What on Earth...Who could be knocking this late at night!

Vegeta - Agh, I'll go see who it is. Probably those punks from 'Jehova's Witness' again! I'll show 'em what eternel suffering and damnation really is! (opens the door and sees Chichi, Gohan, and a comatose Goku standing outside) What in hell's bell's--

Chichi - (drugged up) Oh hey there Vegeta. Do you mind if we spend the night here at your place? You see, our house is kind of overrun and rampant with ornery leprechauns at the moment, and Goku here needs a place to...to...What is it you need to do again dear?

Goku - (out of it) I gotta let out the old toss pot if you know what I'm mean, heh-heh, heh-heh!

Gohan - (drooling)

Vegeta - ...(slams the door in all of their faces)

Bulma - Who was that Vegeta?

Vegeta - (sits down) Let's pretend like that never happened. (reads his paper)

(long silence)

(loud flatulent and vomiting noises outside)

Vegeta - What in God's name-- (looks through his blinds outside)

Goku - (outside and...'relieving' himself on the front lawn)

Gohan - (outside and puking all over the grass)

Vegeta - Bulma, go fetch me the waterhose.

(moments later)

Vegeta - (bursts outside with a hose in hand) SUCK ON THIS YOU DRUGGED UP FREAKS! (turns the hose on, but nothing more than a small, pathetically weak burst of water comes out; barely even getting the three wet) Uh--...One moment.
(goes back inside) I said full power!

Bulma - It is on full power!

Vegeta - No, that's not possible! The flyer said this thing had over 5000 PSU of water pumping capabilites! NOT A PATHETIC TINY LITTLE STREAM! You couldn't even kill an ant with that!

Bulma - Look, what can I tell you, I can't switch it any higher.

Vegeta - Oh, for Jesus-- Fine! Get me the extinguisher then!

Bulma - We don't have that anymore.

Vegeta - What do you mean we don't have it! What happened to it, I bought it just last week!

Bulma - There was a fire in kitchen again, I had to put it out.

Vegeta - You had ANOTHER fire! How many fires can one person start in a month!

Bulma - Well gee Vegeta, I don't know, maybe if you had fixed the friggen gas leak in the oven, we wouldn't have this problem EVERY GODDAMN DAY!

Vegeta - Well, maybe I would, but I don't know the first thing about mechanics!

Bulma - MECHANICS! It's a tiny little hole on a pipe; all you need to do is stick some tape over it to fix it!

Vegeta - Well if it's so easy, then why don't you do it! HUH!

Bulma - Well...I...

Vegeta - Yes?

Bulma - Because my hand cream is flammable! If I put my arm in there, I'd go up in flames!

Vegeta - One could only hope.

Bulma - Oh very funny Vegeta, VERY FUNNY! Need I remind you of what happened the last time I tried doing that...Why I...(continues arguing)

Goku + Chichi + Gohan - (drooling and in a coma)

(Narrator - One hour later...)

Vegeta - ...AND THAT'S WHY I CAN'T USE THE HEATER ANYMORE!

Bulma - Oh yeah, you just always manage to blame all of your little problems on me somehow, eh?

Vegeta - LITTLE! I nearly freeze to death every night because of that LITTLE problem that you--

Author - Ahem. Vegeta? Bulma?

Vegeta + Bulma - Yes?

Author - Uh...The three drugged up freaks on your lawn?

Vegeta - The three dru--? Oh right! Hah, silly me, I completely forgot about them! We'll finish this little arguement of ours later.

Bulma - Count on it.

Vegeta - Now then, where was I? Oh yes! Goku, Chichi, Gohan, what the hell are you all doing at my house, and why are you all high?

Goku - Well now Versace, that's a very good question. I don't exactly know the answer, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with cheese...and some type of meat.

Vegeta - Right...What is it I have to do to get rid of you people?

Gohan - You can go fetch us some more of that funny gas, that's what you can do!

Chichi - No, no, no, Gohan. What we need...Is a...Is a...Is a--

Vegeta - Is a what!

Chichi - Is a-- a-- a-- AAHHHHH--CHOOOOOOOOO! (sneezes all over Vegeta)

Vegeta - (covered in snot and mucus) Wonderful. Just wonderful. Have a good day now.

Bulma - What is all the commotion over here? I-- (sees the three) OH MY GOD! What happened to them!

Vegeta - Do not make eye contact. Just turn around and act as if they're not there. Maybe they'll go away!

Bulma - No Vegeta, we have to let them inside! They'll freeze to death out here if we don't do something!

Vegeta - If you think I'm gonna let three drugged, puke covered up freaks into my house, YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMMING!

Bulma - You'll do it, OR I'LL GO GET THE WATERPIK OUT!

Vegeta - ...(timidly) Yes mam.

(several minutes and puke stains later...)

Bulma - Gohan, Chichi, you two can sit over here on the couch. Goku, since you're quite ill to begin with, you can have Vegeta's armchair for tonight.

Vegeta - Oh-ho-ho no! Nope. No! No way in hell. You can threaten me all you want with that bloody pik of yours, but I am not letting that fat simian of a bastard sit in my personal thrown!

Bulma - Personal thrown! Vegeta, it's a beat up, old, filthy recliner.

Vegeta - IT IS MY THROWN OF ROYALTY!

Bulma - Right. Here Goku, sit right down.

Vegeta - Errrrrggggghhhhhhhhh...

Bulma - Vegeta, why don't you go off and make these three some hot tea or something to calm them all down, huh?

Vegeta - Oh yes! Should I go and prepare them all a personal foot rub while I'm at it?

Bulma - Actually, that's quite a good idea. I've got some lotions and perfumes up in my bathroom cupboard if you want to--

Vegeta - (storms out of the room)

Bulma - Now while he's gone, I'm going to give your Doctor a call Goku. I want to make sure everything is alright with you.

Goku - Okay mommy.

Bulma - Okay now, what is that guy's number?

Goku - You're my mommy.

Bulma - I know I had it written down here somewhere...

Goku - That's why I'm gonna call you mommy.

Bulma - Maybe I have it in my purse or somewhere...

Goku - Mommy Knocklebocker, that's your new name.

Bulma - Or no, I think I stuck it to the fridge.

Goku - Knockle because I...because I...I don't know...

Bulma - Or no wait-- Here it is! Yes, 'Doctor Affenschwance's Personal Discount Hotline'! Lets see now, 1-999-999-999-999-
9999! (waits for the phone dialing)

Goku - Maybe it's cause I like knockers...or bockers...(belches)

Bulma - Hello, Mr. Schwance?

Doctor - Ah yes, who is calling?

Bulma - This is Miss Briefs; I believe we've spoken before, I'm one of Mr. Goku's...uh...'special care-takers'...

Doctor - Ah yes! I remember you! What can I do for you Bulma?

Bulma - Well...Goku showed up here and he's not doing too well I can tell you...(continues talking)

Vegeta - (re-enters the room carrying a platter with cups on it) Here. Here is your frickin' tea that I had to break my back over making! So drink up!

Chichi - What...What type of tea is it?...

Vegeta - Sweet camomile...Asian green...Apricote delight-- I don't f'ing know, just drink the Goddamned stuff! What do you people take me for, a f'in' tea-guru! (serves the tea and sits down) Uggghhhh...What a night...

(long silence)

Goku - Vegeta...

Vegeta - What...

Goku - ...I got 'poots'...

Vegeta - 'Poots'? What the hell are 'poots'.

Goku - (starts chuckling)Heh heh heh heh...Poots on your armchair!

Vegeta - What are you-- (smells something rotten) Oh no you didn't. NO YOU DIDN'T!

Bulma - (still on the phone) Uh, one moment Doctor, I have to deal with something here-- Vegeta, what is the problem now!

Vegeta - He crapped on my f'ing armchair, THAT'S WHAT!

Bulma - Oh for God's sake Vegeta, he's not a well man!

Vegeta - Yeah, you could say that again! And he's about to get a lost worse! (prepares to blast Goku away)

Bulma - (pulls a waterpik out of nowhere and blasts Vegeta in the face)

Vegeta - AAGGGGHHHH-- MY FOREHEAD! (collapses in pain)

Bulma - Now then Doctor, where were we?

Doctor - Yes. What I was about to tell you is that Mr. Goku needs to have his colon cleansed every five hours due to the fact that his bowels are no longer functional. Aside from that, just feed him his usual pills and give him lots of liquids.

Bulma - Um...A colon cleansing?

Doctor - Yes, that is correct.

Bulma - All...Alright? Thanks for your help...

Doctor - Certainly!

Bulma - (hangs up)

Doctor - Huh, something about that whole colon part didn't sound right...Oh well, it never hurts to get the old poop-shoot cleaned! (laughs maniacally for no reason whatsoever)

Bulma - Oh Vegeeeeeeeeeeta?

Vegeta - (holding his forehead tenderly) What is it now woman...

Bulma - Could you do me a little favour?

Vegeta - I'm bleeding bad here! I think you punctured my cranium or something! What could be more important than that!

Bulma - You still have those gloves for handling toxic waste, don't you?

Vegeta - Yeah, they're in the garage, why?

Bulma - (starts laughing evily)

(twenty minutes and one colon cleansing later)

authors note: you didn't actually think I was going to write and describe the colon scene did you!...No, no, I still have SOME decency...Not a lot, but SOME nonetheless! ;)

Vegeta - Well now, if you'll all excuse me for the next half hour, I am going to submerse myself in a vat of bleach and industrial strength acids. (leaves)

Goku - Oh man...I think that funny gas is startin' to wear off finally...

Chichi - Yeah, me too...

Bulma - How're you all feeling now?

Goku - Oh, I'm okay and all, but I had this really weird dream that I was getting fisted up the ass by Vegeta in some old dingy garage...Man, talk about freaky!

Bulma - Uh, yeah...Real weird...

Chichi - Well, at least this whole ordeal is finally over...

Gohan - You can say that again!

(long silence)

(suddenly, a huge spaceship goes flying into Vegeta and Bulma's house; blowing a gigantic hole into it and totally demolishing it in the process)

Vegeta - (emerges from his 'bleach' bath in the bathroom) (sees the huge ship and his destroy house)...Oh good...

Goku - (dramatically) What is the meaning of this intrusion!

Evil Android - (emerges from the starship menacingly)

Goku - Gasp! Who be you?

Evil Android - I am a cybernetic android from the year 2000 who has come here to assassinate you all!

Goku - But...But it's already the year 2005...

Evil Android - Oh...Oh, it is?

Gohan - Uh-huh.

Evil Android - You certain about that?

Goku - Sure are.

Evil Android - Oh. Wow, this is really embarassing, heh...Uh, I guess I'll be on my way then...

Bulma - I guess so.

Evil Android - Uh, sorry about demolishing your house and all, I hope you guys had homeowners insurance or something.

Vegeta - No, no we don't.

Evil Android - You don't? Oh, well then, allow me to introduce myself: Nick Android; insurance salesman!

Chichi - Wha-- Hold on just a minute. Didn't you just finish explaining that you were a cybernetic assassin from the year 2000 who came to kill us all!

Evil Android - Uh...I work...I work two jobs...Gotta make ends meet, ya know? Being an android in the year 2000 isn't exactly easy!

Goku - I see! So how much do you charge for insurance there my metallic malignant beast of the past!

Evil Android - I've got superb prices all around! If you'll all just take a look in briefcase which I so conviently have right in my hands as we speak, you can choose whichever excellent plan you wish!

Vegeta - (looks through the papers) Wow, these are some good deals!

Bulma - I'll say! Do you accept cash or credit card?

Evil Android - Either or mam. (smiles)

Vegeta - Here, we'll take the $600 one. Here's the money. (hands the android 600 bucks)

Evil Android - Thank you sir, and I bid you farewell! (vanishes along with his ship)

(long silence)

Vegeta - So then...How exactly are we supposed to get this insurance now?

Bulma - I don't know, you probably should have asked that android before he vanished into thin air.

Vegeta - ...

Goku - Heh, you just got screwed over Vegertti!

Vegeta - Well, this sure has proven to be an interesting day. I've had to endure being around three drugged up freaks for hours on end, I had to perform a colon cleansing on Kakarott, and now I got scammed out of money by an android from the past. Hmm, things can't get much worse can they?

Bulma - Oh God, you shouldn't have said that Vegeta...

Author - Mwuahahahahahaha...(flips a switch)

(long silence)

Vegeta - ?

Author - Uh...(flips the switch again)

(silence)

Goku - ?

Author - Goddamnit, work! (flips the switch yet again)

(silence)

Author - Oh for Christ's sake, I'm gonna have to call a mechanic down here or something, this switch isn't even budging!

Chichi - Try using some oil or something maybe.

Author - Good idea. (runs off and fetches a canister of oil) Here goes nothing...(oils the switch) Alright, here we go again; cross your fingers. (flips the switch again) (sparks start shooting out of the switch and whatever it's attached to) OH CHRIST-- (the whole thing blows up in his face, killing him instantly)

Gohan - Uh oh! With no author, who will finish this story!

Goku - OH THE HUMANITY!

Narrator - How will this incredibly inane story end! Will UltraVegeta somehow manage to come back from the dead and finish it! Will Vegeta ever get his money back from the android insurance salesman from the past! Will Goku ever recover from his horrid illness! Will I ever shut the f up! Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion to, 'DBZ - The Thingy--

Author - No, hold on a minute, I'm alright here! (gets up) I'm okay! I can finish the story!

Narrator - Oh. Well then, nevermind. (leaves and gets a drink)

Author - Uh, yeah...Anyways...Back to whatever the hell it was that was happening...(continues typing)

Chichi - Right...Uh, what was happening?

Goku - Oh, you mean before the whole 'switch' incident.

Chichi - Yeah.

Goku - I...I really don't remember...Vegeta, Bulma, do you?

Bulma - I think something bad was going to happen to us again. But now...since the author's 'switch of bad-luck' is broken,
that's obviously not going to happen.

Gohan - So what do we do now?

Piccolo - (from nowhere) DANCE!

(bad 80's pop music starts playing, and a disco ball somehow appears in the room)

(everyone starts dancing to disco)

Author - Uh...I guess this is the end of the story...Don't know really what to say...Except, I am so deeply sorry for making you read this steaming pile of shite. Anywho, I'd also like to say--

Piccolo - DANCE!

Author - Oh, what the hell! (starts dancing along)

THE END! (or is it? I really don't freaking know...)

And teh moril of tordays storie iz: Don't eat lots of sugar cause you might end up getting ripped off by an android from the past and having to dance to bad disco!

-(UPDATE!)-

On the next riveting installment of 'The Thingy', Vegeta travels through time in a race against the clock to get his money back from the android insurance scam-artist!