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Chapter 18
1920s Downton Abbey
At most, she had probably gotten twenty or so minutes of uninterrupted sleep throughout the night. Nightmares plagued her every time she tried to close her eyes. Eventually she gave up on sleep and just sat curled up against the head of her bed. She felt numb, but also dirty.
When she climbed out of her bed, she realized just how much pain she was in. Every bone in her body ached from how he had forced her down the hallway and threw her against the floor. But with each step, she felt the harshest of the pains down below, making her bite her lip to keep from crying out in pain.
As quietly as possible, Anna made her way to the end of the hall where the small bathroom was for the girl servants. It wasn't much, but it did have a bathtub. No one would be up for hours, outside of the ones who worked in the kitchens. She had to use a pump to fill the tub and the water was cool, but it was better than nothing.
Once it was filled, she stepped inside of the water and immersed herself as best as possible. Then she took a flannel, covered it in soap, and scrubbed every inch of her body. It didn't matter how hard she scrubbed it though, the pain and the memories were still there. She would never be able to wash all of shame off of herself.
She knew she couldn't stay in the tub long. So she got out and covered herself, dripping against the floor. She had no time to dwell on any of it. It was time to get dressed and move on with her day. Dwelling on what happened wouldn't change it. It was done.
She got dressed and made her way down to the nursery. The past few days had been so busy that she hadn't been able to spend time with her Johnny and she needed to see him, she needed to hold him. Entering the nursery, Nanny immediately widened her eyes.
"Anna, are you…."
"I fell," Anna just simply stated, shaking her head. "If it's alright, I'd like a few minutes with Johnny before I have to go downstairs." Nanny nodded, still unsure. She went back to tending to George and allowed Anna some time alone with her son. She lifted the little boy from his bed and he smiled up at her. However, the moment he grew closer to her face, he frowned. His little hand touched her chin.
"Mama hurt?"
"Yes, darling," she murmured, walking him over to the rocking chair. "But I will be alright."
Johnny was her one comfort through all of this. She could be with him and not have to hide. He was oblivious to the horrors of this world and so he wouldn't know what terrors had happened to his mother. And so she rocked him.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Mary had barely slept a wink all night. She fretted over Anna and what had happened to her. Several times, she wanted to go back upstairs and just sit with Anna. She wouldn't push, but she wanted to be near her. She needed to be able to show her support.
The dog from Matthew sat on her vanity and she lifted it up, pressing it against her chest and closing her eyes. Why was the world so cruel? Hadn't Anna been through enough?
She decided that this particular morning she would dress herself and go and speak to Mrs. Hughes about Anna taking a few days off. Anna did give away that Mrs. Hughes knew of what happened, so she was sure that she would agree. Mrs. Hughes also cared for Anna.
Running her hand over her face, a sob escaped her lips and tears she hadn't known she had been holding onto slipped down her cheeks in waves of grief. Her heart was broken, yet again.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-
When Anna reached downstairs, she realized she would have to face him. She didn't know why it hadn't occurred to her before this moment. Her stomach lurched, but she pressed herself forward telling herself that she had no choice in the matter. Everything had to be as though nothing had happened.
Turning into the servant's hall, she was immediately noticed by Thomas. He made a comment about her appearance and she could feel all of the eyes on her. She ducked her head and Mrs. Hughes was quick to tell Thomas to leave Anna alone. There was an empty seat beside Mrs. Hughes, so Anna made her way over to sit by her. She could smell the food in front of her and she wasn't sure how she would be able to eat any of it. Her stomach was doing summersaults. He was right there.
"I thought perhaps you'd rest today," Mrs. Hughes whispered to her. But Anna just shook her head.
"I'd much rather work, thank you." Her words were curt. She glanced up and met his eyes, a chill ran up her spine and she jerked herself upwards. "I…I'd better go up."
Mrs. Hughes didn't dare to try and get her to stay, so Anna was able to rush out of breakfast. Though when she reached the stairs, she realized she didn't know where she could go. She didn't want to go to Mary's room, nor her own. She would need to find something to keep her busy until the bell rang for her to go on up.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
After breakfast, Mary sat alone in the library, lost in her thoughts. All morning she had tried to find Anna, but it seemed she had been avoiding her. Though, she hadn't tried to ring for her or ask directly for her. She didn't want to force Anna to see her, not yet, if she wasn't ready. But she had still tried searching for her in their secret spots, hoping she'd find Anna waiting for her.
"Ah, there you are," Tom broke her from her thoughts. She sat up and gave him a weak smile.
"Were you searching for me?"
"Yes, I have heard from the tax people. They had a cancellation."
"What?" It took a moment for Mary to connect what Tom was speaking about, because all she could think about was Anna.
"The tax people," he repeated, eyeing her carefully. "Are you alright, Mary?" He seemed genuinely concerned. Mary pressed her smile to be brighter and nodded.
"Yes, of course, I am. The tax people, right. What did they say?"
"They have a cancellation so they can see us on Wednesday at noon."
Mary sat up and pursed her lips together. Despite what had happened, she did need to still focus on the plans for Downton.
"Alright, well, if it's at noon, we should probably leave tomorrow," Mary stated. "I don't want us to be late."
"I agree," Tom replied. Mary wondered if Anna would be up for the trip and if she would go along with her. "Is everything alright?" Tom questioned her. "I can go alone if…"
"No," Mary said. "I need to come along too. Downton is in my care. Thank you, Tom. I'll tell Papa of our plans and insist he needn't come along. It's probably best you and I figure out all of the details and then come and tell him when we return."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
It was after lunch that Mary finally rang for Anna. Earlier she had sought out Mrs. Hughes, who had only told her that Anna insisted she wanted to work. The two ladies hadn't spoken long, but Mary should have asked her more questions, like if she knew who hurt Anna.
When Anna entered the bedroom, it was obvious that everything had changed within the space of a day. She was quiet and withdrawn, her eyes downcast to the floor. Mary walked to her, reaching out to touch at her hand. But Anna stepped back and inhaled sharply.
"I've missed you today," Mary began, her lips curling up into a soft smile. "I missed you all night. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Fine, m'lady," Anna murmured. She took in a shaky breath, but kept her eyes glued to the floor.
"Anna, in here I am Mary," Mary stated, heartbroken. "You are my closest friend."
Anna didn't respond, nor did she meet Mary's eyes. Instead, she walked further into the room and over to Mary's wardrobe, where she would pick out Mary's outfit for that evening. Mary watched, not knowing what to say. There were so many words that needed to be said and yet, Mary couldn't find them. She felt lost, unable to help.
"Could you speak with me about it?" She tried. Anna's head only shook. "I only want to help."
Anna's body was rigid, almost as though she were waiting for another attack.
"Who did this? Please, tell me, Anna."
"It doesn't matter," Anna replied, with no emotion in her voice. "It's happened and it's over."
"It does matter," Mary disagreed. "It matters because this house is supposed to be safe. People in our home are supposed to be safe. I need to know….please, Anna."
But Anna didn't say another word. Instead, she continued searching through the wardrobe, never looking straight at Mary. Mary followed the traditions of getting ready, her eyes continually pleading for Anna to speak with her. When she realized she wouldn't, Mary just sighed.
As she sat at the vanity, Mary kept her eyes on Anna's face.
"I have to go to London tomorrow," she began. "I would love for you to come with me, Anna. We could go to dinner, do something fun."
"Would you see Lord Gillingham?" Anna's voice was tired and tight. Mary curled her lips downward.
"I don't know…probably not, why?"
Anna just shook her head, "No reason."
"Anna, please speak with me," Mary implored, turning around to face Anna.
"I…I can't," she whispered.
"Not even with me?" Mary hated how desperate she sounded.
"Not even with you," Anna quietly said, still looking away. "And I think it's best I stay here. I don't want to leave Johnny right now."
"Right," Mary replied, trying to smile. She felt this deep need to plead with Anna to speak with her. This wasn't who they were. But she calmed herself and just gave Anna a weary smile. "Will you keep an eye on George for me?"
"Of course, m'lady."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Later that afternoon, Mrs. Hughes pulled Anna into her parlor. The poor girl walked around disconnected from the world. She didn't know how she could make this better for Anna, but she felt as though it was her duty to protect her. Ever since Mr. Bates' had been tried and convicted, Mrs. Hughes knew it was her job to care for Anna now. She had always been a motherly figure to the girl, but that had only grown.
When Anna stepped into the room, she huffed, as though she was slightly inconvenienced. Mrs. Hughes only ignored it and offered Anna a seat, but Anna shook her head.
"I'd rather stand, if that's alright." Again her tone was sharp.
"Alright," Mrs. Hughes replied. "I only wanted to check in with you. If you need to speak about any of this, I am here for you."
"I don't."
"Well, I'm here if you change your mind, Anna. This wasn't your fault. You did nothing…"
"I know exactly why this happened and I deserved it," Anna broke in, her hands clinching into fists. Mrs. Hughes let out a loud gasp of surprise.
"Absolutely not, Anna! You did nothing to deserve this! Nothing!" She implored. She reached out for Anna's hands and was grateful when Anna didn't jerk away. "Perhaps you should go with Lady Mary tomorrow to London. I can keep an eye on Johnny. Getting away could maybe give you a break from it." It was then that Anna met her eyes.
"There can be no break from it," Anna eerily stated, before turning away and leaving the parlor.
Mrs. Hughes tightened her hands and brought them in front of her mouth. She began to turn around, but Lady Mary entered the parlor a moment later. Mrs. Hughes dropped her hands and took in a deep breath.
"Yes, Lady Mary, how can I help you?"
Lady Mary closed the door behind her and then stood, silently for a moment. Her face was hard to read, but Mrs. Hughes could make out the pain on her features. It was no secret that Lady Mary cared for Anna. Over the past couple of years since Mr. Bates' death, Lady Mary had taken great care of both Anna and Johnny. It was clear that she and Lady Mary were the two who cared for Anna the most in this house. And at this moment, they both had similar concerns for the person they both cared about.
"Do you know who did this, Mrs. Hughes?" Lady Mary then asked.
"I…I have my suspicions," Mrs. Hughes carefully answered. Anna had not told her outright who had attacked her, but Mrs. Hughes had seen that snake, Mr. Green, sneaking down the stairs around the same time she had.
Lady Mary nodded, her eyes shining with tears. It was in this moment that Mrs. Hughes saw just how much this was affecting Lady Mary.
"Anna, well, she has barely spoken to me, but she did…well, when I told her I was going to London, she asked if I was going to see Lord Gillingham. At first, that didn't mean much to me, but then…" Her words faded. She shook her head. "I don't believe it's him, but…."
"Yes, m'lady," Mrs. Hughes said.
"Oh my god!" Mary gasped as it hit her harshly, covering her mouth with her hand. "His…his man?! His valet?!"
"Yes, I believe so," Mrs. Hughes calmly replied.
An angry tear slid down Mary's cheek.
"Well, he won't be returning," Mary then said determinedly. "I won't allow it." She harshly wiped at her wet cheeks. Then her face softened. "Please keep an eye on Anna while I'm gone."
"Of course, m'lady. I will."
Winter 1970
When Mary made it to their bedroom that night, she saw Anna sitting on a chair by the door. Maebh had already made sure they had both taken their medicines and told them goodnight. She really was the best nurse to have in the house, because she allowed them to do their own things and didn't get in the way.
Mary walked over toward Anna and bent over, kissing her cheek.
"Darling, are you alright after today?" Anna touched Mary's cheek, pulling her closer for another kiss.
"I am," she promised her. Mary smiled at Anna and brushed her nose against Anna's.
"You've always been the strong one," Mary told Anna. Anna chuckled.
"I've always thought you were. But I'm glad we have one another." Mary slipped her hand from Anna's cheek and went to sit down next to her.
"Me too, darling, me too."
To be continued...
