DISCLAIMER – I don't own Stargate; it owns me. Okay, seriously… Stargate: Atlantis and its characters are the intellectual property of MGM/UA and associates (although in this story, Shadow and Dr. Perlman are mine). I have not received compensation from any source, in any form, for the writing of this story. I am doing this solely for my own personal enjoyment and the entertainment of others. If you love me, don't sue me.
RATING – This story carries a content rating of T
ARCHIVE – If you'd like to archive this story, feel free to do so. All I ask is that you would tell me about it. Thanks.
SPOILERS – Everything up to the end of Season 2 is fair game.
A/N – Oh goodness…I am so overwhelmed by all the wonderful public review replies and PMs I got for Chapter 17! I'm so glad you all liked it. I had a very difficult time writing it, and even cried a bit when I was imagining the middle scenes in the chapter. (me silly author…) Anyway, Chapter 18 is a little less raw. It's shorter and it's sort of a "bridging" chapter. It sets up some stuff for future chapters, so bear with me, here, okay? Sheppard & Co. -are- going to get back to that alien planet, I swear! Anyway, I hope you will all enjoy reading this chapter.
Just to let everyone know, I am going to visit my brother for four days (leaving Friday and returning late Monday). If you don't see me around, rest assured that I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. I've already started on Chapter 19, so with any luck I should be able to post it before I leave.
Translations for anything in Czech are at the end of the chapter, as always.
I have no beta. Any mistakes you encounter are mine.
The Song Of Silent Rivers
18. Dialogues
The sun was sinking below the horizon as John stood with Elizabeth on the balcony nearest her office and watched the sea. Elizabeth had been quiet at dinner, though John had tried to engage her in conversation several times during their meal. While they'd been eating, he'd found himself doing most of the talking. He told her about things that were happening in the Athosian settlement on the mainland, how Halling and the others would enjoy a visit from her. He'd talked about his 'jumper. He'd even made the usual jokes about having to eat MREs. Elizabeth hadn't responded to any of it, and John had been worried.
After they'd eaten, John asked Elizabeth to walk around the city with him. She'd agreed, but still hadn't said much. It was only when they'd gone to the balcony and they were finally alone that she opened up and told him what was bothering her. She'd explained what had happened with Dr. Zelenka and Shadow that day. She'd told him how Carson and one of his staff had discovered that the deaf girl was genetically engineered. She'd said she wanted his team to go back to M4X-382 to investigate. Then, she'd informed him that Dr. Zelenka wanted to come along on the mission.
John hadn't expected that. After the original mission to M4X-382, John wouldn't have been surprised if Radek Zelenka never wanted to venture through the Stargate again. The guy hadn't exactly had a good time. He'd nearly drowned. John wasn't anxious to bring him on another mission unless the Czech was really ready. He couldn't say with any certainly what Zelenka's motives were, but he thought he had a good idea what they might be. The colonel wasn't keen on having a team member who participated out of some misplaced sense of obligation
"Elizabeth, are you sure this is a good idea?" John said.
"No," said Elizabeth. She placed her hands on the railing and gazed out to sea. She sighed. "No, John, I'm not sure it's a good idea at all. Part of me says it's a big mistake to let him go on a mission when he's so emotionally involved in the situation, and another part of me just can't deny him the opportunity go. I don't know what to do."
John looked at the dark water. He didn't want to meet Elizabeth's eyes, because he didn't know how she'd react to what he was about to say. He inhaled a deep breath. "Are you leaving this decision up to me because you are too emotionally involved in the situation?"
"Do you think I'm too emotionally involved?"
"Look, it's none of my business, but you and Dr. Zelenka…" He stopped in mid-sentence and ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, let's just say I've noticed how the two of you…uh…relate to each other."
"Dr. Zelenka and I are just friends. Colleagues," said Elizabeth. "You know I can't—"
"I know," John said. "Just because you can't, there's nothing stopping you from wanting to, is there? I mean, a hell of a lot can go on in a person's head that'd never happen in a million years in real life. I should know, because there's a hell of a lot going on in my head right now. Anyway, all I'm saying is that I think your feelings might be clouding your judgment, just a little."
"Maybe."
"And maybe his feelings are clouding his judgment, too. Different feelings, maybe, different reasons for wanting to go. I don't like questioning people's motives, but—"
"You're saying you won't take him with you?"
"I never said that," John said.
"If you could have seen him this afternoon…" Elizabeth began. She brought her open hand down hard on the railing, and John saw her wince from the contact and bite her lip. "Damn it, John! Sometimes I hate having all this responsibility."
"I know," John said. "But like it or not, you've got it. Responsibility is what leadership is about, but I guess I don't need to tell you that, do I?"
"No," Elizabeth said. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. "John, I'm sorry. I—"
"Hey," John said quietly. He placed his hand over hers. "Look at me. I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I'm not trying to be a hard-ass about this. You know that, right?"
Elizabeth nodded. "I know. You're just trying to make me be objective. You're trying to make me understand my responsibility is to everyone in Atlantis and that I have to make my decisions based on some kind of rational thinking process. Of course, you're right."
"It's really important to you that we bring Dr. Zelenka along with us on this mission, isn't it?"
"It's important to him."
"Okay," John said. He removed his hand from hers and turned away from the railing.
"Where are you going?"
John looked back at Elizabeth. "I'm going to talk to Dr. Zelenka," he said. "You should come inside."
"No. I think I'd like to watch the ocean for a while."
"All right," John said. On an impulse, he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Do me a favour, okay? Don't stay out too long. It gets really cold out here at night."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Radek was watching Shadow sleep. He doubted if she even realized he was here, keeping watch over her through a pseudo-glass window that separated her isolated room from the rest of the Infirmary, but it didn't matter. He was here for himself as much as for Shadow. He needed to see her, needed to reassure himself she was still alive. Radek realized how tenuous his hope was, but he needed to hang onto it anyway.
He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. It had been a long day, and he'd been doing a lot of thinking. He didn't want to think any more, but there was no way to stop his mind from working. He dwelled on the last conversation he'd had with Elizabeth, when he'd asked her to let him go offworld with Colonel Sheppard and his team. He'd seen nothing but conflict in Elizabeth's eyes, and he couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't going to let him leave Atlantis.
He felt tremendously discouraged by that thought. If he couldn't go back to the planet, there was nothing else he could do except worry and wait. Not the most productive uses of his time, but he was having trouble concentrating on anything else. He closed his eyes for a moment, and rested his forehead against the cool surface of the pseudo-glass barrier.
Shadow, please don't give up, he wanted to say. I'm here, and I'm not giving up on you.
"Hey, Doc," said a voice behind him. "I thought I might find you here."
Radek sighed tiredly at the sound of the voice. Lately, it seemed Colonel Sheppard was always sneaking up on him when he least expected. It was getting to be a habit with the man. Radek turned around to see the Air Force colonel leaning against the wall.
"Hello, Colonel Sheppard," he said.
"It's John," said the colonel. "You know, you can call me John."
"John," Radek echoed. "If I'm to call you by your name, then I suppose you must do the same with me."
"Sure."
"Is there something you wanted, Colonel…John?"
"Nice save," John said. He smiled, and Radek thought he looked amused. The expression only lasted for a moment, though, and then the colonel looked serious again. He said, "Dr. Weir tells me that you want to come with us to M4X-382 tomorrow."
"I do, yes."
"Tell me about it."
Radek turned away from John. He pressed the palm of his hand on the window, and noticed with some dismay that his fingers were shaking despite the pressure of the cool pseudo-glass against them. "Colonel, can you not see into this room? I should not have to tell you about it," he said. "I can't…I can't stay here. I cannot watch this and do nothing."
"You care a lot about that girl in there."
"She saved my life."
"And you want to help save hers, if you can."
"Yes."
"But it's more than that, isn't it?"
"It is, yes, but I would rather not talk about it just now, please. Is difficult. Forgive me, but I don't know. It is…působí bolest mne až k myslit na ono."
"I think understand what you mean," John said.
Radek doubted if the colonel really understood. He struggled with his mind to give him the English words he needed. He was so tired that all the languages he knew were getting mixed up in his head. At last he settled for, "It's hard to discuss it rationally. I hope this makes sense."
John studied him so candidly that it made Radek a little uncomfortable. He wished the colonel would look somewhere else. He didn't like being the subject of such close scrutiny, and he worried what the colonel must be thinking of him. John Sheppard was a good man, but he was also a strong man. Radek had the idea that John Sheppard valued strength, and that he wouldn't be won over by Radek's lack of that quality.
Radek wished he could be anywhere except in this room with John. He wished he were on the other side of the pseudo-glass window, where he could hold Shadow's hand and help her not to be frightened. He wanted to be near Elizabeth, too, and hear her telling him not to be frightened. He felt small and pathetic because of his fear. He hated the way it crept around his insides like a cold, ghostly fog and threatened to suffocate him if he didn't fight it.
He tried to remember the rhyme his mother had taught him when he'd been a very small boy. Monsters, monsters run away…
"Uh, look…Radek," John was saying. "I'm not that great with, you know, expressing myself either, so if you don't want to discuss it, that's all right. I'm okay with that."
Radek was unsure if he understood what John was trying to tell him. He said, "You are?"
"Yeah," John said. "To tell you the truth, all I really wanted to know was whether you thought you needed to go on the mission to make up for that…stuff that happened last time."
"No. It's not about that," Radek said. "Maybe it started out that way, but is different, now. Is not about me any more."
"Okay," John said.
"Okay?"
John smiled. "Hey, you want some free advice?"
"About what?"
"Offworld missions," John said. "I usually find it helpful to eat a decent meal and get some sleep before I go offworld. Does wonders for the body and the mind. You should give it a try."
Radek stared at him for a second. "I can go?"
"We're leaving at 0800 hours, so don't oversleep, okay? Ronon and Rodney get really cranky when somebody's late. You don't want to see Ronon in a crabby mood. Trust me," John said. He gave Radek a pat on the shoulder. "See you in the morning, Doc."
With that, the colonel turned and strode toward the door.
"Thank you," Radek said, but John Sheppard had already exited the room and didn't turn around to acknowledge hearing him.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Radek! Radek, wake up."
Radek's first conscious observation was of a male voice repeatedly saying his name. His next realization was that someone – probably the owner of the voice – had a hand on his shoulder and was shaking him gently. Radek's brain was sluggish. He couldn't imagine why another man would be so insistent that he wake up. He'd been dreaming about the army, but the voice didn't sound as though it belonged to the formidable Captain Vojacek, nor to any of his fellow soldiers.
"Běh pryč!" he mumbled. "Dovolit mne až k dřímota deset minuty."
"Radek, you can't sleep here," the voice insisted. "Come on. Open your eyes."
Slowly, Radek coaxed his heavy eyelids open. It took him a few seconds to remember where he was. This wasn't the army barracks. He wasn't at home in the Czech Republic. He wasn't even on Earth. This was a small room in the Lost City, and Radek was sitting on the floor with his back against a cool, metallic wall. Radek took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
"Kolik je hodin?" he inquired and then, seeing the puzzled look on the face in front of him, he amended. "What time is it?"
"Past your bed time, my friend," said Dr. Itzhak Perlman. "I thought Dr. Beckett told you to leave a couple of hours ago."
"He did, and Colonel Sheppard told me also."
"You're still here."
"I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"That's not the point," Itzhak said. "I talked to Colonel Sheppard, too, you know. He told me you're going offworld in the morning."
Radek wondered how many people Colonel Sheppard had talked to. Probably all of Atlantis knew he was going offworld in the morning. He sighed. "Yes," he said. "Dr. Weir believes we'll be able to find something to help Shadow if we go back to her world."
"You believe that, too, or you wouldn't have asked to go."
"Yes," Radek said.
Radek got to his feet and walked to the pseudo-glass barrier that separated them from Shadow's isolated room. He rested his palms against the smooth surface and looked through the window. Shadow lay motionless amid a terrifying nest of wires and tubes and machines. Since the last time Radek had seen her, one of the doctors had added a respirator to Shadow's collection of medical paraphernalia. The thought that Shadow could no longer breathe properly without intervention upset Radek even more than he imagined it would. He could feel his entire body trembling, and he pressed his hands more firmly against the glass to support himself.
Itzhak Perlman moved behind him. The Israeli doctor rested a hand on Radek's shoulder. "We're going to figure this out, Radek," he said.
"I hope so."
"Listen to me. You're tired, and you're not doing yourself or Shadow any good by hanging around in here, worrying. You should be in your quarters getting some proper rest."
"I was resting here."
"I don't think so," Itzhak said. "You might've been asleep, but I wouldn't exactly call it restful. When I came in, I could've sworn you were fighting a battle. It must've been quite the dream you were having."
"I dreamed about the army. Captain Vojacek, he was my commanding officer. He was like bear with thorn in his foot, and he made us all suffer with him."
"Sounds like one of my former commanders. He was called Lieutenant Baruch, and I swear some days I would rather have spent forty years wandering in the desert than one hour with that guy." Itzhak smiled. "Aren't we all lucky to serve under Colonel Sheppard, now? Mandatory military service wouldn't have been so bad with a few officers like him."
"I did not know you were a soldier, too," Radek said.
"I don't talk about it much. People think I say a lot, and maybe I do, but there are actually a lot of subjects I don't ever talk about. The military is one thing I don't have many conversations about. Most people don't get it. They don't seem to understand I didn't want to be a soldier. I didn't have a choice."
"Neither did I," Radek said. "Is difficult, when you don't believe in what you are being made to do."
"Well, nobody's making us do anything we don't believe in, now." Itzhak said. He smiled. "Come on. Let's get out of here. When was the last time you ate anything?"
Radek thought about it, and couldn't recall if he'd eaten anything at all since breakfast. He was forced to confess, "I don't know."
"Are you trying to go hypoglycaemic on me, Radek?" Itzhak said. "I don't want to be forced to admit you to the Infirmary, you know. Dr. Beckett would have my ass in a sling. I mean, he just got you out of there. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you back."
Radek peered at the Israeli doctor. "Excuse me? Carson would have your 'ass in a sling'? I don't think I know this one."
Itzhak laughed out loud at that. "Sorry, sorry... It means I'd be in a whole lot of trouble with the big boss man," he explained. "Let's go get some food. We wouldn't want to deprive ourselves of those tasty MREs, would we?"
"That is exceptionally bad joke. Crippled joke."
"I think you mean it was a 'lame' joke," Itzhak said, and grinned at him. "Maybe, but it made you want to smile, didn't it? And don't worry. I'll help you work on that English of yours."
Radek was surprised when he discovered he actually had wanted to smile at Itzhak's joke. He didn't know how he could consider smiling right now. Having something to smile about made him feel a little better, though, even if the thing happened to be a silly joke. He said, "Itzhak, you have excellent bedside manner. Has anyone told you this?"
"Bedside manner is a myth," Itzhak said. "Either you're good with people most of the time, or you're not. I happen to like people a lot, and I hate to see anyone suffering. I consider it my calling in life to make people feel better."
Radek looked into the other man's eyes. It usually took a long time for him to learn to become friends with someone, but he found himself wanting to trust this doctor he barely knew. There was something about Itzhak Perlman that invited confidence. Radek felt himself smiling for the first time that day. The last thing he'd expected was to find a new friend, but he realized now, a friend was exactly what he needed.
"If your calling is to make people feel better," Radek said, "I must say you are doing excellent job."
TBC
--------------------
Působí
bolest mne až k myslit na ono. – it hurts me even to
think about it.
Běh
pryč! – Go away!
Dovolit
mne až k dřímota deset minuty. – Let me sleep
for ten more minutes.
Kolik
je hodin? – What time is it?
