There was no way for Ciel to tell just how much time had passed. He couldn't remember when the sound of dirt being piled on the coffin he found himself trapped in ceased. Truthfully, it all felt like a nightmare. He couldn't tell if he was awake or dreaming for any of it. He was afraid. What if that bullet really did strike his heart instead of missing it and this was just some dying dream? Is this how he would reach his end? Still burdened by the deaths of his parents?
The next thing he could recognise was him being pulled out of the ground and the sound of muffled voices. There were hands on his face, prompting his body to shove them away as he faded back out again. Ciel went completely limp in his saviour's grasp as another wave of disorienting fear hit him.
When he opened his eyes next, he was staring up at the ceiling in his mostly dimly lit bedroom. Sunlight lazily peeked through the gap between the window curtains, marking a thin white line across the floor. Everything was quiet and clean. Blinking, he reached up to touch his face. There wasn't a trace of dirt on it. Furthermore, he noticed that he was now wearing short sleeves. The clothes he was wearing were gone. Someone had changed them and cleaned him up. He didn't like that he couldn't remember doing it himself and he didn't like that he didn't remember going to bed. Yet, he didn't really want to leave it. Leaving would mean that he needed to actually seek out answers and he needed a bit more time to regain his bearings a bit.
Then, however, the door to the front room opened, prompting him to put his efforts on hold. Then, he heard a voice. "No, he hasn't woken up yet, I don't think." Alois said.
Not wanting to talk, the bluenette closed his eyes again before the menace ducked his head into the bedroom door. Seeing the Watchdog, he was sure he was right. "Yeah, he's still out." the menace reiterated, prompting his husband to eavesdrop some more. "Honestly, I don't know what to do. Miranda said that there was nothing physically wrong with him, and I don't sense anything, so I don't know exactly what's going on."
Pausing, the menace sighed. "You should've seen him, Liz… He was so out of it. Like, his eyes were open, but he wasn't awake… His breathing was all over the place when we pulled him out and he looked like hell… I think… I think he was crying… God..."
Ciel couldn't hear anything for a little bit, making him assume that Alois was listening to Dame Hellsing on the other end of a phone. "Yeah…" the blonde said sadly. "I figured… I hope he's okay- I mean, I know he's not going to be. I know he's probably going to be having a hard time when he wakes up, but… You know what I mean..."
Another pause. "No, we couldn't find him. Johnathan and his people ran off into the trees when I found them at the scene. We got the graves reburied, but we couldn't find the previous Earl's jawbone, just like Ciel said. We think Johnathan took it. God knows why… He's a freak… Like, an actual freak. The guy tried to shoot up his fucking school when he died! And his disciplinary record is only a bit lower on the 'freak' scale… I'm gonna destroy him if I ever get my hands on him..."
"Right, the mission..." the blonde continued, pacing back and forth. "We got all of our targets… What's the damage? …Oh… Well… That's… I really don't know what to say to that, honestly… Abhartach's boosted his numbers for sure, then. We've got thirteen days until the next full moon… No, I don't know…"
The bluenette felt that he should stop pretending to be asleep, but he wanted to eavesdrop some more. More than anything, however, he didn't want to get up. He felt nauseous and was still rather exhausted. If he got up, he would have to deal with all of the lives that were lost during the night and the fact that Abhartach's army had grown. Worse, he would have to deal with Johnathan and his father. Oh, his father… It was bad enough that the deceased Phantomhive's grave was defaced, but Ciel also needed to return the pieces that were missing. That was not going to be an easy task, as no one knew where Johnathan Beattie was. There was no way of tracking him, either. At least, not one that Ciel could think of in his current state. That wasn't the most catastrophic thing, however. Worst of all, Johnathan not only had the genetic information of Vincent Phantomhive, he also had Caesar Merritt and his cloning capabilities. Not only did Ciel have to retrieve what had been stolen from his father, he may have to destroy a copy of his body. Ciel knew what Johnathan was trying to do. He was going to try and make Ciel kill his own father. Truly, his cruelty knew no bounds.
The duo had looked into Johnathan when he first went AWOL. They looked into his past school records before his death and found an unusual papertrail. The shooting that Johnathan orchestrated and that ultimately was the death of him was not the only bout of dangerous behaviour he had participated in. His fascination with weaponry was well documented and unsurprising, given what his own father did for a living. What was unusual was just how many times he threatened his fellow students with violence, even in primary school. There was even a police report where he was accused of stalking! It was never substantiated, but now, the Phantomhives certainly believed it. Johnathan Beattie was dangerous and now he was armed with the tools that could very well break Sir Ciel Phantomhive. Only one man had ever soundly defeated the Watchdog in the past. He didn't want two. He didn't want to fight this fight at all, and it immobilised him, binding him to his bed as he lamented that his foe was attempting to drag him back into the darkness that he had fought so long and hard to escape from.
"You've already put the buffer period plan into effect, right?" Alois continued in the other room. "Good… That will get rid of most of the problem. There's still the attack itself to worry about, though."
There was a pause. "I don't know if he'll be good to fight with us. I don't want to force him… Yes, I know we need all hands on deck, but- Lizzie, you can't just ignore trauma… Yeah… Yeah… I'll call you when he wakes up and tell you how he's doing. I don't know what's going to happen, but we'll make something work… Yeah, I'm still game… Yeah… Okay, bye-bye."
With that, the menace finally hung up. With a sigh, he placed his phone in his pocket and resisted the urge to sit down on one of the inviting front room couches. Before he could sit down for a minute, he needed to check on his husband. So, he peeked his head into the bedroom again before finally stepping inside. Alois walked up to the side of the bed and looked down at his beau. Noticing that the blanket was now somewhat "off," he reached down and retucked his husband in, pulling the covers back up to his upper chest and straightening them. There was a moment where he paused to observe his husband's face. Reaching up to tuck a lock of blonde hair behind his ear, Alois bent down to give the other man's forehead a light peck. When he pulled away, he raised his brows. His husband's eyes were open and truthfully, Ciel was expecting a bout of playful "scolding" for pretending to be asleep, but instead, the menace uttered a long, loud sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Oh, thank God, you're awake..." was the first thing out of the blonde's mouth. "I didn't know what I was going to do if you didn't..."
"I didn't want to wake up." Ciel answered, his voice groggy. "Thanks for taking care of me. Did you sleep at all?"
"No. I've been too worried… You nearly scared me half to death, you know…"
"I'm sorry."
"No- no, it's not your fault… I didn't mean it like that." Alois' shoulders slouched a bit as he regained his composure. Reaching over to his spouse, he gently moved locks of blueish-black hair out of his face. "How are you feeling?"
"Physically? Just fine. Emotionally? I'm not sure yet… I'm just… tired, mostly… I don't want to do anything at all- even though I know I need to do something… I need to do something quickly..."
"Do you feel like telling me what happened?"
"Yeah… I think so..." Ciel said. Sitting up, he rested his elbows on his knees with his arms still hidden beneath the blankets. "I found Johnathan… Digging up my parents' graves… He stole- he stole my father's jawbone… Then he said that Ceasar Merritt is with him… That's why I need to get it back immediately. If I don't, he'll make a copy of him..."
"Shit..." the menace replied, mostly as an exclamation rather than actual input. "Well… What do you wanna do? Do you want to get started?"
"Not really, no… I know I need to. I know that if I don't, it will be so much harder later on. Every minute he's out there is another minute where my father's remains are not at rest, where they should be. If Johnathan succeeds, I have no doubt whatsoever that he will force me to destroy an exact biological copy of my father… I know it won't be real. I know it will be a copy, but… I really don't like the idea of him walking around… He needs to stay right where he's supposed to be and not ever be dug back up."
"Okay… We've already started working on the- the big-ass shovel thing that they left behind, so we are tracking him. We'll come up with a plan of action later. Right now, you should just rest a bit, alright?"
Ciel didn't answer his beau. Instead, he looked past him in complete silence, still dwelling on things. Finally, he was able to look away from the spot on the wall that he was fixated on and blink. Heavily, he sighed.
"I don't want to do this anymore..." the Watchdog said. "I'm so tired… He says that he wants to make me hate him. He wants me to hate him so I'll fight him and give him the closure that he wants, but… Even though I'm angry, I know I should probably be furious. I'm not, though. Mostly, I'm just mad and annoyed. I'm mad about my parents' graves, I'm mad about my father's remains being stolen. Phantomhive honour and all that, you know?"
"Right, right..." Alois nodded along, listening intently.
"I'm annoyed at having to deal with Johnathan." the bluenette continued. "I've spent a hundred years actually trying to be enraged at anything and everything. I realised a long time ago that I can't live like that anymore, though. It's impossible to keep up. That's why the past should stay buried." Shaking his head, he offered up a weak laugh. "He's literally dug it back up though and is trying to taunt me with it. I know I should be furious. I should be enraged beyond all rational thought and I should pursue him to the ends of the earth, but… He's just a nuisance, really. He's like a child, lashing out because he's just realised that the world isn't fair for the first time. Maybe that's one thing we had in common at some point… But Johnathan? I don't even think this is about revenge at all. I think he's just got nothing to do, like always. I've just given him someone to blame. It's a game to him. I'm just an apathetic second player who would rather play anything else."
There was a moment where the blonde hesitated before his spoke. He wanted to get this right and he didn't want to harm his beloved any further. "You sound depressed." he said. "But, in a way… I think it's almost a good thing that you don't want to play his games. You've moved on. He's late to the party."
"True." the other man answered with a weak chuckle. "Had he been around a decade or so ago, I would have loved nothing more than to destroy him. I just have other things that are more important, now. Maybe that's why he has to try so hard to provoke me. I remember him not liking my 'there will be nothing left but ash' speech."
"The ash has blown away and things have started to grow in its place, by now."
"Oh? That's a good one."
"Thanks. But seriously, I- Are you okay?" inquired the blonde again.
"Am I going to be okay? Probably. I'll heal. I'm… Not in a great spot right now, though, no..." the Watchdog confessed, pulling his knees in closer so that he could rest his chin on them. "Honestly, it sort of feels like I'm running and hiding."
"You're not..."
"I am. I don't want to deal with it. I just want it to solve itself, but I know I have to fix it. I have to make sure it's all back in it's proper place again. Both my father, and his place in my personal history…" There was a pause. "Sorry, there's more I want to say, but I'm still not too terribly good at articulating it…"
"I think it is for most people, really." Alois nodded. "Just say what you need to say. It doesn't have to be the most poetic of prose or… whatever. I'll listen and try my best to understand."
"Well, there's no real chance of a smooth transition, I suppose. It isn't something one typically discusses in polite company." Taking a deep breath, Ciel's already small smile faded even further. His expression lacked its usual sterness, and was simply… "sad." That's the only way his husband could describe it. There was a sadness that was seemed into every expression and every gesture. Perhaps "tiredness" would suffice, but the Watchdog still seemed somber.
"I had a panic attack." Ciel confessed. "It's been a really, really long time since I've had one… I think I fainted, too… It's sort of embarrassing, really. You had to wash me and change my clothes for me, didn't you?"
"You actually helped a little, but I didn't think you were actually awake. There's no shame in it."
"I know… But still… I was helpless. I was completely helpless. It's a wonder that you managed to find me, really. I couldn't even yell. I completely lost my ability to think, or speak, or do anything, really." He meant to continue, but he paused as the burn of stomach acid seemed to rise up into his throat.
"Are you alright?" questioned his beau. "You've gone pale… Well, paler than usual."
"I'm fine." Ciel was not fine. He looked ill. "I'm just under a lot of stress, is all. I don't like feeling like that… I'm sort of glad I fainted, really. It stopped me from feeling that for much longer."
"Panic attacks are painful..."
"I hadn't had one in a while, so there was a moment where I sort of thought I might be dying. The PTSD was hitting me really hard. The flashbacks were really strong. They weren't images, but... feelings. It's really embarrassing and I have no idea why I did it, but- I- uh..."
"Take your time." his husband cooed. It wasn't in a patronising way. It was one that was distinctly soothing as he tucked Ciel's hair behind his ears.
"I… I actually wanted to call out to them for help..." the bluenette stated. "It's ridiculous, right? I'm a grown man and I barely remember them. It's been almost a century and a half since I knew them, but that was my first instinct. I couldn't control it. I almost accidentally said until I remembered that they were… That they were..."
Suddenly, the rest of the colour flushed from Ciel's face as he began to sweat a bit. The memory of the bones sticking into his back flooded back to him, causing him to shake. As he tried to finish his sentence, he began to heave. At first, it was dry, but then he instinctively yanked a hand from out of the blankets to cover his mouth, prompting the blonde to stand up. Alois practically ran across the room and ran back in order to hand the Watchdog a small garbage bin for him to promptly vomit bile in.
"Ugh..." Ciel sickly groaned. His eyes watered and he hesitated to let go of the bin just in case.
"Let me get you some fresh water..." his husband offered, picking up the still full glass on the bluenette's nightstand.
"Thank you..."
"No problem, darling."
The Watchdog was relieved that the menace wasn't looking at him. Partially, it was because he did want some water, but also because he was embarrassed. He was still so vulnerable, even now, as he was freed from the grave and in the safety of his bed. That was still part of the problem, though. This room was one of the few things he remembered of his parents. Admittedly, Ciel didn't remember much about them, but what memories had lasted over the many years suddenly came flooding back to him. Even though he had not seen them in ages and even though he no longer really knew them, he knew that he was loved unconditionally by them and much to his lamentation, it seemed as though he could never escape that parental bond. He wanted to call out to them in his moment of panic. He wanted them to make him feel safe like parents do, but it was they who were the source of his distress.
There was guilt for disturbing his father's grave, yes, but there was something that was just so perverse about how that bond was corrupted by being locked in a coffin with his bones. It was disgusting. Worst of all, it scared Ciel to see his father like that. Or perhaps rather feel his bones jabbing into him while knowing that his father was dead and he was actually trapped with him. It was unnatural. It was sick. It scared him. Even after all of that, Ciel still felt rather small. It felt like if he didn't recover the jawbone, his father would be angry with him. It was like he was a small child who knew his parent's would be mad at him for doing something bad. It didn't matter that the bluenette was an adult. It didn't matter that it had been over a century. It still hurt him sometimes. Now, he was feeling it terribly.
Ciel was glad that Alois wasn't looking. That way, the menace wouldn't see the transition from sickness to pain as his face contorted with his emotions. Breathing became harder and his face felt wet. Mostly, it was around his eyes. It hurt. He missed the nothing he felt when he first woke up.
There was a moment where Alois hesitated upon seeing his spouse when he walked into the room, but he quickly recovered. If he made a big deal about it, it would only make Ciel feel worse. "Here. Sip this." he said, handing Ciel his fresh glass. He kept his hand out, though, indicating to the bin. "I'll hold that for you."
"Thank you." sniffled the Watchdog, trading with his beau. He did as he was instructed and tenatively sipped the drink while his husband tried to figure out what to do in silence.
"I'll contact Lizzie about Ceasar and tell her you're awake." the menace finally stated, taking out his phone again. "I'll text her, and leave out what she doesn't need to know."
"Alright." Ciel's voice was strained and he refused to look up at the menace. He was hiding his face as if the blonde didn't already know what was going on, but still, Alois did not call attention to it.
"Do you want to be by yourself or do you want me to stay with you?" Instead of simply offering to stay with the Watchdog and comfort him, Alois presented him with the option. As much as it hurt to see his beloved like this and as much as it terrified him to see the typically stoic Sir Ciel Phantomhive in tears, it had to be Ciel's choice. If it wasn't, it would only make the already vulnerable man feel worse.
"I- I want you to stay..." the bluenette answered. He spoke directly to the menace. There was no discussion as to whether or not Ciel would like him to, it was a direct call to action.
"Do you want me to lay down with you, or would you rather I sit next to you?"
"I want to lay down..."
Without another word, Alois pulled out his cellphone and rapidly began to type. Ciel assumed that he was updating Elizabeth on the situation at hand. Then, the menace walked over and set the phone on his own nightstand before crawling into bed. His husband met him halfway, moving closer so that he could rest his head on the blonde's chest, but stopping short as he realised that his face was wet.
"Come on." the menace said, gently guiding the Watchdog to his desired spot. He held onto the bluenette while Ciel in turn wrapped his arms around Alois, seeking him out for comfort.
"I'm sorry..."
"Nope. Don't be. If I'm allowed to cry about my problems, then so are you. That's just how it is. And as your husband, it's also my job to support you through it the best I can. If I don't get to protest about it, then neither do you."
"I'm getting your shirt wet..."
"Oh, gosh golly darn it, I guess." Giving the bluenette a light squeeze, the menace kissed the top of his head. "We'll get through it, dear. Just do what you need to do."
"It hurts..." Ciel informed between sobs. "It shouldn't hurt anymore. It usually doesn't. I can't imagine how ridiculous I must seem… I'd rather cry about something that matters..."
"It does matter. Being hurt is a good enough reason to cry and PTSD doesn't care how much time has passed. A trigger is a trigger."
"You're right… But that doesn't change how I feel… I'm trying my best..."
"I know, honey." Alois replied. "You don't like being vulnerable. I don't mind. It's okay. I'm not going to mock you or think lesser of you. I'm not going to talk badly about you to anyone else, either. This stays in this room unless you say otherwise. Alright?"
"Alright..."
The words weren't necessary. Ciel was already getting that impression from Alois' actions. He was glad that the other man didn't hesitate to find out what would help him and carry out the action instead of making a big fuss. While he was worried that he seemed weak for breaking down over a loss, he knew that Alois understood that that wasn't the case. Ciel understood Jim and Jim understood Ciel. Even in their lowest moments. Alois knew that his husband wasn't being childish. He knew that it wasn't really in the bluenette's control. After all, he had just visited a therapist for his own issues!
It didn't matter. It still felt to Ciel like he was throwing a tantrum because he was tired. He was so tired. At long last, it had felt as though he was progressing. At long last, that part of his life was over and he could focus entirely on new challenges and new pleasantries. Instead of the monster that scourged the battlefields, craving as much destruction as possible, he had become a wisened soldier and relatively upstanding citizen, despite his sometimes nefarious nature. His husband kept him on track in the latter regard.
That was exactly the problem, however. That was why Johnathan needed to do all of this. He needed to make Ciel angry. He needed to awaken the monster that he once was and have the final battle with him that he craved. The monster wasn't asleep, though. It was dead. Ciel's fury had been reduced to ash and new things were growing in its place. Positive things. Things that the Watchdog was not going to give up for hatred. There were simply other things for him to focus on and live for. He didn't want to seek out grueling battles any longer. He did not want to crush and brutalise his foes. He did not feel the craving for conflict that he once did.
He simply wasn't a monster any longer. Instead, Sir Ciel Phantomhive was a man. He found himself able to bear the burden of a human heart and welcoming all of the joy and sorrow that came with it with open arms. No longer did he want to destroy everyone and everything in sight. He wanted to rebuild his life alongside the people he loved and that was good enough for him.
Ciel was tired. He was tired of being miserable. He was tired of conflict. That is why he did not wish to entertain Johnathan Beattie's challenge. Ciel had long since found a place for his past in his life and had moved on. Indeed, he occasionally had to cope with the trauma that he had been left with, but managing it too, became just another facet of his being. The conflict of the past was old and it frustrated him that he was being pulled back in against his will. Instead of the roaring, thunderous, fury that he would have been left with in the past, his anger was a justifiable amount. He took no pleasure in being angry anymore.
That is something that monsters do. The Phantomhive knew their game. They carry on, aimlessly wandering from conflict to conflict, seeking to fill the void that they have inside of them with the only thing that allows them to feel anything. It would never be enough. Johnathan would never be satisfied. He would just move on to the next battle, just as Ciel did. He would seek destruction, just as Ciel did. He would orchestrate the destruction of himself, just as Ciel did.
No more. Ciel simply had no interest in pursuing this the way that Johnathan wanted him to. He did not want to dance to his rhythm or even entertain the possibility. His main objective was simple: Retrieve his father's remains and return them. Killing Johnathan was in fact, a sub-objective. He didn't care if he did it then and there or at another time. He knew that he would eventually for professional reasons, but otherwise, there was no further emotional investment in it. It was a truth that long ago would seem impossible. The fact of the matter was: Ciel Phantomhive had grown comfortable in his current life and did not want it interrupted by conflict. Ciel Phantomhive did not crave revenge.
A/N: This is odd... This actually isn't in my notes at all, so I need to rework a few things. I'll figure something out. This development just made sense, the way things were going.
Can you imagine reading this chapter at the beginning of the story? It would have seemed totally unbelievable! Even still, it seems a bit "wrong," but that's the point, I guess? DLTD!Ciel is just so... done with it.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if he could talk to his past self with no consequences? I think he'd be able to see himself for the kid he is, even though everybody around him is like "oh, he's so grown up!" Like, no? Just a hurt kid, is all.
I feel like I've beaten the imagery of "the fires of revenge will burn everything around you until nothing is left but ash" into the ground but that's sort of the vibe he has now. There was nothing left. He burned it all up. He was just somber and lifeless without something to fight. Now he's healing, has positive, constructive things to live for and look forward to, and he knows it's good for him and wants to keep it that way.
I think we talk about Alois' growth a lot, but that's a pretty substantial change! Like, DRASTIC. I kinda miss the angst, but y'know? I'm not going to keep him angsty for the sake of being angsty when the whole series is about becoming a better version of yourself. Maybe not the best, but happier and healthier, certainly.
But Johnathan.. FUCKING Johnathan... He's got his own nonsense going on and I really hope I get to explain it because it's really interesting (to me).
Until the next chapter, my duckies~!
