Chapter 34
Amortentia
The long corridor twisted and intertwined with others, making the dungeons a labyrinth of passageways, storage rooms, and disused classrooms that misled and made unsuspecting students lose their way. Laurel had walked through these corridors so many times that she didn't need to keep an eye out for the various turns on the way to Severus' office.
The woman walked behind the wizard keeping her eyes down, lost in the ripples of the man's cloak. Her ears filling with the echo of their hurried footsteps, breaking the silence of the early morning. But none of this was what kept Laurel's mind so busy.
The last moments replayed in her mind without control. Her anger was heightened at times as she remembered how the wizard had admitted that he preferred to keep her in the dark, ignorant, like a pretty porcelain doll in a glass case. A beautiful and useless decoration to cheer up his life.
But then, to the detriment of her pride, her anger subsided as she recalled the grip of Severus's hands against her bare legs. Laurel was frowning, feeling ashamed of herself. Why was she so weak in the presence of Severus?
Then she remembered his words:
"Love only makes people stupid".
"Damn, he´s always right". — She thought.
"Was it Potter?"
"Pardon me?" — Laurel´s internal dialogue stopped at hearing Severus speak.
"Potter. Did he talk to you about… his mother?"
"No, it wasn't him".
Laurel hesitated for a second if she should say it was Lupin since she didn't want to add to the animosity between the two former schoolmates. Then, almost as a sharp slap, she remembered poor Remus suffering in the Shrieking Shack.
"How's Remus?" — She asked without worrying about being exposed.
Severus stopped walking and turned to her, arching an eyebrow.
"Alive". — He answered coldly. — "It was impossible to administer another dose of the potion. His transformation was very violent. Tonks will spend the rest of the night with him."
"What if he can't turn back into a human?"
"It would be a shame". — He murmured apathetically as he headed back on course — "Although I doubt it. I'll go see him in the morning".
"He told me about that day". — Laurel whispered, walking behind him. — "When you called her Mudblood."
Severus fell silent, though his steps seemed to quicken even more.
"He told me what they did to you". — She continued, her voice growing hesitant. — "In certain way, it was worse than the incident in the Shrieking Shack… You lost your friend that day".
"Good old Snivellus, humiliated in front of the whole school. I think that was the biggest achievement James Potter ever got in his entire life". — He hissed angrily. — "Oh, I guess Moony enjoyed reminiscing about that".
"No! He... He´s very sorry..."
"Really? Is he?" — He said sarcastically. — "I have never had the honour of hearing him say that. Are you sure he didn't just say that to make himself look good?"
"Severus, don't be mad…"
"Do you feel pity for me, Laurel?"
They had arrived in front of his office. Severus's eyes were locked with hers, as if he were trying to get inside her head.
"I feel many things for you". — She answered, without looking away. — "Love, care; and yes, I do feel pity as well, for a man who is unable to trust me".
Severus lowered his gaze and opened the office door without a word. The fire was still burning in the fireplace, the two cups of cold tea were still on the desk.
"So?" — Laurel asked the man, who had sat at his desk and was staring at the fire as if hypnotized.
"How come you ended up talking to Draco?" — He asked back suddenly.
"Filch brought him here. He caught him lurking near the Potions classroom." — She replied impatiently. — "I suspect he has stolen something from the ingredient storage".
Severus' dark eyes lit up at the revelation.
"Of course…" — He muttered thoughtfully.
"Of course? What is he planning to do? Sev, I'm seriously starting to lose my patience".
"He plans to poison Dumbledore". — He cut her off, silencing the woman's irritated words.
Laurel felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been spilled on her. Her hands began to tingle and she had the feeling that she was about to pass out.
"No... How could he want… something like that?" — She stammered with difficulty. — "He´s... he's just a student... he's only sixteen..."
"He must kill him, Laurel." — He answered matter-of-factly. — "That is his mission".
"And you want to help him?! Are you going to let him commit that lunacy?"
It made no sense; she couldn't understand it. How is Draco, an average grading student, a mummy´s boy, going to assassinate Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time?
Draco's face was all she could see now: thin, ashen with stress and exhaustion. Laurel wondered how long it had been since the young man had had a peaceful night's sleep.
"I have no choice. My life and my family are at risk".
Laurel knew he couldn´t make it, knew he was doomed. And then she understood. Severus had to perform this action for him. He had to do what the boy would not be able to do. It would be his moment of glory. Perhaps that is what the Dark Lord expected. But then that would mean...
Her heart seemed to want to jump out of her chest. Laurel took a few steps back, away from the Death Eater who was looking at her with an unfathomable face and stumbled against one of the shelves. Her hand bumped into a ledge and she gripped it tightly, as if the cold wood was the only thing holding her to reality.
"Do you want... have to kill Dumbledore?"
Severus was unable to meet her gaze. He realized that Draco hadn't mentioned the Unbreakable Vow. He took a deep breath, trying to stop the slight nausea caused by knowing he was about to be dishonest with her again.
He couldn't bear to see the horror on Laurel's face. Her contempt, her revulsion towards him was what he feared the most. He didn't want to lose her, but deep down he knew it would happen one way or another.
She wanted the truth.
He wanted to keep her by his side as long as possible.
If he twisted and turned the facts, if he distorted the narrative enough to share with her only what would satisfy her, then she wouldn't hate him.
He had to choose his words carefully.
"I was given the task to stop Draco". — He finally answered. — "I can't allow him to tarnish his soul by committing murder".
"Does that mean Dumbledore knows?"
"Of course he does. Do you think I would not inform him of something this pertinent?"
"So you will not… you are not part of…" —Laurel was unable to articulate her words. — "Draco thinks you're interfering because you want to do it yourself".
"I want to ruin his plans, yes. The boy is right about that".
"What if the Dark Lord finds out?"
"Isn't it my job he doesn´t find out?" — He replied, flashing his customary sneer.
Laurel walked over to him. Her bright, wide eyes assessed him. Severus remained calm, surreptitiously clenching his fists, digging his nails into his flesh, feeling a terrible loathing for himself. Why should he lie to her? Why was he unable to confess to her that Dumbledore had made him swear that he would be the one to execute him? But he was sure, she would hate him, she would never want to look at the face of a murderer again and he could not dare to risk losing those precious brown eyes. At least not yet
"What will happen to Draco then?"
"Dumbledore will find a way to protect him".
"But if not…"
"I cannot be sure of the outcome. It is a war after all, but I trust Dumbledore knows what's best and I know he will not sacrifice one of his pupils to the Dark Lord".
"And you?"
"What about me?"
"Is Dumbledore willing to sacrifice you?"
"That´s… that is really an unnecessary question". — He stammered as he felt a sudden lump in his throat.
"It´s just I feel there is something very wrong in all of this".
Seeing the reddish colour and the tiny droplets beginning to form in the corners of her eyes, Severus felt in his ears the guilty hammering of his heart. He got up quickly and hugged her, kissing her forehead and whispering in her ear:
"Don't over think it, pet. You should not worry much about me. I know what I am doing".
"I can't help it."
"That is why there are certain things are better left unsaid, there are things you are better off not knowing. It is not wise to put emotions into them".
"You think I am too weak". — She said, drying her tears.
"I think you are too innocent". — He answered, forcing a tiny smile. — "And you will be happier if you keep that way. I will be happier, for sure".
"I want you to be happy, Sev. And I want you to be safe".
Her voice was like water: Washing over him, filling up his head. So soft and weak but also so powerful it could tear him apart as if he was made of paper. He held her tighter, allowing her warmth to comfort his fears. He had an unwilling yet irresistible vision of her in his bed, her skin against his, a sort of soft cocoon to keep him away from harm, from any bad memory.
He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling all the accumulated exhaustion of that day, but before he could pick Laurel up and carry her to his bedroom, the woman said quietly:
"I guess you should go to Dumbledore now".
Severus pulled away from her, rubbing his temples tiredly.
"Yes, right, I must tell him about Malfoy". — He stifled a yawn. — "I hope to find him. He's been out of Hogwarts lately".
"Will you tell him about what Harry did?" — She asked cautiously. — "I know you said you didn't want him to leave the office, but I couldn't keep him here all night".
"He used his charms with you, isn't he?" — His drowsiness abruptly gone. — "He is adored by the whole staff".
"He is a good boy, yes. He has kind eyes. Like his mother´s".
His mouth went dry. Just when he thought the storm had abated, he would have to deal with his most painful memories.
"How… how do you know that?" — He murmured.
Laurel blushed and pointed to the desk.
"There is a photograph in the last drawer. I didn't mean to go through your stuff, I was just looking for something to eat for Harry".
Severus headed back to his desk and opening the drawer, he placed the old photograph carefully on the table.
Laurel sat in the chair across, just looking at him. She intertwined her hands to prevent the tremor from being too noticeable, however, in her nervousness she couldn't help but crack a couple of knuckles. She didn't know how to put into words the doubts she had, the jealousy that ate at her. She felt she was being unfair to enquire about Severus' feelings toward his childhood friend, but she could not stop the constant grumbling in the back of her mind, the bleak feeling of living under the shadow of another woman.
"You pushed her away, yet you cannot forget her".
"She… I… I didn't deserve her". — His eyes were attached to the photograph. — "After I called her that name, I was ashamed of myself, but I knew there was no going back. I was slipping into darkness and at first, I thought that maybe, if I garnered enough power and status I could impress her, maybe she could be attracted to me… I totally fucked up".
"At least you didn´t use Amortentia".
Severus eyes darted to Laurel so suddenly, her chest tighten for a second.
"Did… did you use it?"
"Absolutely not. Who do you think I am?"
"At this point in the story, a Death Eater who has lost the girl he loves and was willing to sacrifice everything to climb the ranks of the Dark Lord".
The wizard cringed a little at the harshness of Laurel's words.
"I would never use the Amortentia. I wouldn't want to do that to her… I wouldn't want false feelings."
Laurel nodded, encouraging him to continue.
"Then she married Potter… I saw their picture in the newspaper. She was looking so happy". — Severus voice cracked. — "I couldn't believe it… that she ended up marrying that… But she looked so, so happy. I tried to forget her but then, they joined The Order of the Phoenix and they fought bravely".
"Did you fight against her?"
"No. My position was more tactical. Spell creation, potion making. I was in the inner circle so I could hear a lot of things".
"Is that why The Dark Lord decided to murder them personally? Were they such a big threat?"
"Not them. Their son. Harry".
"A baby?" — Laurel rubbed her arms absently as chill went down her spine. — "What type of psycho would want to hurt a baby?"
Severus swallowed hard. Memories of him crouching, listening through the door of one of the Hog's Head's wretched rooms raced before his eyes. He could hear the rough voice of Sybill Trelawney uttering that prophecy. The prophecy that would condemn the Potters. He did not know at that time; he could not know. So he went, running to his master to tell him everything he had been able to hear. The twenty-year-old idiot didn't understand what he had just done. He could not understand that he had sentenced an innocent to death. A whole family to death. And much less, that from that day on, his beloved Lily's hours were numbered.
"There was… a rumour". — He replied slowly, thoughtfully. — "It was said, there was a prophecy. It talked about a wizard that could defeat the Dark Lord".
"And that wizard was Harry?"
"That's… that's what he believed".
"So, he believed a rumour? The Dark Lord acted on a rumour?"
Severus fell silent, tempted to sink into Occlumency, tempted to hide in shame. But Laurel would know if he did, so he did his best to keep composed.
"He must have believed it, yes".
"But why the Potters? Why Harry?"
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..." — He recited low; the words etched in his soul forever. — "He assumed it was Harry".
"So he murdered his whole family". — Laurel couldn't control the tremor in her chin.
"But he couldn´t kill him. Lily's love protected him. She begged the Dark Lord to kill her instead of her son, but he had no mercy". — Severus looked back at the picture, and he felt how a single tear hung from his eyelashes. — "He murdered her and then pointed his wand at Harry. Lily's sacrifice protected him against the killing curse. It bounced back to the Dark Lord. Many thought that he had died. That he had been defeated forever".
"But he is back".
"He was always there, lurking".
"Is that why you changed sides? Did you switch sides when you found out Lily was going to be killed?"
Severus didn´t answered. Now it was a trickle of tears that ran down his nose and when he felt the taste of salt on his lips, he realized that he would never be able to be honest with Laurel. He would never be able to be honest with himself.
Night after night, day after day he must live with the guilt that it was he, who had revealed the prophecy, who had led the Dark Lord to Godric's Hollow that Halloween night. It was he who had begged him to spare Lily Evans's life and knowing that his master would show no mercy, he threw himself at the feet of Albus Dumbledore, swearing allegiance to him, swearing his own life to save the woman he loved. And it had all been in vain. Lily was dead. Because of him.
Laurel stood up and approached him. The pain on his face was so naked, she felt a heaviness in her chest that didn't allow her to breathe. She reached out and dried his tears. She imagined that she could see the reflection of the man's past in his eyes, the years of torment, of thinking of what might have been, of having a chance of redemption, of having that chance suddenly snatched away.
Laurel did not need to hear any answers. He loved him, he trusted him. That was enough.
She knelt next to him, her head in his lap.
"The Dark Lord will kill Harry". — She muttered faintly.
After a couple of seconds the low, brittle voice of Severus reached her ears:
"That is what he intends to do. That is what Dumbledore intends to stop".
"Is there a chance? To stop him?"
"I don't know, but I will give up anything to make it possible".
. . .
He opened his eyes and stared at the dark ceiling, feeling apprehension wash over him. That night it wasn't Lily's ghost that had woken him up.
Turning, he pulled a sleeping Laurel into his arms. She curled into a ball, nestling against his chest and he brushed her hair away to look at her face. Laurel was everything to him, he was sure now. As he was also sure that very soon he would break her heart, destroy her as he had destroyed Lily.
He got up quietly, taking care not to let the sleeping woman notice his absence, and headed to his office. The old photograph was the first thing his eyes fell on, but Severus walked past it, reaching the cabinet behind his desk.
Amortentia
The mother-of-pearl sheen of the potion seemed to intensify at the contact of the wizard's fingers. This time he didn't hesitate. With a flick he broke the wax seal on the small bottle, allowing the potent fragrance of the love potion to spread throughout the room.
Severus closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
The noise of the streams that ran through the cobbled alleys of Spinner's End during stormy mornings: Rain.
The treasures that his mother allowed him to possess on his tenth birthday and the long nights tucked up in his rickety bed, reading by the dim light of a candle: Old books.
Maybe it was hours, maybe just a few minutes, but he stood where he was until he was sure he wasn't dreaming.
He smiled, knowing he was doomed.
He put the little cork back in the bottle and carefully returned it to the cabinet of forbidden potions.
That aroma walking with him back to his room and even growing stronger as he stood by his bed, looking at the brown-haired woman dozing between the sheets.
Sweet spices.
The scent Laurel had on her skin.
