You all continue to bless me with such kindness, thank you. I know this story is tough right now. Part 2 is definitely the most difficult part of the story. While there will be drama in the other parts, I can promise after you make it through part 2 the rest will feel much lighter. Thank you again. :)


Chapter 21

Winter 1970

Anna was in a right and fidgety state. Mary could feel the tears stinging her eyes. Every day this got harder; every day she could feel Anna slipping away from her. The lucid moments seemed to be moving further and further apart. Mary didn't know what she would do the day Anna no longer recognized her.

"Anna," she murmured, taking her hands within her own. Their eyes met. Anna's breaths began to calm. "Come on, darling, it's time for bed."

"I…I don't understand," Anna cried, breaking Mary's heart.

"It's alright. You are here, with me." Mary led Anna to the bed. She pulled up the covers and then went to lay on the other side of her. Gently, she began rubbing her back, before she sang,

"Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly

Lavender's green

When I am king, dilly, dilly

You shall be queen:

Who told you so, dilly, dilly

Who told you so?

'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly

That told me so."

Mary glanced over to see Anna's face. She was asleep. Taking a deep breath, Mary kissed Anna's cheek, before curling her arms around Anna and falling asleep with her.

1920s- Downton Abbey

Anna woke up to Thomas lifting her from a cot on Mrs. Hughes' parlor floor. She twisted her head and she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Thomas is taking you up to Matthew's study, Anna," Mary explained. "You fainted."

Anna wanted to protest and say she could walk herself, but she was tired. Instead, her head fell against Thomas' chest. He walked her upstairs with Mary following behind them. Then she was placed into the bed and Thomas left Mary and Anna alone.

Anna felt a dip in the mattress, as Mary sat down beside her.

"I feel so foolish," Anna confessed, covering her face with her hands. "I've made a scene downstairs."

"Don't be silly," Mary gently said. She pulled Anna's hands from her face to make her meet her eyes. "You aren't feeling well, Anna, and it's not surprising with how much you have been overworking yourself. And you haven't been sleeping."

"But…"

"Shh," Mary soothed. Then her lips pursed into a thin line. "Anna," Mary carefully began. "When…when was your last cycle?"

It took a moment for Anna to understand what Mary was asking. When it hit her, her body tensed. When was her last cycle? Had she….?

"Oh my god!" Anna cried out, covering her mouth. "No, no…NO!" Had she not been through enough? What was the universe punishing her for? Mary's hand was sitting on her shoulder, attempting to offer her support. But everything was falling around Anna. "What…what am I going to do? I can't…" Her breaths came out in uneven pants. A child…she was pregnant with a child. Her very first thought was that she wanted to die. But then her thoughts went to Johnny and she began to cry.

"Anna," Mary said, gathering her hands into her own. "We don't know, not yet. Perhaps, you are just tired and overworked. But if you are…." Mary paused. "I think we should go to the doctor to find out for sure and then go from there."

Pushing herself up and away from Mary's grasp, Anna shook her head strongly.

"No! I am not seeing a doctor. I….I'm not doing that! I….." She pressed the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. The world was closing in on her. A baby. She couldn't have his baby.

A sudden rush of nausea hit Anna and she ran from the bed, straight to the toilet. The vomit harshly left her lips and tore at her stomach. It came in waves, over and over, until she fell against the wall.

It was then that she felt Mary sliding down to sit next to her. Mary's hand rested on Anna's knee, but she didn't say anything. She allowed Anna the space to digest this new information. Soft tears slid down her cheeks.

"I don't know if I can handle any more of this," Anna confessed, her words heavy. "I'm so very tired, Mary."

Mary's arm came around Anna's shoulders and she rested her forehead against Anna's temple. It was a simple gesture, but it made Anna feel not so alone. Mary's free hand rubbed up and down Anna's arm.

"We don't know, not for sure," she repeated. "I have a doctor in London, Dr. Ryder. He uses discretion and doesn't need to know the details. But once we know, then we can go from there."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The trip was planned right away. Mary made the arrangements and for Anna and Mary to stay at a hotel instead of her aunt Rosamund's. With Mrs. Hughes and Mary's encouragement, Anna agreed to leave Johnny for the night. It would be her first time leaving him. Generally on trips, Anna insisted that she either stay behind or take Johnny with her. But this was not a typical trip.

"Johnny will be fine," Mrs. Hughes promised her. "I will keep an eye on him. He has Nanny, who adores him, and Mr. Carson, and even Thomas." It was true that as time had moved forward that Thomas ended up growing fond of Johnny. "Try to get some rest, Anna. Perhaps, you can do something you enjoy."

Anna scoffed. "My worst fear has happened, how could I possibly rest or even enjoy myself?" Mrs. Hughes shifted uneasily on her feet, but attempted to give Anna a small smile.

"It's going to be alright."

"But it's not," Anna disagreed. "Nothing will ever be right again."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The ride to London was quiet. Mary bought them both first class tickets and the two sat beside one another. While there were chatters around them, the row with them was terribly quiet. Anna's eyes remained stuck on the window. Anytime that Mary attempted to speak with Anna, she would only shrug her shoulders or give short answers.

"Anna, since we won't be seeing the doctor until tomorrow after lunch, I thought we might go out to dinner tonight and see a show. Wouldn't that be nice?" Mary tried. It had been years since Anna and Mary had been able to do something like that together. The last time they did such a thing was when they were in America.

"I just want to stay in," Anna whispered. Mary's lips curled downwards, but she also bobbed her head in understanding. This was heavy. Once the doctor confirmed the pregnancy, their lives would be forever changed. It was 1920 and Anna was stuck between hard choices, none of which were to her benefit.

They arrived in London by mid-afternoon. Mary had someone help with their luggage and they grabbed a car to the hotel. It made more sense to stay away from anyone they knew. Staying at Aunt Rosamund's would come with questions and a sense of duty. Aunt Rosamund might want to take Mary out for dinner and would possibly invite guests over. No, Anna needed to be where she could rest and they had no one prying in on their conversations.

At the hotel, Mary unpacked their luggage. Anna only sat in the chair, staring off in the distance. Her cheeks were pale and sunk in. Mary was losing her again. This was a major setback. She prayed the doctor would tell them they were wrong. This might just kill Anna.

"We could go for a walk," Mary offered. "I know you said you wanted to stay in, but the weather is nice. The fresh air could help you clear your head."

"I'm alright," Anna murmured. Walking over toward Anna, Mary knelt down in front of her. She touched Anna's knee and offered her a small smile, when Anna's eyes moved to hers.

"We will figure this out, Anna," Mary promised. "I won't let you go it alone." Anna took in a shaky breath.

"I just….I want to be left alone for a while."

Mary wanted to argue, but decided it would be best to do as Anna requested. She stood and gave Anna a supportive squeeze on her shoulder, before walking over to the other side of the room and picking up a book to read.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

They arrived at the doctor's office a little early. Mary could tell how restless Anna was. The poor woman hadn't slept a wink the night before, pacing the room back and forth and muttering under her breath. She feared what this appointment might bring.

"Mrs. Bates?" The nurse called out. Anna stood and Mary stood with her. "We generally only see the patient," the nurse told them.

"I'm going with her," Mary said, leaving no room for disagreements. There was no way that Mary was going to have Anna all alone in that room with a man she didn't know. Even though Mary knew she could trust Dr. Ryder, she knew that Anna wouldn't be able to handle it.

The nurse, unamused, just sighed, "Very well. Please follow me."

It was a nice examination room, very similar to the one that Mary had been in when being examined for her fertility issues. They were left alone at first. Anna was told that she would need to remove her dress and pull up her slip to over her belly.

As Anna undressed, her entire body shook. Mary came toward her and assisted her, before meeting her eyes.

"I'll be right here. I will hold your hand through the entire process. It shouldn't take too long," she promised. They were only here to determine whether or not Anna was pregnant. If she was pregnant, she would be thirteen weeks along.

Mary helped Anna up onto the examination table and then took her hand into her own.

"Hello, Mrs. Bates," Dr. Ryder happily greeted. "I see we are here to determine if you are pregnant or not. According to your records, I should be able to tell with a simple feel of your stomach. You see, once you reach a certain week in pregnancy, I am able to feel the growth of your uterus with my fingers. That with the symptoms you have given me, will give me a good indication of whether or not you are with child. How does that sound?"

But Anna wasn't listening. Instead she was shaking like a leaf, her head shaking. Tears began to fall down her cheeks.

"I…Please, I…." Anna began to tug at her slip, attempting to cover her shivering frame.

Dr. Ryder's brows furrowed in understanding. Mary realized he had seen such horrors before.

"It will be alright, Mrs. Bates," Dr. Ryder calmly said. He walked over toward her and handed her a blanket. "Sit up for a moment."

Anna did as he asked and sat up, covering her frame with the blanket he had given her. Mary remained behind Anna, still holding her hand.

"This will not take long," Dr. Ryder told her. "What I do is I press my fingers on your lower stomach. There may be a bit of pressure, but it won't hurt. But, would you also allow me to give you an internal examination? There could be damage from what you experienced." He was considerate to Anna's fears, speaking in a soothing, but understanding voice. There was no judgement in his tone. "It would not take long and I would talk you through each step of the process."

"I think you should let him, Anna," Mary tried to encourage. Anna blinked harshly. She didn't speak, but she did nod her head.

"Very good," the doctor replied. "Now lie down."

The internal exam was brutal. While the doctor took great care, Anna cried and tensed, meeting Mary's eyes. Mary could see they were full of fear. When it was finally done, the doctor pressed against Anna's abdomen and then told her she could get dressed, he would see them in his office.

"You did really well, Anna," Mary said. Again, Anna didn't reply. Mary helped her dress and the two of them walked to the office.

When they sat, Mary could see the way Anna's lower lip trembled in anticipation of what the doctor had to say.

"Your internal examination did show some signs of trauma, Mrs. Bates. However, I didn't see anything to cause alarm." He paused. His eyes fell sympathetically on Anna. "And based on the symptoms you have had and the feel of your abdomen, I can see that you are with child."

A pained sound left Anna's lips, but she remained still, her eyes now focused on the floor. Mary reached over and grabbed Anna's hand. What were they going to do?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

After Mary got Anna settled back at the hotel, she went out in search of food. Her thoughts were spinning. She didn't know what to do or how to help Anna. What she did know was that she was glad they were staying an extra night. It was easier to focus on this without questions about why she had to go to London again from her parents when they returned.

She found them some sandwiches and small pies at a bakery around the corner. It wasn't much, but it would have to do. She didn't feel comfortable with leaving Anna for very long.

When she walked back into the hotel room, she was surprised to find Anna frantically packing her bags. There were tracks of tears down her cheeks and she was just throwing all of her belongings into the luggage without taking the time to fold them.

"Anna?" Mary questioned. Anna glanced up.

"I…." She started, before turning and grabbing another piece of clothing from the closet. "I have to go, Mary. I…I'm being punished. I can't…I don't deserve to be known as John's wife anymore. He…he would be so ashamed of me….and…"

"Anna…" Mary breathed, stepping forward.

"And I don't deserve to be Johnny's mother either. I have to leave….I have to go away to have this baby and never come back."

"But Anna, Johnny…" Mary could not believe this was happening and she was struggling with the right words to say to calm the obvious frantic and scared woman in front of her.

"He'll stay with you. You can keep him, right? As a ward? People do that…..he…he loves it at Downton. He'll be happy. He won't even remember me." Anna paused a moment, holding her dress tightly in her hands. "I am spoiled and dirty, tainted. He'll be better off without me."

That made Mary rush forward and shake her head.

"No, Anna, no! You are not spoiled," she strongly stated. "John would not be ashamed of you, Anna. He loved you and I know that he would be by your side. Johnny would not be better off without you, his mother. This is difficult; I will admit that. It is a challenge, but you and I will figure it out."

"But I can't return to Downton like this, Mary. I'm unwed. The stain…."

Mary gathered Anna's hands within her own.

"You deserve Johnny, Anna. You deserve happiness. I will not let you give your son up. You haven't slept in over twenty-four hours. Why don't we take a pause, rest, and then we can discuss it again in the morning? We will figure this out; I will." She promised and she had no intentions of breaking this promise. "Come on."

Mary took Anna's luggage off the bed and then made her lay down. Anna was quietly crying, her arms tight around her chest, as if she was hugging herself. Mary sat down beside her and began to rub her back, hoping it would settle Anna and help her sleep. The poor dear really needed to sleep. Then she would be able to see with a clearer head.

"I…I can't…" Anna wept.

"Shh," Mary soothed. And then she began to sing,

"Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly

Lavender's green

When I am king, dilly, dilly

You shall be queen:

Who told you so, dilly, dilly

Who told you so?

'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly

That told me so."

Mary sang the first verse of the song a few times, as she continued to rub Anna's back. Overtime, Anna's breaths began to even and her eyes grew dreary. Mary moved on to the second verse, her eyes remaining on Anna. Slowly, Anna's eyes gave in to the drowsiness that filled her bones and she was asleep. Mary brushed her hand over Anna's cheek and sighed. She would not be sleeping tonight, not, at least, until she came up with a plan.


To be continued...

As always, thank you so much for reading. What will be Mary's plan? You'll find out soon in the next chapter!