DBZ - The Messed Up Saga - Chapter 2: Back to the Past!

Narrator - Previously on 'The Thingy', a bunch of stupid shit happened. Go back and read it if you can't remember you f'ing buggers! And now, as we leave off in complete disregard to continuity and good writing, Vegeta is about to travel through time in a race against the clock to get his $600 bucks back from the scam-artist android insurance salesman!

(at Vegeta's house)

Bulma - Don't do it Vegeta! It's too dangerous! You'll get yourself killed!

Vegeta - I have to Bulma. The fate of the world rests on my shoulders; I must go!

Gohan - Wow, this script is sure is dramatic...Especially considering that all he's going to do is beat the crap out of some poor robot and steal his money.

Author - Oh, you think THAT'S dramatic? Try this. (hits a button)

Goku - (suddenly runs up to Vegeta and latches onto him) No! You cannot leave me my lover! I cannot spend another day on this wretched Earth not at your side, as I fear that I may wither away and die!

Gohan - I stand corrected.

Vegeta - Kakarott, get off of me! This time machine is going to kick in any sec-- (him and Goku dissappear)

Krillin - Huh. That can't be good.

Bulma - Wha-- Krillin, how did you get in our house!

Krillin - I...I used the back window?

Bulma - (into a walkie-talkie) Security.

Krillin - Oh sh-- (gets tasered about 100 times)

(meanwhile, in the YEAR 2000! (cough) Ahem...)

Goku + Vegeta - (suddenly appear in some random area)

Goku - Oh man, my noggin'! What a funky journey that was!

Vegeta - Well great, I'm stuck in the past with Kakarott. That's just what I've always wanted.

Goku - Well Vegeta, like they always say, there's no use crying over slim pickins.

Vegeta - ...Right...

Goku - So where off to? Where do we find this devious android!

Vegeta - Well, common sense would indicate that he'd be trying to sell insurance to new homeowner's at the moment. And according to my knowledge, there's a new townhome development nearby! That would be our best bet Kakarott; let's head over there. (flies off)

Goku - (flies after Vegeta but gets a bug in the eye) OH GOD! OH, I THINK I JUST GOT SOME KIND OF BUG IN MY EYE!
EWWWWWW, GROSS! Augh, I got bug guts all over my face now! Jesus Christ, this is disgusting! Oh, and my eye is stinging real bad now, I hope that wasn't some kind of poisonous bug or something! Oh geez, I think I'm gonna have to go to a clinic and get this checked out real fa--

Vegeta - (incinerates Goku's one eye)

Goku - (screams in agony and clutches his face)

Vegeta - No eye, no problem.

(20 minutes later, at the real-estate development)

Vegeta - Alright, here we are. (notices a man dressed in uniform) Ah, that guy looks like the right person to talk to. Let's go. (approaches the man) Sir.

Work-Guy - How can I help you?

Vegeta - I--

Goku - Well, my buddy here got ripped off in the year 2005 by an android who claimed to be selling home-owners insurance who supposedly came from the year 2000, so we both travelled back in time and...yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Work-Guy - Oh...I see...Okay...Uh...What can I do for you two then?

Vegeta - We're looking for an insurance salesman of yours. He's about 7 feet tall, has a low metallic voice, is crafted entirely out of what appears to be iron, and is an android.

Work-Guy - Oh yeah, that guy! He usually works the western front, but at around this time he's off eating lunch at the nearby Central Cafe.

Goku - (gasps) Android's eat lunch!

Work-Guy - Well...Yeah...(laughs) What's with this guy?

Vegeta - Don't ask. Come on Kaka, let's go. (grabs Goku and vanishes)

Work-Guy - Huh.

(long silence)

Work-Guy - That was strange.

(at the Cafeteria)

Vegeta - Here we are, the Surrey Central Cafe.

Goku - Vegeta...

Vegeta - What.

Goku - Can I get something to eat? I haven't had any grub since yesterday, and I need my fat and sodium fix!

Vegeta - Let me see if I have enough money to compensate for your immense, endless appetite. (looks through his wallet) Alright,
we've got $360 left. That should be enough to order you an appetizer of some sort. Go knock yourself out.

Goku - Alrighty! (takes the wallet and runs off)

(moments later)

Goku - (comes running back to Vegeta with a corn-dog in hand) Ah, all I could get is this stupid little hotdog!

Vegeta - What-- There was nearly $400 in that thing! And that's all you could order!

Goku - Well gee Vegeta, they don't accept Euros here!

Vegeta - Euros! I-- (looks in his wallet) How the hell did we end up with a bunch of Euros?

Goku - Well, why're you looking at me--

Vegeta - Because you're the only one capable of doing something so utterly stupid and mind-boggling.

Goku - Well...You see, earlier when we split up, I kind of went off to a fast-food joint cause I was mighty hungry!

Vegeta - And how does this correlate to my having a bunch of worthless Euro's.

Goku - Well you see, I wanted to order some Sauerkraut, and I only assumed that to do so I would have to purchase it in German currency. So I went off to the bank, exchanged our money, went back and tried to buy it...I...I was then informed that they only accepted US funds...

Vegeta - (smacks his face and rubs it)

Goku - But hey, money's money right?

Vegeta - What are we going to do with a bunch of Euros in North America; you tell me.

Goku - ...Order Sauerkraut--?

Vegeta - (takes Goku's corndog and rams it into his one eye)

Goku - (takes a lick of the corndog) Hmm! The retinal fluid kind of adds a nice zest to it!

Vegeta - Alright then. While you eat that bloody dog of yours, I'm going to sit here and wait for that android to show up.

(6 hours later)

Goku - ...

Vegeta - ...

(extremely long silence)

Goku - ...I wonder when that android is gonna show up--

Vegeta - HE'S NOT GOING TO! WE'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR SIX FING HOURS-- MY ASS IS SO SORE THAT I CAN FEEL THE INDIVIDUAL BLISTERS THAT'RE ALL OVER IT! THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!

Goku - So then, what's the plan now Vege-boy? How're we gonna catch that android?

Vegeta - I'm not entirely sure my braindead comrade, but I think it would be a good bet if we checked out the nearby--

Krillin - (comes barging in) STOP! (smashes a cafeteria counter open) IT'S PEOPLE! THE CHICKEN CAESER SALAD IS PEOPLE! (tastes the salad) No wait. Maybe it's shake and bake. Sorry!

People in the Cafeteria - (sweatdrop)

Vegeta - ...

Work-Man - (enters the Cafeteria) Hello, I'll have one chicken sandwich and a side of fr-- (sees Goku and Vegeta) Oh, hello again!
Any luck with finding Gerry?

Vegeta - Gerry? Who--

Work-Man - That android guy you two were after!

Vegeta - What-- The android we're after is called 'Nick', not 'Gerry'!

Man - Oh, Nick the Android! Hah, I thought you were talking the other one!

Vegeta - What-- You're meaning to tell me that you have more than one android working for you!

Man - Well yeah, it's cheap labour you know.

Vegeta - (wipes his face frustratedly) And where does this 'other' android work then?

Man - Well, in the afternoon he sells insurance for us, but later in the day, like now, he works as a bus driver at the local bus terminal. I believe he drives the #16.

Vegeta - Alright. Kakarott, let's go; go to the bus ter--

Goku - (ordering a chili-dog from a nearby vendor) What-- I SAID LOTS OF HOT-SAUCE YOU DOLT! DON'T BE STINGY!

Vendor Guy - But sir, I can't add any more, it's already filled to the brim-

Goku - MORE DAMN YOU!

Vegeta - Why is it wherever I go with Kakarott, something absolutely retarded always happens.

Goku - (strangling the vendor and screaming about hot-sauce)

(later on at the bus terminal)

Goku - Okily dokily! The bus terminal! Ah, the terminal of buses. The buses at the terminal. The terminal of bussing. The bus--

Vegeta - SHUT...UP!

Goku - ...Okay, I just like buses, that's all...

Vegeta - Now then, we need to get on #16 and wait for this bastard to show up. Kakarott, hand me that bag of spare change I gave you earlier.

Goku - Uh...Yeah...That bag is kind of gone...

Vegeta - ...What do you mean 'kind of gone'?

Goku - Well...I kind of...I kind of spent all of the change on some jujubes you see, cause my mouth was mighty dry! (laughs nervously)

Vegeta - So then...What's your plan to get us on the bus.

Goku - Well, I hadn't really thought that far ahead at the time--

Vegeta - (laughs angrily) I don't care what it takes; if you've gotta work the streets or dance for dimes; YOU'RE GETTING THAT CHANGE BACK, SO HELP ME GOD!

Goku - Fine! I'll go get my whoring outfit...

Vegeta - Kakarott, I was only joking when I said-- Oh nevermind, let him have his fun. (laughs evilly)

(one hour and lots of whoring later)

Goku - (returns in a dress and covered in...um...let's just skip that part...) Alright Vegeta, I got you your change!

Vegeta - Great job Kaka. You got it in the right currency, right!

Goku - Hah, very funny.

Vegeta - Alright, let's catch this bitch. (hops on the nearby bus)

Goku - (wearily hops on too, but his dress gets caught under one of the wheels)

(inside the bus)

Bus Driver - Hello, my name is Eddie VonBratenhauer, and I will be your bus driver for tonight. Everyone please step away from the doors and take a seat, the bus is about to take off.

Vegeta - (sits down)

Goku - (tries to sit down but notices that his dress is caught) Uh, Vegeta...

Vegeta - Not now...

Bus Driver - Is everyone seated and buckled in?

Everyone in the Bus Except for Goku - Yes!

Goku - Uh...Little bit of a problem here--

Bus Driver - Then let's be off! (starts driving the buss)

Goku - (his dress gets ripped off by the moving wheels, rendering him totally naked) (shrieks and covers his...man jujubes...)

(ten minutes and one forced removal from a bus later)

Vegeta - Well that's great Kakarott. Not only did you get us forcefully removed from a bus due to indecent exposure, but now we have to go to court tomorrow to face charges!

Goku - Yeah. I'm sure glad that old lady was nice enough to lend me her blouse.

Vegeta - Kakarott, you clocked her out and then stole it.

Goku - Meh, same thing.

Vegeta - So then, we're going to have to catch yet another bus now, AND we used up all of our change on the last one! Ready to do some more 'special favours' Kaka?

Goku - No, no, no! No more whoring for me! I'll-- I'll go trade something for some money or...something...(leaves)

Vegeta - Fine. But don't give away anything important!

Goku - (long gone)

Vegeta - Ah Christ, why did I just let him go do that?

Goku - (returns to the area)

Vegeta - Alright, you're back. Tell me you were able to trade something for some change.

Goku - I sure was!

Vegeta - ...Okay...What was it?

Goku - Oh, nothing important! It was just some old rusting metallic device that was inside of our bag, with the words:
'DO NOT TOUCH OR THROW AWAY' imprinted on it!

(extremely long silence)

Vegeta - (mortified) You...You sold our time-machine?...

Goku - Yeah, and it wasn't exactly for change...It was...more of a bag of peanuts...

Vegeta - You traded our time machine for a bag of peanuts.

Goku - Correction: Honey-glazed peanuts!

Vegeta - (slowly approaches Goku and clenches his fist)

Goku - Oh God, you're gonna hit me aren't you?

Vegeta - (nods and continues walking up to him)

Goku - In...In the face?

Vegeta - (nods again)

Goku - On my nose?

Vegeta - (continues)

Goku - Really hard?

Vegeta - (clocks Goku in the face)

(minutes and one pounding headache later)

Goku - (rubbing his head) Well look on the bright side Vegeta, we can always build another one!

Vegeta - BULMA BUILT IT! DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A DEGREE IN PHYSICS TO YOU!

Goku - That's it! I'll go to nearby University and get a degree in physics! Then, I can build us a new time machine and we can go back to our original time!

Vegeta - What in the f--

Goku - See ya later! (runs off)

Vegeta - --uck?...

(six years later)

Goku - (comes running in with a big graduation hat and uniform on) I DID IT VEGETA, I DID IT! I GOT MY DIPLOMA!

Vegeta - Well that's great Kakarott. It only took you SIX FING YEARS TO DO IT!

Goku - Well yeah I know, but hey, at least we can go back to the year 200--

Vegeta - Kakarott you sht for brains, it's the year 2006 now! While you were off getting your 'education', our original timeline passed-- Not to mention that you missed your court date, which I'm still trying to avoid the cops because of!

Goku - I've got it! We'll travel back in time 6 years to right before I went off to get my diploma, and then we'll tell myself in the year 2000 the formula for time-travel, and then we and the clone can go back to our original time! How's that sound!

Vegeta - Or, why don't we just do that right now...without all of the unnessesary crap you--

Goku - No, we're doing it my way. (grabs Vegeta and transports through it)

(a great deal of time later back in the present...I mean the future...I mean the past...I mean-- oh fck it!)

Chichi - Well Goku and Vegeta, regardless of the fact that neither of you achieved anything whatsoever by travelling back in time--

Goku - Except for my diploma, you can't forget about that.

Chichi - ...Yeah...Like I was saying; regardless of that, I'm just glad that the two of you made it back here in one piece.

Bulma - Yeah.

Vegeta - Well, you've got a point there. At least we're both finally back...

Goku - Yeah...(feels through his pockets) Ah! Oh, silly me! Seems that android left that insurance in my one pocket all along,
and...and (starts laughing) I totally forgot about it! Oh, how stupid! Isn't that funny, eh Vegeta? We went through all that crap, and all along I had the very thing we were after in my pocket. Why, it's so stupid that I--

Vegeta - (grabs Goku and tosses him into the sun)

Goku - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gets incinerated)

Audience - (laughs and applauds)

Vegeta - (grabs and throws the entire audience into the sun)

Author - Uh, Vegeta, you might want to lay off the throwing into the sun thing--

Vegeta - (grabs and throws the entire planet into the sun)

Author - Oh shi--

THE END!

AND ZE MORAL OF TODAYZ STORY IZ: DON'T LOSE INSURANCE IN YOUR POCKET BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET THROWN INTO THE SUN!

(authors note: I know what you're thinking, only two chapters, not much of a saga, but...you know me...a total cheap-
ass...hehehehehehehehe...heh...heh...eh...agh...)