DISCLAIMER:
Important stuff— you should know of it;
This story is for fun, not profit.
You guessed it; I don't own Stargate.
Please, MGM, don't litigate!

Yes…my disclaimer is a poem, cos that's just the kind of mood I'm in. Stargate: Atlantis and its characters are the intellectual property of MGM/UA and associates (although Shadow and a few of the international extras in this story are mine). I have not received compensation from any source, in any form, for the creation of this story. It's purely for entertainment and enjoyment. (Note: no poets, aliens or international extras were harmed in the creation of this disclaimer.)

RATING – This story carries a content rating of T

SPOILERS – Nothing specific, but everything up to the end of Season 2 is fair game.

A/N – Don't ask me what I'm smokin' cos I won't tell yoooouuu…! –mad laughter- Okay, okay…seriously, I just woke up in a really good mood this morning and I don't know why, though I'm certainly not going to question it. You can blame the weirdness of the first scene in this chapter on my current state of mind, okay? Excellent. Now that's settled, I want to extend an enormous thank you to all the good folks who've left me those awesome replies. To the person who commented that the story seems to be about Shadow: well, it kind of is, to be honest. These things have a way of evolving like that. Anyway, never fear. I actually do know where I'm going with this thing. -nod-

Translations for anything in Czech are at the end of the chapter.

Look at me! I have no beta! (Yes, that does mean all mistakes are mine.)


The Song Of Silent Rivers

16. Voices

"Well, it's about time you showed up!"

Rodney McKay's strident voice was the first thing that greeted Radek when he stepped through the door of the lab. Radek was tired and irritable from having spent most of the night in a chair, and he was in no mood for Rodney's usual puerile invective. All that interested him at the moment was getting to work. He needed to keep his mind directed on something productive and his restless hands usefully occupied. He spared only the briefest of glances for the Canadian scientist as he crossed the lab to gather up his computer and his tools.

"Sorry," Radek said. "I didn't mean to be late."

"Late?" Rodney said. "You're way beyond late, Zelenka. You know, we've got a schedule. How do you think we'd manage to maintain any kind of efficiency around here if people just showed up whenever they felt like it? If that was how it worked, some people probably wouldn't bother to get moving before lunch. Anyway, now that you're here, I can tell you that Major Lorne wants somebody to have a look at 'Jumper Two. He says he thinks there's a problem with the inertial dampeners."

"Okay," Radek said.

"Okay?" Rodney echoed. "That's it?"

"Should there be something else? Okay, I will go and look at Major Lorne's 'jumper," Radek said. "You need elaborate answers today?"

"Obviously somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Radek could feel the muscles in his jaw contracting almost involuntarily. He did not have the patience to deal with Rodney's stupid comments right now. "If you must know," he said, "I did not sleep in my bed."

"Oh, really?" Rodney seemed unduly intrigued.

"Yes, Rodney. Really."

"Huh. So much for my working theory, then. I would've thought sleeping in somebody else's bed would put you in a better mood than this. I mean, I was under the impression that a really good—"

"Rodney."

"So, if you didn't sleep in your own bed, where were you? No, wait…don't tell me. I can probably guess. It's only the worst-kept secret in Atlantis, anyway."

"Rodney!"

"Hey, don't get me wrong. I mean, it takes a lot of nerve to aim that high. I think It's great that you finally decided to get over all those ethical hang-ups of yours and finally do something. To be honest, I prefer the tall, blond, intellectual type myself, but everybody's got unique tastes, right? Oh, and don't worry. I won't mention to anybody that you and—"

"Rodney!"

"What?" Rodney said.

"Please, just for a change, pay attention to what I'm saying. I did not sleep with anyone, especially not the person you are thinking of. The worst-kept secret in Atlantis is big, overfed rumour. Now, stop talking to me, please. You're making my head hurt."

Rodney stared at him with an incredulous expression on his face. "Stop talking? Zelenka, are you telling me to shut up?"

"Yes. Yes, Rodney. Zavři hubu a zastavit mluvení! Why is this so difficult for you to understand?"

"I'm not sure," Rodney said. "You don't suppose it could be because I don't comprehend one damn word of Czech, do you? Look, if you're not here to work—"

"I am here to work. I…I don't feel like having conversation right now," Radek said. "Really, you do make my head hurt this morning. If silence is too much to ask for, then please…just try not to speak so loudly."

Rodney was completely silent for a full ninety seconds, during which time Radek tried to pretend the Canadian wasn't watching him as he assembled his tools in their padded case. Radek decided Rodney had a penetrating stare. He could sense Rodney's gaze on him, and he had the uncomfortable feeling the Canadian wanted to read his mind. That notion made him grimace. If Rodney actually could read Radek's mind, he might not like what he found in there. At the moment, Radek couldn't say he enjoyed the scenery in his head very much, either. A tour of his brain might be, as Colonel Sheppard would say, a 'bad trip'.

Memories and nightmares and prophecies all jumbled together in his head made Radek wish his brain were a machine that he could manipulate. Disable the applications that were extraneous to necessary functioning; essential systems only. The first thing he'd render inoperative would be the worry program. That one used up a lot of energy. Maybe he'd temporarily shut down most of the emotional software. It seemed to be getting in the way more and more, lately, even when he was asleep. It was like a virus, creeping inexorably through everything, tainting all the beautiful, symmetrical science, tilting his logic and reasoning at an unfamiliar and precarious angle. The new perspective scared him. He wasn't sure if he liked it.

Radek shook his head, distracted and disturbed by the turn his own imagination had taken. Of course he couldn't get rid of any of the stuff in his brain, no matter how much he wanted to…and right now he desperately wanted to. He wanted to stop thinking about home, about his family, about Shadow and Elizabeth. Especially Elizabeth, his inner voice pleaded. Think about anything, anyone other than Elizabeth.

Last night in the Infirmary, he had come very close to telling Elizabeth how he felt about her. They'd sat in silence until Shadow had fallen asleep. Then, Elizabeth had begun to speak to him, softly in Czech, while she held his hand. Her Czech was accented. She stumbled over the grammar sometimes, inserted an English word here and there, but that didn't matter to Radek. He was grateful beyond words for her effort.

The sound of another human voice speaking his native language opened up a floodgate in his heart. All at once he'd longed for home, yet hadn't wanted to move from the spot where he'd been sitting. Elizabeth's small, cool hand caressing his fingers was uniquely hers, yet it had made him think of Dušana's hand, Jirina's hand, his mother's. He tried to say 'thank you'. He yearned to say 'I love you'.

What he'd ended up saying was, "Já potřeba až k dopravit až k má domov." Whispered it, because he'd been afraid his voice would crack if he spoke louder. I want to go home.

And so, in the wee hours of the morning, Elizabeth had taken him to his quarters. It wasn't home, not really. They both knew it, but neither of them mentioned it.

Just inside the closed door, away from anyone who could see, Elizabeth had hugged him. She'd never done that before, never touched him any more intimately than to hold his hand. The contact surprised him a little, because he hadn't expected it. He'd returned the embrace, and had found himself once again on the precipice of confessing…everything.

When they'd stepped away from each other, Elizabeth had said good night to him Then, she'd gone away, leaving him to await the dawn and battle the emotional tempest in his head. Eventually, he'd fallen asleep sitting in his chair with Colonel Sheppard's copy of 'War and Peace' open on his lap.

"Hey! Uh…Radek? Hellooooo…?"

The rapid, repeated snapping of Rodney's fingers and the jarring sound of the Canadian's voice brought Radek back to the present. He blinked. "Rodney, is that really necessary? I am right here."

"Yeah, maybe your body's right here, but who knows what planet your brain was on," Rodney said. "I mean, seriously, it looked like the lights were on but nobody was home. Get it together already. Major Lorne's 'jumper—"

"I know. The inertial dampeners."

"What's the matter with you this morning? I mean, seriously?"

"I…I am tired, Rodney. That's all. I think I told you that already."

"No, you didn't."

"Well, I am telling you now," Radek said. He couldn't keep the impatience out of his voice, but realized he didn't care. He took one final look inside his tool box before closing and latching the cover. "Okay, I go to look at Major Lorne's 'jumper. Do not call me unless there is real emergency, not some random task you would rather not do yourself. Do you understand?"

"Oh, perfectly," said Rodney. "Shall I call ahead and warn all the Marines to stay out of your way?"

It took a supreme effort on Radek's part not to yell four languages' worth of expletives at Rodney before he left the lab. He decided somebody should have congratulated him for exercising enough restraint only to speak Czech when he told his Canadian counterpart exactly where to go and what to do with himself when he got there.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"You know, in some galaxies you can get fired for sleeping on the job."

Elizabeth opened her eyes to the sight of John Sheppard leaning casually against the frame of her office door. He was grinning at her, looking entertained. She realized she'd been on the verge of dozing off, with her elbows propped on her desk and her chin resting in her hands. Embarrassed by the idea of how that must have looked, she quickly sat straighter in her chair and lowered her hands to her lap. She cleared her throat.

"John," she said. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Maybe I should be asking you that," John teased. "I could bring you a pillow."

"No, that won't be necessary," she said.

Without being invited, John strolled into the office and casually flopped into one of the chairs in front of Elizabeth's desk. He hooked one arm over the chair back, and studied Elizabeth candidly.

"Long night?" he inquired.

"I didn't sleep very well. I had a lot on my mind."

"Oh? Anything you want to talk about?"

Elizabeth considered John's words. No, she decided, she did not want to discuss her thoughts with John Sheppard. The last thing in two galaxies she wanted John to know was that she couldn't stop thinking about Radek. She didn't even want to mention Radek's name in John's presence. That would provoke the Atlantis rumour mill into exponentially greater production in no time. The stories about her and Radek were healthy enough already. She didn't want to feed the nasty chin-wagging beasts.

God, but last night had been difficult. There'd been a thousand things Elizabeth had wanted to tell Radek as they'd sat together in the quiet, darkened Infirmary, but she hadn't been able to get past the impropriety of most of what she'd wanted to say. She couldn't have said 'I want to take care of you' or 'I wish things could be different'. Certainly, 'I love you' hadn't even been an option.

And so, she'd held his hand and talked quietly to him in her less-than-eloquent Czech. She'd wanted to comfort him, but when she'd looked into his eyes she was afraid she'd done the opposite. When he whispered to her that all he wanted was to go home, she'd felt as though her heart might shatter in a million pieces. She'd tried to say she was sorry, but the words wouldn't come, not in any language.

She hated that the bottom line was always the same. She was the leader and she couldn't allow herself to get involved with the people under her command. It was awful, unfair. She'd never doubted she could handle the responsibility of leadership, but now she was beginning to understand what people meant when they said it was lonely at the top.

Coming to the realization John was still sitting there expectantly, waiting for her to answer him, she said, "No. No, I don't think there's anything I want to discuss."

"Well, it's a standing offer, if you ever do want to talk," John said.

"Thank you, John. I appreciate that," she said, and smiled at him because she truly did appreciate his kindness and his friendship. John was like a brother to her, a best friend, and she couldn't imagine not having him around to steady her at times like this. "Now, was there something you needed?"

"What? Oh…yeah. I just came by to let you know that I'm taking Teyla to the mainland. I'll probably be gone for the rest of the day, but I'll see you at supper tonight."

"All right," Elizabeth said.

"You know how to reach me if you need me."

"Right. Yes, I do."

"Lorne's in charge until I get back. Well, not in charge, but you know what I mean."

Elizabeth smiled again. "Yes, I know what you mean."

"Good. So…uh…I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then. I guess I'll see you tonight." He rose from the chair and headed for the door.

"Goodbye, John," Elizabeth said. "Be safe."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Radek's satisfaction at having told Rodney off lasted until he was by himself in the 'jumper bay. Alone, the redress for his gratification was guilt. Yes, he was tired. Yes, he was worried and conflicted, and yes, Rodney McKay had managed to fray his last nerve. Even so, he'd had no real excuse to have been so shamefully unpleasant to Rodney. The Canadian hadn't acted any differently than he usually did. Radek could normally take Rodney's nonsense with more equanimity than he'd done. Radek wasn't a bad-tempered person by nature. He hated that he was in such a testy mood this morning, yet he felt helpless to control it. Perhaps it was a good thing he was on his own just now. The rest of Atlantis would be relatively safe.

He supposed he ought to apologize to Rodney. He wondered if it was possible to tell his friend he was sorry without making himself feel like an idiot in the process. At that, he found himself giving his head a shake. It probably didn't matter, because if he tried to apologize, Rodney would surely manage to belittle him somehow and make him feel foolish anyway. Maybe the best plan would be to forget the exchange had even happened.

Radek did his best to concentrate solely on the problem with Jumper Two. He didn't want to think about Rodney any more. He wanted to clear his mind of everything except what he was doing. Unfortunately, when he stopped thinking about Rodney, he thought of Elizabeth again. When he actively tried to banish images of Elizabeth, he thought about Shadow.

He'd gone back to the Infirmary after breakfast to see Shadow. He'd been completely horrified to discover how much more ill she'd become in only the few hours he'd been away from her. He hadn't wanted to believe Carson's warning about Shadow's lack of ability to fight off the virus she'd contracted. It was just a cold, wasn't it? Everyone caught it at one time or another, he was sure, but he'd never seen anyone get so weak, so quickly, just from a cold.

When Radek had asked Carson about it, the doctor insisted it wasn't anything more sinister than the common virus half the personnel in Atlantis had been experiencing for the past couple of weeks. Radek knew better than to question Carson's expertise, but looking at Shadow lying huddled in her bed, he couldn't help but have some doubts.

He'd stayed as long as he could, and promised to come back as soon as possible. He hadn't wanted to leave her, but he'd needed to get to work.

Radek wondered if his parents had felt this way about him and Milena. He could not recall his mother staying with him for long periods of time, nor could he really remember his mother taking care of him when he'd been sick as a child. It was Dušana he remembered sitting with him for hours, reading to him, bringing him soup and juice and tea. He called to mind an image of his cousin sitting beside him, singing him to sleep.

Inexplicably, he found he could recreate the picture with Shadow in his place and himself in Dušana's, and it seemed...right. Carson's words of the night before echoed in his mind. Has anyone ever told you that you'd make an excellent parent? No one ever had told him that, in fact, but then he'd never expressed any desire to become a parent before. It scared him a little that he was thinking about it now.

He was barely aware of his own voice quietly singing one of Dušana's lullabies as he worked on Major Lorne's 'jumper.

"Hey, Doc. Does it help when you sing to them?"

Radek nearly jumped at the sound of another voice. He'd thought he was alone in the 'jumper bay. When he turned from what he'd been doing, he saw John Sheppard leaning through Jumper Two's open hatchway. "Colonel Sheppard! I…I didn't hear you coming. Is there problem?"

"No. There's no problem," the colonel said. "I'm just waiting for Teyla. I'm taking her over to the mainland. I saw the hatch open here, and I thought I heard somebody. I figured I'd see what was going on."

"I am working."

"Yeah, I can see that," the colonel climbed into the 'jumper and settled himself on one of the bench seats. "So, what's up?"

"Up?" Radek echoed.

"You know…up," said Sheppard. "What's happening? How are things in your world?"

"Things are complicated," Radek said. "In my world, things are very complicated."

"How's your little friend from P4X-382?"

"My 'little friend' has a name, Colonel. She is Shadow," Radek said. He was taken aback by the defensiveness he heard in his own voice.

"Sorry," said the colonel. "Shadow. How's she doing?"

"Not well. She's very sick and Dr. Beckett thinks she will get much worse."

"So, what're you doing here? Why aren't you with her?"

Radek carefully put down the tool he'd been using. He found a place on the 'jumper's other bench seat, across from Sheppard. He said, "What makes you say I should be with her?"

The colonel's gaze was unwavering. "Do you think you shouldn't?"

"No, no…I think I should, but I have work, and—"

"Look," Sheppard said. "It's none of my business, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. Forgive me if you think I'm out of line, but I think you've got to decide what's really important."

"But, I don't know—"

"Of course you know. I'm not telling you what to do, Doc. You're smart enough to figure out what's right. Listen to that little inner voice," Sheppard said. He reached across the intervening space and clapped Radek on the shoulder. "Gotta go. Duty calls."

With that, John Sheppard exited the 'jumper and left Radek alone with his thoughts once again.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Shadow was certain she was going to die. Perhaps it wouldn't be during this day, but it would be soon. Her grandmother had died after battling a fever for many days, and Shadow was afraid she would join the Ancestors in the same way.

Time passed slowly in the strange white room. River Man had come to see her, but he hadn't stayed. Shadow had cried, and pleaded with her hands for him to remain with her. She sensed that he wanted to, but perhaps his duties required him to be elsewhere. The Leader did not return, and Shadow wondered why. The Leader had been very vigilant in the night.

The Healer was the only one who remained. Shadow was overwhelmed with guilt for having doubted him. She hadn't been convinced he would take care of her, yet he did so in spite of her disbelief. The Healer was a wise and good person. He reminded Shadow very strongly of her father, who had also been a gentle and caring man.

Sometimes, the fever made Shadow feel confused, and she imagined the Healer really was her father. She wanted him to hold her, then, and stroke her hair. She wanted him to take away the pain, make her head and chest stop hurting, help her sleep.

Father, she wanted to say. Father, please help me.

She'd known how to say those words once. She could remember forming them with her lips and tongue, being able to feel each syllable vibrate in her throat. Her memory of the sound of the words was indistinct, like something from a half-forgotten dream. When had she been able to speak? It had been many seasons ago, before the illness had taken away her ability to hear, but she could not recall exactly how many seasons had passed since then. Fifteen seasons now, perhaps sixteen? She had only begun to speak when she'd lost the capacity to understand speech.

Her head hurt. She found it hard to concentrate, but she knew she had to try. If she let herself stop thinking, she would fall asleep. She was afraid that if she slept, she might not wake. She focussed all her energy on summoning her nearly-lost knowledge of spoken language. It was like a game, she told herself. She was playing a game of hide and seek with her voice. She knew it was there. All she had to do was find it.

She thought she needed to take a deep breath to help her make the words. It hurt to breathe deeply, but she tried her best. With her tongue pressed against her bottom teeth, she blew as much air as she could between her lips. She wondered if she'd made a sound.

She had her answer when the Healer looked up from the strange machine and stared directly into her eyes. His lips moved, forming words. Shadow didn't understand what he was saying, but she knew he was surprised.

Encouraged by that result, Shadow drew in another lungful of air and tried again.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Ffffff…!"

Carson looked up sharply from the data tablet in his hand and stared at Shadow. She stared back at him, her dark eyes beseeching. There was no doubt in his mind that the sibilant sound had come from her lips, and he couldn't help but be curious. He wondered if she'd done it on purpose, although he guessed it was most likely an involuntary noise.

He smiled at her. "Trying to get my attention?" he asked. "You've got it, but I expect you already knew that, didn't you? I'm going to ask Nurse Rachel to bring you some juice in few minutes. Do you remember Rachel? You're not scared of her, are you? There's a good lass."

"Aaahhh…."

Shadow vocalized a drawn-out sound that both surprised Carson and made him worry that she might be in pain. He could feel unnatural heat radiating from her skin as he rested his hand briefly on her forehead. He'd already given her something that should've helped to bring her fever down, but so far it didn't seem to be having much effect. When he'd checked her temperature a few minutes ago, he'd discovered it hadn't even gone down an entire degree since the previous time he'd checked it.

Carson was alarmed at how quickly Shadow's condition had deteriorated overnight. When Radek brought her to see Carson last night, she'd been mildly feverish and her nasal passages had only been slightly congested. Now she had a temperature Carson considered dangerously high and he could hear her wheezing when she breathed. She was beginning to become dehydrated, and he was worried that he'd soon have to administer fluids intravenously. He didn't want to imagine having to insert an IV line. Shadow hadn't proved to be particularly cooperative when it came to needles, and he expected she'd put up a fight if he came near her with another one.

Carson pressed his lips together in a frown as he studied the data tablet that contained Shadow's chart. When he'd explained to Radek about the potential problem of Shadow not having the proper immunity, he hadn't really believed it would become a reality. It seemed Shadow had next to no immunity against this virus. To Carson, the situation didn't make sense. Not yet, anyway.

Shadow shifted restlessly beneath the sheet. She made the odd vocalization again. Hearing the noise made Carson's throat tighten in sympathy.

"What are you trying to tell me, love?" Carson asked. He sat on the edge of the bed and lifted her hand in his. "I know you feel dreadful. I want to make it better, wee one. I promise you, we're all doing what we can."

Shadow's fingers closed reflexively around Carson's hand. He sighed, and wished he knew what else to do for her. He felt powerless, and utterly frustrated by his inability to help.

Carson knew he'd have to call Elizabeth, soon, and Radek as well. Somewhere along the way, Carson had started to think of Radek as Shadow's de facto guardian. That fact was going to make it harder for Carson to give him any bad news. Carson disliked being the bearer of bad news at any time, but he most especially hated giving discouraging diagnoses to parents about their children. He stroked Shadow's hand and tried to figure out what he should say when the time came.

"Excuse me, Dr. Beckett?"

Carson looked over his shoulder to see who'd addressed him, and discovered one of his fellow doctors standing a few metres away. The man's name was Itzhak Perlman. The Israeli doctor had training in epidemiology and pathology back on Earth. Here in Atlantis he divided his time between working with Dr. Biro in her pathology lab and assisting Carson with his genetic research. One thing Carson always associated with Itzhak was the man's easygoing attitude. Itzhak received constant gentle teasing from his colleagues about having the same name as a famous violinist – which had increased exponentially when they discovered their Itzhak played the violin, too – but tolerated all of it with cheerfulness and playful humour of his own.

Dr. Itzhak Perlman was not smiling now, and that alone made Carson fret.

"What is it, Dr. Perlman?" Carson said.

Itzhak pushed his fingers through his chronically out-of-control hair, making his black curls look even more wild than usual. He glanced quickly at Shadow before returning his attention to Carson. "I've been studying the blood samples from your patient."

"And?"

"Well, I've found some…anomalies."

"She is from another planet, Itzhak," Carson reminded him. "There are bound to be findings that don't correspond with Earth human norms."

"I know, but I don't think the anomalous findings I'm talking about can be attributed to evolutionary differences." Itzhak fidgeted with something in the pocket of his lab coat. "Of course, it's hard to be absolutely certain without having another sample from somebody else from her world to compare against, but I don't think God was the only one who had a hand in creating our little lady friend."

"What?" Carson felt as though somebody had knocked all the air from his lungs. He left his spot on Shadow's bed and went to where Itzhak was standing. He put his hand on the Israeli doctor's arm and turned him toward the door. "Son, I think you'd better show me what you found."

TBC
--------------------

Zavři hubu a zastavit mluvení! – Shut your mouth and stop talking!
Já potřeba až k dopravit až k má domov. – I want to return to my home.