One thing that Samantha Carter is thankful of in this whole situation is that Teal'c is the only one who really notices what its doing to her.

No, that's not true. They all notice something. Not the least of which is Lee, stupidly catching the brunt of her helpless, anxious fury. They notice. They just don't know what's wrong with her, this time.

Oh, they speculate and suspect, nurses whispering to each other quietly about her when she leaves the infirmary even before her check-up is finished by the faceless personnel. Samantha couldn't care less. They don't know shit.

She's angry and tired and frustrated. But mostly, she's hurting. He's been gone for weeks already, and there's nothing she seems to be able to do about it. And it's killing her.

She's cried only one other time, besides when Teal'c found her in the locker room.

She curses herself for being weak; weak and needy and just not fucking smart enough to figure this out yet. She curses Maybourne for this, because if it wasn't for him, she wouldn't be such a broken mess just now. They all knew the sneaky bastard had something up his sleeve, they just didn't figure out what soon enough. She curses herself for that too.

But mostly, she's angry at him, and not because he went after Maybourne into that ominously glowing doorway. Samantha's replayed that scenario in her head countless times, and in each one Jack Oneill disappears into the light. She's angry at him because of who he is.

Despite the obvious differences in their career choices, Jack Oneill really isn't all that different from Harry Maybourne. This idea has somehow stolen into her mind and hid there ever since that Tollan incident. Even though they all knew now that Jack never stole technology from their allies and was on their side all along, they had doubted him. Even if it was for just one moment.

Because the part Jack Oneill played, he played a little too well. The words came out a little too naturally. The sentiment a little too sincere.

They aren't the same, not that close. Jack is simpler, more straight forward. He doesn't wear the cloak and dagger well. And he would sacrifice everything for something he believes in. Sometimes that's the problem.

It was a risk to believe in Harry, but Jack did. Despite his (warranted) suspicions, Jack thought there might be something valuable to Earth on that damn planet. So he risked it. And look where it got him.

Samantha knows where it got her. In Teal'c's awkward yet reassuring embrace in a deserted locker room, crying her heart out.

The others, all others, they think she's depressed because Oneill's gone again. Because they think she cares about him. That's just a small part of it.

But she thinks that maybe Teal'c knows more than that.

It's not that he's gone, lost to them at the moment. Its that she can never hold on to him. Nothing she does can ever keep him anchored there, anchored to her. Nothing at all.

All she can do is try, and fail, and then try and cry and bleed to get him back again. And wait nervously for the next time he gets captured and tortured by the Goa'uld or poisoned or stranded or just plain lost somewhere in their infinite universe. And each time, it takes just a little more out of her.

She thinks that Teal'c might have figured this out, because while he holds her with what he hopes is comfort and reassurance, he doesn't address her as Major Carter. Major Carter has nothing to do with this. Major Carter is sad that her commanding officer and friend is missing. Major Carter is doing all she can to get him back.

Samantha is dying slowly on Teal'c's shoulder.


Feedback makes me write, thanks.

Sorry if it seems a little schizo, but its all related/connected. Glimpses into the relationship of Sam and Jack.