Ok, think, think, think. Crap, don't do well under pressure. Ok, breathe, just breathe, focus and don't throw up.

"Captain Reynolds, I think she really doesn't look very good, perhaps you should…"

"Doc, I'm the Captain and right now I'm not caring too much if I am not being my usual warm and fuzzy "let's talk about your feelings" self considering we have an unknown and possibly dangerous stowaway on board. I want answers little girl and I want them now. Who in the goramm 'verse are you and what are you doing aboard my ship?"

Shit, shit, shit, "Ahhh, um, name? Yes I have a name it's…it's…" much easier to think without a gun in your face… "uhhm, Mary…Sue? No wait..." crap, I'm an idiot. Everybody is looking at me and none to friendly like either. Yeah, real insert-yourself-here fanfics would never get past the first chapter because they would end real quick with and bang and a squish. The End.

"All right little Miss Mary Sue, or maybe not, how is it that you managed to get aboard?"

"Uhmm, the ever ubiquitous deus-ex-machina of literary canons?"

Click.

"Sorry, sorry I dunno, I really don't," Me and my smart mouth. "Oh God I don't wanna be space debris. I'm too young to be space debris and not even space debris in my own dimension, time period, home planet's orbit, whatever, Oh God…"

"I'm gonna ask you one last time, and think real careful how you wanna answer. Perhaps something not involving canons of any sort would be a good start considering that we are armed and gettin' a mite irritated. Now, what are you doing on my ship and how the hell did you get aboard?"

Ok, ok, hmmm. Was typing, then computer froze, then blammy, now I'm here. Yeah, that will go over real well. Just as I was about to resign myself to getting a souvenir in the brain or taking a spacewalk sans spacesuit I was rescued by my barefoot knightess in a shift.

"I told you, it was the sensory input which overloads the circuitry, leading to infinite improbability of actions causing the temporary conversion and subsequent diversion of our two dimensional pathways. Then again nobody ever listens to what I say." River muttered.

Thankfully that drew everyone's attention away from me for a split second, allowing me to postpone a premature stroke or heart attack for a few moments longer.

"River? And you…Mary…Sue... whoever the hell you are, what in the goramm 'verse is going on?" Mal bellowed as he looked bewilderedly back and forth between the two of us.

Ok, how do these cross dimensional things usually work? Hmmm, generally there is some sort of dire peril in which only one person, Mary Sue, can save everyone using her breathtaking beauty, cunning wit, wonderful personality and her unrivaled skills in combat, telepathy and cheerfully perky singing with cute fuzzy animals, as well as abysmal writing skills, which allows her to be called anywhere in which her attributes are needed to horribly annoy and piss off everyone who reads it, therefore successfully defeating the bad guys who commit ritual suicide rather than face that fuzzy glop of annoyance as soon as they hear the dreaded words "Mary Sue".

Well unless they consider a shrimpy college student with severe apathy towards fashion, terribly antisocial tendencies and the only skill in which I am unparalled in is sarcasm their savior I am pretty sure we are all thoroughly screwed, pardon, humped. Must remember to stay in character for this universe. Whew, guess that means I'm in no danger of turning into a Mary Sue quite yet then.

Dammit, that also means the ticket to getting back where I was coming from is to figure out and solve whatever brought me here in the first place. Shit, I really suck at decision making, I haven't even officially announced my major yet, much less save anyone or anything in distress due to my impeccably nonexistent leadership skills. This ought to be real fun.