A/N: There are Trigger warnings in this chapter, but to not spoil things, I put them down at the end of the chapter. So if you want to be warned… go look there;)
On with the story.
Chapter 4: A Name for Whom?
Looking back, Zuko's memory was really sketchy. He could remember his escape in fragments only, having no idea what had happened in between each segment. He remembered collapsing various times, being caught, stabilized, supported by Toph. He'd been fighting a losing battle against his body. Swaying and falling. Having chains keep his hands locked in the air day after day had taken a toll on his sense of balance and sapped at his strength. Toph had finally put an end to those who would watch quietly, forcing help upon him.
Feelings of slight panic when they had passed through the wall with no light illuminating the path. It had felt suffocating. Even once they were outside, Toph still allowed him no rest, pulling him along through the plains. Rain still fell insistently upon them, washing away at least some of the grime that had accumulated on Zuko's skin. His hair dripped and the rags that served as his trousers stuck uncomfortably to his skin.
He knew he hadn't run on their flight. Not once. He hadn't had the energy for it. He didn't think of the future, either, the now was challenging enough. And when Toph finally announced that they were there, he all but collapsed in front of Appa's huge face, not really registering it anymore. Though when Appa grumbled and started licking him, Zuko's muddled mind caught on to the unexpected weirdness quickly enough, trying to scramble away.
"Appa, let him be... Sparky, I suggest you change before you lay down to sleep, I've got some fresh clothes for you here."
Zuko looked up tiredly, only a hint of surprise made it through the fog that was his mind.
"I won't look, don't worry."
"Ugh?"
00000
Toph finally sat below the earth shelter she had stamped out from the ground, looking over at a protective Appa who had tucked the sickly sleeping young man between some legs to keep him warm and safe. Sighing, she relaxed, and before she knew it, she had drifted off to sleep
The stillness of the night rattled with Zuko's coughs. His sleep seemed ever restless and the thrashing roused even Toph quite a few times. Toph tried to ignore it all, feeling powerless to help. The boy, in a slight fever, had tried to get away from Appa's suffocating heat, struggling weakly. Appa, however, had refused to let him roll very far away… as if he would let him go into the cold air and rain again.
Toph seriously doubted that his sleep had been recreative, she'd felt the night terrors, the panic that hit him more than once. Only at dawn he finally calmed down enough for her to dive into a light sleep.
00000
When Zuko finally felt the sun rise, he still felt drained, but he didn't drift off to sleep again. Pain ran through his body in shivers. He just stared at the dawn and the girl lying curled up below some kind of earth shelter. The Avatar's companion, Toph. Did she have any idea whom she just had rescued? He was doubtful about that, but tired as he was, his thoughts were sluggish. He thought of past interactions with the Avatar's motley group, not looking forward to another confrontation, especially in the weak state he was in right now. There would be no avoiding it. His musings however were suddenly cut short by Toph's cry.
"The others are coming… they're running!"
Zuko looked up to see that Toph had straightened up, looking alert. Groaning, he pushed himself into a sitting position, leaning against Appa's legs. Frowning, he looked for what she'd noticed.
He heard them first, though it still took more than a minute for him to do so, but soon enough, he could make them out with his eyes.
"Aang it's just a little more… yeah, just over there" The voice of the Waterbender reached his ears, a moment later a disheveled airbender landed on his feet in front of Appa.
Zuko felt himself tense, the airbender had turned to Appa's head as he was greeting him. How long had it been since he had seen the Avatar? Last time, he'd been on a single-minded mission in the heart of the Northern Water Tribe. It seemed a lifetime ago. Zuko felt goosebumps spreading on his skin, felt his heartbeat quicken. He barely registered what was going on around him, he couldn't comprehend his reaction, nor why he felt the need to hide. Maybe it was the general haplessness lately that had led to this. He couldn't recall how many times he'd just wanted to disappear, to be unseen. And he honestly didn't want his enemy to see him weak like this.
Wasn't it ever enough? It wasn't even these last weeks of being displayed publicly, it was his whole life. His father's open and hostile dislike toward him. The court, which he'd never truly understood at all. And especially, when he had stood there, expecting that old general, in the Agni Kai, realizing whom he'd have to fight right then and there.
Afterwards it had only gotten worse. He knew, some people aboard his ship had not really respected him for a long time, but they had at least tried to hide it, at least after the first… incident. More openly shunned by his own people on Zhao's ship, he'd held his head high, determined to prove himself that he still was a Prince, in principle at least. More so, he'd held his head high amongst enemies. It was impossible though. The last weeks had been the peak, his captors had slowly let him drain his energy, weakened his body systematically, and used him and his presence to let out their frustrations. He'd never felt this weak; never this helpless; Unable to change a thing about it.
"... on lockdown, we barely made it out. Good thing Aang is an airbender.'' From afar, Zuko registered the Water Tribemen's voice, and words, absentmindedly noting their meaning. "… oh yeah hi Appa, yeah we missed you too, had a good vaca… you?!" The suddenly accusing tone made Zuko wince…
"What are you doing here?..." the voice turned away, "Toph, tell me you didn't!"
The firebender held his head with his hands , the loud noise hurting in his ears . He was glad that Toph had provided him with clothing that included a hood. Never had fabric meant more to feel safe, he didn't want to be seen.
"Sokka? What do you mean?... oh" Aang's voice, then a breeze of air as someone landed lightly before Zuko's feet.
"Hey guys, we should leave!" Toph was ignored by the others.
Aang had stepped closer and was taking in the poor condition of the person at Appa's feet. The person was holding their head, covered by a hood, hiding their face. Aang stared at the uncovered wrists which showed a nasty collection of openly oozing blisters. Like the caring person he was, he stretched out a hand to comfort the boy.
"Hey, are you alright?" Zuko winced, and looked up at once. Blue arrows, the first thing he registered, and he remembered them glowing, memories crashing into him like Azula's lightning. So when he felt something touch his arm, he just reacted, grabbing the arm and hurling the person away with unexpected strength.
He was panting: "... Stay away… from me… Avatar!" The last word all but dripping with venom despite the cracking sore voice. "Stay away." Zuko felt himself shaking, avoiding even looking at Aang.
"People, really, we should get moving. Twinkletoes, I'll take care of Sparky, just get Appa ready, alright?" Toph grabbed Aang and pushed him towards the direction of the saddle. Zuko just curled in on himself again, trying to calm down, He ignored what was going on around him once more. He had no energy to keep track of his surroundings and the comfort of actual, dry clothes kept him in a rather sluggish state of mind. So he didn't feel the Waterbender approach and was startled when he heard a voice so closely.
"It's you from yesterday, did you thank Toph for the clothes?"
Zuko groaned, irritatedly, but pulled himself together for an answer. "I did, peasant." He had no patience for her prodding, he just wanted to be left alone.
"Oh… good" Katara was startled. She hadn't expected that response, and the last word awoke unpleasant memories. Seriously, were all Fire Nation people like this? Just as she reached that thought, Aang called for them to move, as he was going to airbend the saddle on Appa's back.
Reluctantly, their newest addition crawled out from below Appa's feet, scrambling to his feet with difficulty. Katara was still looking at him, observing the colour of the skin on his hands. It was all an angry red from sunburn. Yeah, days standing in the hot sun without shade would probably do that to you, she mused to herself.
He seemed to observe Appa's saddling, standing with his back turned to her, shivering in the wind, hood up for protection . The weather had cooled down considerably the past night, and he didn't look healthy at all. She supposed, as soon as they'd be in the air, she would do something about that, it was not like there was much else to do when flying and if she'd improve his health, then maybe he'd be less of a hindrance for as long as they traveled together. Though, she didn't look forward to the attitude he had displayed up till now. She turned away and helped Sokka and Toph pack the last bits of their restocked supplies. Aang soon flew them up into the saddle to strap them down with Sokka's help. When they were ready, Toph ushered the stranger up with the help of Earthbending, and assigned him to a free spot on the saddle. Katara, already seated, saw how he sank down, wincing when he leaned back against the saddle, repositioning himself, wincing more. He hadn't spoken again and as Appa jumped off the ground after the usual yip-yip, the young man visibly tensed for a moment.
"Hey Sparks, you alright?" Toph asked gently, leaning over.
Katara only heard mumbling, something that could have been a "Leave me alone". Toph indeed did quit bothering him though and started up a conversation with Sokka instead. Katara observed him for a few more minutes. His head hung low, the hood still drawn up. From what she could glimpse of his face, the skin there was sunburned as well, though not quite as badly as his hands. His face also showed a wide display on varying bruise-colours and swollen, contorted, features. Her eyes trailed further down, observing the obviously new clothing. She guessed the fabric to be a sturdy linen. A simple, long-sleeved kimono of a dark beige colour, the trousers, also long, a darker brown. Over that, he had a dark sleeveless overrobe which reached down to his knees and was simply held close to his body by an ecru-coloured sash, leaving the kimono below uncovered in the middle. The overrobe also had a hood attached, which hid most of his face from view ...
"It is rude to stare!" She startled. The thin body she had been observing hadn't moved. He hadn't turned his head to speak with her, but his raw voice had a poisonous quality to it.
"You're not very polite yourself." Katara replied, a bit miffed.
"So what? I didn't ask you to rescue me." he tersely replied
"Don't you want to live? You're lucky Toph did what she did, your attitude is appalling." she sniped back snootily.
He replied only after a moment: "I'm not so sure about that." he said, voice worn, while moving to the ground to curl into himself, fully laying down now, appearing smaller in the process.
Just then Aang called out for her and she moved up towards Appa's head.
00000
Zuko was glad for the distraction calling the Waterbender away, he didn't want to be scrutinized again already. He was so very tired, his whole body itching and hurting. It hurt to breathe, and not only because his throat was raw. He was pretty sure he had at least some bruised ribs. And he was freezing, even though Toph had given him clothes and a blanket. Sadly, the clothes were irritating his wounds and sunburns. It hurt, but lately when his body parts weren't asleep from uncomfortable positions, everything had always hurt, so it didn't really matter anymore. Would he even feel alive with lack of pain? Why did blacking out evade him? Dreamless oblivion, it sounded so blissful right now. He felt sick, hating the feeling that Appa's jump off the ground had caused in his stomach. The last few weeks had had him throwing up enough to last a lifetime. There, another shift in the air. He groaned miserably.
"Sparky?... want some water?"
Water sounded like a really good idea right now.
00000
Katara carefully made her way across the saddle and up to Appa's head, sinking down next to Aang. She could see that something was eating up the twelve year old.
"What is it?"
It took Aang a moment to collect his thoughts and turn them into words: "He's afraid of me… just what am I going to do Katara?"
Katara grabbed his hand, a calming gesture. "Hmm. I don't think I can say much you don't already know. But it will be fine. There is not much you can do except wait and prove him wrong, but you're so kind, he just got to see that at some point, no?"
"I just don't understand why. Tell me, what happened to him to make him this way?"
Katara sighed by way of response. "He… well, I only saw him there once, I didn't know Toph would actually rescue him. He was being publicly displayed on the market."
"Why would anyone do that, and you didn't plan on rescuing him, too?"
Katara was bewildered by Aang's stance on this Fire Nation soldier, they had killed all his people and yet he would've wanted to save one of them. She was at a loss. She erred and scratched her head before replying. "No, Sokka and I didn't think it would be a good idea to bring an enemy into our midst."
"But he was hurt! How could you?"
"Aang, we can't go rescuing puppies at every corner. What if Azula finds us again, what do you think a Firebender would do, he'd possibly even help capturing you. I just didn't think of it as safe."
"I didn't think you could be so heartless, I mean, look at him, I've barely seen his face and wrists, but those are in bad enough shape. Anyway, we could always leave him behind somewhere, under someone's care."
"And have a repeat of what happened to him already? Pray tell who would take him and not harm him, despite his nationality?" Aang looked at her, a smile twitching in the corner of his mouth.
"I can easily think of someone… Iroh!"
"As if we just would run into him again in the next few days. and anyway, Iroh is on the run, not only from Azula but a fugitive just like this guy. And Iroh is searching for Zuko still."
"Iroh would care." Katara just shook her head, there was no point in continuing their discussion. Aang would not understand. And anyway, Toph had rescued him, so he was safe for the time being.
She could understand where Aang came from, no question. Still she couldn't help but think she had been right with her decision and her way of life. Taking on a captive could only cause complications : a captive was one too weak to defend themselves, and from a defeated party. They simply couldn't afford that, taking a captive from the nation of their pursuers, but it was no use to discuss that with a pacifist, so she kept herself from replying, only stared into the width of the landscape below them.
00000
Upon Katara's slightest touch, the boy jerked awake violently. Startled, she drew back. He had uncurled himself and sat up now, pushed up on his arms.
"What?" he snarled.
She only barely could make out his eye colour as golden, he held his eyes squinted, though she couldn't make out if it was because of the bruises and sunburned skin, or the hood that cast his face in shadows. So she took the moment to further observe him, for the first time realizing just how much his condition contorted his features. She tried to see what he would look like anyway. His cheeks looked taunt despite the swollen bruising in places and his face was still quite dirty, though the rain had washed it off a bit. He moved, clearly impatient.
"Don't touch me!" He was laying back down, she realized.
"Wait."
He pushed up again, knitting his, wait…, was he missing an eyebrow?
"Stay away!"
"I'm a healer, you've got nothing to fear."
He snorted, unamused. "You're a Waterbender, we're enemies."
Katara hadn't expected such ferocity. She'd have to figure out how to make him acquiescent , and quickly, before he drew back into himself. "Fine. You're our prisoner, I demand you let me check on your health!"
His gaze grew a few shades darker."You demand?" His voice lacked inflection, but his glare was pointed, distrustful. "I decline!" There was a final note in his words this time around. He turned away, but did not lay back down yet. She had a feeling, it was because he knew he couldn't win, but didn't want to be caught off guard. He straightened up to be able to look over the saddle border, his face contorted into a pained expression. The pain was more than evident in the way he moved too. He pulled the blanket closer, draping it over his shoulders. It was then that Katara's brother came to her rescue.
"Firebender! You know Azula, right?"
The reaction to "Firebender" was nothing compared to the reaction to that name. He actually winced, eyes widening slightly, before Sokka continued.
"One thing I learned about her, besides her being overly talented and ambitious, is that she despises weaknesses. But she feeds off on it. Now… How do you think she would treat you, should you fall into her hands?"
00000
Zuko shivered at the suggestion, images of his last encounter with his sister still vividly in his mind. He knew what Sokka meant. He was at his weakest, and while- Sokka ended his pregnant pause, interrupting Zuko's inner dialog. "And don't even think of slowing us down to ensure the Avatars capture, nor that I will let Aang nor Toph save your sorry hide if you lag behind during an escape. So do us both a favour and let my sis do her job."
The words made Zuko wince on the inside, his mind only slowly comprehending what Sokka had said. It made sense, but every fiber of his being wanted to refuse, already recoiling at the mere thought. He didn't want to be touched, at all, by anyone. Nor did he trust them. However, and it bothered him a lot, Sokka's words made sense. More than Zuko liked to admit.
"Since when do you call yourself a healer?"
There was the tiniest note of annoyance in her voice,as she replied, obviously not appreciating his doubt. "I was properly trained in the art of healing with Waterbending at the North Pole, by Master Yagoda herself."
Zuko was quick to reply once more: "I don't want to be your test subject."
He couldn't help it but to fight against the proposal. His body showed evidence of things he'd rather bury and never be reminded of again. Not that that was possible. He doubted to ever be able to leave this shame behind. Even if everything healed without scarring, which he doubted, too, it would still haunt him in his nightmares. Just as it did after the Agni Kai.
He couldn't afford to fall into Azula's hands, however. And he realized, with his current options and resources, it would be nearly impossible to redeem himself in bringing the Avatar home. He simply wouldn't get that far. Besides, after all that had happened, was there any way left to redeem himself at all? Was going home even an option? his thoughts spiralled dangerously morosely.
Exiled by his father, hunted by his sister, shunned by the Fire Nation because of his status as banished traitor, rejected by the rest because of his heritage as a firebender. At least the Avatar's group hadn't opposed him with the malice that everyone else had shown towards him, though Zuko supposed this was because of their naivety. They all were still children after all. Really, the only company he wished for was his uncle's.
"... Hello, earth to you?..." He looked up, realizing he had been drifting off in his musings without even noticing that they had been in a conversation. "...I know what I'm doing. I won't try something that I'm not sure will work. I promise."
"Fine,"
He all but growled the word, though this time it took on a defeated tone. Why combat something that might actually benefit him, then put up a fight he couldn't win. But he couldn't just leave it at that, even so. Too many times his trust had been broken. "But I tell you, should you break your word, I'll take revenge the next chance I get!"
"I can live with that for now… Alright, please take off your shirt, this works better with skin contact." Zuko was less than pleased, but complied for now. It wasn't as if they hadn't seen his messed up skin before, well except maybe the Avatar. Still, he had learned to appreciate clothing, not only for the warmth, but also for the simple barrier it provided, keeping gazes at bay. He would have preferred to keep everything on, hiding the evidence of his weaknesses.
He knew that he wouldn't be able to hide the pain, though he tried even so, when he took off his shirt. He knew they'd see his ribs, the whip marks, the gashes, the bruises and sunburns, and perhaps older wounds that the efforts of the market people couldn't hide. None of the group commented on any of it however, though he was sure they were watching. He refused to look into their direction, afraid of the moment that they'd see his scar, they would recognize him.
"The water will start to glow in a moment, I'll touch you and then the water acts as an extension of me, scanning your injuries before I start healing anything, alright?"
Zuko only nodded grimly.
She took water from her pouch and just as she had said, it started giving off an ethereal glow around her hands, then she then laid her hands gently on his chest and he literally felt the waters push forward, entering him. It caused his breath to hitch, it felt strange and he couldn't decide if it was in an invasive way or not. He decided that he didn't like it either way. He felt her checking different areas, starting with his chest, he felt her check his arms, his head, then she went down to his belly and legs. Finally she held the water still, just around her hands at his chest.
"Well, you do have a lot of wounds. There are two bruised ribs, you've got a bad case of sunburn and the whip marks on your back, I can treat all of that. Your eye…"
"I know my injuries, you don't need to list them off, and my eye, that's an old wound, leave it be! It can't be healed." Zuko snubbed.
Katara ignored him, not thinking too much about the response. "I suppose I'll start on your skin, turn around please, I want to start on your back."
He did as asked and she set to work. "I won't be able to do everything in one session, just saying."
Zuko ignored the comment, bracing himself. He felt the relief of the healing with contempt, still not at ease with the idea of having a waterbender heal him.
"So what's your name? Can't keep calling you Firebender, can't we?!"
She felt him chuckle humorlessly, feeling him tense at the pain it caused him to do so. Katara waited for the answer, but he stayed silent, after a while it was clear that he wouldn't respond. She'd just ask again, then.
"What is…"
"What does it matter?"
"How can it not? It's your identity, it's who you are."
"Is it really?... I'll still be the firebender to you. It wouldn't change a thing." Katara paused momentarily, in shock that he would even question her statement, then set to answer, as she returned her focus back into healing him.
"It would be a first step to get to know you…"
"It would be the last! You wouldn't look further ... no one ever does." Zuko trailed off forlornly.
"Ha,... your attitude certainly does not help." Sokka commented smugly from his corner. Zuko tensed, then turned away, pushing Katara's hand away in the process.
"Leave me alone, all of you!" He grabbed his shirt and quickly slipped it on before Katara could stop him, luckily drawing her water away before it pooled in the saddle. Curling into himself he pulled the hood over his head and the blanket over his shoulders, dismissing them entirely.
"Sokka, was that really necessary?" Katara asked as she released the water she had healed with, throwing it overboard. She looked back at the bundle that represented their newest addition. She saw the rise and fall of the blanket, which signified his breathing to be calm. He probably was asleep again, or nearly so.
She thought of his words. What had he meant with what he'd said? How did he identify himself if not with a name? And why would a name make all the difference. Sure, she wasn't all that happy he was here, but now that he was, they might as well try to get along. On that, he really needed to wash properly the next time they stopped, his smell was more than just unpleasant.
There was another subject that held her attention though. He was in bad shape, He was more than a bit underweight for one, and his body had been fighting off infection. She was surprised that he had no blood poisoning, but she supposed he wouldn't have lasted long, had that been the case. Still, various wounds were infected and drawing out infection was a tedious task. And she wasn't even done with his back. Plus, there were more wounds than just on the surface
The bruised ribs she could understand, less so some injuries she'd felt lower down . It was very worrying, because she couldn't imagine how those injuries came into existence. Was there something wrong with his digestion? She'd have to ask him. Also, his voice was worrying her, no doubt his throat was sore, and she could see varying reasons as to why. It was no doubt painful too, so she'd try to take care of it sometimes. She only hoped his attitude wouldn't take a turn for the worse once he got his full voice back.
00000
Startling out of another set of horrid memories, repeatedly visiting in nightmares, he lay very still, trying to assess his whereabouts. They were still in the air, he could feel the breeze penetrating his clothes. Shivering, he pulled the blanket closer. He had to have slept a few hours, as the sun had changed position. He observed the happenings in the saddle carefully. Sokka seemed to be snoozing in one corner. Toph, bored out of her mind, was playing with a stone she had brought, and Katara seemed to be fixing some clothes, if the needle and thread that moved in and out of fabric were anything to go by. He slowly moved to sit up, biting back a groan as he put weight on his wrists. He dared a peek over the saddle border and saw that the landscape had changed considerably.
"You're awake"
It was a statement and he didn't turn around as she was just pointing out the obvious. He was still tired, though.
"You should eat something, we didn't want to wake you up when we did."
He turned around then.
"Not hungry" And he really wasn't, though it faintly crossed his mind that he might just have gotten used to the feeling of hunger. It was hard to distinguish it within all the pain he was in.
"You should still eat. You need to give your body something to work with to heal." She got up and pressed something in his hands, it was a slice of bread, still soft. Consciously, he took a bite.
00000
The next time, he woke through a soft jostling. "Hey, time to get up, Sparks!" Toph gently pulled him up, he followed her lead, still sleepy.
"Hey, Firebender, could you help start the fire?"
Zuko tensed.
"No"
Sokka looked up from where he was building up a fire pit.
"Why not?"
Zuko ignored him and carefully stepped down from Appa, standing on the ground on wobbly legs. He sat down a few meters away from the not-yet fire pit, facing the forest rather than Sokka, who had watched him critically.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
Zuko didn't even look up, he only pulled his blanket closer.
"Who do you think you are? You might be a prisoner, but everyone's got to pull their own weight in this group. You will be no exception Firebender, so come here and play your magic. I'm hungry."
Still no reaction. Angry, Sokka got up to grab the object of his annoyance. He failed to notice Zuko tense at the approach. The violent recoiling, when he grabbed the other's wrist was finally noted, but he paid it no heed, pulling the other up.
Zuko barely stumbled a step before he collapsed, hyperventilating, stuck in a fully blown panic attack, his legs refused to carry him.
"Woow, what's going on with you?" Sokka had let go at the startling reaction, and now was staring down at a quivering body on the ground, breathing weirdly. Toph was already approaching fast.
"Sokka, what did you do?" She sank down to her knees next to the young man laying on the ground. She reached out to lay a comforting hand on his back, but the slightest touch caused him to squirm and try to move away. She could barely make out the words he whispered between gasping for air.
Katara, by now, had arrived at the scene, too. "What is going on?... Toph, I don't think you're helping him calm down. Sokka, go make the fire."
Toph had retracted her hand and now just sat beside him helplessly, unsure of what to do. Katara knelt down beside her, starting to talk in a calm, even, voice.
00000
Everything was in a haze, it was happening again. He had pulled his mind far away, into a safe corner within. Faintly, he felt himself breathing. Faintly, he felt the ground below, memories still flooding his mind of other things he'd felt before. Only slowly, his mind registered the lack of these. Was it over already? There were calm noises and he felt dizzy.
Time passed and he grew more aware, focus growing on the pattern of the noises, on the ground he touched. A hesitant realisation, he indeed wasn't hanging from those chains anymore. He was laying on the ground, and nothing was happening. He needed to calm down. He grabbed the dust under his hands, holding onto it as if it was a life line, focussing on the sensation of his body weight against the earth. There was a voice, he realized now, talking to him. It was soft and gentle. Mother?
It promised safety. It told him to come back, to calm his breathing. It demanded his focus. It was a patient melody.
00000
Katara observed the breathing slowly calm down, frail hands twitching, grabbing what was on the ground. He barely moved otherwise, but she continued humming even so. In the end he was calm again, though the shivering hadn't stopped yet.
She waited another minute to be sure, then stopping singing, hoping he would be listening to her words in a moment, not only her voice.
"Can you get up now?" If she hadn't been looking for a reaction so closely, she may have missed it, but it still took another minute, before he opened his eyes, slowly unfurling. Cold sweat had made more dust and dirt stick to his face, as Katara saw when he looked up. The amber eyes widened in recognition, however returned to a rather dull stare just a moment later. Energy obviously spent. Sluggish moves led to him sitting up.
"Toph, could you accompany him to wash up, down at the lake? I need to take care of cooking."
"Sure, come on Sparks, let's move." Katara had gotten up and moved to one of their packages, searching for something in the twilight of the tilting sun. Sokka had finally managed a fire going, casting a tiny bit of additional light to the opening they were camping in. Katara had apparently found what she had searched for, returning to Toph who was currently supporting the taller boy next to her, as he still seemed rather unsteady.
"Here, a change of clothing, I'll wash what you are wearing later." Toph took them under her arm, then led Zuko towards the lake. Still a safe distance from the water, she let go of him and sat down.
"Go ahead, it's not like I can see you undress anyway, muuuch too dark for that, so don't worry about it."
00000
The slow going travel down towards the water gave Zuko the time for quite a few contemplations. For one, he yearned to wash off all the dirt and grime, even though he didn't feel like he could ever get clean anymore, anyway. On the other hand, he dreaded removing the mask of dirt that had apparently kept his identity hidden up till now. The bruises were slowly fading, the sunburned skin peeling, it was only a matter of time. He knew he wouldn't be able to hide it forever, but couldn't help to wish for it.
He faintly registered Toph letting go of his arm and plummeting down on the beach.
Her snarky comment left him reeling for a moment before it clicked. Right, she was blind. He suppressed a sigh, doing as she suggested. The water was cold to touch and he found his reluctance only grew with the prospect of that fact. Still, he slowly took more steps in, already shivering.
"Sparks, I'd advise you to do a thorough job unless you want Katara to throw a fit and help you out… just saying."
Well there went that option, he'd much rather wash his face himself than have them reveal it, nor did he want to give them any reason to touch him.
Katara had given him a piece of soap to use, and so he hesitatingly dove under to wet his hair. It felt strangely freeing, even though the cold stung and the water burned in his wounds. He started to work with the soap, picking up the pace, starting to rub his skin raw, suddenly desperate. He'd never get clean.
The soap burned in his eyes, but the grime slowly washed off, leaving the reddish burned skin, as well as all the skin's other unnatural colorations, in plain sight. When he was done, his legs had already gone numb from the cold. It had him stumbling towards Toph, who, politely facing away, had held out some kind of towel for him. He thankfully grabbed onto it, rubbing his skin raw once more.
"Hey, don't kill that spot, you've been rubbing on it for like a whole minute!"
Mechanically he moved on, trying not to lose track of his thoughts again. The shirt handed to him exposed his arms, it was baggy on his skinny frame, and the trousers were even worse. He was glad that he had a cord to bind them to his hips. Once dressed, he sat down to recuperate. The whole exercise, as well as the panic attack, had thoroughly drained him and he didn't feel like he could make the way back just yet. He grabbed the clothes he'd worn before and started to fold them, only to stare out on the lake afterwards, looking as the sky continuously grew darker. They had been sitting there quietly for a while before Toph suggested that they should return. He had no energy to argue, he simply got up, noticing how the trousers were an inch short as he felt the breeze caress his skin. His feet were unprotected anyway. Well, at least the constant standing on bare feet the past weeks had helped them to adjust. It didn't hurt to walk on the gravel as it would have before. Then again… he'd grown so adjusted to constant pain, he might just not register it anymore.
They still had to take another break halfway back, because his legs wouldn't carry him any further, though in the end, they made it back to the fireplace.
Zuko held his head down, self conscious of how easily recognizable his scar probably was now without the grime, and how much he wanted to hide it. He'd put the hooded garment back on. It hadn't come into direct contact with his wounds, therefore he took it as still mostly clean. He was glad for the vision barrier. Sokka and Aang were discussing something apparently, though he hadn't listened to what was being said until Sokka's voice modulation changed.
"...Finally…. what took you so long? I've been dying to…. Hey those are my clothes…"
"Shut up Sokka, I gave them to him, I need to wash his'." Katara's voice sounded annoyed.
"you could have at least asked." Sokka's whiny voice didn't make things any better.
"Eat, and shut up for once."
"Finally!"
Katara held out two filled bowls for Toph and Zuko once they were seated. Now, not hidden below sleeves, his bony frame was even more apparent. She hadn't been focussed on that when she'd healed him, as she usually closed her eyes to feel the water instead of getting distracted visually. Now she saw many dark marks on the skin on his arms, which she supposed were bruises. The darkness swallowed the red colour from the rough treatment and burns a bit, it however didn't hide that the skin looked unhealthy. She saw clear marks where shackles had encased his wrists, the skin raw and partially blistered. Had the metal clasps gotten that hot in the sun? Probably.
He didn't look at her when he took the bowl, in fact, he seemed to try to face away even more than before. The wet hair was barely touching his eyebrows yet, and most of his face was cast in shadows under that hood. He was shivering again, obviously still cold.
She remembered, she had made him leave the blanket behind when he went to wash up, and it didn't help that his arms were now exposed in the slight breeze. Oh well, she couldn't fix everything, he'd get the blanket back for sleeping. She turned away from him to participate in the lively discussion present.
00000
Zuko had turned away for a time, trying to get some of the fire's heat onto his back, very reluctant to try to mess with the fire itself. He knew it was only a matter of time until he'd reach out, instincts overriding his fears. He wanted to feel, to connect to the fire, to absorb it, so it would make him a bit warmer. He however doubted the action would be taken kindly. Still, the fire drew him in. He couldn't help but want to watch it, so when his front grew cold again, he turned to watch the flames once more. The others looked up when he moved, but paid him no further heed once he had settled back down.
00000
It took quite a while until Katara noticed something was amiss. Somehow the wood had started burning faster it seemed, though that sounded really silly to her ears. It took only a moment until she had thrown the Firebender a suspicious glance. However, he only sat there unmoving, so she left it at that and returned her attention to whatever Aang was saying.
It took another fifteen minutes until she glanced at the fire once more. Had it grown a shade more red? She shook her head, staring at the firebender again. She wasn't even sure he had his eyes open anymore. Just then, she realized that he had stopped shivering. That was good, she supposed. She trailed his still frame with her eyes once more. Eyes halting on the still oozing wrists, she really should heal those soon. It was unfortunate that they had no bandages to, at the very least, protect open wounds. She hadn't had a choice but to leave them, but it still felt wrong.
After a few more minutes of observing him, she decided to do it now, not really participating in the conversation anyway. It would be best for everyone if he got healthy fast.
"Hey Firebender…" The boy visibly winced, it was as if something had snapped and the fire flickered stronger for a moment. As she approached him, she noted him staring to the ground intently. He had grabbed the loose fabric of his trousers, clearly tensing as she got nearer.
"I thought we could have another healing session now, before going to bed."
He barely looked up, then only shrugged.
"What do you want me to heal?"
He merely held out his arm, not fancying having to take off the shirt again. Despite it being sleeveless, it was still warmer than being in the tender breeze without it.
She gently grabbed his hand and made him turn towards her. Then she opened her pouch and made the water glow. He tensed every time she touched him, she started drawing out infection from the open mess his wrists were in. The skin had been chafed off, and at some places indeed had blistered. The skin wasn't quite as damaged as it would have been had it been a brand, but it was clear that it had been caused by the metal shackles he had worn. It crossed her mind that it must have been hell to wear them, probably still felt like hell whenever anything touched the open wounds. Well, she was about to change that. She searched his face for any reaction, most of the time healing was soothing, however there were things that were painful, drawing out infection could be one of them. But he had hidden his face in the shadows, lips pressed together in a thin line.
"I'm sorry if it hurts."
"Just do what you have to."
She hadn't expected an answer, so she was mildly surprised that he was respondin g verbally despite the shape his voice was in.
He hadn't looked up at all.
She continued. Letting her thoughts wander to what she had found this morning. The many welts on his back, the bruised ribs and the countless unhealthy discolorations on his skin. His raw voice, which of course hadn't gotten better yet and other injuries that she had found inside his body. She wouldn't ask about some of them so close to the group, though. After healing his wrists, she decided, she'd take a look at his throat. The first wrist was closing up already, scarring reduced to a minimum, the skin pink and unblemished.
"Here we go, doesn't it feel better now? The other one, please."
He held out his other hand and she continued healing. He was more relaxed now, faintly tracking her hand movements with his eyes. She noted that he was shivering again, though.
She finally let go of the wrist, throwing the used water away.
"Let me look if I can do anything for that sore throat of yours." She was already lifting her hand with water to heal when he leaned back, head turned away.
"It will heal on its own."
"Oh come on, it will be no trouble, calm down, I won't hurt you.." She raised her hand again.
"No…"
She had stopped his words with gently touching his neck, sliding the hood off his head in the process. The action caused him to finally look up, wide eyed. Their eyes met and she couldn't help but follow the now much more prominent jaw line, his straight nose, towards the contorted features as well as the scar tissue around his eye, though it now disappeared into the hairline. She recognized him, there was no doubt. In startled shock, she pulled back. He looked so different, cheeks fallen and ponytail gone, hair growing on all of his head now. But that scar, there was no second one like it, no doubt about that. How had they not recognized him before?
"Zuko?"
He had still been staring at her, but now he turned away, scrambling to his feet. It wasn't in fear, there just wasn't anything left to say, no reason to stay near the fire anymore.
"Zuko!..."
He turned around.
"Don't bother, I'm going to sleep."
But the call had alerted the rest of the group and they all stared at him.
"No way." Sokka said upon searching out his face. "... How could you just say nothing?! Hey where are you going? I don't trust you!"
Zuko fully turned around, too tired to be dealing with this. "I didn't ask you to."
By now Sokka had gotten up too, and stepped up to him, Zuko took a step back.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm going to sleep…"
"Like I'd believe you. Is this a new way to get to Aang? Planning on sneaking away with him in the middle of the night?" Having his personal space breached once more, Zuko drew back again, stumbling slightly in the process. Sokka paid him no heed.
"No…"
Sokka made another step forward, lifting his hand. The Zuko he knew would block him, would never let a "peasant" hit him, and that way he'd show his true colours. The Zuko he knew had hunted them; he wasn't weak, he was sneaky, and now he was in their midst. Just what had Zuko been expecting? Sokka raised his hand in the form of a fist in anger. As long as he, Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe, was here, he'd protect the group. And Zuko, Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation, would pay, he would pay for the trouble he'd caused them. Sokka however wasn't prepared for the other to stumble backwards and fall to the ground as his fist striped his jaw. Sokka took another step forward, causing Zuko to shuffle away as well as he could in his daze.
"Sokka! Stop."
The boy on the ground pushed himself up on his forearms, murmuring words that suspiciously sounded like "Please, don't hurt me" and "Stay away". He was staring at Sokka with a mix between fear and apprehension, visibly shaking. He sat down on his feet, leaning forward.
Taking deep breaths to calm himself, he then presented his bare wrists. He remembered that those tying him up usually left rather quickly. The process of being bound, despite it being painful, usually had meant that they were done toying with him. Maybe Sokka would leave it at that, too.
"By all means, undo your sister's work and tie me up. Just let me sleep." He sighed out.
Sokka, startled at this response, had finally halted his approach, Katara could already see his wheels turning to do just as their captive had suggested.
"Sokka, cut it out. He is in no shape to do anything, at all." She had gotten up as well, and grabbed Sokka at the collar. Now she pushed him back towards his seat. Then she went to grab Zuko's blanket. She was angry too, she felt deceived even though she knew he hadn't really done all that much to hide.
"Sleep by Appa, he'll keep you warm." She shoved the blanket into his hands and turned around, returning to the fire without further notice. After some hesitation, Zuko scrambled to his feet again to follow her instructions. Faintly, he heard the others talking while he laid down.
00000
"That's Zuko?... But he told me he had no ponytail!" Toph was probably puzzled the most.
"Must have cut it off."
"But why didn't you recognize him before?"
Katara sighed. "His scar was covered with dirt."
"His scar? how come you tell me he has a ponytail, but leave out that he is recognized by a scar?"
"Oh whatever" Sokka sighed. It was then that Aang finally spoke up.
"So what now?"
A/N: (As mentioned above, The trigger warnings are for implied rape, and those are also the reason this story is rated as M)
Thanks for all those who did review up till now, and thanks for all the faves and follows!
13.01.21
Ystävä: I remember being quite surprised at how well the chapter put itself together and actually turned out chapter-like, instead of just jumbled together scenes. The theme of how much knowing Zuko's name would change the gaang's perception really held it together. I think I knew I wanted to end with this scene, and that sparked the idea of Katara asking for his name, not entirely sure though, maybe I just thought it was time to address names anyway.
I also remember ML helping me through writer's block and generally improving the content with his input. I think this was also the first chapter I asked him if he wanted to say anything. Those were the beginnings of his transition into his role as co-author :)
ML8991: Hey guys, back once more in the future. Do be warned, we're starting to get into some trigger territory, so be careful when reading. Otherwise hope you enjoy this chapter as much as we did, lots of discussion back in the day was made to try make this work as well as we could for you guys, with the ideas we wanted to broach into. It indeed feels like old ground going back to this chapter, but it brings in a lot of the threads that we wanted to, most notably identity and perception of that identity. It is going to be a rough ride, for those of you on AO3, but it is an exciting one to explore. On the topic of going back though, given where we have got to writing ourselves, it is great as an author to get that feeling of character growth, and I hope you avid readers get that also :). Thank you for sticking with us, and we look forward to continuing the story further. See yo
