"Oh god..." Daniel said, looking out of one of the windows above the ground floor at his friends' house. He had a bit of a green complexion as he watched the butler very casually clean up the front lawn with the assistance of the blonde Phantomhive. The other stood near the human man, somewhat perplexed by his reaction.

"Ooooooh god. Those are dead bodies..." the Westley reiterated, now covering his mouth. He felt sick to his stomach. "Ugh…"

"Would you rather we let them into the house?" questioned the bluenette. "Those are some of Belmont's most loyal operatives. They're perfectly willing to get violent. Everything worked out just fine."

"There's dead people in your yard!" his friend stated, gesturing at the window. "There's blood everywhere! Isn't that at least a little concerning?"

"Of course. Blood is hard to get off of grass."

"Ugh!" Exasperated, Daniel found no comfort in the lack of any playfulness in the Phantomhive's voice as the demon spoke. "I forgot how completely batshit you guys are..."

"At least you're here and not at home." Ciel said, leaning against the wall and looking out the window. "According to Sebastian, their boss just left there. If you stayed a few hours, he would've had Samantha and you both."

Pausing, Daniel sank to the floor, leaning his back to the wall. "Sorry… I'm glad to be here instead of there… it's just..."

"Scary?"

"Yeah..." the Westley replied. "Even as little as I see this crap or get involved, it's scary."

"That's good. If you see it too often, you'll start to normalise it. The fact that your scared means that you're a regular person."

"And you're not?" Daniel asked, causing the bluenette to arch an eyebrow. "It's easy to forget that you're not… When I think of you and Alois, I always see those two lads from school who couldn't keep their hands to themselves. We'd tease you about it and laugh… then you'd get mad. It was fun. We should hang out more."

"Even if I'm a demon with dead bodies on my lawn?" questioned Ciel.

"I see supernatural beings all day. It's not weird to me anymore. The dead body thing? Well… You don't have them there all the time, right? And not without a good reason?"

"Help the grass grow." jested the Watchdog with a small smile. "I wouldn't mind that, though. When this is over, just say the time and place."

"When this is over… I hope it's soon… I meant to make an appointment today… It's in Gehenna, so it's pretty secure. It's just getting to it that's hard, and I don't want to leave Sam here by herself."

"Jim or Sebastian can take you, and Samantha will be perfectly safe here." assured the Phantomhive. "All of this should be over on Thursday, if we get our way."

"That means I have to miss two more days of work, doesn't it?"

"Maybe so… Were you able to call in?"

"Yeah… It'll be fine, somehow. I don't think I can be fired for being in a life-or-death situation."

Watching his husband and his butler maneuver bodies into trashbags outside, Ciel thought about what he could possibly say in response. He knew this wasn't right. There was no way that someone should have to pick up everything one morning and leave after receiving a phone call. It was a lot to handle. Daniel was both scared for himself and for his sister. Perhaps, he was more scared for her, really. He told her to stay in Revy's room, making up some excuse as to why. He didn't think keeping her in the dark was a good thing to do, but he also didn't think that he could tell her that there were dead people in the yard. Protecting her was his priority. Ciel was glad for that. He was glad that Daniel was not only trying to keep her from this awful world of death and murder that her brother occasionally dips his toes into, but also that the foolish and irresponsible boy from their youth had grown up to the point where he could. It was a wonderful thing, in the Phantomhive's eye. He didn't want the Westley to lose sight of that.

Yet, he also worried about himself and his own loved ones. His husband was out there, picking up dead bodies and although he thought he should be concerned or disgusted, what concerned Ciel more was the fact that neither of them were. He and Alois both were not flustered by this, which was "abnormal", to say the least. The menace didn't even wince at the thought. He just grabbed some legs or held open a bag, doing what needed to be done without complaint.

"Hmm..." Ciel hummed, both to acknowledge that he was being spoken to in addition to voicing that he was thinking.

"What is it?" questioned Daniel, sitting up a bit. He stood on his knees and turned around, peeking out the window at the lawn before groaning. "Ugh… That's a foot..."

"Yeah, I guess..." It was obvious that the Watchdog wasn't listening in the slightest.

"Hey, is something wrong? Should I be concerned?"

"Normal families don't work together to clean dead bodies off the front lawn, do they? You and Samantha certainly don't."

"Yeah, but that's just our normal. This is yours."

"I suppose… I don't think I'll ever be able to have your kind of 'normal'." Ciel stated. "I think I'd go mad..."

"Gee, thanks?" sarcastically answered the Westley, unsure as to where the other was going with this.

"I'm worried, though… Is it really alright to have a family in this sort of environment? Other people's husbands don't immediately volunteer to move dead bodies or know how to make cement shoes… God forbid we think about 'expanding' the family..."

"You mean like, kids?" Daniel grinned, his face lighting up a bit. "I thought you said you wanted to wait a few years until you started seriously talking about that~?"

"Quiet. We are. That doesn't mean I can't think about it." huffed the Phantomhive, folding his arms with a put-on scowl. "As much as I'd like them, I'm not exactly convinced that this is a suitable environment for them or if I'm suitable as a parent. I'm not even certain if this is good for Jim."

"Alois is gonna stay with you whether you decide to stay here or live 'normally' with white picket fence and a dog. He's just as weird as you. He can handle it."

"I know… I just notice certain things I do that make me question if I'm really worth it, however." Ciel replied. "Do good people get excited about the prospect of murder? Do they get frustrated when things are too quiet? I don't think so."

"Maybe, but maybe you're just a thrill-seeker. You don't kill people for no reason, right? You said so, yourself, this guy is dangerous and will kill a whole lot more people if he isn't taken care of first." Daniel justified it to himself by looking at things from a more noble perspective. "You didn't have to take us in, either, but you did. You saved our asses. I think that's a 'good person' thing. You're probably just overthinking it."

"Are you suggesting that I don't question the reasons behind my actions?"

"No, I mean, like… Cut yourself some slack? You're a demon, yeah, and you deal with dark shit, sure…" Daniel carried on. "But you're not a terrible person? Like, you saved our asses, you're getting rid of this guy to save more, and you're worrying over whether or not you can provide for your husband. You're even getting worked up over the well-being of a hypothetical child. I don't think terrible people would do that. They'd probably be like: 'I do what I want. Fuck everybody else but me.'"

"Maybe..." nodded the bluenette, giving in at least a little. "I just get in these moods sometimes where it really bothers me. Am I doing this out of the goodness of my heart, or do I have some sick fascination with death?"

"Well, it's kind of ingrained in you, so it might be a little of both. Like, that's just how things work around here. And besides, everybody likes to see awful people get punished, especially if you're the one doing it. I'd assume the same thing works out with assassins, too."

"You are bizarrely accepting of all of this."

"I've been friends with a demon for about six years and I deal with 'weird' shit every day." the Westley answered. "You do good work, too. If you are a monster, you're the monster who keeps everybody else safe from all the other monsters. If you don't, who will?"

"I don't think I'm a monster." Ciel stated. "I'm a man. Whether I'm a good man or not, however, is debatable."

"Then I say 'yes.'"

"You and Jim both."

Pausing, the human looked up at the Phantomhive with a puzzled look on his face. He watched Ciel's face closely before saying: "Y'know… I think I get something..."

"What's that?" the Watchdog questioned, arching an eyebrow.

"I can see a little bit how Alois can think you're 'cute'. You get all fussy and concerned even when you're told that everything is fine." nodded Daniel. "Though, that might be caused by some deeper psychological problem."

Frowning deeply, Ciel looked down at the man before moving to walk away. He said nothing as Daniel called out to him, willfully ignoring the human and his observations. Just when Ciel was opening up to someone he normally wouldn't. That chance at deepening their friendship was thoroughly ruined.

Ciel was a firm believer of boundaries, and the Westley had inadvertently crossed one without meaning to. It wasn't as though the Phantomhive didn't know what was the base cause of his anxieties. It was the same thing as almost everything else. It was the fault of the family itself that made him this way and it simply wasn't something that he could help.

He worried incandescently about whether he was a good person so that he could better provide for the family he had. Surely, the very least he could do was ensure that they were well looked after and in a safe environment, yes? That was something unusual for everyone there, however. They could not cobble together a "normal" or "respectable" home because none of them were that way. Ciel was worried that this meant that the house was not sustainable. The potential for any kind of loss in the family struck the bluenette with unimaginable fear. The loss of family, the loss of happiness, the loss of control were all things that must be avoided at all costs! Thus, he wished to control the environment the best he could, all while ignorant of the simple fact of the matter being that the environment was stable purely due to the fact that is catered to people who were "strange".

There was no way that Alois could live normally, either. There was no way that Ciel could either. Luka and Sebastian were completely out, leaving Revy as the only one who stood a vague chance against a white picket fence. All of them accepted this and thrived in this environment. Ciel created this environment whether he was aware of it or not! Clearly, he wasn't, as he still worried, regardless. Ciel Phantomhive was a demon, a killer, and a man who took delight in punishing the wicked. He was also a good man. Everyone in Phantomhive house thought so. His friends thought so. Even HELLSING, with their strict regulations of creatures like him, thought so. The only person who couldn't seem to get this through his thick skull was the man himself!

He gave them a wonderful home to live in as well as resources and opportunities. Ciel encouraged each and every one of them to be the best person that they could be and achieve more than they ever could have even dreamed. He loved his family, even the ones who had been deprived such affections their entire lives. He learned to form strong relationships and even married a person who he is genuinely proud of and cares about. He is as respectable as he is respectful. He may not be a perfect person, but he is a rather decent one. That's all that mattered. It was more than enough.

Yet, emotions cannot be reasoned with. People feel what they feel regardless of whether or not they wish to. Feelings that are minimised and crushed down grow more painful and the more he tried, the worse it became. All he could do was feel his fear and do his best to alleviate or work through it. Ciel worried about the prospect of not being able to give his family a good environment to live in. He worried that if he really was a terrible person, they might drift away from him and disappear. In truth, he was happy as he was, but worried about the possibility of losing it. All it took was one bad night to cause a hundred years misery and loneliness the first time, so what is there stopping it from happening again?

That wasn't something that could be talked about with Daniel. The conversation as it went was as deep as Ciel was willing to go. He liked Daniel well enough, but simply wasn't keen on discussing such important matters with him. The boundary was placed and would not be moved any time soon.

"Hey!" the Westley called out. "Did I say something?"

Ciel simply ignored him and pressed forward. While he did feel better about things from talking to his friend, he had overextended himself and wished to be alone. His sudden disappearance wasn't out of any sort of anger or resentment. He simply wanted to leave the discussion and did so without completing the social contract that dictates that one should announce this.

He wasn't seen by anyone for some time, not because he shut himself away, but because the house is so vast that it was easy for people to move around and not be seen, especially when people were left to their own devices. When he was seen, he was about to walk into the library, where he saw Revy and Luka along with Samantha. Revy was lazing on a sofa while Luka pointed out the "stranger" books of various origin. There were books about almost anything in the library. There were even some written by supernaturals. It was a goldmine for Samantha. Seeing how much fun the kids were having, the Phantomhive decided not to intrude.

Instead, he went to his office and went over battle plans, deciding where it would be most strategic to place other operatives in the event that Belmont attempts to escape. As long as Ciel shot first, it shouldn't come to that, but one can never be too prepared. Sometime during this, his husband walked in with a new set of clothes and damp hair. His bangs were out of his face, unintentionally slicked back so they wouldn't irritatingly cling to him. Ciel mostly lifted his head and made eyecontact due to the fact that he felt that the menace was rather pretty to look at in this state. Alois was pretty to the bluenette in any fashion, really, but being fresh out of the shower was one of many that Ciel held particular appreciation for. Undoubtedly, he showered due to the fact that he had come in from moving dead bodies into a location where the HELLSING clean up crew would be able to get them all at once, but that didn't need to be said.

"Hey, babe." the blonde greeted with a smile. "The yard is clean, the debris is being taken away, and the kids are safe. What's this about Dan, though?"

"What's what about Daniel?" questioned Ciel. He wasn't being cheeky, he genuinely had no idea.

"He said you stormed off in the middle of talking to him." Alois said with an arched brow. "Everything alright?"

"Fine. Perfectly fine. I don't know why he would say that. I did walk away, but I was done talking to him, so the conversation was over."

"Well, whatever. He was just wanting to know if he said something offensive."

"He didn't. While I didn't want to discuss what I was thinking about too in depth with him, I wasn't offended."

"Just checking on you." the menace stated, walking around the table toward his spouse. Looking at the floorplan on Ciel's desk, he looked at the placement from over his shoulder. "So, do you know who's coming with us, yet?"

"Mostly operatives with low security clearance." Ciel replied while hardly looking up. "The highest would be agent Strummer, who's kept low on purpose."

"Haven't heard from him in a while. Is his young ward coming, too?"

"It would seem so." the bluenette stated. "Just as backup. We should be able to handle this, but I do not want them getting away."

"Or trashing your building?" questioned the menace with a grin. "Think we can handle this?"

"Do you think we can't?"

"Nah, it's just a pain. All jobs are, I guess." Bouncing on his own feet, he playfully added: "I just gotta psyche myself up! We're gonna go in, get the job done, and then… I dunno… Let's go to a movie or something."

"Is there anything good out?" Ciel asked with a smile.

"I don't know! I just want to go do something fun!" the other demon pouted. "Being a grown up sucks. I have to like, work and shit! I mean, I love Pyestock, but it feels like I'm the only one working on the behind the scenes stuff sometimes."

"So you think it's time for a day off?"

"Very much so."

"That can be arranged. We've been talking about going and doing something for a few weeks, but we haven't done it. Do you want a day to recover after the mission before we go?"

"That would be preferable, yes." Alois nodded.

"Then let's go." Ciel replied. "Tomorrow, we'll go take care of Belmont, the next day, we'll take a day off, and then the day after that, we'll have a date. Sound good?"

"Perfect!" Leaning down, he kissed his husband's cheek. "Love you."

"I love you, too. Are you all set for tomorrow?"

"I've counted my bullets and put them into magazines, but I still need to clean my guns." Alois answered. "Where's the cleaning kit?"

"It should be near the gun safe."

"Thanks, babe." the menace said with a wink before wandering off, leaving the bluenette to his own devices for the time being.

The entire conversation carried on in a casual manner that would make onlooker's skin crawl, but Ciel didn't even notice until after the fact. It was just so mundane to him that the thought flew right over his head. Perhaps he should be concerned. Perhaps he should just accept things as they were. It seemed fine enough, but if one doesn't question why they do the things that they do, then surely there is no way that they can develop, can they? What if Ciel was doing something wrong without realising it? What if he was missing something? The thought frustrated him to no end, and yet, he was still happy with life as it was. Since this was the case, if he truly was doing something wrong, then that would make him a horrible person, wouldn't it? It would make his husband a terrible person as well, however, and in the Watchdog's mind, that simply wasn't possible.

Things most likely weren't so black and white. That is why the man detested thinking that was absolute in this fashion. If he did one thing wrong, it meant that he was irredeemably awful and that he was not good in any other aspects of his life. Perhaps it was possible to kill for the greater good, like Daniel said. Part of it was following orders for his own sake, and part of it was that Ciel simply believed a person like this should not exist. Someone that dangerous and redeemable couldn't be allowed to live, for if he was, he would wreck even greater havoc upon the rest of society and cause more people to suffer. Then again, the same could be said about Ciel, himself. Just how many families has he torn apart? He had witnessed the mothers of his allies and foes alike weep for the loss of their loved ones and he himself did not shed a single tear in response.

"It was justified." he thought to himself. "They died for a greater purpose."

Yet, he knew that if he were in their position, his thoughts would be entirely different. At one time, there was an entire subgroup of supernaturals who had similar sentiments. They were led by a former friend, even. Then, he died. Ciel killed him. Preston's murderer was at his funeral as a guest out of some bizarre form of "respect", yet the Phantomhive hadn't visited since. It had been around a year since then. Not once had Ciel even set foot in that cemetery, not because of the fact that he killed his friend, but because of his disdain for the man. Preston would not forgive the demons for causing him to become infected with Black Annis, and Ciel would not forgive the leader and founder of the Scarlet Order for instilling in his husband a fear of the sea.

That was justified, surely. Ciel killed Preston not only because he was ordered to by HELLSING, but because he wanted to. Ultimately, the Watchdog's loyalty was with Jim Phantomhive, and what Preston did to the blonde was unforgivable. Ciel flew into a rage and was determined to end Preston's life. He wanted to see the life drain from those golden eyes for what their owner did. This man, Preston Omid, was a saviour and beacon of hope to many supernaturals, yet Ciel killed him for harming his spouse. How selfish.

That was cold blooded, Ciel acknowledged, but it could be justified away quite easily. Preston's way of doing things wasn't sustainable. The way of HELLSING and the Phantomhives, however, most definitely was. He was certain of it. Furthermore, if someone could do something that cruel to someone who they once called a "friend," then surely, they are far too dangerous to run around freely.

Ciel does not use the word "friend" to describe the traitor. It is difficult to be fond of someone who causes such pain to someone one loves, even within the memories of them from before. One who considers themselves to be morally righteous might scold the Phantomhive and tell him that it is healthy to forgive, but that is something that the bluenette will never budge on. Forgiveness is not something that one gives out willy-nilly. It must be first earned by the offender. Otherwise, it merely gives them a free pass to do whatever they please without learning anything in the slightest! It's too late for that now, however. Preston is gone and Ciel is the same awful, terrible, cruel man that he always was.

A terrible man. A cruel man. A heartless man. Monsters had it easy. They did not question their actions. They simply did as they please. Thus is the price that one pays for being a decent person. Thus is the price that one pays for "humanity."


A/N: This is an extremely long, rambling chapter... It reminds me of these very frustrating conversations on morality I have with my dad sometimes. There's always more questions than definite answers. Every time you think you have something solid, it's like there's another loophole that you have to figure out how to fill in logically. Or, you can decide to try and justify it, but even then, how solid is a justification, really? See? Open-ended to the point where it's like "WELL THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, THEN?!" Super annoying.

This chapter is kind of the same way. Everybody, knowingly or otherwise, comes up with a conclusion on what is right and wrong based on the information given. The majority of people do this without even thinking about it, while a few think about it to the point where they get a conclusion is entirely up to the reader. Is Ciel a decent person already or is he just trying? If so, how good is he doing? Who's to say? Though that might influence your perception of him. Though, his actions would have done that anyway, I think.

I feel like the most important thing, however, is in the very last paragraph. "Monsters" kind of have a "fuck everybody but me" kind of attitude where they do what suits them personally, and don't really think about things beyond that. No matter what they do, they will always have a justification that proves that they're "right". So, in doubting and questioning his own beliefs and actions, Ciel is already on his way to being a halfway decent person. He's a person, not a monster. That's the only definite thing here, I guess?

I wanna get deep on y'all sometimes. Pseudo-deep, at least. I'm not sure if I'm really clever enough to do much, though! There's a lot of stuff I wanna talk about... I actually got quite a few reviews saying that the last chapter felt more like the "old" DLTD and I might be totally interpreting this wrong, but I think that might be part of it? In DLTD, I talked a lot about "man versus monster" and what that meant to the point of rambling. What I was trying to do with the last chapter was to present a different character's perspective on what it means to be "human". That's the main thing I want to do before this arc ends. There will most likely be more on that later. I hope. If there's not, I REALLY fucked up.

Tell me what you think about all of this. I'm really curious. Should I do more crap like this in the future?

Until the next chapter, my duckies~!