A/N: TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: ALLUSIONS TO ABORTION. I've added it to the tags, but keep an eye out and take care of yourselves. It's a past experience being brought up. This chapter got a little too long, so I split it. I'm posting the next one as soon as it's done, and it includes their date and other, more fun things.
Chrissy had secrets that came for her in her bed at night and choked her until she couldn't breathe. Her parents had no idea. Not even Jason, who had been her boyfriend for almost eleven months, had any clue. Jason was a sweetheart to people he liked but cruel to those he didn't. His father was an essential member of the Baptist church in Hawkins, which meant that Jason grew up in a strict household because all eyes had been on his family since before he was born. Chrissy's family was like that, too. It's what initially drew her to Jason. Two people were trying their best to survive in a town that hated anyone less than entirely perfect. Their relationship felt strange as Chrissy's secrets threatened to destroy them. Jason was still kind, still stuck up for her in front of her mother, but it felt off. Chrissy had been accepted to a school out East ages ago but was still waffling about going because Jason didn't want her to. God, she wanted to, though. She was tired of Hawkins and following the path laid out for her by everyone in her life besides her own self.
The only person who knew this was Caoimhe. Caoimhe, who'd sheltered Chrissy from the truth of Hawkins for as long as she could before she left. Hawkins was stifling in that way small towns were. Caoimhe met Jason the day after she returned. He was okay, she supposed. A little too clean-cut. It was apparent he and Chrissy liked each other, even if Chrissy was still too scared to admit she was anything less than perfect to him. Jason wasn't mean to Chrissy like her father was to her mother, which was good. Caoimhe still hoped they would break it off so Chrissy would decide to leave. She was all set to go to Boston for school- only three hours away from Caoimhe if she decided to go back. She felt guilty for leaving Chrissy and her brothers. Felt guilty for keeping secrets and running halfway across the world to Ireland when it all got to be too much. Caoimhe wasn't good at keeping her own secrets. They ate at her until she had to tell someone.
They were, as always, on the magic bus. Talking, as they did, except Caoimhe's brothers had decided to join them today. Chrissy hadn't stopped smiling. Caoimhe thought she needed it and wondered if she was doing the right thing. They had been playing Monopoly for a while, which meant it would soon turn into an argument.
"Kieran, stop stealing from the bank," Caoimhe told her nine-year-old brother.
"Eamon did it first!"
"I did not. I counted wrong."
Chrissy, who was the banker and never kept a close eye on the money because she adored Caoimhe's little brothers, landed on one of Eamon's properties and forked the rent over.
"Maybe we should play something else," she suggested knowingly, nudging Caoimhe.
Caoimhe agreed for the benefit of everyone before it exploded into a fight. All the Brennan kids were hot-tempered.
"No, I'm winning!" Kieran cried.
"Because you keep stealing money from under Chrissy's nose," Eamon said.
Kieran whined. "Kiki."
Caoimhe sighed.
"We're officially stopping. Eam, your pick."
"Scrabble," Eamon said, grinning a sharp grin at Kieran, who couldn't spell at all and hated hearing about it.
"Kiki!"
"Don't you love being the oldest?" Chrissy asked.
"Hell no," Caoimhe said even though she did. "Eamon, pick a game we can all play."
"Then I get to pick the next tape!" Kieran shouted.
"Jesus, I'm going to go deaf one of these days. Do you want to take them home for a while?" Caoimhe asked Chrissy.
"You know what? I would."
"Good. They're pretty easy. Clean clothes and spray 'em with the hose every few days. Feed 'em whatever; they'll eat it."
"Except peas, asparagus, and red meat," Kieran said. "Can we play this one?"
"Right, except peas, asparagus, and red meat," Caoimhe recited dutifully.
"Oh, Billy Joel," Chrissy said. "Good choice, Kieran."
"Yuck," Caoimhe and Eamon chorused.
Eamon was only two when they settled in Hawkins in 1972, but his short time living among hippies imprinted itself on him. He loved the sprouted bread his mother made and the folk music his father played in Lucky Charms. He had an opinion on Bob Dylan's controversial decision to go electric in 1965. He was bullied like Caoimhe was during the early years of his schooling. She beat up his bullies for him. Then when he was nine, Eamon picked up a camera for the first time. People were friendly to him after discovering he could take awful pictures and post them all over the school in revenge. Caoimhe was good at causing physical damage, but Eamon was good at causing emotional harm. He couldn't keep a secret to save his life, but he'd blackmail the shit out of anyone who crossed him.
"Listen, boy; I don't want to see you let a good thing slip away!" Chrissy and Kieran sang.
"Sing!" Kieran shouted at Caoimhe and Eamon.
"Absolutely not," Eamon said.
"Sing!"
"Come on, Nikki," Chrissy coaxed.
Chrissy loved Kieran. Caoimhe wouldn't be surprised if she did take him home one of these days. Kieran was the baby of the family and used that to his advantage. As her dad was busy with Lucky Charms and her mother was too scatterbrained to know what the fuck to do with kids in suburbia, Caoimhe had raised her brothers herself. Kieran was different than the other two. He wasn't as independent, for one. This might not have seemed like a massive ask for a nine-year-old, but Caoimhe was on her own from the age of four, and Eamon took after his sister. Kieran couldn't do anything. When Caoimhe first left for Tisch, her mother would call her every so often and imply that Kieran wasn't doing well without Caoimhe. But he was, Eamon had told her when she finally got someone else on the phone besides her mother. (Trying to guilt her into coming home because Sharon Brennan didn't know how to be a real mother, and Michael Brennan was too focused on the record store.) Caoimhe was kinda pissed about it, but at least her mother didn't make her starve herself.
It could always be so much worse.
"You know I don't like watching anybody make the same mistakes I made!" Caoimhe sang to Chrissy.
"She's a real nice girl, and she's always there for you! But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do!" Chrissy replied.
Caoimhe got to her feet and pulled Chrissy up so they could dance. There was no finesse to it from Caoimhe, who couldn't dance for shit. Chrissy pulled out some ballet moves that were decent because she could dance. They twirled each other, laughing when Kieran butted in and made Caoimhe spin him around the bus. She took his hands, and they whirled around in circles until he lost his balance and Caoimhe had to catch him. He ran to Eamon, sitting there stoically except for his tapping feet.
"Nikki, come here," Chrissy demanded.
"No, I get so dizzy!"
"That's the point."
"Fine, okay, okay!"
They took each other's hands and started to spin. Caoimhe screwed her eyes closed, and Chrissy laughed because out of the two of them, she was the one who spent the majority of her day at cheer practice flipping upside down. Caoimhe had a few too many ear infections when she was a kid, which left her constantly teetering on the edge of vertigo- probably why she couldn't see if she was being honest.
"Ah, okay, I give, I give," Caoimhe said once they'd slowed down.
"If you puke, lean in that direction," Chrissy said.
"Thank you for your concern."
"Kieran, come on. Want to spin with me?" Chrissy asked.
"Yeah!"
Caoimhe flopped on the sofa next to Eamon and took a few mouthfuls of water, watching Chrissy and Kieran. Eamon put his head on her shoulder.
"You okay?" she asked, running a hand over his hair.
Eamon shrugged. "When's Ma supposed to get back?"
"I dunno; she didn't say."
"Of course, she didn't. Fucking shit."
"I'm getting dinner with Eddie tonight. I told Chrissy you guys could order a pizza, and I left money on the counter. Eat a vegetable or two for me, okay? I made hummus today. Oh, and eat a piece of fruit, too. I'm not letting you guys end up with scurvy," Caoimhe said.
"Okay, okay, Jesus, I will," Eamon said. "Can Chris come over?"
"Ask my Chris. She'll probably say yes."
"Does she have to stay with us? I'm almost fifteen. I don't need a babysitter."
"It isn't babysitting if she isn't getting paid."
"That's a shitty loophole, and you know it," Eamon pointed out.
"Fine." Caoimhe kissed the top of his head until he bucked her off. "Chrissy's our family. She wanted to stay here, so I said yes. Please be nice to her, okay?"
"I'm always nice to her."
"Wait!" Chrissy said suddenly. "What time is it?"
"Uh." Caoimhe picked up Eamon's wrist and looked at his watch. "Almost five."
"Eddie's coming at 5:15!"
"Okay, and? We're just getting food- Sonic or something. But I should change, anyway. These pants are covered in mud."
"I'll help you," Chrissy said, staring with an unreadable expression on her face.
"O-kay?" Caoimhe said. "Eamon, pizza money on the table, remember? I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back."
"Roger," Eamon said.
"I'll see you both later, then."
"Come in for dinner when you guys are ready," Chrissy said as she tugged Caoimhe toward her house.
"Ow, why the fuck are you yanking me?"
"Because," Chrissy said. "You're going on a date with Eddie. Munson."
"You don't need to say his last name like I have no idea who that is, Chris. Besides, it isn't a date. He didn't say it was," Caoimhe said.
"He's picking you up."
"He hates it when I drive. Says I always look like I'm about to jump someone."
"That's... a good point. But it is a date; I know it!" Chrissy said.
She started rummaging through Caoimhe's closet. Caoimhe, meanwhile, sank onto her bed.
"It's not a date," she insisted.
"Nik, how many times do I have to tell you that he likes you? How exactly did he ask you?"
"I dunno, like-" Caoimhe put on her best Eddie impression, "-What are you doing Saturday? Wanna get dinner?"
"I hate how much that sounded like him," Chrissy said. "But there you go. He asked if you wanted to get dinner. Doesn't he usually just, like, say the name of a fast food joint, and you either agree or not?"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"Where are you going?"
"He didn't say."
"He's surprising you! See, it is a date!"
"I hate surprises," Caoimhe remarked.
"Yeah, which is why he usually asks where you want to go beforehand. But he wants to impress you and show you how well he knows you! Here, try this on?"
"Chris, you are reading way too much into it. And I will not. It's too nice for fast food."
"He's not taking you out for fast food!" Chrissy said loudly, which for her meant she was yelling. "You guys hooked up, and he's taking you out on a date! God f-fucking damn it."
"It's not a date," Caoimhe said firmly.
"Sometimes, I want to hit you with a brick or something. You're determined to ignore that Eddie likes you and you like him. It's been years, Nikki."
From downstairs, Caoimhe could hear Kieran clattering around and yelling excitedly. Someone knocked on her door, and Chrissy opened it.
"Eddie's here," Eamon said slyly.
Chrissy smiled. Caoimhe glared at both of them and shoved Eamon's head as she stalked out of her room and down the stairs. Eddie stood there listening to Kieran chatter at him, nodding and answering back in that stupidly sweet way he did. He was always so nice to her brothers. Caoimhe crept closer and froze because Eddie had his hair up. And was wearing something besides artfully ripped jeans. What the fuck was going on? Did he- was he spending time with someone else after they went to get food? Why else would he look so nice? Were his ears always that adorable? Nope. This wasn't a date. They were friends who hooked up, and Caoimhe didn't tell him how she felt about him because that would mess everything up. Eddie was good. Much too good for her and her crap. What if he wanted to get married? Her parents would be terrible in-laws.
"Kiki, Eamon wouldn't let me get mushrooms on the pizza!" Kieran cried, spotting her on the stairs.
Eddie snapped his head up and shoved his hand behind his back. Caoimhe narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"Hey, Eds," she said.
"H-hey. Uh, hey." His face looked pink. "What's up?"
"Not much. Kezza, stop pulling on my arm."
"But mushrooms!" Kieran cried.
"Eam's allergic, you little hellion."
"But I only want them on half of the pizza!"
"It doesn't matter; they shouldn't be there at all. Jesus, just go to your room for a sec."
"Ugh, fine."
Kieran grumped all the way upstairs, and Caoimhe heard his door slam. She turned back to Eddie.
"Sorry," she said.
"'S cool," Eddie said easily, leaning against the wall. "I got you something."
He handed her a cassette tape for Caoimhe to pop open and scrutinize. Jesus, her eyesight sucked. She was squinting so badly. On the top, in Eddie's god fucking awful chicken scratch, it read For Your Musical Education. Caoimhe's heart tripped over itself and face-planted into the carpet even as she felt like she was going to throw up.
"You made me a mixtape?" she asked.
"Thought this was more your taste than flowers," Eddie said.
What.
"You were going to bring me flowers? Why?"
"You know, like you normally bring to a girl's place when you pick her up? But I thought you'd like the tape better, so I made one."
"Eddie," Caoimhe began as calmly as she could. "Is this a date?"
"Uh, yeah?" he replied, confused.
"Okay. I just want to confirm once again that this is a date."
"It is. Didn't I ask you officially?"
"No, you fucking didn't, you asshole. Eddie, I look awful! Do you know how gross these pants are?"
"You look-"
"If you say anything less than greasy, I'll punch you. Here you are looking sexy as shit with your stupid hair up in nice pants, and here I am like a Garbage Pail Kid. Goddamn it, just, can you give me like fifteen minutes?"
"You think I look sexy?" Eddie asked, preening like the egotistical prick he was.
"Shut the fuck up," Caoimhe snarled. "Wait right here."
She hadn't been on an actual date in ages. What was she going to wear, firstly? What did someone even wear on a date? Guess it depended on what they were doing, but she didn't fucking ask. Goddamn it; she was floundering. Caoimhe hated it so much. All of her life, she knew what direction she was going in. She knew what she wanted out of life, what she wanted to do. There was no time for anything else. Broadway was the only thing that mattered. She ignored anything that deviated from that path. It was partly why she never let herself think about the possibilities with Eddie, even though she saw how he was when he dated other girls, and she sorta wanted it for herself. Eddie was sweet- sentimental and romantic and tactile, and Caoimhe was not. She didn't know how to be romantic or anything else. Relationships meant vulnerability.
"Nikki put the mascara down before you poke yourself in the eye," Chrissy said.
"I'm freaking out," Caoimhe replied.
"I know. I'm not going to say I told you so."
"I don't have good luck with guys, Chris."
"Hey." Chrissy sat at Caoimhe's side. "Eddie's one of the good ones."
In theory, that made sense- Eddie was good. He was so good all the time it made Caoimhe ache. In practice, though? She was struggling. She'd had a few boys in her time but never dated anyone in the traditional sense of the word. It was half because she didn't have time for boys and half because of who they were. After all, the boys she usually went for were awful to her, like she was punishing herself for some reason she had yet to figure out. See, Caoimhe went for the guys that looked like they were starving to death; the guys in dirty clothes that beat kids up with their steel-toed boots; the guys who offered her drugs in exchange for a blow job. She liked the boys with scabby knees, bruised knuckles, and bloody noses because she knew them the best- knew what they were like and what they wanted without making her guess. That's what she liked when she went to New York. That's the kind of guy Robbie was.
"I have to tell you something, Chrissy," she said. "You know how I told you was seeing someone for a while? A therapist, I mean."
"Yeah, I remember."
"I have to tell someone before I go on this date; otherwise, it'll be Eddie who I tell. And I don't know if I can do that yet."
"Okay. Go ahead," Chrissy said.
Caoimhe took a deep breath. She wasn't quite sure how she wanted to explain it but knew it had to be told. She'd seen a therapist when she went to live with her family in Ireland, and it had helped. The therapist had told her that she needed to talk about what happened. The more she did, the better she'd feel. She'd kept Robbie in for so long because she'd been embarrassed. She ran halfway across the world to get away, but still, it nipped at her heels and wouldn't let her get a moment's peace. The therapist she met in Ireland suggested she tell her loved ones, so Caoimhe came home, hoping that the familiarity would help. And it did. Spending time with her brothers, sleeping in the magic bus with Chrissy, hanging with the Hellfire Club, running lines with Jeff- it all helped.
She trusted Chrissy more than anyone on the planet. If anyone had to know, Caoimhe wanted it to be her. So, she told Chrissy about Robbie and about meeting him at a concert at CBGB. He was everything Caoimhe liked in a guy- at least before she had a revelation that those kinds of guys were terrible for her.
"I dunno what we were, but we made a mistake, and I got pregnant," she explained. "And you know me. I had to raise my kid brothers. Da was a suburban father, and Ma was off in la-la land selling artisanal soap, then guilt-tripping me to come back because she couldn't raise the goddamn kids she had. Jesus, I can't be a mom. I don't wanna be a mom."
"You were scared," Chrissy said.
"Yeah, I mean, I was barely twenty. My grandpa would send me to a convent if he found out because he's still so Catholic. So, I went to a clinic. I didn't feel much of anything but relief. I felt like something was wrong with me when I wasn't crying, but the nurse said that there wasn't one correct way to deal with it. I didn't tell anyone except for Robbie because I thought he deserved to know, you know? I thought it was the right thing to do. We'd fought before, but this was different. He wanted me to keep it even though I knew he'd ditch us as soon as the kid was born. He was as mean as he could be, using everything he knew about me against me. Psych majors. They know how to use your own self against you. So, I left. I chickened out and fled to Ireland. Let an asshole like that chase me away from my goddamn dreams."
There were a few beats of silence. Then Chrissy spoke. Caoimhe liked that about her. She was always thoughtful and took the time to choose her words.
"You're not a chicken. You're the bravest person I've ever met, Caoimhe. You don't deserve crap like that, and I can see why the idea of Eddie isn't easy for you. You hate losing control."
"That's what the therapist said."
"Yeah, they're good at that. You hate losing control, and it freaks you out. This is okay, unless- unless it stops you from being happy. I think this might be one of those times."
Chrissy curled their fingers together.
"I can't ever entirely know what it's like. But I can try. I know it feels like everything's messed up, and you think you messed up because you kissed him first. I also know you think you'll freak him out somehow. But Eddie's known you since we were kids. I don't think anything about you freaks him out. Not Robbie, not your parents, not your emotions. Any of it. I think even if you told Eddie to go away and leave you alone, he would. You know him."
"And he knows me too. I think that's what's so scary about it."
"Exactly, you can't fake it in front of him. Which is a good thing because that's exhausting, and you need to stop doing that. Let yourself be vulnerable. I told you Eddie was mopey when you left, but you should see your face when you look at him," Chrissy said.
"Fucking hell, I thought I put a lock on that ages ago," Caoimhe groaned.
"It was more obvious a few years ago. I just know what to look for. Are you okay?"
"Oddly enough, the therapist was right. Thanks."
"Secrets are hard to keep. They build up inside you until you choke or spill them to the nearest person."
"I leave for two years, and you're so smart, Chris."
"Hey, I had to learn how to survive in this town."
"You did." Caoimhe thought for a few seconds. "Jesus, what if Eddie wants to have kids? What do I tell him? What if he wants to get married? My ma will be a terrible mother-in-law. She'd wear a white dress to make me feel bad about leaving her with Eamon and Kieran."
"Nik, it's your first date," Chrissy said. "You're thinking way into the future."
"The future's all I've had for my entire life."
"Then it's time to be in the present. Do something for you and no one else. Take a chance on Eddie. Show him you. I've never seen you take a chance on a guy, which is nuts because otherwise, you're one of the most impulsive people I know. Now, listen, it's your choice. What do you want to do? Do you want me to tell Eddie that you're sick? Do you want to reschedule?"
"No, I want to go. What's wrong with me?"
"There is nothing wrong with you. Everything has turned on its head, which is disorienting, I know. But it's good. This is finally happening. Don't fight it."
"What the fuck am I going to wear?" Caoimhe asked, not paying Chrissy much attention. "I didn't even ask where we were going."
"Eddie had his hair up and was wearing nice pants, right?" Chrissy mulled this over. "Well, jeans without a million holes, anyway. What about that black dress in the back of your closet?"
"I forgot I had that. Does that work?"
"Yes, with your formal leather jacket. Which, by the way, is an oxymoron."
"It is not. Ah, what accessories?! What am I doing?"
"You're going on a date with a guy you've liked for years and who has been pining over you for the same amount of time," Chrissy said calmly. "Those shoes in the corner right there. And your skull necklace to match Eddie's ring if you want to be cute. The dog collar if you don't."
"It's not a dog collar."
"Fine, the studded choker or whatever."
"Okay. Okay. You're right. I need to take a chance on this."
Caoimhe got up from her vanity to get dressed. Chrissy kept up a stream of chatter the whole time, which was nice. Caoimhe did feel better after telling Chrissy the whole story. The whole thing happened almost nine months ago, anyway, and the more that time passed, the better Caoimhe felt about the entire thing. After she went to the clinic, she felt overwhelming relief. Then her fight with Robbie made her feel guilty and angry. Then she was confused and afraid of even being in the same city as him, so she'd taken a gap year to sort herself out.
She hadn't planned on going to Ireland, but one of her cousins was going to visit family, and Caoimhe decided to tag along. Her family was from Donegal but had moved down south ages ago when it looked like things were going to erupt between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. The fighting didn't touch them, but they kept up with the news. Caoimhe gained new perspectives that way- hope in the face of disaster and letting go- trying new things and realizing that she was hardcore in love with Eddie and tired of dating guys that would rather punch fascists in the face than be nice to her. She was a walking cliche. She returned to Hawkins from Ireland as a "changed person." Cringeworthy but accurate.
"Nikki, listen to me," Chrissy said.
"Hm?"
"This has been years in the making. I know it's hard to give up control and feel these things in real-time. You need to trust yourself. You need to trust him. You can't live your life off of what-ifs, you know? And I'll be here when you get back. If you want to talk, we can. If you don't, we don't. But go on this date and stop wondering. I'm tired of watching you stare at him and pretend like you aren't."
"You're right. And a certified relationship counselor," Caoimhe said.
"I'm in love with a boy who doesn't know me like he thinks he does, and you're a control freak who can't ever show weakness," Chrissy pointed out. "We both need a therapist."
"That's true. We're talking about what you just said when I get back, though. Don't think we aren't."
"Obviously. Are you ready?"
"Yeah." Caoimhe squared her shoulders. "I'll see you later. Thanks for staying with them."
"I know you don't like leaving them alone. And I like it better over here anyway."
"We have fresh kale in the fridge if you want it."
"I might. Hey, have fun, okay? It's only Eddie." Chrissy glanced at the clock. "Ah, go already! It's been fourteen minutes and fifty-two seconds!"
Caoimhe squeezed Chrissy's hand three more times for luck.
"See you later, Chris. Love you," she said.
"Love you back."
Eddie was still waiting in the house, though he'd moved into the kitchen. He was looking at their fridge magnet collection. Caoimhe admired him for a few seconds because she thought that was a thing she was allowed to do now. She shook off the prior conversation. It still was in the back of her mind and yelling at her to tell Eddie, but it was a little better now like it was trapped behind a sheet of glass to mute any leftover negative feelings from leaking through. Chrissy was right. Eddie wasn't malicious or judgmental. Even though others treated him so badly, he was still so genuine. There was nothing secret about Eddie Munson. No ulterior motives or hidden cruelty. It was just him. She could tell him to fuck off and leave her alone, and he would.
She didn't want that, damn it. She wanted him. And even if this date bombed and they never spoke again, at least she'd get some closure and finally move on with her life. But Caoimhe hoped it wouldn't bomb. She'd wanted Eddie for years and had finally realized it. She came back to Hawkins thinking Eddie and Chrissy would be together, but they weren't. Caoimhe still tried to set them up, but she didn't push it as hard because she realized it wasn't good for her stupid heart. Anyway, Chrissy told her to back off, and then she and Eddie hooked up. Chrissy was right. She needed to give up and trust that Eddie'd be there. She could tell him things, and he wouldn't hate her. Tell him about Robbie. Maybe she'd make him a mixtape, too. She could do this. It was only Eddie, after all.
"Hey, sorry it took so long," Caoimhe said.
