"How formal do I need to dress for this?" questioned the menace as he peered into the wardrobe. Meanwhile, his husband was busily tying a tie around his own neck.

"I would think that you don't have to. It's not like going to work, it's more like… Performing any other errand." Ciel suggested. "Like going to the grocery store."

"Hmmm..." hummed the blonde. He was still uncertain and didn't feel particularly confident. "I'll try business casual." he decided, reaching into the closet and pulling out a shirt.

"Whatever makes you feel most comfortable." the Watchdog said while flipping down the collar of his shirt over the tie. He then looked at the clothes that his beau was gathering in his arms. "Oh, I think you'll look rather dashing in that."

"Now I'm worried that it's too much…"

"You're in your head, again, Jim..."

"I want to make a good impression! It's bad enough that this chick will know about all my business! Anything to make me seem less crazy, y'know?"

"You're not crazy, you're mentally ill, just like the rest of us." Placing his hands on the other man's shoulders, Ciel instructed: "Breathe in." He paused as Alois did as he was told. "And out..."

The menace let out a big sigh. "I changed my mind; can you sit in the waiting room for the first few minutes before heading off to look for updates?"

"I would be happy to."

The pair pecked each others' lips before heading off to carry on getting ready to leave. After that, Alois moved rather quickly, as he was eager to just run in, get done, and leave as quickly as possible. Little did he remember, however, that he had a full hour to talk to this woman, and she was going to utilise as much of it as possible.

When the duo arrived, they sat patiently next to each other in the waiting room. Well, Alois sat as patiently as he could, bouncing his leg while holding his beau's hand. His mind was racing with all of the things he could be doing at that moment instead of this, as well as how this woman was surely going to judge him and possibly snitch on him to the higher ups or to his husband. He was uncomfortable and his posture made it clear. He wanted to run away. He wanted to go home or back to work. It was too scary to talk about this sort of thing. He was a brave man, though- as brave as they come, so he was doing his best to grit his teeth and bear with it.

Then, the door finally opened and a man walked out. He was a soldier, and a grizzled one, too. He had a scar on his face and his arms were covered in tattoos. He smiled cheerfully, however, as he turned around and shook the doctor's hand, thanking her for her time. Then, he left, leaving just the woman with her clipboard.

"Jim?" she called out, making a quick scan of the empty waiting room before landing on the duo.

"Go ahead." Ciel urged in a hushed, gentle tone. "I'll be right here when you get back."

Reluctantly, Alois forced himself to stand. Then he forced himself to walk forward and to reach the smiling woman's room. Cheerfully, she held out a hand to shake his.

"Hello, Jim. I'm Doctor Tarabotti. How are you, today?" she asked.

"Could be better..." the blonde couldn't help but let out, but the woman seemed unfased.

"The first appointment is always the worst one, but we'll get you comfortable in time. Come in, come in! Let's talk about things."

As he was ushered into the room, Alois looked back over his shoulder at the bluenette for moral support and in return, he got a reassuring smile and a wave before the door closed behind him. Luckily, the woman seemed nice enough, and was perhaps the first person with "Doctor" before their name at the base that he didn't see in a labcoat. Instead, she wore a tasteful, maroon turtleneck, black slacks, and a gold locket around her neck. Strangely, she was also the only doctor he saw to wear high heels as well. Black, curly hair framed her face and fell over her shoulders in a somewhat glamorous fashion as she looked at the menace with luminous, brown piertersite eyes. She was gorgeous and definitely not what Alois was expecting. The image in his head was of some judgemental "new-age" type who would spout some unrelated mumbo-jumbo and tell him to leave. Doctor Tarabotti smiled at him warmly as she spoke to him. Her voice was strangely disarming. It was very calm and smooth, but had enough life in it that it was obviously friendly.

"Don't be shy! Have a seat." she kindly instructed, prompting the menace to sit on the couch in the room while she sat in an armchair, crossing one leg over the other. She didn't seem concerned in the slightest that she was dealing with a demon and that was okay with Jim. "So...What seems to be the problem?"

"Doctor, we only have an hour, not a week." the menace stated, unable to keep himself from responding with sass. He did realise what he was doing, however, and remembered that he promised his husband to give things a genuine shot. Doctor Tarabotti, however, laughed, taking his statement as a jest.

"We'll cover all of it over the course of several meetings, don't worry. Your husband says that you're a very busy man, though, so I hope you can make time for little ol' me!"

"I mean, yeah…" Alois relented. "I have to make sure everyone in Gehenna and Pyestock is taken care of. They're counting on me, so I have to make sure I deliver."

"Really? What all does your job entail?"

"Uh… I design the economic systems and propose the baseline laws of the land, which I then add onto as problems present themselves- with the input of the town council, of course. I don't want to lead them. I just need to make sure that everything is running smoothly."

"Whoa, that's a lot… At your age, I was flunking out of a biology degree!"

Bashfully, the menace rubbed the back of his neck. "I actually had to quit school so I could focus on work..."

"You seem dedicated, though. You're very successful, too…. Do you like your job, though?" questioned the doctor.

"I love it!" Alois immediately answered without a moment of hesitation. "It's stressful sometimes, though… Sometimes, it can really get under my skin in a bad way… I don't have an 'official' diagnosis or anything, but Ciel and the other doctors say I have PTSD..."

"Yes, I did read that you have a diagnosis, here." Doctor Tarabotti said with an understanding nod. "You know what a 'trigger' is, yes?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you're here today?"

"Yes..."

"Understood." the woman said before jotting a note down on her clipboard. "What parts of your work are the most stressful? Are there any particular areas that you find yourself struggling with?"

"No… It's just… Keeping up with it all. I dunno why it does what it does to me… It's not even close to what happened… It's just that… I dunno… I always want to have my hands in everything all the time, but even if I try to do that, things still go wrong and people still get hurt."

"How does it feel when people get hurt?"

"Bad, obviously..." Suddenly, Alois was starting to have second thoughts again. "They got hurt because of me. I don't want them to get hurt at all, but I really don't want to be the cause of it!"

"How do you cause them to get hurt?"

"Because it's my job to make sure that the city is secure and that everyone is taken care of!" The blonde was doing his best to contain his growing annoyance, but he wasn't being entirely successful. "I promised them I would, so I can't let them down. Besides, innocent people shouldn't be hurt by some unrelated asshole's nonsense. They didn't do anything to deserve that, so it's not fair for them to be punished for it!"

"You've said a lot of very interesting things, there..." Doctor Tarabotti pointed out, resting her elbows on the arms of her chair. "Let's start with your 'promise.' Are promises really important to you?"

"I don't mind lying to bad guys, but I don't personally like being lied to." Alois stated. "I've been lied to before by somebody I depended on big time, and I died over it. These people need me, so I'm not just going to lie to their faces and blow them off."

"Would you say that you have a strong sense of justice?"

"Not really… Well… Maybe? I don't mind breaking laws to do my job, but I do mind people acting hurting people for no reason other than they're power-hungry or just plain sadistic."

"Is there ever a good reason to hurt someone?" questioned the doctor, only to receive an extremely frank and easy answer.

"Yeah. The world has no use for monsters. People who tear people down to make themselves feel big and strong are disgusting, but there's a few types that should just straight up be offed. Rich fucks who steal money from the poor even though they have more than they could ever spend, people kill for fun, or torture for fun… Rapists of all sorts can drop dead tomorrow and I'll be dancing in the streets. I don't care if it's your brother, your father, or your son… They gave up their humanity and their right to live when they became a monster. They chose that. Nobody forced it on them."

Yet, the doctor hardly seemed phased. Instead, she kept swiftly taking notes as fast as she could, hanging on to the menace's every word. "You do have a strong sense of justice." she said. "It might not be a comfortable one for most people, but you know what you believe will make the world a better place and you try your best to improve upon the world that exists…"

She did not comment on his contempt for the lives of those he deemed as "evil." She did not scold him. She did not challenge him. She merely tried her best to understand him.

"Do you hate them?" she asked.

That made Alois pause. "I don't know." he said. "I don't think so. At the same time, though… Yeah, I dunno… They piss me off. Mostly, I think it's just… contempt. Their lives have no value. All they do is hurt people and destroy lives. They have contempt for others, so why should I care about them, y'know? They deserve it. They don't see people as people, so why should I afford them the courtesy? I don't like torturing them or anything. I've tried, but it didn't do anything. That's why just getting rid of them is the best option."

Blinking, he uttered a sigh. "I understand I must sound crazy… I need to 'give peace a chance' and 'be the bigger man,' but they just don't learn. They won't ever learn. They don't want to learn. The power is too addictive… You won't believe the kinda shit that people are capable of..."

Looking up, the woman seemed to ponder for a moment, evaluating the situation carefully before speaking. "Mister Phantomhive, forgive me, but I've looked through your records and your husband has given me some additional information… Am I correct in assuming that you have some personal experience with this type of person that goes beyond your professional life?"

"I mean, you can probably see it from space, so..." Alois replied, trailing off with a shrug. "It doesn't have a lot to do with work, though. I wasn't responsible for anybody but me in there. Then again, maybe that's why I'm so overwhelmed..."

"You have a lot on your mind… It's unsurprising that you feel overwhelmed..." The doctor began. "How do you think people will respond if something bad happens?"

"I dunno…" Alois sighed, turning his head so that he wasn't looking directly at the woman. "I always think that they'll start to hate me or something? I really don't want to disappoint them… They're really nice to me..."

Doctor Tarabotti took a moment to jot something down. "Why is it so important? Either way, you will keep your authority and everything will be stable. Is there a reason why you must have their approval?"

"I… I don't really care about the 'authority' bit… I just… I dunno… I just want them to keep liking me. It's really kind of self-centered to say, I think, but it looks like they sorta look up to me? I'm not really anybody who should be looked up to, but I do my best. It's a lot of work, but it feels good when it works, but it hasn't always been going right, lately..."

"Do they hate you now?"

"What?" Alois asked, looking up at the woman, only for her to repeat her question.

"Do they hate you, even though things haven't been going right?" the doctor inquired, tilting her head without a hint of ill-will or bias.

"Well… No… I don't think so…" admitted the menace.

"Do you believe that they should?"

There was a moment of hesitation as the menace looked away again. "Yes." he said.

"And why is that?" Doctor Tarabotti inquired.

Sighing, the blond answered: "They seem to look up to me like… I don't want to say a 'hero,' because that sounds arrogant, but they put my symbol on everything! I'm not a good enough person to deserve all that. I'm… awful. They don't know the kind of shit I did… They don't really know anything about me… I'd like to keep it that way, but… It feels wrong..."

Shifting so her crossed legs were swapped, the woman asked: "Why are you not a good person? Isn't your current actions enough?"

"It won't undo the shit I've already done." Alois said. "It won't help the people I already failed to help."

"Who?"

"The others."

"The supernaturals?"

"No."

"The other children?"

There was a moment of pause before Alois replied. "Yes." he stated. "They don't know about the stuff I did back then… I… I know most of it wasn't my fault- I know. Some of it doesn't feel that way, though..."

"Why is that?"

The man let out a slightly nervous laugh. "How much time do we have left?"

"We've only spent about five minutes of the hour."

"Maybe I should just start at the beginning..."

His stress could be felt outside of the office by his spouse, who had kept up his promise to stay for a few minutes while the blonde was in with the doctor. Ciel still waited for the full fifteen minutes he promised to his beau and even neglected to eavesdrop despite wanting to desperately. Alois was telling the same story that everyone closest to him knew, but this time, with greater detail. He was concerned that it was a lot to unload on the therapist, but she insisted that he carried on as much as he was comfortable with. It wasn't a lot, but he revealed a few details that he hadn't already to his husband, which was a massive improvement. As he talked about the state of living conditions at the Trancy estate, he became distracted mid-sentence as he sensed the other Phantomhive leaving. There was a moment where his heart-rate increased as he became more stressed, but a quick glance at his watch revealed why it was happening. He didn't like it, but knew that they had agreed to these terms. It was hard talking about all of this stuff, and now he had lost his moral support, making it harder.

Alois had to explain things on his own in his own words for the very first time and it was scary. It was hard to look at the woman sometimes and it made him nervous when she wrote things down. He didn't want anyone to think he was crazy and worried somewhat that he might lose his job. If that happened, he simply didn't know what he would do. It hurt, though. It hurt to bring things that had been buried back up to the surface. Surely he must be some sort of unhinged loon, having gone through all of that and think the way he does- thinking the things that he thinks.

He spoke of dolls and livestock along with horrors that hardly scratched the surface of horrors he had seen. If the beatings did not kill the boys in the basement, the infections that seeped into their wounds did. If even that didn't kill them, the other boys might, as food was scarce and the fights that broke out over scraps were bloody and brutal. It was always a matter of life or death and the smaller, weaker lads didn't always last very long. Sometimes the chill from being down in the basement would get them, but boys who were ill often vanished, before the sickness began to spread to the others. Alois knew all of that from just the short time he was there. He got the privilege of living upstairs, and it only cost him his soul. There were many complicated feelings in that vein.

Being praised for being "resourceful" was sick, as it praised him for being violated. In addition, it put down the ones who could not do the same for any number of reasons. It wasn't genius, it was luck. It was all luck. Alois did what he could to help his own odds, but he knew that one misstep could end it all in an instant. He was proud of his resilience and tenacity, but was he any moreso than the others who held on as long as they did? Was he any more clever than those who fought daily for food? He didn't think so, but he thought he was cruel. He may as well have been an older, bigger kid, savagely beating a smaller one for scraps. That's what he believes he did, but only in a much more roundabout way.

It was easy to accept the questionable things his husband had done in his past, as Alois knew that he was not any better. His wounds were a lot fresher, though, so kind words and reassurance could only go so far for him. He knew how ugly he could be. He knew how cruel he could be. He never wanted to be that desperate again and he never wanted to do the things that he did ever again. Putting innocent people down was not something that he wanted to do, but no matter how many he saved, it still wouldn't be enough to make the guilt go away. This was especially true, if he continued to fail.

He was glad Ciel went off to go check on the mission's status. He would not fail again. But he was alone, yet, he was not alone at all. Ciel supported him even if he could not see or sense him, yet he was very much alone in that he was under the watchful eye of this stranger who as picking apart at his most sensitive parts. It was hard coming up with words for things he had never spoken of before. It was hard to describe feelings that were so messy and contradicting, but he gave it an earnest effort, despite not getting into the real nitty-gritty in that session.

Jim Phantomhive held up his end of the bargain, just as Ciel held up his own. The Watchdog found out what he could and made suggestions where he thought to. Instead of spending all of his time at the Intelligence Department, he also made his way over to the Media Management Department, feeling as though they might have something of interest that had yet to be reported.

"If you were an edgy teen who was down to cause some supernatural mayhem, where do you think you'd go?" he asked Revy as he leaned on the edge of the younger Macken's desk.

"I don't know whether to feel flattered you're asking me for help, or insulted that you'd ask me that..." Revy replied. "I dunno. Parties of the 'preps' who shunned me, satanic rituals… There's an active 'vampire' subculture in London, but they're humans who hold some spiritual or philosophical beliefs relating to the idea of vampires, not actual supernaturals."

"Could be useful. Do you know if they're throwing any parties around New Years?" Ciel questioned, raising a brow. He wasn't surprised at the information, nor was he particularly interested in dwelling on it. All he needed to know was whether or not it was a potential target.

"Maybe. Why not ask Intel?"

"Because you're deeper into the online paranormal sphere."

"Alright." nodded the revenant. "Lemme look around and I'll tell you what I find. I'll pass it on to Intel, too."

"Thank you. Intel has already interviewed Gehennans and found a few defectors. Fortunately, some of them are stupid enough to use social media recently, so we might be able to match things up, even if it's vague."

"Why not just snatch them up, if you know where they are?"

"Because they might tell us where the rest of them are hiding." the Watchdog said. "If we start picking them off too quickly, they might get spooked and change plans. Some of them might get scared enough to stay off Twitter and we want to keep that resource."

Patting the young man's shoulder, he told him to keep up the good work before passing on some of Revy's theories to the Intelligence Department. It added on information that they didn't already know. Since finding those social media accounts, they tracked down where the owners go, or went to school. From there, they found likely friends and created a sort of assumed "social circle," and then followed every single person they could in that group with dummy accounts in order to monitor them. If one of them posted about a party, HELLSING would know.

But that didn't account for all of the sensible defectors who remained quiet. Sure, they might be in the same group assigned to a party as the fools, but it was entirely likely that they would be missed. It also didn't account for the influx of attacks already happening nightly. The only patterns were that could be seen was that bus stops were a popular target and so were subways, bars, clubs, and other places where people might otherwise be vulnerable. That was a given, however. Even entire groups who had gone out drinking had disappeared. Men were likely targets, as they tended to be more alright with the prospect of walking alone at night than women, but women were certainly not safe either. They were merely building numbers. It was canon fodder. They hoped to overwhelm with numbers so that their forces with actual training can do more damage. The department had tracked some of them using the GPS on their phones and had deployed agents from the investigations division to stake out the locations. All of this was able to happen quickly with several departments working together and because HELLSING is always working around the clock in case of an emergency.

While the demons didn't have anything to do at the moment apart from working on repairing Gehenna and helping to get the town back to full operations, Ciel still had information to give his spouse when he returned from his appointment. Receiving those updates didn't take long, so Ciel was back in his seat in the waiting room before his husband was finished. It was a while, but eventually, the door opened, and Alois stepped through. He shook hands with the doctor and Doctor Tarabotti walked over to the front desk to arrange his next appointment for him. His husband stood up to greet him, but wasn't entirely sure how, given the odd expression on Alois' face. The menace was feeling a lot.

"How did it go?" questioned the bluenette.

"It was fine." Alois said tiredly. "I got a few things off my chest, but I'm nowhere near done."

"Do you feel any better?"

"I feel… exhausted. I just want to sit and stare into space for a bit." the menace said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I can still drive, though. I just won't be very talkative."

"That's fine. Do you think this will be helpful?"

"Maybe. I'm gonna have another appointment next week to find out. Hopefully, I'll still have a job by then." Alois closed his eyes as the other man kissed his cheek.

"Sorry for asking so many questions. I'm proud of you." Ciel said.

"You're worried. I don't blame you. But I don't know if you should be 'proud.'" the menace said before turning to walk out the door, pausing to wait on the other Phantomhive to join him at his side. "We have sort of the same goal, even though we're in different places. I think admitting that you've done wrong aloud might just be the first step in becoming a sort of okay person."

"It's also one of the hardest." the bluenette said. "It's still a climb, but you'll get there, eventually."

"Hopefully. I'm dreading what comes next… We hadn't even talked about the nasty stuff, yet..."

"Do you want to do like today with me waiting outside?"

"...If you don't mind."

"I don't." Ciel stated, placing a hand on his beau's shoulder opposite to him, prompting the other man to reach up and place a hand over it as he was escorted down the hall. "Terrible person to terrible person: it's going to be okay."

"Does it ever get any easier?" the blonde inquired. "Knowing you did some shit and having to deal with that?"

"It does, although it's a bit rough sometimes. I still have my regrets. There are things I can't take back. I must be better than the monster I was." Looking to his husband, Ciel added: "I wish to be a man who can support and protect the ones I love. Although things are difficult now, the future appears to be much brighter than I once thought it was. I now have faith in it."

"I'm not sure if any amount of service can make me feel less guilty..." Alois confessed. "I thought it could, but I think I might have been wrong..."

"I'm afraid that I don't have an answer to that..."

"You don't have to. I've just got a lot on my mind right now." the menace sighed. "You don't have to try and fix it."

Blinking, the other Phantomhive raised his brows before chuckling somewhat bashfully. "I will do my best to give you space."

"You're so fussy..."

"It is a side of myself that I'm still adjusting to. I've only discovered it in the past few years… I think finding positive outlets is something that is beneficial, so long as it doesn't become an obsession."

"Didn't you just confess to being fussy?"

"I'm an imperfect being." As they descended the steps to where they parked their car, being careful not to slip on any ice, the bluenette made another suggestion. "How about we go home, I'll make you some hot cocoa, and you can curl up and stare into space all you like..."

"Sounds wonderful."

After that, they spoke primarily through their actions for a while. Alois was a little more talkative later on, but he didn't talk about the therapist or his problems. Instead, he talked about work, asking his beau for the updates that he asked the man to seek out. Astonishingly, he made if through several hours without asking. All the while, Ciel was still working. They had mere days before New Year's, and neither of them were particularly optimistic. At this point, the best Ciel could come up with was to bulk up security at important government locations and especially the palace. Abhartach was bound to get a good number of underlings and there was little that anyone could do about it. Everyone was trying their best, however. They weren't going to give up just yet. Even if they couldn't save everyone, they would save as many as they could. They hadn't lost the war yet, but this battle may not be theirs.


A/N: This chapter is way shorter than I wanted it to be... I wanted to post something today, though, so it's my own fault. I'm not sure if I like how this turned out...

Right now, I'm connecting dots between now and the next plot point, so thinsg might be a bit weird for a while. I hope you can find it within your hearts to forgive me.

Until the next chapter, my duckies~!