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Chapter 3
Fall 1970
Jack bypassed the front door and instead decided to walk around to the back of the large home. As he made his way toward the garden, he found his father and grandmother sitting along the flowers. His father held some flowers within his hands and he was smiling up at Anna. There was no doubt that the two of them were related. Johnny, his father, had her light eyes and light hair. But he, Jack, had been told since he was little how much he favored the grandfather that he never was given the chance to meet. No, his grandfather had died before he even knew that he was going to have a child. It had been his grandmother, Anna, who had been left behind and left to become a mother on her own.
He started to step down the stone steps, when he felt a hand on his upper arm.
"Let them talk." It was his Aunt Mary. He glanced to her and nodded, stepping back to be closer to her. "He soothes her. I rang him last night after her outburst yesterday. He showed up as soon as he could today. She's been in better spirits."
Jack didn't know how to respond. He hated this for his grandmother, but for all of them, as well. Just months before Anna Bates had been a force of nature. She was loving, carefree, and strong. She had always been there for all of them. His Aunt Mary had said that Anna was the root of their unconventional and somewhat secret family. She was the one who had held them together and not let them go.
Those who knew them very well knew the truth, of course. But it wasn't spoken about, not really.
"I worry about the day she wakes up and doesn't know who I am." There was such vulnerability in his aunt's voice that Jack almost didn't believe it came from her. She was not one to show that side to anyone but his grandmother. Aunt Mary always appeared to them all as unflustered. He remembered telling his cousins that he was sure she was braver than everyone else in the world.
"She won't forget you, Auntie," Jack assured her. "Gran has never forgotten you, even when she's forgotten all of us. She's even forgotten Dad."
Mary quickly wiped a tear off her cheek with her finger.
"Your gran has never forgotten Johnny. She just remembers him as he was when he was a child."
A solemn smile graced Jack's lips. "What did you think when you realized Gran was pregnant? Were you shocked?"
"I was pleased," Mary answered, her eyes still on Anna. "I was pleased for Anna that she was going to have a memory of Bates. She loved your grandfather very much, Jack. She still does. That has never changed."
1920
Mary was awoken by the sound of retching and the harsh waves of the sea. She sat up, trying to adjust her eyes to the dim light of the room. She could see the outline of Anna stepping out of their private lavatory. Anna paused in her steps and then quickly turned, disappearing back behind the door. Once more, Mary heard the sound of Anna emptying her stomach.
Mary stood. It had been nearly a week since she had pecked Anna on the lips and thankfully, Anna had not said another word about it. Mary knew it had to do with missing Matthew. Her heart ached for him. There were moments where she wondered if she was doing the right thing running off to America, but then she'd remember that she was doing it for him. And so, she'd brave the rest of the day, trying not to dwell on what could have been.
She walked to the door of their small lavatory and she saw Anna standing by the basin. Her cheeks were pale and her eyes were red, stung with tears.
"Oh Anna," Mary breathed, stepping closer to her. "We only have a few more days on this wretched ship."
Anna managed a weak smile. While Mary enjoyed the sea, the last couple of days had begun to take their toll on Anna. She had seemed to grow seasick overnight.
"When are we supposed to arrive in America?"
"Saturday," Mary answered. Though she knew that storms or other things could change that date closer or further away. She did hope it didn't get pushed back. Poor Anna wouldn't make it much longer on these waves.
Anna took a piece of flannel, wet it, and rubbed it over her brow.
"I had thought I might be with child," Anna admitted, meeting Mary's eyes in the mirror. Mary's heart skipped a beat.
"Are you not?"
"I….Seasickness makes more sense, don't you think? And it's only been two weeks…." Anna's voice faded. A tear slid down her cheek.
"Has your cycle come?"
"Not yet, but I have felt the signs of its return. It should be here in a few days. I won't be blessed with John's child after all." More tears came. "What would I do anyway? How would I manage with a child?"
Mary frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"I'd never find a position with an infant, m'lady. We would end up in a work house." Anna's head shook and she blotted her cheeks with the flannel.
"We would care for you and the child," Mary said with such certainty. "Bates was an honorable man, my father still owes him for saving his life. I have no doubt that Papa would assist you in helping raise his child. And you, Anna, have been very loyal to this family. We would find a way to make it work."
Anna turned to face Mary and her eyes were misty with tears.
"That's very kind of you. Though, I don't believe it will be needed."
A sadness fell over Mary. She thought of how wonderful it would be for Anna to have such a blessing, something to remember her husband by.
"Don't give up hope, just yet," Mary said. Her voice was full of optimism and she surprised herself with it. Mary was not one to look optimistically at the world. No, she was a realist. She knew how things often turned out. But she found that she wanted this so desperately for Anna.
"I'm feeling a bit better. Should we go to breakfast?"
At that, Mary smiled.
"Yes."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
The nightmares were tortuous. Anna would hear his voice, a faint Anna, and then the sound of the wood beneath him being removed before she would see feet dangling below. Every time, she awoke with a start and a scream trapped within her throat.
Sitting up, Anna clutched at her heart and tears streamed down her cheeks. He was gone, stolen away from her. It wasn't fair.
A hand came onto her shoulder and she jumped.
"It's only me," Mary's voice whispered in the darkness. "You were screaming. I was concerned."
Anna couldn't speak. Her body was shaken and she was struggling not to burst into harsh tears.
"It must have been some nightmare," Mary murmured. "Let me grab you some biscuits." Unable to disagree, Anna watched as Mary slid off the bed and went in search of some biscuits in their suite. She arrived back to the bed only moments later, handing Anna a small package. "Here you go."
Anna could only nod. She grasped at one biscuit, but her throat was too thick to even be able to nibble on the edge of it.
"Lie down," Mary demanded, though her tone was gentle.
"I…I can't," Anna struggled to get out. But all she could think of was what she would see when her eyes closed again.
"You can," Mary disagreed. "I'll lay down beside you until you fall asleep. You need your rest, Anna. Bates wouldn't want this for you."
Unable to disagree, Anna rested her head back against the pillows. She laid onto her side and Mary did the same. The two of them faced one another, but they were an arm's length apart.
"Close your eyes," Mary told her. Anna did as she was told. "I'll be right here. You are not alone, Anna."
There was comfort in those words and Anna was surprised that with Mary by her side and the rock of the waves, that she was able to go back to sleep.
When she awoke the next morning, she found that Mary was still in her bed. Mary was turned away from her, but snores escaped her lips. Anna didn't want to wake her, so she quietly moved out of the bed.
The moment her foot hit the wood beneath her feet, nausea overcame her. She rushed to the lavatory and began to empty her stomach into the porcelain toilet. She had very little to eat the night before, so it was nearly clear liquid. Her hand came down to rest on her flat stomach and she furrowed her brows. Could she be with John's child? It was what she had prayed for every day since she had last seen his face. Their final night together had been beautiful, but heartbreaking. They had made love in every sense of the word. It has been slow and sensual; loving and full of sadness. Anna wanted so badly to have been left with a part of John.
Her stomach lurched again and she moaned. But she felt a twinge within her breasts, making her hands come up and touch the side of her left breast. It felt sore and sensitive. She could recall her mother saying how that was how she knew she was pregnant with her baby brother. It was how she had known she was pregnant with each of her children.
Anna didn't want to get her hopes up, but the hope was already there. Her eyes closed and she could picture a baby boy within her arms, a little boy with John's face. Oh, how she would be so grateful if that were to come true.
"Still not feeling well?" She glanced up to find Mary in the doorway of the lavatory.
"No. I think…" Anna paused. Would it be wise to say anything quite yet? It was very early. Anything could happen and she could be wrong. But Mary beat her to it.
"Anna, I believe you are expecting." Mary had a wide smile on her lips. "Oh Anna, I am so pleased for you."
"You are?"
"Yes. Of course, I am. How wonderful for you to have Bates' baby. I know it won't be the same as him being here, but you deserve this gift, Anna."
Anna slowly stood from the tile floor and wiped her brow with the back of her hand.
"It's still quite early. I may not even really be pregnant and if I am, something bad could happen. Perhaps, it isn't wise to get too excited, not yet."
"It will be our little secret," Mary winked. Anna couldn't help but smile at her lady's enthusiasm and optimism surrounding her possible pregnancy. Her hand fell back to her abdomen and she tried to imagine what it might feel like as it expanded to fit the life inside of her.
Her lips then fell. She knew it would devastate her if she was wrong or if she did, in fact, lose this baby. Her heart was already shattered. This would only further its destruction.
"I did sleep better once you joined me in bed last night," Anna then said, changing the course of their conversation. "There were no more nightmares."
"Good, perhaps I'll sleep in your bed again tonight then. I also slept better."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
And they did. For their final few nights on the ship, Mary climbed into Anna's bed every evening. They kept to their respected sides of the bed and neither said much as they fell asleep with the rise and fall of the waves.
But on the morning of the day they were to arrive in America, Mary woke up entangled within Anna's arms. Anna's chest was pressed against her back and her arms were cradled around Mary's upper body. Their cheeks were next to one another's. It felt odd, but also soothing. Mary remained still, unsure of how to best respond.
However, Anna woke just moments later. She didn't know that Mary was awake and she slid her entire body from Mary's and quickly turned away. Mary realized that she missed the contact. She turned to Anna and placed her hand on Anna's shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze.
"Today, things return to normal," Anna said, sitting up and keeping her back to Mary. "When we arrive in America, I am once more your maid and you my lady."
It was true. Once they were at Grandmama's, Anna would be sent to the maid's quarters to sleep. She would be back to hemming her clothing, preparing her outfits for the day, and doing all of the other things one does.
"Yes," Mary quietly agreed. But she found she didn't want things to go back to normal. She wished they could stay just like this. It was not something she vocalized. Instead, she stood and walked over to open the blinds. There out in the distance she saw America.
To be continued...
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