"So… are we going to talk about it?" asked Maddigan at the table during lunch. "Is nobody seriously going to talk about how Sir Phantomhive has a husband?"

"He seemed like a nice bloke, didn't he?" offered Private Danlaw. "Bit strange, but a nice bloke."

"Y'know, I feel like I should find it weirder, but I really don't?" Wallace added with a baffled look on his face. "Like, you get this impression that gay blokes are sissies, but he's not a sissy and his husband isn't a sissy. It just makes sense that someone like that would go for someone like him?"

"How many gay people have you seen?" asked Clancy with a small laugh. He was still in a small state of disbelief that his suspicions about his superior officer were true.

"Three, so far." honestly answered Private Young. "But what was all of that stuff about trying to kill each other when they first met?! The blonde one said that like it was nothing! What kind of shit have they seen? It's really kind of hard to care when he pulls that out of nowhere."

"Kinda, yeah." agreed Braumfeld, followed by the nods and utterances of agreement by the others.

"I wonder if people get married through HELLSING all the time?" questioned Gordon with a wistful sigh. "I don't know if I like the idea of being with a girl who can shoot me, though..."

"Don't do something that causes you to need shot at, then." Private Choi chuckled.

"On the bright side, we'll already have something in common." suggested Kidman, being optimistic like usual. "Imagine the talks after work, though. 'How was work, honey?' 'Not too good. I only shot three vampires.'"

"So, we're all just going to ignore that our commanding officer does it with a dude?" asked Private Henderson in disbelief. He waved his arms in the air as he spoke, invoking an even greater sense of dramatics. "He tortured me for not being completely on board with people like him!"

"Is that why you ignored him when he tried to teach you how to shoot?" asked Kidman.

"Shut up! It's about the principle! I don't hate gays. I just don't want them around me or getting all close to me when they're trying to instruct!"

"Don't you think you're making a big deal out of it? I mean, it's not like he's attracted to you. I mean, did you see his man? I'm straight, but he's pretty good looking, and you're well..." Bryce trailed off. He was trying to find just the right word, but couldn't quite think of one. Fortunately for him, his fellow-recruit Private Joseph Kidman had an idea.

"...A crusty-ass, dusty-ass, lookin' like a paranoid untrusty-ass piece of rotten shite." Joseph said surely with a confident nod. "You're just missing a tin-foil hat."

"I don't understand how all of you are just okay with this?" Carl gawked in disbelief. "So if we disagree with him, he's just gonna kick our asses and you're okay with that?"

"I mean, if he disagrees with you, he can't be that crazy, right?" suggested Clancy.

"You're in the same boat, Peterson!" Henerson pointed his finger at Clancy in an accusatory fashion. "I've seen you go into his office before. He also seems to not be so harsh on you. Isn't that weird? I do wonder what that could mean..."

"Are you implying that I'm sleeping with the commander?" scoffed Private Peterson before outright laughing. "I mean, if he were single, I wouldn't say 'no'. He's fit. So is his husband. His husband, though, could and would kick my arse, and I just find cheating to be disrespectful, y'know?"

"Yeah. You cheat one time and people never let it go." added Private Cooksey with a knowing nod. He completely missed the point of what Clancy had said, but everyone knew that they were in capable of successfully explaining it to him, so they simply let it slide.

"I'm more worried about those 'weird characters' the blonde one told us we'd meet." Braumfeld stated while doodling in his notebook. "If they're weird to him, I wonder just how weird they're gonna be."

"Yeah, what do you even expect for a place like this?" Asked Bryce. "I get that we're not the most 'normal' people… I mean, Braumfeld's always drawing armour, I used to prepare for the 'zombie' apocalypse, Wallace studies nerd shit… All of us has something. But like? What the fuck is even out there? He talked about mercenaries and child soldiers… There's some scary people, here..."

"We're all on the same side, so maybe we shouldn't worry so much?" suggested Kidman.

"Treat others the way that you wish to be treated." said Danlaw. "If we act politely, people will probably treat us the same way."

"Poofs and mercenaries…" Wallace lamented. "What else?"

"Gay mercenaries." bluntly answered Bryce.

"Yeah. There's nothing scarier to straight men." Clancy nodded with a serious expression. "Those Pink Berets will fuck you up."

"Pink Berets?" snickered Private Withers, followed by a few others.

"Yeah… I had this idea. Y'see, as a certified gay, I've noticed that straight men sometimes have a strange tendency to be afraid of us." Private Peterson calmly explained. "Statistically, most people are straight, and a lot of military people are men, so what's one of the scariest ways you can terrorise an enemy platoon? Send in the pink berets. They're a special ops group made up of entirely gay men. They're especially vicious, too, because they're also fighting to defend their boyfriends."

"That's fucked up." laughed Private Choi. "It's great, but what the hell?"

"Think Sir Phantomhive is a pink beret?" asked Danlaw.

Taking a sip of his tea, Private Peterson answered: "Him and his husband both, I imagine." Pausing to think for a moment, he added: "Did it seem like Sir yelled a lot less to you guys?"

"Now that you mention it, you might be right..." Bryce pondered. "He also seemed kind of… jokey?"

"Yeah. While his husband was teaching me, he swatted his ponytail as he walked by." Solomon recalled. "They were flirting."

"I can't fucking believe it..." Wallace shook. "Sir Phantomhive… flirting with a man, of all people..."

"Just 'cause you don't know how, doesn't mean that the Sir can't flirt with his man." Bryce scoffed. "I mean, look at him! We all knew that he had some game, right?"

"Not with blokes! Nobody thought he would be getting it on with blokes!"

"He literally used the word 'he' when referring to his husband when he brought us those cookies." Pointed out Clancy while shaking his head. "I've suspected him for a while, guys..."

"You have a tuned gaydar, though. Us amateurs can't compete." said Bryce.

All the other man could answer him with was a shrug, as it was blatantly apparent to him. How anyone could miss it when the Phantomhive outright told them was absolutely beyond his comprehension. Still, he was relieved to see that his compatriots were taking it well. There weren't many jokes about Ciel's masculinity or lack thereof. Over the course of the boot camp, Ciel had earned their trust an admiration. What he did behind closed doors was none of their business or concern. He was good at his job and a knower of many things.

Ciel was the soldier that they all aspired to be in one way or another. Some wanted his presence while some wanted his power. Some wanted his confidence and some wanted to embody everything about him. His swagger, his bearing, and everything he seemed to stand for. Thus, all of them wished to become the best at what they did that they could. His steely glare and his uncanny ability to always know what to do was impressive, but it was also an illusion. That was the "professional" Ciel Phantomhive, but not the person that he was in his everyday life.

When at home, he was a simple man who loved his husband and maintained his household to the best of his ability. After the day had ended, he returned to his house and sat in one of the chairs in the front room of the master suite, reading a newspaper while trying to ignore his spouse carrying on elsewhere in the room. Alois had been trying multiple classes in order to see how he could best pass the time in his husband's absence, and jokingly suggested that he try yoga. It started as a joke, but after attending a class, he went to a second one, and even started doing it at home.

"Does that actually do anything?" the bluenette finally questioned, unable to ignore his spouse any longer. Alois hummed for a moment as he twisted himself in a knot.

"The stretching feels pretty good, actually." he answered, somehow miraculously maintaining his balance on the purple yoga mat he had purchased. "The 'mysticism' and 'spirituality' or whatever the basic white girls in my class keep going on about is kind of bullshit, though. Honestly? I could do without it."

"Is that why you occasionally come home smelling like incense?"

"Unfortunately." the blonde stated while changing positions with a grunt. "They also chant. It's really annoying."

"Then why even go?" his husband asked with an arch of his brow. "It seems like a pain."

"I like getting out of the house every so often. As huge as this place is, if I stay here for days on end, I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. So, going for the sake of going is actually part of it."

"Valid point." Pausing, Ciel wanted to inquire something that he was somewhat hesitant to. "Do you… wear stuff like that to class?" he asked, indicating to the other man's black yoga pants and purple tank top.

Shrugging, the menace looked down an examined himself. "Nope." he said. "I don't like showing off this much skin and butt in public."

"Are you doing it here because..?"

"Let me live, Ciel. Let me live. Can't a guy bask in the lustful gaze of his spouse for a bit?"

"I'm not."

"Ciel, just because I turn around, doesn't mean I can't tell."

"So in other words, you're doing it all on purpose." chuckled the bluenette. "Are those… women's pants?"

"The ones for men were ugly." Alois bluntly stated before patting his rear. "Besides, are you seriously suggesting that you don't appreciate this?"

"I do. I'm into it. I'm just not going to make a move if you're just going to make fun of me." the bluenette stated, turning his attention back to his newspaper without the actual intention of reading it.

He knew full well that the menace wouldn't be able to sit quietly on this. As if exactly on cue, the menace stopped posing and walked over to the other Phantomhive while putting his arms around him. The predictability of the gesture caused an unavoidable smile to grace Ciel's face.

"I'm not making fun of you. I'm trying to get your attention! We've both had our own shit going on lately and haven't been able to make much time for each other."

"Oh? Is that so?"

"You're just wanting me to spell it out, aren't you?" questioned Alois, earning a chuckle and a smug smile from his beau. He couldn't help but let out a laugh himself when the other man reached up without looking away from his paper and patted him on the rear in a silly fashion.

"I simply don't know what you mean, Jim."

"I'm horny."

"Pfft!" Ciel accidentally spat on his paper while trying to hold in his reaction, but it was simply impossible.

"Has hanging out with a bunch of nerds who haven't the foggiest idea as to what boobs even look like affected your libido?"

"No, it's just tiredness." the bluenette answered honestly. "That and you haven't really seemed up for it, either. Bad timing, I guess?" Pausing, he allowed the rest of what Alois had said and made a face. "Wait, you've seen breasts before?"

"I have no idea how to even explain that other than 'I was a piece of shit in my youth.'" Alois opened his mouth as if to continue talking, only to stop himself prematurely. "Huh..."

"What is it?"

"I wasn't even phased at the time. Nothing. Might be because it was Hannah, but I've been kind of wondering about that. Do I even find women attractive? Not that it even matters, I mean. But still."

"You've brought that up before, haven't you?" Ciel recalled. "I honestly don't know. Do you notice girls in the same way you notice men?"

"Is that really something you should be asking your husband?"

"You know what I mean. I don't expect you to never think anybody else looks good. As long as I look the best."

"I don't know. I've never really thought about it because it's not an option. You are the best, after all." After a moment to think, Alois added somewhat sheepishly: "What about you?"

"I'd be lying if I said that women don't look nice." stated the Watchdog with a light nod before turning to face his beau. Staring the other man right in the eyes, he added: "But, no one has ever lit my fire like you. I still don't think after all of these years, you fully understand what exactly you do to me."

"I have a bit of an idea." coyly replied the menace. With a cat-like smile, he traced his fingertips along his husband's jawline as he spoke. "Maybe you could… refresh my memory, though?"

"Very well, then." Ciel answered with a haughty smirk, earning a giggle from his beau. "I'll make sure you don't forget again."

It was actually far too early to be turning in already, but this is how things turned out for the Phantomhives. Alas, the lads at the boot camp were not so lucky. They were still putting together finishing touches on their uniforms and kits so that they could hopefully survive inspections the next day. At that very moment, the lads were actually in a rather serious pickle, as the heater had shut off and none of them could figure out how to get it to turn back on. While a few of them like Ryan Braumfeld and Solomon Danlaw tried to fix that problem, the rest tried to pick up the slack while wearing their coats.

"...So, I was talking to the bird behind the counter at GameGo about the new Seraphim game and I thought I'd offer to let her come over and play it sometime." Gordon Cooksey was in the middle of explaining to Private Choi. "Now, every time I go in, one of the blokes who works there tells her to go into the back and takes over until I leave! Last time I checked, she was still single, so what's with these guys? How do I ask her out now?"

"Okay, Gordon? Gordon, I'm going to tell you something, and you're not going to like it, but it is a truth that you must accept." Jason began, taking a deep breath. "The way you ask out a woman at work is simple: You don't. Don't ever do that. Women hate that. Think about it: She's forced into a situation where she can't outright say no or be rude without getting fired. The reason those guys are taking over for her when you come in is probably because you took advantage of that system and creeped her out. Just let it go, man. It's not going to work out."

"You don't know that." Private Cooksey protested. "It could work! We really seemed to hit it off!"

"That's because she's required to be nice to you. You're kind of interpreting a situation to be what you want it to be instead of what it actually is, mate. You're probably not the only guy to ask her out int that shift. You're not special. You just invited a stranger who isn't in a position to say 'no' to your house and I kinda doubt you weren't hoping something might happen to advance the imaginary relationship you've built up in your head. It's creepy. You creeped her out and she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Sir Ciel Phantomhive wouldn't do this." Bryce said while chiming in. It was sort of an inside joke amoung the group for reasons that one had to be there to understand.

"That's because she wasn't a bloke, innit?" Gordon shot back.

"He'd probably be able to pull if off, if he tried." Suggested Kidman. "I always sort of imagined him as this kind of 'charming aristocrat' type who's super gentlemanly."

"Right. 'Hello, m'lady! What a lovely afternoon it is!'" Wallace said, imitating his mental image while pretending to tip his beret.

"No, no, he'd probably be like:" Bryce stomped his feet while standing at attention. "'You will go on a date with me and together, we will have a lovely time! Am I understood?'"

"No, he actually seemed pretty playful with his husband." said Clancy. "Maybe he's totally the opposite? Like, fun to be around?"

"Aw, sick!" jokingly wretched Private Withers with a disgusted look on his face.

"You mean he's whipped?" asked Gordon.

"No, I mean like, he has fun with his husband and enjoys his company?" Private Peterson attempted to clarify, but Gordon still seemed confused.

"If you want to have fun, you go out with your mates. Why would you hang out with your… partner for that?"

"This is why you are single, Gordon." stated Jason very bluntly, looking the other man directly in the eyes. "If you don't enjoy hanging out with the person you're seeing, why would you want to live with them? You'll have to be around them all the time! Girls know this and don't want a guy who doesn't understand how relationships work."

"I thought it's just physical stuff, isn't it?" Private Cooksey questioned. "Like holding hands and shagging and all that. Maybe watch movies sometimes?"

"Cooks, my girlfriends have all been on dating sims and even I think that's sad." Braumfeld chimed in.

"Oh yeah, what do you think is an ideal relationship, then?" challenged Gordon. He folded his arms with a rather smug expression as if he had caught Ryan Braumfeld in some kind of trap, but the other man only shrugged and continued twisting knobs on the heater.

"Someone I can spend time with and talk to would be nice. Maybe play games with, she could help me in the shop…" he said before finally giving the side of the device a good hit on the side with his fist. "'Course we'd shag and hold hands and stuff, but I wanna go on dates and have a good time, too."

"That'd be nice…" Wallace sighed wistfully while shining his boots. "Like, when you'd come home after having a shitty day, you could talk about it and have someone to help you feel better." As Ryan stood up and kicked the heater, Private Young added: "And who you could cuddle with if the heater isn't working..."

"I'm not cuddling with any of you." Gordon insisted automatically.

"I dunno…" Bryce said, sucking air through his teeth. "Wallace has a lot of insulation, so he'd probably be pretty warm. It's not gay if the alternative is freezing to death."

"At long last, I have become popular." Wallace jested with a laugh.

"Sir Ciel Phantomhive would cuddle with you." Added Kidman, causing the other man to cough, despite his cackling.

"He'd probably strangle me."

"Sir Ciel Phantomhive wouldn't freeze to death." added Bryce. "He would keep warm with his rage."

"His raging boner for blokes, maybe." scoffed Carl, causing everyone in the room to grimace at the thought.

"I do not need to think about that." shuddered Cooksey. "We've met the man he's fucking!"

That caused another slew of groaning, grimacing, and melodramatics as the men desperately tried to reject any kind of mental image their minds might have tried to jump to. Meanwhile, Private Clancy Peterson laughed at their pain. They were somewhat obligated to do this, however, as they didn't want to be perceived as gay, themselves, but it was also somewhat unnerving to imagine their commanding officer, whom they respect and perceive as a wise guardian-like figure who takes good care of them, making love to the rather nice bloke who taught them how to shoot. It isn't at all unusual to not wish to acknowledge or imagine that one's teachers indulge in carnal urges, so the crew naturally revolted from the idea.

At the end of the day, they learned a lot more than they thought they would, but they still had even more knowledge to obtain. With the basics of shooting down, however, they were all a bit closer to their goal of becoming full-fledged HELLSING operatives. May God have mercy on them as they try.


A/N: This probably should have been longer, but I just couldn't manage. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow. Fortunately, I've pumped out ten pages in a day before, so I'm not too worried. Now, if my teacher said 20, though? THEN I would be concerned...

This chapter is a very strange combination of "No homo" and "all the homo". Get it, Jim.

I really don't have anything else to say here, so I think I'll just leave...

Until the next chapter, my duckies~!