Day 6
It was like I was left at the bus stop all over again.
Left alone to cry and crumble—and pick up the pieces…only this was worse. This hurt more because he was right in front of me. He was here and I had never felt more alone.
The dread was making its way up from my toes, slowly and deliberately. It was a numbness, an emptiness, a heartbreak.
Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything else. I mean, has anything with Tommy ever really gone my way? I don't think so. It's guaranteed to happen, isn't it? That's my fate. That was what the clouds were warning me about this morning. Things with Tommy can never truly be. We're damned.
My gaze switches back and forth between the beautiful ring on Giselle's polished finger and Tommy, millions of questions forming behind my eyes.
What is this? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me?
It was every question I wanted to know and every question that I was too afraid to ask.
"Kim!" Trini jumped out of her chair, drawing the attention from everyone sitting at the table.
Up until that point, I had gone invisible to everyone except Tommy.
"…Hi," I say, quietly.
Trini comes towards me and wraps an arm around me. I know why she's doing it. She thinks that meeting Giselle is difficult for me… and it is, but she has no fucking idea.
"I saved you a seat right beside me," She says, pulling me in towards her. "How are you feeling?"
"Huh?" I ask, not even really hearing her question.
"How are you feeling? Did you stay in your room all day? Were you seasick too?"
I nod at whatever excuse she mentioned, "Yeah."
I can't exactly tell her why I hadn't been around, can I? At least not with Giselle right in front of me.
I take the empty chair beside Trini, which just so conveniently happens to be directly across from Tommy. Giselle perks up from Tommy's shoulder, the same one that I had been kissing all night long, and she extends her hand to me.
I assess her for a moment and I suddenly can't comprehend what Tommy sees in me. She is beautiful. Her green eyes look unreal against her bronzy skin. Her limbs are long and delicate, a bright friendly smile crosses her full lips. This is the type of woman you only see in the movies or on the cover of magazines.
"Hello," Giselle says, a slight Spanish accent to her voice. "It's so lovely to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you."
This can't be happening.
I take her soft hand in mine and give it a small shake. Everything inside of me is dying.
I slept with your boyfriend last night, sorry. I thought he'd dumped you by now, but here you are. This would be a lot easier if you weren't so pretty.
"You too," I say, softly.
She sits back in her chair and resumes her position on Tommy's shoulder. I can tell she's missed him. She's missed how he makes her feel. He can promise you the world and you will believe every word coming out of his mouth.
"Giselle surprised us a little while ago. She got here early," Trini added, smiling at me.
I look to her, trying to communicate how I'm feeling. I'm not okay. Doesn't she see that?
"Tri," Giselle giggles, "I finally went to La Sagrada Familia like you recommended y era maravilloso, I loved it."
Tri? My lips pressed together. She's talking to my best friend like they have known each other their whole lives.
"Didn't I tell you?" Trini laughed, "It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"I have never been to Barcelona before," Giselle gleamed, "My family is from Madrid, but I can not tell you how in love I fell." She turned to Tommy, "Amor, we have to go. I want to show you."
I'm gonna be sick.
In all of this time, Tommy hasn't spoken and I'm not sure if I'm upset about it or not. It's clear to me that seeing her was just as a surprise to him as it was to me. I get that it put him in a difficult situation that he couldn't exactly get out of, not without causing a scene.
He nods once but keeps his gaze on me, "Sure."
The next hour passed in a blink. There was a gyro that was slowly going cold in front of me and a glass of water. I don't even remember ordering this. While I would have normally loved to taste the food, the thought of eating was absolutely revolting.
Giselle seemed to fall easily in with the rest of the group, adding to a conversation with Zack and Jason, beating Rocky at who could take a shot the fastest, and giggling with Aisha about something only they knew about. She was an honorary member of the family and I could see why Tommy was drawn to her in the first place. When she laughed, her face turned up, drawing all the light to her. She was effortless. The kind of effortless you can't fake.
"You okay?" Trini whispered. "You're kind of quiet."
I open my mouth a few times but can't find the right words. No, I was not okay, and my best friend that was typically in tune with me wasn't seeing it. It was like Giselle was interfering with my signal.
"I'm still not feeling well," I look down at my untouched plate. "I think I'm just gonna go to my room."
I pushed myself out of my chair and Trini grabbed onto my hand. "Kim?"
She got my signal. Her brow lifted before looking between Tommy and me, realization falling on her soft features. "Let me walk with you."
"No," I shake my head, "It's okay. I'll be fine. I want to be alone."
I see her need to protest my request but once I give her a final look, she reluctantly agrees.
I didn't even excuse myself… in fact, I'm not sure if anyone noticed that I was gone besides Trini and Tommy because everyone was hanging off every word that Giselle was saying. They were laughing at her jokes, asking her about her travels… it was so intimate and like I was the outsider.
The walk to my room was blurred between my tears but I heard heavy footsteps in the distance and my name being echoed off the walls.
He was following me again. I made it to my room and I don't even bother trying to close the door before I turn around to face him.
"You're engaged?" The tears in my eyes bleed out. "You're engaged," I say again, not really believing my own words.
Tommy rushes behind me and closes the door.
"It's not what you think," He says, desperately, "I know what it looks like but—"
"Not what it looks like?" I say, stunned by his words. "It's a simple yes or no! It has to be one or the other."
"I know," he swallows. "I wasn't expecting this… I wasn't expecting you and me—"
My stomach is in knots as the reality begins to settle.
"You and me?"My hand goes over my mouth. "There shouldn't be a you and me when there's a you and her!"
He stays silent, watching me lose myself.
"Are you engaged to her?" My heart trembles.
He doesn't immediately reply, telling me everything I need to know. The oxygen around me suddenly disappears, leaving me straining for air.
"Yes or no," the tears fall from my eyes.
"Just please, let me explain—"
"Yes or no," I stare at him, my heart breaking as I await the answer I already know.
He looks at me with more sadness than I have ever seen in his eyes before. "Yes," he swallows.
And with his response, my world shatters. I've done something unforgivable— we did something unforgivable. It always leads back to this. Heartbreak. I know nothing different when it comes to Tommy. It's the constant in this relationship.
He's been lying to me. He's been lying to me since the beginning. She wasn't his girlfriend, she was his fiancé. She was the woman he had chosen to spend the rest of his life with.
What the hell was I thinking?
It wasn't me. It was never me. He knew where I was. He knew where to find me. He chose to leave me and chose her to be his wife.
"If you just listen—," He takes my hand and I pull away from him.
His touch hurts my soul.
"There's nothing to say," I swallow. "You were right this morning… we fucked up."
"That wasn't what I meant," his brows come together, "This doesn't change anything, Kim."
"It changes everything," I smile through my tears as I come to a realization, "We had our time, Tommy. We had our chance and we blew it. It's your time with her now."
He rushes towards me, "I know you don't mean that."
"But I do," I shrug, taking a step back from him, "You chose her, Tommy. You chose her for a reason. You could have had me but you chose her."
He shakes his head, "I didn't know you were waiting for me."
"And you never went looking for me! You moved on. You found happiness with someone else and… I don't blame you for that," I sniffle, "She's beautiful… everyone seems to love her and I… we… we had our chance."
"Had?" He questions, "Are you hearing yourself? Are you even thinking straight? Our time isn't over!"
"It is!" I yell.
He looks at me, incredulously, "I'm not married yet and even if I was—"
No. I couldn't even listen to him admit what he'd do.
"—Don't finish that sentence," I turn away from him, hot tears forming behind my eyes. "We can't. You know we can't. You made a promise to her. You made a promise to her brother," He flinches at the mention of his lost friend. "She sees a future with you… She sees a lifetime of happiness with you, full of love and laughter, she sees a family… I know she sees it… I was that girl! I could see it so vividly."
Every dream I had envisioned came to the forefront and then slowly faded away like sand in a breeze.
"Do you think she'd still see it after I tell her what happened?"
I turn around and I see his eyes are red with unshed tears. My heart drops further in my body. I don't think I've ever seen Tommy cry.
"You can't," I whisper, "You can't do that."
"What do you mean," He stares at me. "Do you want me to keep this quiet? Pretend like nothing happened between us? I can't! I won't!"
"And what good will that do?" I wipe at my tears, "It'll destroy her… and for what? You and I know there can't be a you and I."
His nostrils flare, "What the hell does that mean?"
My knees begin to tremble, pain and heartache radiating all around me. I know the words I'm about to say next are a lie. I know that the words will burn us both, but I can't see another way out. "It means we were stupid. We were careless. We didn't think with our heads and only thought with what we wanted in the moment. We let curiosity overtake us and—"
"—Curiosity?" His brows came together and I could see the hurt in his eyes, "Is that what last night was? Just an itch to scratch?"
It was so much more than that, but I couldn't let him know that.
Every emotion flicked through his face—pain, regret, realization…
"Yes," I lied, the words feeling like gravel.
He took a step back as he threw a hand through his hair and then down his face. He didn't say a word, yet I knew everything he was thinking.
"I don't believe you," He murmured, his eyes glossing over. Our broken hearts synched, beating like an untuned drum. "We talked about this… right fucking there!" He growls pointing to the unmade bed. "I felt you…"
My throat had never been so dry and my cheeks had never been so wet, "You felt a lie."
I looked down at a spot on the floor, unable to stomach seeing him like this—hurt… because of me. When I looked back up, I could see the rigidness of his body, the veins running down his arms that led to tightly clenched fists at his side. My words hurt him. They angered him. They crushed him.
His jaw ticked as he stared at me. His gaze was dark and heavy, I have never felt so small.
He opened his mouth to speak but then quickly pressed his lips together, as if to stop himself. Without another word, he turned around and flew out the door, slamming it shut behind him… and I let him go.
Author note: So I kind of wrote this in the middle of the night. Totes sorry for this chapter but… I have to do what I have to do. Don't hate me… The story isn't quite over.
