Prologue: On the Finding of the Ring
Narrator (John's Storytelling Voice)
Years ago in ages past, the evil Sauron created nineteen rings. Three were presented to the Elves, most ancient of the races of Middle-Earth. Seven to the dwarves, dwellers and miners of the mountains. Nine to the men, the most gullible. But there was one more ring, and in it Sauron placed his mighty power and used it to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! But then one day, in a very bloody battle of Sauron and his henchmen versus basically everyone else, Sauron was unexpectedly destroyed.
(As he speaks, we can see what he narrates about.)
(The man who killed Sauron, Isildur, takes the ring from Sauron's dead hand, played by the Chief Blue Meanie. It looks like the ring from Help!, and he fondles and inspects it.)
Isildur (Victor Spinetti)
With this ring, I could… dare I say it… rule the world!
Man (Roy Kinnear)
C'mon, man! You've got t'destroy that thing!
Isildur
No! It's mine! You can't have it! (suddenly struck by lightning)
Narrator
The ring betrayed him, it did.
(Ring goes flying and lands ploop! in a muddy lake)
Man
Well, I guess that's good enough.
Narrator
But some things that shouldn't have been forgotten were. As time went by, everyone got a little bit older and a little bit slower, and rumor became legend, legend became myth. Until, it was found by the most unlikely creature…
(Smeagol and Deagol are together in a boat fishing)
Deagol (?)
Nothing like a good fishing trip, eh, Smeagol?
Smeagol (John Lennon)
You can say that again, Deagol.
Deagol (line is tugged violently)
I got one! It's big!
Smeagol
Go, Deagol!
(Suddenly, Deagol is pulled into the muddy lake)
Smeagol
Deagol? Deagol!
Deagol (appearing above the surface)
ptui Hey, look at what I found!
(Smeagol follows Deagol as they both head for shore)
Smeagol (squatting down next to Deagol)
'Ey, what is that?
Deagol
Dunno. Some ring. It's pretty, though.
Smeagol (looking at it greedily)
Can I 'ave it? It's me birthday, y'know.
Deagol
Er… no. No, you can't 'ave it!
Smeagol
Give it to me! (jumps on Deagol and they wrestle)
Both
Mine! Mine!
(Smeagol grabs Deagol by the throat and chokes him)
Deagol
gak gak (dies w/ eyes open)
(Smeagol pries the ring out of Deagol's dead hand and puts it on)
Smeagol (sings)
It's Smeagol's birthday… it's Smeagol's birthday…
Voice
'Ey, 'oo's there?
(Smeagol looks around nervously and then dashes off to the mountains)
Narrator
Smeagol never returned to his town, but lived in the depths of the Misty Mountains. The ring gave him an unnaturally long life, and transformed him until he knew no more of the outside, and became the creature known as Gollum. Soon he needed glasses.
(We see Smeagol over time as he turns into Gollum, looking like John with stringy hair, his granny glasses, and a heroin addiction.)
Narrator
But then, the ring got bored and decided to move on to another host. But it didn't know it would wind up in the hands of… a Hobbit.
Bilbo (Brian Epstein)
What's this? (picks up the ring from the muddy cave floor) Oh, I can't see a thing. Oh well. (puts it in his pocket)
Gollum (in the distance)
Our birthday present, preciousss! Where iss it? It'sss lossst!
Narrator
And for years, the ring faded in obscurity, Bilbo never knowing what it was or where it came from. He thought of it as a sort of souvenir from his adventure, and no more than a magic ring. Until one day…
