The pink lines begin to blur on the cheaper of two sticks while the single word on the second one fades and they almost seem to disappear as she continues to stare at the tests. It still feels unreal - still trying to wrap her head around the fact that she's pregnant. She wonders if there's a chance the tests are wrong or that they're going to change. But as her stomach churns in a newly familiar way those thoughts vanish and she quickly moves off her bed - the plastic sticks getting tossed onto her nightstand as she rushes to the bathroom.
Her hands are shaking and her eyes watering as she flushes and goes to the sink. She takes a few steadying breaths after turning on the water. Then she's washing her hands, splashing her face and brushing her teeth in that order in quick succession.
A small smile comes to her face after blot drying her skin and looking from her reflection, down to her belly. It may be her mind playing tricks on her but she feels like a small bump is already forming and taking over her usually flat abdomen.
When she takes her previous spot on her bed, she glances at one of the tests and then the picture behind it. Her heart constricts looking at the two teenagers in the photo - both of them smiling and staring in the same direction at something out of frame - neither knowing what the future held for them, together. She admires his soft, young facial features in the pictue before she looks down and runs her hand over her belly again while thinking of their little one growing within her womb.
Poppy sighs and lays her head on Erin's abdomen - adjusting herself to sleepily look at her owner. Erin smirks tiredly as the memory from last year fades and she runs one of her index fingers over the bridge of the young dog's nose. Poppy's two different colored eyes close for a moment before she reopens them and adverts her gaze to the other side of the bed causing Erin to do the same.
The temptation to wake him up as soon as her eyes land on him is almost too hard to resist. She selfishly wants to talk and vent to him right now, at one in the morning because she's finally feeling courageous enough to let him in. But one look at the peaceful expression on his face has her holding back. She leans back against the headboard and just watches his hand that's resting on his abdomen rise and fall with each even breath he takes. Her own hands move to the spot over her heart and the flat plain of her belly, her thumb gently sweeping over the skin above her bellybutton as she tries to match his breathing - slowly inhaling and exhaling as she closes her eyes.
She groans quietly in frustration when several minutes pass and sleep still doesn't consume her. Her eyes open again and land on her man still asleep next to her. He used to be a much lighter sleeper when they first got together - waking up at the smallest noise or movement but now he doesn't even budge. It has her wondering what has changed in the last couple months to make him be able to sleep like a rock even as she tosses and turns beside him. She moves to lay on her side, her one hand still pressed to her belly while her eyes wander towards the window, the moon and stars are rather calming by themselves but especially when their light casts a faint glow onto Jay - almost like a spotlight coming in through the window and illuminating his handsome face. She lets the sight calm her - even if just a little but she still remains awake. A sigh passes through her lips as she slides down so her back is flat against the mattress, her eyes now staring at the ceiling. Eventually she gets out of the bed entirely, looking back at him over her shoulder and smiling at his sleeping form before heading downstairs.
The idea that some tea may help her sleep comes to mind as soon as she gets to the bottom stair. She walks straight to the kitchen and grabs the kettle to fill with water. Her thoughts continue to race as she waits for the squeal of the tea kettle to signal that the water is boiling. She's on autopilot - moving through the kitchen and grabbing what she needs while her mind is elsewhere.
Once she has her cup she moves back towards the stairs but stops short seeing her laptop still open on the coffee table. She changes her course of direction and ends up sitting down on the couch. One of her hands keeps the mug up close to her mouth blowing steadily at the steaming hot liquid while she uses her other hand to tap the mouse pad of her laptop - the screen quickly coming to life. The new email notification sounds as soon as the computer turns on and it has her scrolling to get to the page.
Her index finger hovers as she scans through the few new emails in her inbox for a minute before she's clicking on the email from the real-estate agent that must have been sent right after she left the laptop on the coffee table while she went to make lunch in the afternoon. She looks at the listing without reading the message sent along with the link. Recognizing that it's the property she was looking forward to seeing just weeks ago and it fills her with a small amount of excitement. It causes her to return to the email to see that the supposed buyers backed out and the house is back on the market. She thinks about replying to the real-estate agent but decides against it until she can talk to Jay. Then she exits the email to return to her inbox. Her eyes immediately land on the one below the listing, one of the several she read earlier in the day - the reminder from the doctor's office. She's so focused on the message that she read not long ago, that her vision starts to blur much the memory that came to her when she was trying to go to sleep. The puppy moving away from where she was cuddling her thigh goes unnoticed and Erin doesn't even see her slink back up the stairs.
The young dog slowly walks to the side of the bed where her other owner is still sleeping. She whimpers as she lays her head beside his arm and then slowly nuzzles his hand with her nose but gets no response so she jumps up onto him and barks which gets him to start to open his eyes. But when one of Poppy's paws slips and hits his groin he lurches forward - suddenly wide awake.
"Poppy what-?" He begins to yell but when he looks over to the other side of the bed and finds it empty, he doesn't even bother finishing his question.
The blanket almost trips him up as he tries to rush from the room. His heart thumps in his chest as he races down the stairs but slows when he finds her sitting on the couch. She slams the laptop shut in front of her and almost spits out her drink as she sees him approach in her peripheral.
"Hey, is everything ok?" She questions when she looks over at him and he shakes his head with worry lines creasing his forehead.
"I was just about to ask you that." He gestures to her as he steps closer.
"I umm..." The courage she felt just a little bit ago disappears in an instant and she struggles to find her words. She wants to talk to him about what's been on her mind for the last several hours but can't for some reason so she just nods back.
"I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake you so I came down here for some tea and got distracted." She adds - telling herself it's not exactly a lie, it's just not the whole truth as she glances back at the laptop.
"Are you feeling ok?" He inquires next as sits down with his hand coming to rest on the small of her back, his fingers and palm finding home on her skin beneath the shirt of his that she's wearing. She shakes her head to answer his question but doesn't elaborate at all - choosing instead to reopen her laptop and pull up the listing of the ranch.
"It's back on the market?" He asks with as much excitement as he can muster given how tired he is.
"Apparently." She sniffles as she scrolls through the pictures again. That's when he notices the tear tracks on her cheeks.
He cups her jaw, wipes the tears away and then gets her to look up at him. "Talk to me babe."
"I'm ok." She shrugs off his worry.
"The fact that you've been crying suggests otherwise." He refutes and she chuckles sadly. A few moments pass before she says anything.
"A month ago, I was set on finding another ranch for us - a place to build our own family. But now with everything that's happened, I'm scared to leave here - for our kids not to know this place. Yet I feel just as scared to stay." Her free hand combs back through her hair to try and soothe herself.
His heart sinks with her admission and he shakes his head to try and grasp what she's saying. He hums as he thinks it over and comes to realize he feels the same way she does about both staying and moving. But he knows he wants what will make her happy and hopes that moving and starting new will help her through the process of grieving and healing.
"Do you want to go back to Chicago?" He's afraid of her reply - dreading it really but he felt he had to ask.
"No, not at all, I still want to be with you - even more now that I did before." Her words are sincere and put him at ease just a little.
"That's all I want too, to be with you." He murmurs to her and her lips curl up ever-so-slightly.
"I just don't know if we should stay here or move." Her hand comes to rest on his thigh and gives it a firm squeeze.
"Can I tell you what I think?" His breath ghosts over the skin of her temple after placing a kiss there and she nods with a whispered of course.
"We should look at this house and go from there." He tells her and she sniffles again.
"Did you ask that kid when we can take a tour?" He scoots closer to her and pulls her into his side as he leans back into the couch - causing her to do the same before she shakes her head.
"I wanted to talk to you first." She whispers back as she looks up at him and kisses the underside of his jaw.
"Can we go back to sleep now, please?" He asks with his eyes already closed and his head leant back on the couch but his eyebrows raise causing wrinkles to form on his forehead again. She chuckles at him once more before turning to shut down the laptop properly and then taking her mug to the kitchen before walking back over to him and grabbing one of his hands, giving it a tug in hopes of getting him to stand up but he just pulls back so she lands on his lap.
"I thought you wanted to go back to bed?" She asks as she leans in so they're chest-to-chest and cups both sides of his jaw with her thumbs brushing over his coarse facial hair.
"No, I asked to go back to sleep." He corrects as he opens his eyes just enough for her to see them twinkle a little.
"And I'm pretty sure we can do that right here." He adds as he turns his head to the side to kiss her left wrist and then he's gently moving her off his lap so he can lay down on his side. She follows suit and lays in front of him so that they're once again chest-to-chest. Her eyes watch as she traces the faint pink, raised scar at the base of his collarbone - recalling how he got it.
She can see him watch Allie's white car disappear down the gravel driveway and she does the same before taking him in. The thought of breaking things off with his girlfriend is one Erin knows has been being tossed around in his head for a while now - something he even asked for her opinion on. And though she doesn't particularly like Allie, she knows he needs to make the decision for himself and not base it on his best friend's dislike for the other girl. So she bit her tongue and gave him some vague line about doing what feels right. She sighed when he gave her an eye roll and walked away from her and the conversation. But if the loud and heated argument the two just had is anything to go off of, Erin assumes he made up his mind. She sees his shoulders sag and his back slumps a little telling her that he's drained from the ordeal. It makes her sad to see him appear almost defeated and in that moment she tries to think of something - anything that could cheer him up as he turns and makes his way over to her.
He gives her a smile but it doesn't quite reach his eyes and her heart sinks a little more with that.
"I'm sorry." She says as she looks down the driveway, seeing that Allie's car is gone from sight.
He shakes his head and shrugs it off - pretending to not be that bothered by it but she knows him better. She can see through the façade and when the fake smile turns upside down she knows he knows it.
"Care to take a drive with me?" His voice sounds different too - a bit cold.
"And by with, you mean I'll be driving right?" She attempts to lighten the mood and it seems it works as it gets him to chuckle and he relinquishes the keys to the old truck.
They drive some distance before stopping and parking next to a field - missing the 'no trespassing' sign as they climb over the old, wooden fence that's falling apart in more than one place. They talk and continue taking in the darkening sky as they walk to a fallen tree to sit on. She can tell that he's just about to say something when fireworks start lighting up the sky - their close proximity letting the two of them know that someone nearby is setting them off. When the fireworks end, they head back to the truck. They're about halfway through the field when they hear someone approach. Both of them look back and see a dark figure emerge from the woods, they glance at each other and then run - squeezing through a hole in the fence instead of climbing over it. As soon as they're driving away their hearts calm and the potentially dangerous incident is laughed off.
They arrive back at the ranch quickly. The overhead lights turn on as soon as she open the driver's side door.
"Hey Erin." He whispers causing her to stop and look over her shoulder.
"Thanks." He adds and she nods being rendered speechless as she sees the blood on his neck.
She expects him to be sleeping when she breaks from the distant memory, so it comes as a surprise when she finds his gaze set on her. The loving look in his eyes has her tilting her head up and meeting his lips with hers for the first time in weeks - a small glimpse of the intimacy that's disappeared since the night of the attack. He cups her cheek cautiously - wanting her to control this but after another minute or so he feels compelled to deepen the kiss, resulting in him simultaneously pulling her closer and pushing himself forward which causes her to land on her back. The need for more air breaks them apart but he stays in place and gives her a small, sweet smile and she does the same.
"What was that for?" His eyes shining even brighter than they were before.
"Do I have to have a reason to kiss you?" She questions jokingly the genuine smile still on her face and he chuckles at that as he plops back down beside her.
"No, I missed it actually." He shrugs and she nods.
"Me too." She admits.
"And I missed seeing you smile." He says as he kisses her temple.
But her smile quickly disappears and her eyes water again. "I'm sorry for not exactly being easy to be around the last few weeks."
"You don't have to apologize for anything Erin. What happened, that trauma was - is - real. And I'm more than willing to wait for you. You're more than worth the wait." He sympathizes and she continues to look up at him with his words.
"Still I should be more appreciative and should be showing you how thankful I am for sticking with me and allowing me to be here with you." She snuggles closer to him and glances down at her hands on his chest.
"I don't expect you to show me that you're appreciative - especially in the way you're suggesting babe. I miss you but I'd never want you to force yourself into that, ever. And I'm just as thankful that you've let me be here for you in whatever way you need while being the same for me."
She nods and pecks his lips once more before she turns to face the same direction as him. Her heart sinking again - knowing that she should tell him what's been on her mind and the newfound information that's keeping her up.
"I love you." She says to him instead and it warms his soul - basking in the feeling for a moment before pulling her into him so her back is flush against his front and he repeats her words against her ear as he places a couple kisses to the skin just below it. Her hand comes rest on top of his as he keeps one of his arms wrapped around her stomach. She's more comfortable than she was before but that email sits at the forefront of her brain even as she finally succumbs to sleep.
It's calm on the ranch, each of the animals she sees and even the handful of wranglers seem to be moving in slow motion. The usual wild and chaotic atmosphere appears to be the exact opposite of what she became accustomed to while living here. But she reasons that the loss of their boss - the patriarch of the ranch could be why things have changed - seeing as how she hasn't been back here since that night. It doesn't even feel like the same place until she sees two familiar faces walk out from the stables - both men spotting her almost instantly and making their way over.
"Hey." She smiles as her eyes meet her boyfriend's first before looking at Jay.
"Good morning Nadia." Jay greets as he glances at his cabin and then the main house.
"Good Morning, I brought the files you asked for." She lifts up the manila folders in her hand to show what she means.
He nods with a quiet thanks falling off his lips as he looks over his shoulder again.
"Everything ok? How have you been?How is she?" Her voice is shaky and her heart is heavy with guilt that she hasn't been by to see her best friend and help her deal with everything.
"She's getting better I guess - still seems to be bottling things up but that's nothing new." He shrugs and Nadia rolls her eyes at the fact that he didn't answer how he's doing. And she can see that he's not being truthful - that he may even think the exact opposite of what he just said.
"I'm gonna go tack up my horse. I'll talk to you later babe." Kevin interjects, sensing that there's more his girlfriend and friend need to discuss about Erin. So with a quick kiss to Nadia's forehead as she nods, he heads back in the direction they came from.
"Is she still not sleeping?" Nadia questions- knowing that the last time she talked to Erin on the phone a few days ago she mentioned how she wasn't sleeping the best.
"I don't think so. I actually think it's gotten worse. She told me last night that she couldn't fall asleep but then she managed a few hours after we talked a little early this morning and she was still out when I got up. I feel like there was something new bothering her on top of everything else now." He sighs as they look over at the main house seeing the subject of their conversation pace in front of the large livingroom window. Nadia finds herself wondering what else Erin could be hiding.
"Are you guys staying there?" Nadia asks next and Jay just shakes his head.
"No, she just walked over there about a half hour ago. It's the first time she's been back that I know of. I wanted to go check on her but also didn't want to be overbearing." He admits and Nadia shakes her head.
"I don't think she would have seen it that way Jay." Nadia objects and he gives her a look that tells her he disagrees.
"Maybe not, but I'm not risking her pushing me away or shutting me out more because I made her feel like she can't do things on her own." He's frustrated and confused, that much is obvious just by the tone of his voice and the way he's carrying himself.
She nods - not wanting to upset him anymore than he already is. So she treads carefully and chooses to ask if she can go talk to Erin.
"You don't have to ask Nadia - maybe you're the one who can get her to talk and share how she's really feeling." He shrugs as he turns to the side a little.
She feels the need to defend her friend - tell the man standing before her that it's not fair of him to assume his girlfriend is being disingenuous. "Jay she's probably-"
"I have to go finish things up and then change for this house showing in an hour but thank you for bringing the files by." He says as he straightens them in his hands.
"Ok, you're welcome." She nods and then he's retreating back to the stables just like Kevin did just moments ago. She sighs as she moves to go the main cabin.
She knocks a couple times before just letting herself in.
"Hey, it's me." She announces as she bends down to pet Poppy when she walks over to her.
After a couple minutes she moves to where they just saw Erin pacing in front of the window. But when she steps into the livingroom she finds that's her friend is no longer there.
"Erin?" Nadia says while taking in her surroundings.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Erin asks as she appears from a room at the back of the house and goes to sit on the ottoman in the middle of the livingroom.
"Jay asked me to bring some paperwork from his office and I wanted to see how you were doing." Nadia follows suit and has a seat.
Erin sighs with a shrug because while she knows her friends are coming from a good place, she's sick of being asked that how she is. She knows it's irrational and selfish but she just wants to mourn without everyone constantly checking in on her. For some reason their concern is beginning to anger her, even though she knows if the roles were reversed she'd be doing the same thing as them. And it's that thought that gets her to suppress those feelings and give her friend a small, unsure smile.
"I'm scared Nadia." She whispers earnestly with tears coming to her eyes as she looks down at the stack of things in her hands.
"You're scared of what Erin?" Nadia questions, hoping Erin will elaborate some but she just gets a nod. Erin's mouth opens and closes a few times before it seems like she's actually going to answer.
"I got an email yesterday - a reminder for an-" The front door opening causes both women to jump and interrupting their conversation.
"Hey, are you ready?" Jay asks while looking at girlfriend as he steps into the livingroom.
A quick glance is exchanged between Nadia and Erin before the latter nods to answer Jay's question.
Her breath is taken away as soon as they take the first step through the double doors. The open floor plan immediately allowing them to see through to the other side of the house. Each of the windows offer different views of the same mountains they've known their whole lives but the windows frame them to look like pictures - so crisp and perfect. And in the forefront of those mountains is the barn and stables, surrounded by pens and corrals varying in size. It's just the first floor but they both feel that they don't need to see any more - they feel this is it. This house is meant to be theirs - it could be the beginning of their future but still there's that residual hesitation of leaving the Voight ranch. They continue on with the tour anyways, wanting to see what else is in store.
It doesn't even seem real - looking too perfect - as if it's a stage home for a TV show or movie. And she has to run her hand gently along the railing and the walls to ensure that she's not dreaming or imagining one of the houses on one of the Home and Garden shows she watched on occasion back in Chicago. Each of the sizeable rooms are both different in some way yet alike in that there's tons of light exposure - the natural lighting from outside casting a beautiful glow upon the hardwood flooring - while allowing more enchanting views of the wilderness surrounding them.
"And there's a second stairwell on this side of the house that leads back down to the lower level." The real-estate agent tells them as he reaches the end of the hall - having skipped showing them the master bedroom. Jay shakes his head and takes it upon himself to go into the last room. There's three small steps leading into the master so after peeking his head in for a second, he moves back into the hall and stands behind Erin, placing a hand on the small of her back. He takes another look around as he walks to the ensuite bathroom. A smile comes to his face when he sees the spacious stand alone shower and large tub - one that is very similar to the one at his main cabin that she loves but this one is even bigger with a detachable showerhead. He can already picture her in it and with that thought he goes to a few months ago when she was a little tipsy and wanted to take a bath. He chuckles to himself with that thought as he goes back out to the room to find her standing at the window looking out. He comes to stand behind her - wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder with their hands coming to lay one over the other on her belly.
"There's a bathtub here like the one at our cabin but better." He whispers to her and she hums contently in acknowledgement and turns her head towards him but continues looking outside.
"I think we could both fit in this one though." He adds, trying to get a response from her but she just hums again.
"What's going through that beautiful head of yours?" He asks as he turns her around and places two fingers under her chin to tilt her head up gently.
"What do you think of it?" She says, answering his question with one of her own and he nods - staying silent in hopes that she tells him what's causing the uncertainty he sees in her eyes. But when that doesn't work he answers without an ounce of hesitantion.
"The bathtub?...I mean it's nice but-"
"Not the bathtub smartass. What do you think of the house?" She
"I think this is it." He voices and a sad smile comes to her face as he leans in to attach their lips.
"But it doesn't seem like you feel the same." He points out and she doesn't deny it.
"I love it but I..." She trails off because she does love this house but the reasons for leaving the ranch have changed with her dad's passing.
"But there's the ranch." He finishes for her and she nods.
"Do you want to think about it more?" His thumbs rub circles in her lower back.
"What if it sells while we think about it?" She huffs, clearly exasperated and it hurts him to see tears coming to her eyes - a sight that's become all too familiar in the last month and even more in the last couple days.
"Then maybe we're meant to stay where we are." He shrugs and she grows quiet again as she looks back out the window but his eyes stay on her. His arms tighten around her waist and he leans in to kiss the side of her head as she nods again.
The exhaustion really sets in as they walk through the front door of the cabin. Their boots are kicked off in the entryway and left haphazardly where they land. The files they're both carrying soon get dropped to the table against the wall, both of them making a mental note to take them to the small guest bedroom that doubles as an office by the kitchen at some point in the next few days. But for now they just want to shower and relax. They remain quiet as they make their way upstairs - having a silent conversation that he can shower first and then her before they even make it to their room. But she thinks better of it, getting a pair of her panties, and a shirt of his to sleep in before heading back downstairs to the guest bathroom. She takes a slight detour to grab the files set on the entryway table before moving towards the back of the house and tossing the envelopes and manila folders on the desk for another day. Then she walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower - letting just the sound of the cascading water relax her as she begins to disrobe. Her shower is short, shorter than usual - just wanting to wash off the day's events before spending the rest of the night in bed. The discarded clothes are thrown in the hamper on her way out and the light switch is flicked off as she tip toes to the door of the room. She only stops when she sees one of the envelopes mixed in the pile she just threw on the desk moments ago. It's addressed to both her and Jay and she doesn't recall seeing it before but figures she grabbed it from the main cabin earlier. The writing is unmistakably in her dad's hand - a mixture of chicken scratch and cursive. She plucks up the envelope and returns upstairs with Poppy following close behind.
He's walking out of the bathroom just as she enters their room - the two of them colliding as he runs a towel over his hair and she's reading the first document held within the envelope she brought with her. He lets the towel drop from his hand and it lands in the crook of his arm as he quickly steadies her with his arms around her waist. They both whisper apologies while looking at each other. Both of them noticing the other's lack of clothing but neither uttering a word of it as they continue to admire each other's appearance. They're chest-to-chest but they can still see just enough and what they can't is easy to imagine, having been engraved in their memory a long time ago. He stands against her with just a pair of low riding sweatpants on and she's wearing his shirt. Their pajamas pull small smiles from them both just before he leans in to press a kiss to her forehead and then he's backing away and returning to the bathroom to rid himself of the damp towel on his arm.
She lays down on the bed - once again reading the letter addressed to her from her dad. It's a short, sweet apology - surely something he wrote when they weren't talking. It makes her heart ache and her eyes to well with tears for what seems like the hundredth time since waking up.
"What's that?" Jay asks as he sits beside her and places one of his hands on her back - soon massaging the tense muscles along her spine.
"It's uh...it's from my dad. It was in the pile of things on his desk at the cabin. It's addressed to both of us actually and there's a copy of his Last Will and Testament in here." She answers and his eyes squint as he tries to read what she has over her shoulder as he leans forward some. Then she's sitting up and crossing her legs under her. His hand remains on her back and his chin comes to rest of her shoulder as they read over it together.
"He left me the ranch?" He questions and she nods her head with a sniffle. His face scrunches in confusion and concern - wondering why his boss would do that when he had a daughter to hand the ranch down to. He reads over the document again before he looks at his girlfriend sitting beside him.
"Yeah, he did babe." She's giving him another one of those sad smiles.
"But why?" He asks and she flips through the pages in her hand before reaching the last one and handing it to him.
"Maybe this will answer that for you." She murmurs with a kiss to his cheek.
"Did you read it?" He inquires and she looks at him for another minute, her eyebrows furrowing and her lips forming a pout.
She shakes her head. "It's not mine to read Jay, it's addressed to you."
With that his gaze falls to the folded piece of paper in his hand. But the first few words he reads don't register in his head - they don't resonate at all so he stops and looks back at her. She reaches up with one hand and cups his cheek - his eyes close with the contact as he tries to reign in his feelings. He doesn't even realize tears have begun to fall down his face until he feels her thumb gently sweep both of his cheeks. Then she's leaning in to place a kiss to his eyelids and when she pulls back he opens them to look at her once more before attempting to read the letter again.
The house they saw just a couple hours ago comes to both of their minds and they realize that the decision to move there or stay here on the ranch just became that much harder.
