They sway back and forth, from side-to-side on the saddles as the horses move across the river. She seems so relaxed in the moment - closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as they make it onto the river bank.
She turns her head towards him and mentions how beautiful it is - the little island surrounded and secluded by a ribbon of the river looped around it. He nods in agreement but he's not thinking about the forest in front of them but the way she looks. She pulled out her Stetson for this short adventure, the black felt sitting on top of her head with her hair flowing freely beneath it. And that along with the rest of her outfit does something for him - it's simple but breathtaking when combined with her natural beauty.
While he's distracted, it seems like they only travel a couple clicks away from the river bank before they're mutually and silently deciding to stop. Both of them taking one more look around before nodding in sync. When they dismount from their respective saddles he notices the opening in the trees that frames the view of the valley and the mountain across the way - it's the perfect spot he had in mind when he suggested taking a break from the case.
Once they lay the blankets down and get the food, he sits down and gently pulls her from her daze onto his lap.
"Thank you." She whispers to him and he says it right back to her. Her eyebrows furrow and her lips purse just a bit before he leans in for kiss. When they pull away, they have that same loving look that he's sure he has in his eyes is reflected back in hers.
"You too." They whisper at the same time, a content smile coming to both of their faces before they're reattaching their lips.
The memory ends just as a collective sigh practically echoes off the walls of the courtroom. Though there's only a handful of people in attendance for Andrew's sentencing - almost all of them, with the exception of Andrew himself are relieved. The decision being made rather quickly by the judge to sentence him to the maximum amount of time for each crime committed.
Jay nods his head at the judge and then looks around. His eyes immediately landing on her as she visibly relaxes in her seat. Her head tilts up and her shoulders loosen. Even from where he's sitting, he can see tears in her eyes just before she closes them. He suddenly feels a stinging pain throughout his entire body knowing that he can't go to her and wrap her in his arms - the whiskey he drank before coming in here seemingly waring off in that instant. But then he sees her take a deep breath and smile as she looks at Nadia and he tells himself that she'll be ok. He rises to his feet - stuffing his hands in his front pockets and turning to exit the room. His head hangs low so his gaze doesn't meet hers - knowing it'll only make it harder to walk away.
He staggers to his truck and is just about to get into the driver's seat to wait for a ride, when he hears his name. And in his foggy, drowsy state he actually thinks it's Erin. But when the voice repeats his name, he takes note that it's not the voice he thought or maybe even hoped it would be. So with a sigh he turns towards her.
"You're just going to leave without talking to her?" She ridicules and he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Are you ok?" His assistant and friend asks next.
"I didn't think she'd want to talk to me. And I really don't know what to say Nadia. I didn't the last night her and I spoke. And I don't know now." He sighs and she nods.
"Tell her what you've told me." She pauses for a moment as she glances behind her to check that no one is nearby. "That you miss her and how much you love her."
"I never told you the second thing." His eyebrows furrow as he looks at her.
"Am I wrong?" She counters and he chuckles sadly with a slow shake of his head.
Then she continues. "Look Jay, you said it yourself that Hank doesn't know her the way he thinks and that's his daughter. So how would he know who you are? Or what's best for either of-"
"Hey." Erin interrupts - tucking some of her hair behind her right ear as she come to stand next to Nadia.
"Hey." Nadia greets back - not realizing her friend had walked out. "I'll uh...just wait in the car."
Both Erin and Jay nod and then Nadia goes to wait for Erin like she said.
"So thirty years?" Jay slurs and Erin nods as she bites her lip while shifting her gaze down.
"That's more than I thought they'd give him." He admits with a shrug.
"Me too." Erin agrees meekly, retucking her hair behind her ear after the wind blows it into her face.
"Look Erin, I'm-"
"If you're about to apologize Jay, please don't. I had hoped that I could help you carry it all and maybe one day, you'll let me. But for now I just hope you'll find out for yourself how to work through everything you're feeling." She sniffles and he steps forward until he's close enough reach out and touch her - even though he keeps his arms at his sides.
"Erin." He whispers, getting her to finally look up at him, with tears in her eyes again. And that's when the smell hits her - the whiskey on his breath wafting her nostrils as the wind shifts and blows against his back.
"Have you been drinking?" Erin asks him and he looks at his feet. There's no judgment in her voice even though he recognizes that there should be but instead, there's a hint of worry in her question. He mumbles how it's helped him through the last couple weeks and she grabs his hand and squeezes gently.
"I know I fucked up. I blew it with you - again and no matter what you say I still owe you an apology. You took me by surprise and I guess I just wasn't sure what to say or do - I can't say I'm even sure now. But I do know that I don't want this to be it. I want to talk when you're ready." He tells her - simply ignoring her question because he knows she already has the answer. She's the one that reaches for him and cups his jaw.
"I've been ready but I want you to be sure. I don't want to talk while you're buzzed, just to regret it when you sober up."
"We haven't talked in weeks Erin and this - you are all I've been able to think about. I've tried to stop - to distract myself or drown out my feelings but no matter how much I work or drink I can't stop thinking and daydreaming about you." He confides and he sees the look in her eyes soften with more tears pooling to the point that she has to wipe at her cheeks.
"I'll be right back." She tells him before pulling away and walking to her car.
He stays in the same spot for a few minutes as she talks to Nadia. His eyes close in attempt to compose himself but it just makes him realize how tired he is so he reopens them and sees that she's making her way back over to him. He can see Nadia give them a quick glance and a small smirk before she climbs into the driver's seat from the passenger side and starts the car.
"Where is she going?" He watches the vehicle exit the parking lot before looking back at Erin.
"She's going home." She answers and a sad smile comes to his face.
"So you're coming with me?" He murmurs drunkly and she nods again.
"I'm driving." She reveals and he sighs with a shake of his head.
"Erin, I can handle getting home. I was planning on calling Kevin or Adam." He protests - not wanting her to go through the trouble of driving him all the way home if doesn't want but she's not having it.
"I figured but even if I didn't know that, it wouldn't be up for debate. Plus my ride just left." She argues as she sticks out her hand for his keys. He fishes them out his pocket and hesitantly gives them over before going to the passenger side of his truck and getting in.
Her heart sinks a little when she opens the door and gets another whiff of alcohol - strong and more distinct than what is on his breath. She feels guilty when she sees the bottle on the floor by his feet - telling herself that she should have reached out to him. But she hopes by going back to the ranch with him now, that she gets the chance to repair what's been broken between them.
"I wouldn't do that, you know - drink and drive. I bought the bottle and drank some when I got here. I've been struggling but wouldn't risk someone else's life just so I could numb myself." He feels the need to explain that.
She whispers an ok with one more sigh she turns the key in the ignition and backs out of the parking spot. He falls asleep shortly after they leave the lot - basically leaving her alone with her thoughts as they continue to run wild on the drive to his cabin.
When they get to the ranch, she pulls up next to the ATV and turns the truck off. She turns in her seat and takes him in as she nudges his shoulder - hoping the short nap helped sober him a little for their talk.
"Am I allowed to go up to take care of my animals?" He asks after a beat of silence - already sounding better than he did at courthouse a mere forty-five minutes ago.
She looks over at him - trying to gauge whether it's really a good idea for him to go up by himself. "You don't have to ask me Jay. Can I help with anything?"
"It'll be quick, I just have to put them away and give them some fresh water. If you just want to wait here." He reasons - wanting a little more time to himself to think of how to fix things with her again.
She nods in agreement and he can tell that she gets why he wants to do it himself - even without him having to say it out loud for her.
"Just be careful please." She whispers and he nods as he leans over to place lingering kiss to her temple.
Then he's gone - driving off on the ATV towards his mountain cabin. She stays in the truck for another minute before going inside.
When he gets to his second home he rushes to the door. The sound of Poppy whining and barking makes him move quicker to get inside - worried that something's wrong. Only to find the young dog lying on the couch.
"What's going on Pop?" He asks the puppy as if she'll answer while he walks towards her. She nuzzles her nose into the blanket under her chest and sticking out between her front legs. It's the blanket Erin always used while she was here - whenever they weren't in bed and even if they were inside with a fire going.
His lips meet her neck as she turns her head and reaches for her beer. He continues peppering kisses along collarbone.
"Babe." She warns him - the petname coming out a bit muffled as she says it into the bottle before taking another pull and then setting the bottle back down.
"I couldn't help myself." He whispers back to her as he pulls her closer so her center meets his groin. A groan permeates from his lips as she rubs herself against him for a moment. His hands grip her sides as he flips them - the blanket that was wrapped around them falling to the floor and is soon covered with a pile of their discarded clothes.
They're breathing is still returning to normal and the sweat that accumulated on their bodies is starting to dry in the cooling room. His hand that was on her abdomen reaches across her and pulls the blanket off the floor to cover their bodies and moments later she's asleep with his arms still wrapped around her.
When he gets back to the cabin after working with the animals he finds her on one of the chairs on the porch. The papers she scanning over sit atop the blanket that's covering her legs as Poppy lies next to her, the puppy's head resting against her new person's thigh.
He smiles seeing his girl and his dog as they are now - chuckling a little at how quickly the pup has bonded to her. And his grin only grows when she looks at him over her glasses set low on her nose with a smile of her own on her face.
"What are you chuckling at?" One of her eyebrows hiking up with the question.
"I still can't believe how she's taken to you." He points to the dog.
She shrugs as if she's not sure about his assessment but then asks. "Why is that hard to believe?"
He shakes his head - the smile still not leaving his face because he can't blame the puppy at all. And with that he walks over to them and leans down to kiss Erin before petting the puppy's head.
He shakes the thought as he takes in the disheveled appearance of the room - a combination of the mess he and his dog made while they were grieving, which makes him decide to tidy up a bit before stopping in front of the couch. He gives the command for Poppy to get down, so he can fix the pillows and cushions but she doesn't move and even lays her head down on the blanket.
"Poppy off." He repeats in a way that's a little more stern than before but still the puppy remains in her spot.
He sighs as he sits on the arm of the couch and looks out the window - pulling one of his hands down his face to help calm him. His heart only beats faster with his frustration, in the exact way it did when he hung up the phone a few weeks ago.
He's a little confused as she shakes her head.
"I'm moving back to Montana, Jay." She finally tells him and he wipes at his beard nervously, his heartrate picking up even more as he looks at the pictures on the walls - most of them with her.
"Jay?" She sighs when he doesn't say anything back.
He was already unsure of what he wanted or what he should do. His decision of whether or not he wants to go through with breaking up with her becomes even harder.
Without him even realizing he murmurs that he has to go before pressing the red button to end the call - not missing the confused and heartbroken expression on her face before the image leaves the screen.
He sighs as he goes to rub the puppy's neck - the knowledge that she can sense the animosity roaring inside of him gets ignored as his hand simply brushes against the blanket and that's when Poppy nips at him. Her newly adult teeth impaling his skin with ease.
"Damn it." He yells - feeling her canines pierce into his skin in a couple spots. Poppy flinches from his booming voice and slinks off the couch before scurrying away as her owner goes to the sink to clean off his hand.
He watches as the water goes from clear to a light pink as it swirls down the drain. His other hand reaches for the dish soap, bringing it to a thick lather on his hand before rinsing it off. The second thing he uses is the bottle of vodka next to the sink. The blue glass is three-quarters of the way full and he tips it upside down over his hand until the translucent liquor is gone. He looks over the bite wounds while blindly reaching for the kitchen towel to wrap around it until he can get back down the mountain. His eyes take in the pink holes in his skin, the muscle and tendons beneath it. There's five spots in total but only three are really deep, which start bleeding again just before he covers them with the black towel.
He swears to himself when he sees that he left the front door open and his puppy is nowhere to be found. Whistling and calling her name doesn't get any results as he walks outside, so he makes quick work of tending to the animals before leaving to go back to Erin - hoping Poppy ran home and didn't get lost in the woods.
The sky has grown darker in the time that it's taken him to make the return trip to his main cabin. Thunder rumbles through the valley just as he pulls up to the porch and it sounds again when he climbs off the ATV. He peers around for Poppy while whistling some more but he stops and squints his eyes to narrow in on Erin talking to Kevin as they saddle up some horses. The worried expression on his girl's face is obvious as he approaches them.
He starts talking before he even gets close. "What are you-?"
"Thank god, are you ok?" She cuts him off and moves in to hug him tight. He's a little taken aback but whispers that he's fine as he wraps his arms around her.
"Why? Were you two about to start a search team?" He asks with a flat chuckle and she narrows her eyes at him - not finding him the least bit funny in the moment.
"Poppy came to the door and started scratching and whining at it. I opened it, expecting you to be parking the ATV or at least close-by. So when you didn't show, I got worried. Thought maybe the blood by her mouth was yours and came to ask Kevin to help me look for you."
"Well the blood is mine but not from what you think." He tells her and she looks confused before he lifts up his hand that's still wrapped in the towel.
The rain starts up right after that and Erin goes back to the cabin while Jay talks to Kevin a little bit before the latter bids him goodnight and walks the horses back into the stables.
More thunder crackles as he walks through door - overshadowing the noise of the thick wood closing behind him. He kicks off his boots and hears Erin talking to who he can only assume is Poppy. His hat comes off next - getting hung up on the top of the coat rack.
"It's ok Pop." She says as he rounds the corner into the livingroom. He can't stop the smile that comes to his face when he sees them already cuddled up on the couch in a way that's much similar to how they were in the memory he last recalled. But this time, the dog is shaking next to Erin - practically trembling against her leg.
"She's been like this since she got back." Erin states while petting the dog's head.
"Yeah, I guess I scared her off." He shrugs.
"I still can't believe she bit you." She comments and nods because he can't believe it either if he's being honest.
"I think she thought I was going to take your blanket away from her." He admits.
"My blanket?" Her confusion evident both in her voice as well as her expression as she raises an eyebrow at him.
"That grey one you'd always use when we were up there. It must smell like your perfume or lotion because she's become obsessed with it since you left."
Erin pokes out her bottom lip in an adorable pout as she watches as Poppy closes her eyes to sleep. He wonders why she's making that face with a small smile dancing on his lips before asking what's wrong.
"She missed me." Erin murmurs and he chuckles at that.
"Yeah I guess." He nods as he too looks down at the dog. "But I don't think she missed you as much as I did."
That gets Erin to look back up at him and she whispers his name.
"I know it's my fault, I was pushing you away even before you left. But you don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say that you're moving home. And deep down I knew there was no way I could hurt you but then I let what he said get to me." He's ashamed - that much she can tell just by the distain in his voice and his body language.
"He, who?" She asks, a protective tone in the her voice. Their eyes meet and he tells her who without having to say it. He can see the fire that revelation ignites within her.
He lets her ponder for a little longer and then starts again. "Then came the dreams and they kept getting worse - even after you went back to Chicago."
"Can I ask what they were about?" She questions and he nods but doesn't say anything as he sits down next to her.
"You don't have to." She assures him while bringing one of her hands up to rest on his back as he remains silent for another couple minutes.
"It starts out good, we're just lying in our bed. My arms are wrapped around you - your back to my chest as I kiss your neck. Then a baby starts crying and you walk out of the room without saying anything. At first I think the baby is Sammy Jo and I want to see you with her." He takes a deep breath and squeezes her thigh to ground him - her presence reminding him that it's not real, that she's there with him before he goes on. "As I follow you down the hall, I realize that we're at the WJ Ranch house. It all looks the same but the rooms are empty. Then I get to the closet I hid in that day, it was like I was in his shoes. I lift the gun and pull the trigger. The crying stops and I open the door to you on the floor - in the exact same spot with a little baby wrapped in a blue blanket in your arms and blood all over both of you. And I can't wake up until I lift the gun and shoot again." He closes his eyes as she moves her hand up his back until her fingers are raking through the hair on the back of his head.
"In the dream I'm Patrick and when I do come out of it, my first thought every time is that I'll become him and that thought scares the shit out of me. The image of you with our future child; that little foot sticking out of the blanket, hurts and I can't get it out of my head." He doesn't even realize that he's crying until he feels her thumb sweep over his cheek - wiping away the drops with the gentlest of touches. She pulls him towards her after that, his head coming to rest on her shoulder. And she cranes her neck to kiss his head.
The moment is brief and he moves back to sit upright again after a mere minute or two. His hand squeezes her leg again and she grips his forearm before she's stands up and walks away.
It's discouraging to him - that he told her what he did - let himself be vulnerable just to have her leave. He thought that if it wasn't over before, then it is now. His heart drops more with each moment she doesn't come back. He even looks towards the window to see if she made a quick and quiet exit. But to his surprise, she sits down in her previous spot and gently pulls his injured hand onto her lap. She remains quiet while cleaning the punctures and scratches on his hand.
"Do you think those thoughts or that type of dream would have bothered Patrick?" She asks - once again stunning him. But it gets him to think and he eventually shakes his head - hoping she'll elaborate.
"Do you think he tried pushing your mom away to protect her from himself?" Is her follow-up to which he answers with a simple no.
"And do you think he felt for your mom, the way you feel about me?" She asks next and his eyes narrow for a split second.
"No." Jay's voice is loud and stern with the one word.
"There's so many reasons that show you're not him - that you could never be like him in anyway Jay. But those three things are the biggest. Because you care about and take care of everyone around you. And though I never met him-"
"Thankfully." He pipes in with that.
"Though I didn't know him, it seems apparent to me that Patrick only ever cared about Patrick." She tightens the gauze around his hand and then tapes the end to keep it in place.
"And you are the most amazing, caring, loving and protective man I have ever met. I know that you could never, ever be anything like your dad." She cups the sides of his face and kisses his forehead again, both of their eyes closing with the contact. And when she peels her lips from his skin, she immediately leans back in to rest her head against his. They stay that way for a while before he whispers something against her lips - three words that take her breath away - his too.
A/N: I just wanted apologize for the mistakes and any inaccuracies in terms of the sentencing. Believe it or not I did research on the associated crimes but there really wasn't a lot of consistency in my findings, so I just went with what seemed to "fit" in my opinion. I also wanted to thank you for following along. I was so excited to see that this story is almost at 110k words. This has definitely been my favorite story to write and share. And I think the fact that I've written the most for this WIP shows that. I appreciate each of you for sticking with it, and commenting when you like it. I just hope that I can keep your interest in this story for however long it goes. I'm going to try my hardest to stay on top of updates but of course with how life goes most of the time, I can't promise anything. Thank you again and I hope your week goes great!
