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Chapter 19

Winter 1970

Violet was a precocious child. In many ways, she was told she was a lot like her mother had been when she was younger. She slipped below the butler's arm and ran into the big house, ignoring his calls after her. Today, her gran was supposed to tell her a story. Her gran's stories were her favorite.

Her mother and sisters would be following behind her soon, but she had little patience to wait for them. Why was everyone so slow?

But when she turned the corner, she found her granny laying on the couch with her cousin Maebh sitting next to her and wiping her brow with a cloth.

"Granny" Violet questioned, carefully stepping forward.

Maebh turned toward Violet and gave her a smile, before gently touching her shoulders and turning her away from her granny.

"Your granny had a spell, go on out for a moment."

Violet twisted against Maebh's grasp.

"Will she be alright? Granny! Where's Gran?"

"What's going on here?" Pippa questioned, stepping into the big hall.

"Cousin Pippa," Maebh greeted. "Your mother has had a spell. She'll be alright, but I think it's best if the children don't crowd her right now."

"Can I see her?" Pippa questioned.

"Of course."

"But Mummy, where's Gran?" Violet asked, as she and her sisters were told to go into the library.

"Good question, where is Mama?"

"Asleep," Maebh quickly answered.

"Right," Pippa replied. "Alright girls, just stay in here for a moment, while I check on your granny."

Violet ignored the request and the attempts of her sisters to stay behind. Instead, as quiet as a mouse, she slipped through the door and poked her head around the corner to see her mum sitting beside her granny and whispering to Maebh.

"Is it getting worse?" Her mum whispered.

"Today has not been a good day," Maebh answered, "but the medicines do seem to be working."

"Anna!" Her granny then called out, attempting to sit up. Maebh gently pushed her back down against the couch.

"She's alright," she promised her. "I'll bring her down when she's done with her nap. Now, rest now. That's an order."

Maebh walked away, leaving Pippa and Mary alone.

"Ah, my darling girl," Mary whispered, touching Pippa's cheek.

"You have to stop pushing yourself, Mother."

"You know me. I'm not built like that."

1920s London

"Mary, what a surprise to see you here," Tony brightly greeted, upon seeing Mary enter his home. "Didn't we just see one another?"

"We need to talk," Mary just said, not falling for his attempts at charming her. He looked flustered for a moment, before smiling once more.

"Of course. Why don't we go to my office? We'll need some tea," he informed the butler. Mary wanted to say that she could do without the tea, but decided not to say anything more to Tony until they were alone in his office.

Tony led the way and offered her a seat, closing the door behind them.

"You told me you weren't fond of your man," Mary began, pursing her lips together. Tony was confused.

"My man? You mean Green?" He chuckled. "No, not quite fond of him, really, but he does the job. Why?"

"What about him don't you like?" Mary continued to question. She had to know just how much Tony knew about his valet.

"I'm not sure. He has an air about him," Tony stated. "And, well, there have been some complaints."

"Complaints?"

Tony waved his hands. "Just from some maids when we've visited some acquaintances."

"And what were these complaints?" Mary was trying to calm the anger that was bubbling beneath her skin.

"I'm not sure, they weren't said to me. Green only said some of the maids didn't like him, that he was too charming." Tony shook his head. "Why? What does Green have to do with anything?"

Mary had many things she wanted to say, but at the end of the day, she had to protect Anna above everything else. Telling Tony what happened to her would go against her trust. She knew how much Anna didn't want others to know.

"There isn't anything here between us, Tony," Mary then said. "You are not welcome at Downton anymore." He opened his mouth to speak, but Mary stood, grabbing her purse to say the conversation was over. "And, I suggest you look into why there were so many complaints about Mr. Green. You say you don't like him, but you drag that filth everywhere you go." She turned then and left the house.

Downton Abbey

Anna continued to rock Johnny. He was her one light in the darkness that surrounded her now. It was a darkness she was unsure she would ever be able to escape. She was now on autopilot, trying to work and spend time with Johnny, attempting anything and everything that would make her mind stop going back to that horrible place. But nothing worked. It haunted her.

She checked the clock on the wall and saw it was nearing Johnny's naptime and her lunchtime. Nanny would want her to leave soon so she could put the children down for their respective naps. But Nanny was very kind to Anna, always had been since she'd been hired, and she would never outright kick Anna out of the nursery. However, Anna didn't want to impede on the schedule. She kissed Johnny's cheek and walked him over to the toys. Setting him down, she ignored the pain that was deep in her bones. Pain, she was unsure would ever heal.

"Be good for Nanny," she whispered. She turned and rushed out of the room, because Johnny's calls for her to stay broke her heart into tinier shreds.

Anna didn't want to eat. Over the past twenty-four hours or so, she had been living off water and some bites of crackers. So she had no reason to go down and eat lunch. With Lady Mary gone to London, Anna needed to find different things to fill her day. Despite Mrs. Hughes' protests, she took on many of the maids' smaller tasks, anything that could keep her busy. Anything to keep her from going completely insane.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary stood at the front door of Downton Abbey and her heart ached for Anna. This had been the longest the two had been apart in a long while. The entire time she had been away, her thoughts had been with Anna.

"Lady Mary?" Carson questioned, his eyes settling on her. Mary pushed out a smile.

"Hello, Carson, it's good to be home."

Mary made her way straight up to her bedroom and immediately rang the bell. If she was right, Anna should be downstairs and able to come up. However, if she was in the nursery, Mrs. Hughes would send someone else up to Mary. It was a rule she had made years ago. Anna was not to be stolen out of the nursery to tend to Mary.

Though she did hope that Anna was free. She needed to see her.

When the door to the room opened, Mary was happy to see that it was Anna. Her brows though were set and her shoulders curved in, making her unapproachable.

"Yes, m'lady," Anna said, keeping her eyes downcast at the floor.

"Anna," Mary breathed, stepping closer. "How are you?" The moment those words came out, she inwardly cursed herself. They sounded so weak and in a way, pleading. She had meant to be stronger for Anna, to show that she was someone Anna could trust and lean on during this dark time.

"Fine, m'lady. How can I help you?" Anna's words were curt.

"Oh Anna, please call me Mary. We're here, alone."

"I'd rather not," Anna whispered, her brows knitting and head shaking.

"But Anna…."

"Is there anything you need?"

"I need you to speak with me Anna. I need you to let me in," the words flew out of Mary's lips. She could usually be in control, but she felt so helpless in this moment. Anna let out a breath.

"If there's nothing else, m'lady, I should probably…." Anna stepped back, but Mary grasped at her hands and bent down so that Anna had to meet her eyes.

"Please, Anna, let me help. I know this is difficult; I know you've been hurt in the worst way imaginable, but I need you to know that it was not your fault."

Anna tugged her hands away from Mary, her lips tightening in anger.

"It was my fault," Anna replied. "He must have seen the darkness in me-just like my stepfather did when I was younger."

Mary's ears perked up and she felt her chest tighten. "Your stepfather? Anna, there is no darkness in you. You are the purest person I know!"

"There is. And this, whatever it was, is done," Anna replied. "I am your maid and you are the lady. We are nothing else and we will never be anything else again."

"But Anna, you…"

"Can I go?" Anna's jaw was set. Mary swallowed hard.

"Yes, you may go." It felt weird giving Anna such permissions. Over the past couple of years, they had been friends and Mary rarely treated her like this.

Anna quickly exited the room and Mary fell against the bed, covering her face within her hands. It was then the tears began to fall.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Weeks passed and Anna moved as if she was in limbo. She couldn't find a way out of this new space she lived within. There was no happiness with the exception of Johnny. But even when she was with him, she didn't feel like she was completely there.

Some of that time was filled with helping Lady Grantham while she was between lady's maids. Anna had to admit she liked being pushed to the brim with work. It made her so tired that when bedtime came, she was able to sleep. But Lady Grantham had Ms. Baxter now. Anna was back to tending only to Mary.

"Anna?" Mrs. Hughes whispered, pulling her from her thoughts as she scrubbed a shoe in the boot room. She glanced up and inhaled sharply. Then she walked over to where Mrs. Hughes was. Her eyes were full of concern and worry.

"Yes?"

"I have some time off this afternoon. I thought, perhaps, you and I could take Johnny into the village," she offered.

"I have too much to do," Anna just replied. The disappointment was clear on Mrs. Hughes' face. The older woman inhaled sharply and blinked harshly.

"We should go," she pressed.

"No," Anna whispered.

"Anna, you are stuck within this veil of shadows, don't you want to get better? Don't you want to be happy again?" That struck a chord within Anna.

"Do you think this is fun for me, Mrs. Hughes? Do you think I enjoy it?"

"Of course not, Anna…."

"I don't want to go into the village with you. I just want to be left bloody well alone." She'd snapped and she knew that if anyone else had heard it would be talked about all downstairs. Anna pushed her way out of the room and rushed upstairs to see Johnny. She just needed to see Johnny.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Over the past several weeks, Mary had kept herself busy with the estate. Tom had proved to be invaluable when it came to having him on her side. He, Sybil, and Sybbie spent a lot of time with her and George and she did enjoy it. But it didn't make her miss Anna nor Johnny any less. While she saw Johnny in the nursery, it wasn't the same as their daily adventures around the estate.

"Lady Mary?" Mrs. Hughes questioned, making Mary glance up from her desk where she was writing down a few of her notes. Mary paused what she was doing and stood, turning to the housekeeper.

"Yes?"

"I…well, I've come to you because I am worried about Anna." At that, Mary could only nod. She, too, was worried.

"I don't know what to do for her, Mrs. Hughes." Vulnerability came out in her words and if she were speaking with anyone else, she may have been ashamed. But Mrs. Hughes and she had an understanding when it came to Anna. They both cared about her. They both wanted the best for her.

"I'm afraid I don't either, but she trusts you, Lady Mary. I know you two have crossed the bounds from Lady and maid to one of friendship. Maybe she needs you to push her back into the land of the living," Mrs. Hughes said. Mary twisted her lips. Anna had done that for her. Was it not her turn?

"I can try," was all Mary could say in response, because she had no idea how she could force Anna to live again.

"Good, that's all I ask. Thank you, m'lady."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary waited patiently for Anna to arrive that evening, but her heart was telling another story. It raced heavily in her chest. She did have a plan. However, she was not sure how it would go. There was a very good chance that Anna could hate her once this was done. But if it brought back the spark in Anna, then it would be worth it.

A moment later, Anna entered. As she did every time now, Anna's eyes were focused anywhere but on Mary. Her body was tight and her hands fidgeted in front of her.

"Are you ready to undress?" Anna asked, stepping forward. But Mary shook her head.

"I've rung you up to talk."

"I don't want to talk," Anna harshly replied. "And if that's all, I'd like to go, please."

"No, I won't dismiss you," Mary stubbornly stated. Anna crossed her arms over her chest.

"Alright," Anna bit.

Mary took in a deep breath. She knew this wouldn't be easy, but it had to be done.

"There is not darkness in you, Anna," Mary began. Anna only shifted on her feet. "You are not dark." Anna didn't respond. "What happened to you was not your fault."

Anna inhaled sharply, her eyes studying the floor beneath her.

"I know whose fault it is," Mary added. That made Anna look up. "Bates."

Anna thinned her lips, but didn't respond.

"He got himself hanged. If he had been here, he could have protected you." Mary had realized that to get Anna back, she had to get her to let the anger out that she had been holding in. She was taking a big chance by bringing up Bates, but Mary knew that if anyone tried to put the blame on her dead husband she would lose it. This had to work. She was counting on it.

"How dare you," Anna growled.

"What? He got himself hanged; he left you all alone to raise his son. He left you vulnerable to the likes of Green."

"He was innocent! How dare you!" Anna now yelled. "It was not his fault. He loved me. He…he didn't want to leave me!'

"No," Mary quietly agreed. "But it must be his fault."

"It's not!'

"Well, then whose is it, Anna?" Mary pushed. "It's not yours; it's not Bates. Is it mine?"

"No…." She shook her head.

"Maybe it is mine. You say you have a darkness in you, then don't I, as well?"

"No, no," Anna was breaking among the seams. Mary knew she needed to push a bit harder.

"I'm the one who started the kissing, so it's my fault then. My darkness made you dark."

"Stop it!" Anna yelled. She grabbed a small object from the table by the door and slung it across the room. It didn't deter Mary.

"Or maybe, it was Mrs. Hughes."

"Stop it!" Anna cried again, she grabbed another small object and threw it. Mary only stepped closer to Anna.

"Whose fault was it, Anna? It wasn't yours, it wasn't Bates, it wasn't mine, it wasn't Mrs. Hughes. Whose was it?"

Anna had a third object in her hand, but instead of throwing it, she crumbled to the ground. Harsh sobs passed through her lips.

"It was his," she sobbed. Mary's face fell and she went to the ground with Anna, holding her tightly in her arms.

"Yes," she quietly agreed. "It was his and only his, Anna." Anna continued to cry harshly and Mary held her, allowing Anna just to cry. "Oh Anna, I'm so sorry."


To be continued...

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