Thank you all! I do hope you'll continue to enjoy this journey! -AlexisRose
Chapter 13
Fall 1970
"Mother," George smiled, coming over and kissing Mary's cheek. In his hand he held flowers for her, handing them over. Mary took them and nodded for him to take the seat next to her on the porch of the small restaurant.
Every year, on the anniversary of her and Matthew's wedding, she and George did something small, but special. She had started it with him when he was just a child. It had actually been Anna's idea. Anna told her it would be a great special treat for just the two of them, a day to recognize the husband and father of them both. At first, Mary had felt a bit silly taking her young son out for a nice luncheon alone. It was unlike anything she had ever done before. But she ended up loving it. They were able to talk, just the two of them. Of course, the first time they went, George had been young and didn't have much to say. Yet over the years it became such a special memory for them. Even as George married and had children, this date was just their own. They shared everything else: birthdays and holidays, but this was theirs.
"You know," Mary began, much like she did every year, "I still miss your father."
A solemn smile graced her son's lips. Oh he looked so much like Matthew. Mary was glad. Though she knew George was his own person and treated him as such.
"I know you do," he replied with a small nod. "In a way I do too. I miss the man I didn't get to know."
"He adored you." As the memory of Matthew holding George filled her mind, she couldn't help but smile. "Oh, how he was so proud you were his."
The food came and the two of them continued to chat. And it was moments like these that Mary was so grateful for Anna and the way she pushed her after Matthew's death to be a good mother.
1920s- Downton
The world was cold. It was dark and it was gray. Nothing would ever be right again. Her husband, her Matthew, was gone. How, in the space of a moment, could he just leave her like that? They had been so very happy.
She sat on the edge of her bed staring at the curtains that covered the windows. Through the slit, she could see that it was a bright and sunny day, mocking her and all she had lost. Tears sat on the tips of her eyelids, but they wouldn't fall. And so she just sat.
It was difficult for her to do much more than this.
Her door opened and she didn't even turn. It didn't matter who had come in, none of them were Matthew.
"M'lady," Anna's quiet voice came behind her. She stepped over closer to Mary and placed the tray of food beside her. "I know you aren't very hungry, but I do insist you try and eat something."
Anna walked away toward the window and opened the curtains. A flash of light hit Mary's eyes and she quickly shielded them with her hand.
"It's too bright," Mary groaned. She shifted slightly so that the light wouldn't hurt her eyes any longer.
"It's a beautiful day, m'lady," Anna just said, ignoring her comment. It had been a month since Matthew's death. Everyone allowed Mary to mourn in her own way with no pushing or prodding. But she had a feeling that was about to stop. "I was thinking we ought to take the children for a walk outside."
"I don't want to walk," Mary simply replied. She frowned. What would a walk with the children accomplish? George was much better off in the nursery with Nanny. She was not fit to be a mother. She would ensure that he got all he needed, but that was all she could do.
Anna continued to ignore her. "It really is a perfect day for a nice walk. It shouldn't get too hot. Johnny can run in front of us and you can push George in the pram."
At that, Mary jerked her eyes to Anna.
"I'm not going on a walk," she strongly stated. "I have a Nanny for that." Her words and anger behind them didn't even make Anna flinch. Instead, she took the tray from Mary's bed, moved it aside, and sat down.
"Lady Mary, I understand your pain," Anna said. Mary's lips pursed, but she couldn't argue her on that. Anna had lost her husband tragically, as well. Mary had been there every step of the way.
"You do," Mary finally replied. "I know you do."
"But you have to connect with your son, Mary. He is your child. He is your connection that is left of Matthew," Anna implored.
Finally a tear escaped and slipped down her pale cheek. She allowed it to fall, not reaching up to wipe it away. She turned her gaze away from Anna and only shook her head.
"I can't," she whispered. "Please go away."
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Anna truly did understand the pain that Mary was feeling. However, she could not allow Mary to sit in her dark room and ignore her son any longer. The little boy was growing bigger and bigger each day. Mary had already missed important milestones and there would be many more that she would one day hate herself for when she realized what all she had missed out on in her grief.
It was different for Anna. She had time to mourn on her own without Johnny being there. But Mary was a mother now. When one became a mother, things changed. You couldn't allow yourself to remain in your own darkness. No, you had someone else who depended on you.
Anna understood that it was different in this house and many houses like it. There were nannies who raised the children and parents who only spent about an hour a day with their children. But Anna also knew that Matthew and Mary had planned to do this differently and follow in Sybil's footsteps, having a much bigger role in their son's life.
"Nanny," Anna said, stepping inside the nursery. The woman turned and gave Anna a warm smile. Anna did like this nanny. And she noticed a difference in Johnny too. Now the boy was thrilled when he headed to the nursery. He no longer cried when Anna had to leave. Anna still was upset that it took her so long to realize how awful Nanny West had been.
"Yes, Anna?"
"Lady Mary and I are taking our boys for a walk. I'll get Johnny dressed, but will you prepare Master George?"
Nanny's smile fell slightly. Anna could tell that she wasn't quite sure if she was hearing this correctly. It was not a secret that Mary didn't spend any time with her son. But Nanny didn't argue with Anna and only did as she requested.
Anna walked over to Johnny and started assisting him with his hat and shoes.
"Would you like to go on a walk?" His eyes brightened.
"With Mama?"
"Yes, my darling boy, with Mama."
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She was laying in the bed when Anna entered her room with both of the children. George was in her arms and Johnny was right before her grinning wildly. Mary turned away from her.
"Go away."
Anna didn't say anything. Instead, Mary felt a small dip in the bed beside her and heard Anna bustling around the room.
"Here," Anna said, placing a simple black dress at the edge of the bed. "You will wear this and I can pull your hair up into a quick bun. We should leave soon. It'll be Johnny's naptime in an hour."
"I told you I'm not going to walk." She turned slightly to realize that the dip in the bed was her son. He was asleep, wrapped up in a blanket. Mary swallowed hard. He was a beautiful child. Hesitantly, her hand reached out to touch his cheek. Her breath hitched within her throat.
"He needs his mother, m'lady. You are the parent he has left in the world. Who will teach him about Matthew?"
Mary didn't answer. But she did get up and allow Anna to dress her for the walk. The baby fussed when Mary left the bed, so Anna worked quickly. Once she was finished, she lifted the baby and placed him right into Mary's arms, before she could even protest.
Her heart ached, but in a way that said it was so full of love. Of course she loved George. He was her son; he was all she had left of Matthew. Another tear slipped down her cheek. The moment he had been placed into her arms, the little boy had soothed himself back to sleep. Did he know she was his mother even though she had abandoned him for his first month of life?
Mary didn't have long to dwell on this, because Anna was nearly pushing them out the door.
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Anna had done it. She nearly had the four of them outside. As they approached the front door, they passed Cora. She did a double take when she noticed Mary holding the baby.
"We're taking the boys on a walk," Anna informed Cora, who responded with a pleased nod. Anna was sure that was the first time in a long while when Cora was happy that Anna was at the house.
Anna didn't think on it too long and instead continued leading Johnny and Mary outside. There was already a pram waiting for them. She assisted Mary on placing George into the pram and then took a hold of Johnny's hand.
After they had walked for a while, Mary finally spoke.
"I do want to be a good mother."
Anna moved closer to Mary and placed her hand on her shoulder. "You will be," she promised. "Your pain is very real and shouldn't be ignored. But allow George to help you ease that pain, my lady. He is your gift in all of this tragedy. You will never forget Mr. Crawley, I know that to be true. You loved him and he loved you, so very much. That is a love that not many will get to experience and you and I did. But with that comes great pain with the loss of them. You've been given George. Mr. Crawley would want you to spend as much time as possible with your son.'
A small sob escaped Mary's lips and Anna brought her arm around her, pulling her closer and allowing Mary to let it all out against her shoulder.
"That's right, let it out," Anna encouraged.
Mary cried until George and Johnny grew fussy and tired. She stood and wiped her face, meeting Anna's eyes.
"I don't know how much I can do," she admitted.
"We'll start slow and grow from there."
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And that was what they did. Over the next few weeks, Anna brought the boys into Mary's room promptly after breakfast. The four of them went for walks, or if the weather was ugly, they stayed in the room, but Mary enjoyed her time with her son. It was helpful to have Anna there to help her weather parenting. Matthew had assured her that parenting would come easy to Mary, but it hadn't. She didn't know if it was her nature or because of her heartbreak, but it was difficult.
But Anna was there for her every step of the way. She encouraged Mary to go by the nursery and rock George or read him a book. It was she who taught her how to change a nappy. It was not something Mary ever intended on doing. They did hire staff to do that sort of thing. However, one day, she and Anna had been alone in the nursery when George needed a change. Anna refused to change him and told her she should do it. It was not Mary's favorite thing and she doubted she would rush to do it again, but she did now know how to change one.
Anna had been right about George helping to ease the pain. Her heart still ached and it didn't make her miss Matthew any less. In fact, there were moments where it made her miss him more. Because these were moments that they should have shared together. However, having George was a gift, Anna was very right about that. She cherished every moment she spent with him, even on the days when Anna still had to drag her out of bed.
This night, Anna was pulling the pins from Mary's bun and her fingers raked through her hair. Mary's eyes closed, enjoying the feeling. Anna was always so very careful with her locks. It wasn't like her nanny, who had nearly ripped her hair out combing through the knots.
"I've been thinking, Anna."
"What about?" Anna asked, dropping the comb back onto the vanity in front of Mary.
"Do you remember our ride on the ship?" Anna smiled.
"How can I forget that, m'lady? It's not every day I go to America."
"Do you remember when you had nightmares?"
"I do," Anna whispered, her brows furrowing slightly. Mary wondered if Anna still had them. She wouldn't know, not anymore. Anna was so far away from her at night.
"I have them now too. I was wondering…" Mary paused, before turning to face Anna. "When I slept in your bed, it helped you. Perhaps, we could try that again."
"You'd come and sleep upstairs?" Anna attempted to tease, though Mary could hear the uncomfortableness in her voice. It would not be the same here at the Abbey. On the ship, the two had been sharing the room. No one knew what happened behind closed doors, nor did they care. This was a very different situation.
"Of course not," Mary shook her head. "You could sleep in here, with me. It is quite lonely without him. It takes me ages to fall asleep. Maybe if you were here, I would sleep better."
"I don't know," Anna hesitantly said. "What would everyone say? Surely this wouldn't be allowed."
"No one has to know. You are my lady's maid. There are plenty of reasons why you could be leaving my bedroom at any hour of the day. No one enters my room once I go to bed."
Anna took in a shuddering breath, but before she could say anything else, Mary grabbed her hands.
"Please, Anna, please. Can't we try it for just one night?"
Anna nodded. "Alright. One night and that's all."
To be continued...
Thank you for reading! We are growing closer to Winter of 1970. I can tell you this story will end after Summer 1971 if that gives you an idea of how far we have to go on our journey. Thanks again!
