Day 8

There's just something peaceful about waking up to the birds singing their favorite morning song, something that reminds me so much of my childhood.

I smile to myself as I pull the memory from the depths, the sun warm on my skin as I groggily walk outside to watch my grandmother watering her garden on a lazy Sunday morning. I would walk outside, my toes curling on the freshly trimmed lawn, and listen as the birds woke me up.

Sitting here, on the cliff that Tommy showed me days earlier, is as close as I've gotten in years to that memory. My grandmother is now gone, my gardening days are over, and the sun burns at my skin now, but the memory that's lived quietly in the back of my head still lingers. I wonder, if when I'm old and gray and I think back on my youth if this heartache is what I'll think about first.

It's quiet out here except for the sound of the birds waking up. The perfect spot to think and reflect.

Why does the world not look as vibrant as I remembered it in my childhood? What happened in my life that has dulled the colors of the world? Is it just that I now see the world for what it's always been? The eyes of the innocent have faded.

So much has happened since I stepped off that plane eight days ago. So much lost and so much gained. After last night's events, everyone decided to go back to the hotel and secure one of the fire pits that the hotel has available. While I wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed, I didn't. I put my brave face on and joined the rest of my friends in celebrating Jason and Trini and their new engagement.

Tommy didn't speak to me at all, instead opting to keep his eyes trained on the fire between us, the flames reflecting on his eyes. We had been secretly dueling as to who would stay quiet the longest. Unfortunately for us, we are both good at playing that game. We didn't speak and I'm not sure if I'm thankful for that at all. Tommy was quiet with everyone, not only me. I didn't stay out too late though. After Jason started drunkenly rambling about how awesome married life was going to be, I decided to head to bed.

As I took the elevator to my floor, the words that I had said to Tommy echoed in my head into the middle of the night. A part of me regretted opening up to him about the truth, but the other part of me was glad that I finally said something. Keeping it inside wasn't safe for my mental health.

My knees are to my chest while my arms are hugging them. I'm staring out into the beautiful city and I remember how I felt the last time I was here.

I was scared, I was nervous, but above everything, I was hopeful that things with Tommy would be okay. We had fun that day running up this hill, racing the sun. Then we spent the afternoon on a yacht, drifting in the ocean. Then his lips hovered over mine that evening and I swore I had seen stars be born.

The days to come were unexpected.

"You really made a mess of things, Kimberly," I say to myself quietly.

Some hundred feet below me, the water crashes against the shore.

I've never wanted to be a wave in the ocean more. As when it crashes onto the shore, it gets transformed into a new wave and starts all over, with no repercussions— no expectations, no judgment. Just something new.

When I get back to Angel Grove things are going to be different. If Tommy has taught me anything it's that the next moment isn't promised to you. Those lessons that I learned the hard way as a teenager somehow faded with time. Even now I know that some of the decisions I made as a teenager were better than the decisions I've made now. Strangely enough, I had a better sense of judgment. While my emotions ran rampant, deep down I knew that there were more important things at stake.

This morning I packed my bag in silence, my eyes having no more tears left to shed. It was an easy decision to make or maybe I'd just grown numb all week that as I packed, I felt nothing—not sadness, not anger, not even relief. Just nothing.

Jason won't be happy about me leaving tonight… but Trini will understand. I didn't explain myself yesterday, I didn't want to make the night about me. I know that once we get back home I'll explain myself to her over a glass of wine or two, I'll cry tears that I've never cried before, and after some time, I'll be as close to okay as I let myself believe.

Then, in time, I'll leave Angel Grove and head somewhere new, where the fear of running into Tommy at the grocery store or the gym won't be something I ever have to worry about. With time, the pain I feel in my heart will fade and I can only hope that the memory of his taste on my tongue will also go with it.

I let out a deep exhale as the sun begins to rise behind the crisp white structures in the distance, making them shine. If there's anything that I want to remember from this trip, it's this. How beautiful this image is and how I know that I'll never see something like this again. The birds continue to chirp in my ear and I give a small smile as my face turns towards the sun.

Tomorrow I'll be in California and I will start my journey to healing.

A few feet away from me I hear steps and the ruffling of bushes. This must be the other tourists that had found this secret spot. I suppose my moment of isolation has come to an end. All that's left to do now is head back to the hotel and say goodbye.

I stay seated for a moment longer, wanting those extra ten seconds to burn the beautiful image in my brain.

When I turn my head, I don't find any tourist, I find Tommy. He's panting and sweating and very surprised to see me invading his secret spot.

I wait for Giselle to pop up behind him but no one does. He's here alone.

His gray shirt is wet with perspiration and I turn to look away quickly. I didn't want to see him today.

He says nothing as he stares at me, his chest continuing to heave. His gaze falls towards the sun rising in the distance and I know what he's thinking. He missed it. He missed the first kiss of sunlight on the buildings.

Without another word, he sits beside me and rests his arms on his knees. They're spread out wide as he stares off into the distance.

And that's how we sit. Our breathing playing in the background as we ponder every decision that's led us here.

I know he has nothing to say to me. Last night was a disaster and I'm not really sure what I thought I was going to get out of telling him how I felt, but letting it out was better than having him make his own assumptions. Things with Tommy have always been delicate.

With neither of us brave enough to say a word, I make the decision to leave. I stand up, brush the dirt off my shorts and turn towards the exit.

Tommy's hand reaches out and grabs mine, stopping me.

His touch is warm and soft on my skin and I turn back to see him, but his gaze is still in the distance, miles away from me. I say nothing as I wait for him to speak up but he doesn't. His grip on my hand tightens and I know that what he wants to say is on the tip of his tongue, but he isn't allowing himself the ability to speak.

I just want to know where we stand. Do we pretend that this never happened? Is he going to tell Giselle the truth and figure out a way to make this work with her?

His words from last night keep ringing in my ear.

'I wanted you to tell me that what we had was worth saving. That what I felt was fucking real.'

I had never seen him so angry. He had never looked at me with so much disdain. It was hate in his eyes that I saw.

As if losing the battle within himself, he slowly releases my hand and places his arm back on his knees.

That's his decision. I know it now. He's letting me walk away.

I stare at the back of his head for a moment, willing him to say what's on his mind, but he doesn't. This is it? Fifteen years of knowing each other being thrown away so easily?

Every second that passes and he doesn't speak kills me more. Has he not thought about what I said last night? Does he not care? Is this really how he wants to end things between us? Because I know that once I leave, it's done. We can't erase the past, but we can embrace it and learn from it.

I begin to walk away, something that I've had to unfortunately learn to do since I met him. But I stop as I reach the small trail that leads me away from this little slice of paradise.

I can't walk away and always wonder what if. If I want to move on for good, I have to tell him everything so that I can start over with a clean slate.

"I've spent nights thinking about every single decision I've made in my life that has led me to where I am," I say softly. "I think that if maybe I didn't stop by my locker on your first day of school, I would have saved myself all this heartache. "

I turn around to face him, his haunted eyes holding mine. "I go back to that moment all the time, wishing that I could warn myself about you. I think about how easy it would have been for us to never have met. Years ago I would stay up late, thinking about what I would do if I could somehow go back in time and change everything. My mind conjures up every imaginable scenario to avoid meeting you. I told myself that if I could do it over again, I'd walk straight into math after homeroom. I'd finally accept that date with Skull so that he would leave me alone…or maybe just walk a little faster to avoid meeting you all together."

Tommy blows out a slow and deep breath, his eyes unreadable.

"But then I think about what came out of knowing you… and it's not the superficial things, like going to dances, and getting flowers, or having a date for valentines day… it's the things that I couldn't experience with anyone else but you. It's falling in love for the first time, it's saving the world with the person that I respect the most, and it's learning to pray for a future that doesn't exist. "

He says nothing.

"So now… I know the truth," a tear slips down my cheek and I fight the urge to wipe it away. "I choose you, again and again. Every time. Whether you choose me or not."

My heart is bleeding for him.

"This isn't effortless love like Trini and Jason," I tell him, my eyes filling with tears again. "but it's real. It's all real."

The veins in his arm begin to appear as his hands begin to form into fists. He swallows against his tightening jaw and I lose hope that he'll speak. That's all I want. Acknowledgment. Proof that what I felt wasn't all in my head. That this week happened and it mattered.

"You asked me once what I would have done if you had come back to me and explained yourself."

He looks at me, his brows furrowing. It had been the night on the yacht when he was nearly blackout drunk and didn't remember anything the next morning.

"Do you remember what I said?"

His eyes search mine for an answer and I know that he doesn't recall this conversation at all.

"I told you that I would run to you," my tears slip down some more, "I would have loved you," I say our eyes locking. "And I never would have looked back."

My heart has been served to him, put on a platter for him to take. It's always been his, what he chooses to do with it is out of my control.

"I meant it then and I mean it now," I reply, quietly.

"All of this time I've been beating myself up for what I did to Cole. I asked myself how I could be so cruel to hurt the man that I love," my lip trembles. "The pain in his voice after I told him what I did will live with me for the rest of my life. Then I realized that I know I could never do something like that to the person I love. I'm not built that way. My painful realization was that I never truly loved Cole, I couldn't. There had never been room in my heart to love anyone but you."

I let out a deep breath that hurts from the pit of my soul.

"So that's my truth to you, Tommy. It's been ten years since you walked away from me the first time… and it's still you who I love, it's still you that I think about in the middle of the night while I lie in bed with someone else, it's still you that I pray to God to keep safe."

His eyes are wet as they hold mine.

"I love you enough to walk away," I whisper. "I love you enough to step aside and have the future that we planned happen with someone else…"

The thought cuts me deep inside. I get a vision of our future, the laughter, the love, all of that with Giselle in my place.

"…but if you love me too, you make this right."

His nostrils flare at my admission. He knows what I'm asking and I honestly can't believe I said it.

"…If you love me too, don't let me walk away."

His throat bobs up and down as he takes a thick swallow. I know it's a lot to ask for, I understand that what happened between us can't be remedied by a few words, but I want to try.

There are words still left to say and words that we shouldn't say.

What I'm asking for isn't fair.

I step towards him and take his hand in mine. His head drops and I know it's to keep from looking at me.

He feels it too. My fingers intertwine with his as I pour my heart out to him and for a brief moment, I have hope. We both know that we can't end like this. Our story deserves something so much better than this but we're too stubborn to allow it.

Please, say something.

His fingers squeeze around mine and I take a deep inhale. What is there left for me to say that I haven't already?

What have I missed? I'm not here to change his mind because I know that the decision he has made has always been there.

We stood like this, fingers locked, gaze to the floor, silence— for far too long.

With no word spoken, Tommy lifts his gaze and releases my fingers, my hand swinging back to my side.

My lip trembles silently and it is then that I've learned of his decision.

What hurts most about being an adult is learning to respect the decision made by others, and Tommy has now made it very clear where we both stand.

It's over.

He's letting me walk away. And as much as I hate it, I have to understand.

I nod to myself. I can't be upset about this. It's better to know than to live always wondering. This is what I wanted, right? I wanted the confirmation. I wanted the truth.

I can't be upset because I don't like the answer.

I said goodbye to my friends with a smile that never reached my eyes. Jason didn't understand why I had to leave, but I couldn't explain myself.

It wasn't until I got on the plane that I let my tears fall freely. This is where I wanted to leave them. These tears can't follow me to California. So when the plane took off, I waved goodbye to all the hurt I had accumulated in the one week that I was here.

I'm prepared to walk away, but walking away this time will be harder.


Author note: Just a few more chapters to go. I don't even know if I should say that I hope you enjoyed it because I'm not sure there's much joy to this lol. Please let me know what you think in a review or PM. Always makes my day :)