James Potter never got worried. He never felt guilty, concerned himself with others' feelings, or really thought much about the consequences of his actions.
Which was probably why he felt a little queasy now, three days before the bet was over, since every single one of those things that he never felt or did were suddenly and persistently first and foremost in his mind.
"All right there, James?" Peter asked, apparently catching the slightly green look on his friend's face – which fortunately, after almost a week of not being able to get rid of them, had nothing to do with tentacles.
"Mooning after Lily-kins again?" Sirius asked, cracking open one eye to peer at him, but closing it again rather quickly with a happy, "Mmm."
"I'm fine," James said.
They were in the common room by the fire, the only people still up this late, even though it was the weekend. Peter and James had taken up residence in the two armchairs on either side of the couch. Remus was sitting on one end of the couch, and Sirius' long body was stretched across it looking quite comfortable with his head resting in Remus' lap. Remus had been reading a book, absently running fingers through Sirius' thick dark hair, though now he had set the book down and was leaning against the back of the couch, looking very much like he was sleeping, save for the slow rhythmic movements of his fingers. He'd seemed exhausted as of late, and James wondered not for the first time if he was getting ill. Even so he looked content, if not downright happy as he sat there.
This was what was making James feel so incredibly terrible. Worse than he'd ever felt before. Because he knew that look on Remus' tired face was due to the boy in his lap, who, he had to admit looked just as pleased and content as Remus himself. But he also knew what Sirius' motives were – being as he'd been the one to give them to him. It recently occurred to him, somewhere between getting advice from Remus about Lily and having the prefect deliberately ignore the fact that he hexed Malfoy right in front of him, just how right Peter had been. They were complete and total arses.
Remus was a decent bloke. No, more than that, Remus was - nice, funny, brilliant – why hadn't they befriended him before? Yes he was shy and quiet (though not as much once they had gotten him comfortable enough to start talking) but he was also good and kind and much better than any of them, except maybe Peter, who, while lacking a backbone, at least could see right from wrong.
"I think," Remus said, startling James. "I'm going to go to bed." He'd finally opened his eyes and there was a weariness in them that none of them had seen before.
Sirius, apparently noticing this as well, sat up, looking at him in concern. "Are you getting sick?"
Remus smiled at him. "Just tired," he responded. He stood with a little less ease than usual and made his way towards the dorm, book in hand. "Goodnight," he said, before disappearing up the stairs.
They watched him go, all three of them slightly worried that he was sicker than he was letting on.
Finally Peter said, "I'm gonna go to bed too." Not long ago he wouldn't have dreamed of going to bed before his two friends, afraid he'd miss something. But if Remus could, then he certainly could. Besides, he was still angry with Sirius and anxious over what would happen in three days time. Even if Sirius didn't win, then he would dump Remus flat at the end of the month. And if he did win, he'd still dump him flat. He was also a little annoyed with James, who hadn't bothered to say anything to Sirius about this, even after everything Remus had helped him with.
He stood and left, not bothering to say goodnight as he went.
James and Sirius sat in silence for a while, both apparently lost in their own thoughts. Eventually though, Sirius spoke. "Something's wrong with Re – Lupin."
James heard the stumble. "Has he told you what?"
Sirius shook his head. "Anytime I ask him he brushes it off."
"Well, if he won't tell you he's not going to tell us."
Sirius looked at him then, actually confused at the statement, before it dawned on him what James was saying. Sirius was, for all intents and purposes, Remus' boyfriend. If Remus were going to tell anyone, it would be him.
"I'm sure it's nothing serious," James assured him.
Sirius tore his eyes away from him, glancing back to the fire. Remus was so shy and secretive – Sirius was actually extremely worried. He could be deathly ill and Sirius didn't think he'd own up to it unless he keeled over.
He shrugged. "Whatever, not like it matters. As long as he's got enough energy to shag." Sirius was aware of how little time was left. He was also aware that he sounded like a complete and total prat.
"Oh sod off it, Black," James snapped, sick of Sirius pretending like he didn't care about Remus at all.
Sirius looked at him in surprise.
"Don't act like you couldn't give two shites about what happens to him, because I know you do. We all do," James said, finally admitting that he looked at Remus as a friend now. And friends didn't do things like this to each other. "This… this is going to hurt him. No matter which one of us wins, in the end it's him who loses."
Sirius stood abruptly, as if the couch had burnt him. "Not you too, James. First I have to hear this bleeding heart bullocks from Peter, and now you too. You, of all people, knew exactly what you were getting into when this started. You made the bet Potter, don't forget that. It's not my fault you got attached. The minute the bet's over so are he and I."
Sirius was tired of feeling guilty all the time. He couldn't stand it. Turning on his heel he left James sitting alone in the common room as he stalked up to bed.
"So how did you, one of the Noble Black, wind up in Gryffindor?" Remus asked as they walked through Hogsmeade. It was Remus' first trip there, never having bothered before. He hadn't planned on going today either, wanting to just relax in his bed. The full moon was two days away and the closer it got the less he slept. But Sirius had pestered him until he finally gave in – his patented puppy eyes crumbling his resolve.
Sirius, James, and Peter had drug him all over the town showing him everything that was worth seeing. His pockets were now full of sweets from Honeydukes that Sirius and Peter had bought for him when he'd said he wasn't going to buy any for himself, and a few novelty items from Zonko's that James swore Remus couldn't live without.
Remus felt a little bad that they were buying him things, but truth be told he just didn't have the money to spend on himself. Most of his parents' income went to trying to find a cure for him – something he'd given up on long before they would. As a result, spending money was few and far between and he tried not to use it frivolously.
He couldn't help but smile though, warmed by their generosity, despite the cool crisp weather.
When James had spotted Lily in the Three Broomsticks and drug Peter in with him, since Lily liked the small boy much more that she liked Sirius, Sirius took advantage of the distraction and tugged Remus away so they could spend some time alone.
They walked in a companionable silence up a deserted path that led a little away from town, until Remus broke the quiet with his question.
"Well I always was a bit of a rebel," Sirius responded with a smirk. "Being placed in Gryffindor was the ultimate rebellion."
Remus laughed softly. "I guess so. How did your parents react?"
Sirius' brow furrowed. "Well, I've basically been disowned, only going home for the summer where my parents lock me in my room and the only contact I have is with a miserable house elf named Kreacher." He blinked, feeling an embarrassed flush work its way up his neck. Why on earth had he told Remus that?
Remus was looking at him now, expression unreadable. Finally he shyly reached out and took Sirius' hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
They kept walking hand in hand.
"What about you?" Sirius asked, wanting to change the subject. "Was getting into a Gryffindor a surprise?" With the way Remus studied and read he sometimes seemed more like a Ravenclaw to Sirius.
Remus actually snorted. "Getting into the school was more of a surprise."
"Why?" Sirius asked, curiosity piqued at that response.
"Um," Remus began, wide-eyed as if he'd made a fatal mistake. "My family thought – I might have been a squib." He looked away.
"You?" Sirius asked with a laugh. "You're amazing with magic."
Remus suddenly paled, breath hitching in his throat as he stopped in his tracks. Sirius thought for a moment it was something he'd said, but he followed the boy's gaze and saw what had caused the reaction. He grinned. "Afraid of the Shrieking Shack?" he asked. "They say its haunted by violent spirits."
"Let's go back," Remus said, eyes still fixed on the Shack.
"Don't tell me you believe that bullocks," Sirius said, taking a step forward and tugging lightly on Remus' hand with a grin. "Come on, I won't let the ghosties get you."
Remus refused to budge however.
"Rem, you don't have to be afraid," Sirius persisted. "It's just an old building." He gave Remus' hand a gentle squeeze, then tugged at him again.
Remus' eyes finally moved from the Shack and looked at him, a little panicked and full of real fear. That building was the scene of so many nightmares – it stood for pain. Just looking at it brought flashes of things he was happier not remembering.
Sirius immediately stopped insisting at the look on Remus' face. "What's wrong?" he asked, truly concerned. He'd never seen Remus look quite like that.
"I…just want to go back. Please." Remus' voice was soft, pleading.
Sirius nodded and turned without another word about the Shack. "Come on," he said, never loosening his grip on Remus' hand, but tugging him now in the opposite direction. He glanced over at Remus every now and then on their walk back, but the boy seemed to have closed down completely, his expression blank.
Sirius found that he couldn't stand to see him like that. So when they were well out of sight of the Shrieking Shack, but not too close to town, he stopped, turning the boy towards him and kissing him. He kept his eyes open to see Remus' reaction.
The smaller boy blinked in surprise, thankfully coming out of whatever trance he'd been in, and slowly kissed him back. Remus eventually relaxed into Sirius' arms, and the kiss went on for some time before they finally broke for air.
"Sorry," Remus said, glancing away and looking a bit embarrassed. "I didn't mean to—"
"It's okay," Sirius said, running fingers through his tawny hair before reaching for his hand once more. "Let's go find Peter and Jamie. Hopefully there won't be any more embarrassing things growing from him after his latest encounter with Evans."
Remus smiled, letting himself be led away from the Shack and towards… well, towards his friends.
Sirius' words from two nights before kept running through James' mind. Tonight was Sirius' last night before his month was up.
James knew, no matter what happened, Remus was going to wind up hurt. But at least he could maybe lessen that a little. If Sirius slept with him and then dumped him – James could only imagine what that would feel like.
That was why James was sitting on his bed, waiting for Sirius in their dorm room.
When his friend eventually entered and closed the door James jumped right in. "Sirius, I can't let you do this."
Sirius started, not realizing he was there. "What are you prattling on about, James?" he said, despite the fact he knew very well.
"The bet. Don't go through with it. Peter was right, this is… it's just cruel, Sirius. We were cruel to make it in the first place."
"You shouldn't have gotten attached, James," he snapped, his voice rising.
"Sirius, this isn't about the sodding bet anymore. It doesn't matter. He's falling for you. I can see that, Peter can see that. You make him happy. He never looked happy before, you know that!" James' voice had risen as well.
Sirius knew that! He knew how awful this was. But if he ended the bet, if he told Remus now – how could the other boy even look at him if Sirius told him the truth?
It occurred to him then, the realization both thrilling and frightening, that he wanted to shag Remus. He wanted to be that close and that intimate with someone – someone that he… cared about.
Bloody hell he cared about Remus Lupin. Very much.
If he ended the bet though, how could he ever be with him? What would people think if he couldn't just write it off as something he was doing for entertainment and twenty galleons?
All of these thoughts made him panic. Which in turn made him angry, because Sirius had never once felt this unsure and out of control in his entire life.
Suddenly the voice of his brother and Snape entered his mind.
"Going to see the mudblood? Mother and Father will be so pleased to hear about that."
"How did your parents take the news you were a ponce then?"
He wasn't a poof! He couldn't afford to be one. People would talk.
"I don't care!" he said in response to James, wishing it didn't hurt so much to say it. "It's a simple bet. Just because he's stupid enough to believe the shite I've been feeding him doesn't mean I'm just going to give up twenty galleons!" It was about the money. That was it.
"Sirius, you can't tell me you don't at least like him as a friend."
"No. I don't." Lie. "I can't stand him." Lie. "I hate spending time with him, he's boring, weird, annoying—" Good, sweet, kind, loving. He shook his head to clear those thoughts.
James sighed. "Look Sirius, I forfeit. You can have the twenty galleons. Please, just break it off gently with him and let's forget it ever happened."
"No," Sirius growled. He couldn't. Not now. "I don't take money unless I earn it. Loony Lupin will be sufficiently shagged before tonight is over."
He stormed to the door before James could say anything else, wrenching it open, only to feel as if the floor had fallen out from under him.
Remus was standing outside the door, clutching a book to his chest as if it was the only thing that still made any sense. Which in a way, it probably was. His head was hung, bangs hiding his eyes from view.
"Remus—" Sirius choked out.
"You don't have to call me that," Remus said midly. He didn't look up. "Loony Lupin… is fine."
After a moment his eyes rose to meet Sirius. He looked so betrayed, so hurt, that Sirius felt as if the emotions Remus was feeling were actually smothering him. He couldn't breathe. And worst of all, there was disappointment there, but not in Sirius. It was as if Remus was disappointed with himself.
"No one's ever said anything like that to me, and – well, you've never really talked to me before last week. Part of me wondered if it wasn't some joke."
"Remus," Sirius said again, taking a step towards him.
Remus bolted, down the stairs and out the portrait hole.
James appeared behind Sirius, staring down the staircase sadly. He hadn't wanted Remus to find out like that. Honestly he'd been hoping the boy wouldn't find out at all. All the cruel things Sirius had said came back to him and he angrily looked toward his friend. "Want to give me my twenty galleons now or later you bloody wanker?" he snapped, pushing his way past Sirius, who hadn't moved, and making his way down the steps.
Remus didn't know where he was running; he just didn't stop. He wanted to cry, but couldn't find any tears. He knew it. He'd known it was too good to be true. Not only Sirius, but James and Peter as well. The whole thing had been a lie. A joke. A bet. And somewhere deep down he'd known.
That didn't stop the burning in his eyes and throat, or the ache in his chest that he knew wasn't from sprinting through the castle.
Eventually he stopped, leaning against the wall and panting for breath. After a few minutes he took in his surroundings, realizing with a groan that he was in the dungeons.
"Well if it isn't Remus Lupin," a smooth, all too familiar voice issued from the shadows.
Remus pulled out his wand quickly. "What do you want, Severus?"
"Just wondering what you're doing down in my neck of the woods," Snape answered silkily, stepping closer. His greasy black hair hung around his face and he was grinning – an action so un-Snape-like it made Remus nervous.
"I'm not in the mood for you, Snape," he said.
"What's wrong, Lupin? Black shag you and dump you? I could have told you he would. No matter what house they're in, Blacks only do things for themselves."
Remus didn't answer, though a brief expression of hurt flittered across his face, giving himself away.
"So it was Black," Snape said, sounding amused. "He give you up for Potter?"
"Shut up, Snape!" Remus said, raising his wand to hex him. Snape was quicker though.
"Expelliarmus!"
Remus' wand was ripped from his grip and he was thrown backwards with the force of the spell, hitting the wall behind him. He slid down it dazedly, having cracked his head quite hard.
Snape walked up to Remus, squatting next to him. Grabbing his chin, he forced the Gryffindor to look at him. "I don't know why you won't let me love you," he said softly, gently running his thumb along Remus' cheekbone.
"Because I don't love you, Severus," Remus murmured. His eyes were a bit glassy, and his vision darkened a little as unconsciousness threatened him.
"And you love that good for nothing Black?" Snape snapped, continuing his menstruations with his fingers, ghosting them down Remus' neck and along his collarbone.
Remus didn't answer, and for a moment it looked as if he'd passed out, but his hand came up and batted Snape's away. "Stop it, Severus."
"Does Black know about your little secret, Lupin?" Snape said.
Remus tensed, looking up at him with eyes that were a bit more alert.
"I know it," Snape continued. "I figured it out. How do you think Black would respond to such information?" His hand ran through Remus' hair. "I know it and I still love you. We're both dark creatures, you see. But Black, could he ever love a monster like you?"
"It doesn't matter anyway," Remus said, once again trying to push Snape's hand away. "He couldn't even love a person like me. Forget the monster." There was a pause as Remus blinked slowly. "How did you find out?"
Perhaps it was his semi-conscious state, but he was taking the news that Snape knew he was a werewolf surprisingly well.
"Watched the lunar chart," Snape said, his wandering hands pulling open the top of Remus' robes. Sliding them off of Remus' shoulder his fingers lightly ran over the many scars that covered the Gryffindor's body. He kissed the largest scar on Remus' shoulder, the fateful one that he'd received when he was only six. "Watched how you acted around silver." He kissed another scar. "It wasn't difficult. I'm surprised Black and Potter never figured it out. They are supposed to be the best and brightest, and they live with you. They never noticed your monthly disappearances? It shows you how wrapped up in themselves they are."
Snape took that moment to kiss Remus, who opened his mouth in protest only to have him shove his tongue in it. What really woke Remus up was that this wasn't Sirius. And that thought brought back everything that had happened before he'd stumbled into the dungeons. As his head cleared slightly he pushed hard at him, breaking the kiss and knocking the Slytherin on his arse. "Get off me, Snape."
He tried to stand but found he was too dizzy. Snape crawled back over to him, grabbing his face in his hands and kissing him again – a hard, bruising kiss that made Remus whimper. He struggled, but Snape had straddled him, pinning him in place.
"Stupefy!"
Snape was suddenly flung off of Remus with the force of the spell and landed next to him, unconscious.
Remus stared at his unmoving form for a while before slowly looking in the direction that the spell had come from. Sirius stood, holding his wand tightly, his face pale against his black locks. They stared at one another for a long moment before Sirius spoke.
"Are you okay?"
Remus nodded, looking away.
"Merlin, Remus," Sirius said breathlessly. Remus looked up to see Sirius staring at the patchwork of scars that marred his shoulder. Remus quickly pulled his robes closed, holding them tightly together.
There was a pause. "Are those – did you do those? As the werewolf?"
Remus' head shot up. Sirius was watching him, an indecipherable expression on his face. With a moan he pulled his knees up to his chest and let his head drop down to hide in them. "How long were you there?" Sirius heard Remus' muffled voice say.
"Long enough," Sirius replied.
Remus sat still for a moment, then slowly stood on shaky legs, using the wall for support. Sirius made a move as if to help him, but then thought better of it. His head was throbbing painfully after being slammed into the wall, and he could hear his pulse pounding in his ears.
"Well, if you'll excuse me," Remus said, drawing himself up with as much dignity as he could muster. He walked over and picked up his wand, then moved to walk by Sirius, wondering if perhaps he could go drown himself in the prefect's bathroom before Moaning Myrtle found him.
"Remus," Sirius said, grabbing his arm as he tried to walk past. "Please… don't go. Those things I said to James," he could feel Remus tense in his grip, "I didn't mean them."
Wrenching his arm from Sirius' grip, Remus turned to face him, glaring. "Listen Black," he spat. Sirius flinched. Remus had never called him that, not even before they'd begun talking. "I will not sleep with you. Just give up and pay James the twenty galleons. Stop trying to use me."
"Remus, that wasn't what I was doing—"
"Then what were you doing? Do you have another bet on now? Ten galleons if you can get me to listen to you?" The tears he couldn't find earlier were suddenly welling up in his eyes, and he turned away, disgusted with his own weakness. "Twenty five if I kiss you?"
Sirius swallowed around the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. He had hurt Remus so badly; it made him ill to think about. He moved without thinking, turning the boy around and pulling him closer, planting a desperate kiss on his lips.
After recovering from the surprise, Remus shoved him away. "Don't touch me."
The lump in Sirius' throat got bigger, and if Remus noticed the shine in his eyes it wasn't enough to change his mind. He turned and walked away without another word. Sirius made no attempt to stop him.
