"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"
By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III
Disclaimer: This is a work of full parody, and I thought I needed to write something before my head exploded. Do not read this if you feel that Max Payne should not become a Prophet of God, or if you particularly like the French in any way. Now that I've finished offending everyone, allow me to begin…
"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"
We last left Max in prison, waiting for his trial, but the fate of God and some stupid guards left the keys outside the cell and Max got out. So he started walking down the streets of New York city, searching for something but he didn't know what. Suddenly, like some bad movie the clouds of the former storm opened up and the face of God appeared to Max.
God: Max, Maaaaax.
Max looked to his side but nobody was there.
God: Up here you self proclaimed poet!
Max looked up and saw the face of God (author: which will not be described to you here because to do that would mean spoiling death, and I wouldn't want to be known forever as the guy that spoiled death from everybody living).
God: Look upon me my child.
Max: I imagined you as taller.
God: Shut up! You're like those miserable Psalms they're so depressing. I have a job for you to do.
Max: Do I get to be your angel of death and kill people at your command like Loki?
God: No.
Max: Will I be a Prophet like Muhammad and Jay and Silent Bob?
God: Yes, that will go with the territory I'm afraid, but don't get full of yourself like those two stoners did.
Max: (gulps) Am I…pregnant?
God: Even I have to have standards Maxie.
Max: So what then?
God: Glad you finally decided to say something smart. I have a job for you to do. (Trumpets start playing and an angelic choir starts singing)
Max: What's that noise?
God: It's just the incidental music for the scene, now pay attention. (In a deep Godlike voice) Maaaaax. You must find the Holy Grail. It carried my son's blood during the crucifixion and has been lost for centuries. You must restore it to its rightful place.
Max: Where is that? The Vatican?
God: No, it's in the Richard Nixon Presidential Library in California.
Max: Why there?
God: (astonished) You dare question the almighty?
Max: How do I know you're even the almighty? You haven't shown me proof of any kind.
God: You want proof, uh…fine. Just…give me a few minutes. (fades away suddenly)
Max: (To Himself) That small voice in my head was speaking again, should I pull the quest thing or go back to my meager existence of vengeance and a dark life to go with my black soul.
Suddenly God reappears.
God: Stop that! I can hear you, you know! Who else do you think gave you bullet-time™?
Max: What time?
God: Shut up and go find the grail. I HAVE SPOKEN! (God fades away again)
Max: Fine, I've got nothing better to do.
To Be Continued….
