Ed rubbed his temple as he quietly mulled over how to approach what he wanted, needed to do. When no clear answers came to him, he leaned against the wall and sighed. It had taken all morning and afternoon and half of his evening to finally gather the courage to go upstairs where Darius and Heinkel were at, and now that he was here, Ed found it near impossible to take the simple action of knocking on their bedroom door.
Today Greed had declared it a free day where they had no chores or responsibilities. The idea had been for all of them to take it easy and rest up. It presented the perfect opportunity for him to gather his wits and pull himself together. Unfortunately, but predictably, his brain had other plans and had him spending the entire day overthinking every thought he had of Greed.
A week had passed since the woods, and Ed couldn't shake that night from his thoughts. After running into the woods, they ended up walking most of the way home. The dark clouds had cleared from the sky, leaving the moon to light their way. Greed didn't bring up the money he had won again, and instead wanted Ed to tell him about what he wanted most in the world, a thought Ed refused to allow himself to have. Wanting too much had only led to regret and pain.
He simply told Greed he wanted them to win and for everyone to live. If he could have one thing, that would be it, except, that wasn't entirely true. It hadn't been a lie either. More of an omission of a larger problem developing in his mind.
If he allowed himself too much indulgence, it always led back to that night, and to a lesser extent, every other where they were alone. When Greed had taken him out to celebrate his already passed birthday, something had shifted for him, bringing a desire and longing he had tried to pass off as an annoying part of growing up and becoming a man.
He could still feel the touch of Greed's hand on his shoulder, hear the way Greed had laughed carelessly and freely. He hadn't had that much fun in a long time, but what stuck with him was how easy it had been to fall for Greed's charming smile and easy-going nature and deep, sensual voice. Simple gestures and jokes had pulled laughs and camaraderie from him as if they had been long-time friends and not two strangers brought together by a common enemy.
A part of him wanted to scrub those thoughts from his mind while another part of him, the greedier and almost desperate side, wanted to cling onto the feelings they invoked and keep them close until it swallowed him whole. He really was the worst.
If he couldn't completely let it go, at the very least, he wanted to pretend those feelings didn't exist. Ed had never been good at lying to himself. Not since he convinced Al that they could bring their mother back. That had been the biggest lie Ed had told himself and he managed to drag his baby brother down with him. He wouldn't make that mistake again. He couldn't very well confess his distractions either, which left him with a nearly impossible puzzle to solve.
He hated the idea of lying to his friends but keeping his feelings stuffed down with nowhere to go was ruining his ability to concentrate. Omitting or keeping his thoughts to himself felt safe, comforting, and for a while he had fallen into an easy routine of excusing it all away as a weird side effect of puberty because that had been the most logical way to explain away how Greed made him feel.
The other night had ruined that. Ed could no longer deny it to himself—he had a crush on his friend, and he hated it. He had tried to push those thoughts away, but they kept coming back, needling at him until it consumed all his time. He had tried to distract himself with reading but had gotten nowhere. He often found himself staring at the same page for hours.
Why did his dumb brain do stuff like this? It wasn't fair to any of them. All it did was serve as a distraction when he needed to focus most. An errant thought that disrupted everything he had planned work towards. He had two goals right now: to get his brother's body back and stop Father from harvesting the life from everyone in the country. Then after, if he survived, he had other goals, and he owed it to the people he cared about, who stuck by him through every mistake he had made, to see it through.
He had enough to worry about without adding another obstacle to overcome in his life, and that wasn't even considering Greed only saw him as a friend. Ed had yet to catch any hint or sign of interest thrown his way. A relief in its own right while also complicating his situation. He couldn't talk to Ling or Greed about any of this. He only needed to work out how to make it through these feelings until spring. Only another month and he'd be free.
Once the Promised Day was over, they would go their separate ways. It might be a long time before he even saw Greed. He would have Al to take care of. Seeing how frail his brother's body had been… there was no way Al would instantly recover after getting his body back. Ed was looking at least a year, maybe longer before Al got back on his feet, and Xing was so far away. It had taken Ling months to arrive by crossing the desert. If Ed went by sea, it would be a longer trip. The idea of being stuck in a boat that could sink unsettled him.
The short bit of time he had spent in the desert had been hellish let alone making the trip all the way across. Even if Ed could manage to survive the heat with his automail, would he be able to cross that line, knowing Greed would also be sharing Ling's body? What would he do once he got there? How would he even begin to explain his feelings or reason for going? What kind of life could he possibly have with Greed? There were clear differences between homunculi and humans.
And then there was Winry. She deserved the best in life. He owed her so much, and she asked or expected anything in return. Ed wasn't going to let her down despite Greed's questions being enough to make him question his own motivations. He refused to let this ruin any of it. Never mind that he had never considered being with another man before. He didn't mind that aspect of it but more so what it threatened to upend. It scared him to think of how it would change not only his life but everyone else involved.
If, for some reason, he did manage to make it work, if Greed returned his feelings, if Winry wouldn't get hurt, he could never follow Greed and stay by his side. Eventually, regardless if he meant or wanted to, Ed would end up leaving Greed alone. His body would grow older as Greed's stayed the same. It felt cruel and selfish to pursue something he knew would only end in pain and suffering when he wouldn't be around to bear part of the burden.
He sighed. He could go in circles with this all day long. The only logical thing to do was to gather more information and take the total sum of what he learned so that he could finally put these thoughts and feelings to rest. He needed to vent all his doubts to someone, get affirmation that there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with him, and move on.
Ed pushed himself away from the wall, glanced at the door then quickly looked away again. He inched a little closer until there was hardly any space left between him and the old wooden door frame. He raised his hand in mid-air before he shuffled his feet a bit. He almost lowered it, turned back around, and walked away but instead inhaled a deep breath and knocked. Ignoring the problem wouldn't make it go away and maybe Darius or Heinkel could help him sort it out.
He heard some muttering, then footsteps. Heinkel opened the bedroom door. Ed closed his hands into fists lest he bolt from the hallway and run back down the stairs.
Heinkel looked down at Ed and grumbled, "If Greed sent you about the—"
"Greed didn't send me," Ed interrupted. "I, uh…" he paused, "I wanted to ask you and Darius something that's been buggin' me." Ed peered around Heinkel. "Mind if I come in?"
Heinkel gave Ed a curious look. "Sure," he said, stepping aside.
Ed slipped in underneath Heinkel's left arm before either of them could change their minds.
The room hadn't been quite what he expected. He never came up here, partly because Greed usually had him distracted with some new plan or job but mostly because he didn't want to intrude. If they weren't downstairs with him and Greed then surely, they were up here wanting to spend time alone, and regardless of the reasons behind it, Ed understood not wanting to be around other people.
Sometimes he wondered what it looked like. Ed's imagination had come up with a couple different scenarios but seeing the paint chipped off the walls and a bed that was in shambles wasn't one of them even though it made the most sense, given how the rest of the house looked. Now he felt bad for not visiting sooner. He could have fixed it up a little for them.
Darius glanced at Heinkel then at Ed. "Something you want, boss?"
"I—" Ed shook his head while he nervously drummed his fingers against his thighs. "Never mind. This was a stupid idea." His voice was shaky and cracked. He turned around to leave only to have Heinkel gently grab the back of his shirt.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Heinkel asked. "You want us to go down and tell Greed to leave you alone? Sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his damned mouth shut."
"No… nothing happened." Ed sighed. That wasn't entirely a lie. "Greed doesn't have—" He stopped. Greed had everything to do with this. "It's not his fault." His thoughts were twisted up. He knew what he wanted to ask but getting there was the hard part. "Not exactly." He lifted his face and looked them both in the eyes. "This doesn't leave the room. I got some questions I wanna ask you, and I need you both to promise you won't say anything or be weird about it. I don't want to be teased about it either, okay."
Darius glanced at Heinkel. Maybe it was the shakiness of his voice or the somberness in his tone but they both nodded. "Yeah, sure, kid."
Ed turned away then wandered over to the window. He held his breath for a few seconds before slowly letting it out. He could spot a small group of birds in the trees. He focused on that while fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
His eyes darted back and forth between them as he tried to work out what question to start with. Ed balled his hands into fists then he looked down at his boots. "How… how did you know you were into guys?"
It was so quiet that Ed glanced up and looked at them both. He knew his question had come out of nowhere, at least from their perspective, but he had been sitting on that particular one for a while and it seemed like a good way to ease himself into what he really wanted to tell them.
Darius shrugged a little. "I knew when I was a kid. Didn't say anything about it, but I knew. Never really got it when other boys would tease and pick on girls because they liked them. I was too busy looking at how the other boys were cute. Knew better than to say anything about it but all the kid crushes I had growing up were boys."
Ed scrunched up his nose as he thought on that. He had never really had any crushes when he was a kid other than him and Al occasionally arguing about who would marry Winry, but before they went off to train with Teacher, when Ed still went to school, he remembered some of his classmates having simple, childish crushes. He remembered Al having crushes.
Ed hardly remembered a time when he didn't have something taking his attention away from the normal things children did. At a very young age, he took on the responsibility of taking care of Al so his baby brother could enjoy those things, and now it seemed as if it finally caught up to him, only now, in a much different, more distracting way.
"I remember the first time I knew," Heinkel's voice cut through Ed's thoughts. "I was thirteen and had gotten into a fight with this kid I went to school with. The teachers put us both in a room with the other bad kids. One of them had one of those dirty magazines he had hidden in his coat."
Ed's face warmed but his curiosity grew. "What did it have in it?"
Heinkel held up a hand. "It wasn't anything extreme. Mostly pretty ladies in their underwear or topless but all the other boys in the room loved it, and I was too busy looking at the half-dressed man photographed alongside the women. It didn't really hit me then but later when I was alone in bed that night and thinking about it."
"And neither of you said anything to anyone about it?" Ed asked. "You didn't talk to any of your friends or family?"
"Nah," Darius shrugged. "Telling people would've gotten me teased as a kid and probably disowned by my parents, and by the time I joined the military, I noticed other people like me but it was always kept quiet."
"Like a dirty secret no one wanted to admit to," Heinkel added. "My mom might've been alright with it, but my old man would've kicked my ass."
Ed frowned. He didn't like the thought of either of them feeling like they had to stay hidden. He kept that thought to himself, though so as to not derail the conversation. Ed moved away from the windowsill, and sat down on an old wooden chair near the busted-up dresser. He swung his legs while he worked up the nerve to ask his next question. "Is it possible to like both guys and girls?"
Darius and Heinkel shared a look then nodded. "Why wouldn't it be?" Darius asked.
"I dunno. Wasn't sure if it was normal to be attracted to both, and I definitely am, I think..." Ed folded his arms across his chest. "Never really gave it much thought before. It's not like I've never noticed people before, but I never really thought about it outside knowing they were handsome or pretty or attractive. And whenever I did start to venture off there, I'd always push it away. Tell myself I didn't have time. Getting Al's body back is more important. That will always come first, but now it's harder to push that stuff aside and ignore it. Sometimes I catch myself staring and—"
"What's this all about?" Darius asked. "Did someone give you a hard time?" Darius frowned. "Did Greed give you a hard time?"
"No… no, it's not that." Ed swung his legs again. "Just been noticing some stuff is all. Like, before I might've seen someone that I thought, okay, they're nice to look at and that was it... nothing else happened, and now, you know," he paused, "And now it's hard not to react, physically, and … it's ... embarrassing, especially when there's someone else around and they notice."
Heinkel glanced at Darius then gave Ed a long, hard look. "Does this have to do with you sleeping in the same tent as Greed?"
How did they know already? His face warmed then grew hot. Ed shook his head and looked away. "I—" He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, then repeated a few more times until he could gather his thoughts. "Why would you bring that up?"
Heinkel shrugged. "You've been acting differently around him since then. Thought maybe you two had a fight... but we would have heard it from our tents."
"Yeah, no offense but when you two argue, it gets loud," Darius added.
"And it fits what you're asking and why you'd be different around him," Heinkel added. "Did he tease you about it?"
"No," Ed quietly said. "He didn't tease me about it. He didn't care." It was in that moment Ed realized how much it had bothered him for Greed to shrug it off and act like it was no big deal.
At the time he had been grateful but now... it only proved what he thought. Greed didn't see him as anything more than a friend, if he even considered Ed to be a friend.
Darius frowned. "That's a good thing, right?"
"I guess so. It saved me a world of embarrassment so..." Ed shrugged. "I shouldn't feel disappointed."
"You wanted him to make a big deal about it?" Heinkel asked.
"No, maybe... I don't know!" Ed threw his hands up in the air. "That's the problem. I don't know how I feel about it or how I should feel about it or why I feel certain things whenever I think about it." His posture deflated but his voice rose. "I can't like Greed! I just can't! It wouldn't work out." He inhaled a deep breath as his face heated then closed his mouth.
Apparently, his mouth was determined to out him even though his mind was screaming for him to stop talking and leave. He didn't dare look at Darius or Heinkel, afraid of what kind of look might be directed towards. Pity? Amusement? Disappointment? Disinterest?
Ed sat quietly and waited for the shoe to drop so to speak.
"Who said anything about like?" Darius asked. "It's normal to react to that kind of thing at your age."
It was more than that. Ed had always thought Ling attractive, but so far that hadn't turned into anything more than a physical attraction, an appreciation that his best friend was nice to look at. Greed was a different story. The confidence and cocky attitude that was surprisingly complimented by a soft and almost gentle center made him want more of it. Made him react. Made him wake up hard or with wet between his legs.
"Yeah, but it's not... it's not the same as when I see someone in passing that looks good." Ed worried his bottom lip. "I can't explain it but it's not that I think Greed looks good." He made a face. "I—okay, sure he looks good. Really good but that's not what gets to me about him."
"What's different about it?" Heinkel asked. "You think you might want more with him?"
"I dunno... it feels different this time. Feels more like how I look at Winry." Ed finally raised his eyes. "Sometimes I catch myself staring too long and then I get—" His face warmed. "I get turned on. Sometimes I have dreams that'll wake me up and it's... it's messy and the only other time I've come close to that is whenever I'm alone with Winry and I'd always have to think about alchemic equations to take my mind off it."
"Alchemic equations?" Darius asked as he held back a laugh.
"Yeah, it helps take my mind off it, okay," Ed groused. "Helps keep me grounded whenever I get stressed out."
"Okay, so you get excited when the boss is around. Doesn't mean you have it bad for him," Heinkel said.
"But I wanna spend more time with him, be around him whenever I can even though I know it's going to make it worse." Ed fiddled with his pants pockets. For as much as Greed got under his skin, lately he made Ed laugh more often than not, and more importantly, Greed always stuck around no matter how terrible of a mood he was in. "Sometimes I wanna ask him to sleep next to me, but I know that's a mistake because then... then I'll do something stupid and mess everything up."
"If you're worried about it messing things up between you, maybe you should take a room upstairs? Put some space between you," Darius suggested.
Ed shook his head. "Won't work. It gets cold up here. Greed'll come looking for me so I don't freeze my ass off, and besides, I don't want to sleep in a cold room. Makes it too hard to function the next day." He raised his right arm then let it drop to his side. "I would try to get Greed to take a room upstairs but he acts like he doesn't want me out of his sight for too long like I'm not capable of takin' care of myself."
Heinkel opened his mouth, glanced at Darius, then closed it. He gave Ed a curious look as if he had something he wanted to say but wasn't quite ready or sure how to say it.
"What?" Ed frowned. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Heinkel sighed then scratched the back of his neck. He glanced over at Darius who simply shrugged and gave Heinkel a knowing look. "You really want a break from him?"
Ed frowned, unsure of how to take the silent exchange between them. They knew something. A part of him wanted to push, but the louder, anxious part of him told him to let it alone because there were no such things as take backs. Once he knew he wouldn't be able to undo it.
"It's not a matter of what I want 'cause right now I don't trust myself to want the right thing." Ed stood up, paused, then looked Heinkel in the eyes. "It would be better if I had a break."
Heinkel nodded. "Alright. I'll see if I can keep Greed distracted for you. Ask him to come on a couple runs with me. I don't think this will last very long since he seems to want you as his partner but it might get you a few days' worth of space."
"Yeah, we can tell him we need a breather from doing runs together all the time," Darius said. "That'll give you a break until night."
Ed's eyes widened at their offer. He hadn't expected them to help. "You sure you wanna do this? I should be the one taking care of it. It's my problem."
"Eh, he's always got you doing one thing or another. A break'll do you some good," Heinkel said with a small shrug.
"Besides, Greed always has us doing the same boring errands. I wouldn't mind doing something different now and then," Darius added.
"Yeah, okay but," Ed tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth then sighed. "He can't know about the reasons. He can't know about this. No one else can."
Heinkel went over to Ed and patted him on the shoulder. "Your secret's safe with us, kid."
"Do you know..." Ed paused. "Do you know how to get rid of these kinds of feelings?"
Darius sat down on the old bed. "Usually, you gotta live with it until enough time passes and they fade."
Ed exhaled a soft breath. He had learned to live with a lot, but somehow this felt more daunting. "Makes sense." Though, a part of him had hoped for an easy out. "Thanks for lettin' me bug you guys about this stuff."
"Any time," Heinkel gave Ed's shoulder one last squeeze. "You didn't give up on us when you could've so we got you covered even if it's just more questions."
"Yeah, and if you need any back up, let us know," Darius said with a nod. "It's not good to keep all that bottled up inside. Eventually, it's gotta come out or else it'll eat away at you."
"Alright, okay, if I need anything else, I'll ask for it." Emotion overwhelmed Ed. His eyes were moist and for the first time in a while, he felt a small measure of relief. He nodded then turned around, smiling softly as he left the room.
Ed sat on the floor and picked at the top of his boot laces. It had been four days since his conversation with Darius and Heinkel. Ever since, he had been noticing things he hadn't before like how irritable Greed was with the switch up.
Their plan had worked the first couple of days, and Greed had seemed blissfully unaware of why they all wanted the change, only becoming put-out by the fact that neither Darius or Heinkel were as fun to be around as Ed, according to him. Greed had tried to pass it off as being bored with them staying here and not having anyone to get into trouble with, but Ed knew he didn't like the change even though he had gone along with it, at least for a short period of time.
Ed knew Greed didn't like having him out of his sight. It was the why that confused him. He didn't get the chance to watch from a distance and work it out for himself before Greed announced that they were going back to their original pair-ups. When they all protested, it ended up in Ed watching the most epic display of childishness from Greed. He had never seen Greed so obstinately throw his weight around and insist they were his possessions who agreed to follow and do his bidding. Ed had been the only one to get the tantrum to stop. Then afterwards, things had gone back to normal or what was normal for them.
He exhaled a soft sigh. It hadn't made much of a difference anyways. With Greed out of his line of sight, Ed had gotten hardly anything done. His thoughts constantly cycled back to where Greed was at, what he might be doing, what Ed was missing. He only managed to do the bare minimum with Darius' help so that Greed wouldn't question the new set-up, but everything had been pushed aside by very thoughts he wanted to /
The plan had been good, it was his brain that needed reworked.
In less than a month, if they survived their fight with Father, their little group would be disbanded and it would probably be a long time since he'd see Greed again. Eventually, he'd age, get old, and… it wouldn't matter anymore.
"What's got you so spooked?" Greed sat down on the busted couch and let both his legs settle on either side of Ed.
"Hmm?" Ed turned around and looked up. Greed was looking at him expectantly. He frowned. "Nothin's got me spooked. Just thinking is all."
Greed tilted his head a bit and raised both eyebrows. "Alright, then what is going on in that big brain of yours?"
"Why are you bein' so damned nosy?" Ed crabbily asked. Then almost immediately guilt prickled up in him. He shrugged. "Thinkin' about what I'm gonna do after this is all over."
"Aren't ya going to marry your girl?" Greed teased, although there was something else in his voice Ed couldn't place.
"Yeah... but that's not all I'm going to do. It's not like I'm going to get married then my life's going to be over." Ed moved away from the couch to put some space between them. He glanced down at the book in his lap. Why did it feel like he was trying to convince himself instead of Greed? "What do you plan on doing after this is all over?"
Ed realized somewhere between the formation of their group and now he was genuinely curious what Greed wanted to do when this was all over. He knew what Ling wanted, but that left him turning the question of what did Greed want?
"That's for me to know and no one else." Greed chuckled. "Can't say my plans aren't big."
A soft smile spread across his lips. "How do I know they're big if you won't tell me about them?"
"You callin' me a liar?" Greed chided, though there was no malice in his words.
"Nope but your idea of big might not be the same as my idea of big or even someone else's. You don't wanna make all these plans only to have them seem small, right?" Ed teased. "What if you tell me you wanna go back to Dublith and rebuild your bar? Nothin' wrong with that but wouldn't call it big either."
Greed raised an eyebrow. "Are you messing with me?"
"I dunno... maybe." Ed stifled a laugh lest he get caught.
"Why the fuck would I wanna go back to Dublith anyway?" Greed scowled. "I don't even remember what I looked like or what my life was like. There's nothing for me there."
"You don't remember what you looked like?" Ed set the book down on the floor and turned around so he was facing Greed.
"No. The old bastard didn't leave me much to work with." Greed leaned into the corner of the couch and spread his legs out.
"Want me to tell you?" Ed asked.
That grabbed Greed's attention. "Yeah, guess you would know, huh?"
"Okay... well... you were tall. Really tall." Ed held up his left arm for emphasis. "Freakishly tall. With sharp teeth and big muscles."
Greed grew quiet as his eyes settled on Ed. "What else did I look like," he asked.
All teasing left Ed with how curious Greed looked. "Um, well, your hair was short. Your eye color was a little different too. Dunno if that's 'cause you're sharing your body with Ling or if Father just wanted something different this time, but they used to be more purple."
Greed draped his right arm across the edge of the couch then rested his chin across it. Ed felt his heart beat speed up at the new relaxed position. It shouldn't affect him like this. All Greed had to do was look at him and Ed's thoughts were already turning circles in his head.
"Tell me about the muscles I had." Greed asked with a grin. "How big were they?"
Ed's stomach fluttered. "Uh," he looked away from Greed and shifted. "Well..." He quickly glanced up as he picked at the bottom of his pant legs. "You weren't as big as Dairus and Heinkel but not far off."
Greed made a face. "This body is small and skinny. Gonna have'ta work on that."
Ed gave Greed a sour look. Ling wasn't that small, especially for his age. "Yeah, well... at least Ling'll grow some more and if you workout that'll take care of the muscles."
"You think the brat will grow more? Homunculi stay the same size," Greed pointed out.
"That's true for the rest of them but Wrath ages so I'm guessing it works differently for human-based homunculi," Ed countered.
"So I might get taller?"
"I dunno, maybe? It's possible. I don't know how much different you are now that you're sharing a body with a human." Ed didn't think he'd ever get a chance to find out either. "Since you don't remember much about the way you were before it's impossible to know unless we asked the other homunculi and not really tryin' to do that. Didn't they tell you anything about yourself?"
Greed gently shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. I know we're not much different than humans except it takes a lot to kill us, and they do eat or else they'll slowly burn up stones to survive, but I don't think Envy eats much if at all." Then Greed's eyes settled on Ed's. "There were some things I already knew when he put into Ling. Like who he was and that I was supposed to follow him. How to talk and move around but that's about it."
"Like an amnesia patient," Ed said quietly.
"Uh?" Greed furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
"It's like someone who gets amnesia," Ed titled his head a little. "Father said you were a different Greed because he remade you and erased your memories, but you still have them or at least some of them locked away in your mind since you do have some bits and pieces that get through. It's no different than when someone loses their memory. They still know how to talk and do basic stuff but their memories of people and places are gone."
"Never thought of it that way." Greed sat there silently as he mulled over what Ed said.
The air between them felt odd. Ed knew it was likely on his end, and his emotions were getting the better of him, but it wasn't often he saw this kind of vulnerability in Greed. The way Greed rested his head against his hand. The way his brows were furrowed as he considered Ed's words. The curiosity in his wine-colored eyes.
Something stirred inside Ed, and he felt heat move down his body and settle in his groin. He wanted to move in closer, curl up against Greed and stay like that for as long as he was allowed. He wanted to tell Greed about how they met the first time and what happened but he didn't dare cross that line.
He shifted to his body to hide his embarrassment. "It's getting late." Ed exhaled slowly, flopping onto his side and pulling the thin blanket over his body. "I'm gonna get some sleep before I catch my second wind."
"It's only midnight," Greed complained. "You're usually up longer."
But Ed didn't answer. He closed his eyes and let his breathing even out, to give the appearance of him sleeping, leaving Greed alone in his own thoughts.
Greed sat propped up against the ratty couch, watching Ed sleep as he thought over their conversation from earlier. Once Ed had finally fallen asleep instead of pretending, he moved from the couch and onto the floor to get a closer look. He liked the way Ed had described him. It sounded more badass, dangerous.
It was after three in the morning and Dairus and Heinkel had long gone up to their room. Everything was quiet except the sound of his stone inside his head. He loved this time of night where he could sit in relative peace and watch Ed. The things humans did while asleep fascinated him, and ever since Ed grew over overnight that first time, he had taken on the task of seeing if he could catch the kid in the act.
He heard a snort of laughter in his thoughts.
Ling might find it funny, but as the leader of their group, it was his responsibility to make sure Ed didn't suddenly outgrow his automail and catch them all by surprise.
Tomorrow he planned on giving his order to go back to Resembool by the week's end. The decision hadn't been easy for him to make. He liked it here. This house was cozy and out of the way. They had everything they needed and could make a home of it for a while except Ed kept growing. Nothing too extreme, at least not yet, but his gate was off more today than when he had taken Ed to that town.
He needed his favorite minion in top condition, and while he wouldn't offer up an explanation if asked, Greed felt bad watching Ed struggle to regain his balance whenever he had to move quickly. The kid deserved better than to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere when he needed his automail adjusted to match his new height.
The thought made something inside him squeeze a little. When did he become so soft enough to care about those small details? That Ed would be useless against his old man should have been enough, yet he couldn't deny he did care.
Greed frowned and shook those thoughts away.
'Ed's off limits, Greed. We can't take him with us to Xing, and I won't stay in Amestris when this is all over.'
The finality and implication of that statement irritated Greed. Who the hell was Ling to presume how he felt? 'The Kid's mine. It's the same as Darius and Heinkel are,' he said in his thoughts.
Ling scoffed. 'I thought you said you didn't lie? Or do you make it a habit of only lying to yourself?'
"I'm not lying," Greed muttered out loud.
He liked Ed. The kid had enough fire and vitality to keep the spark in their group going. Even when Ed was having one of his off days, he still shined like the brightest star in the sky. Greed liked Darius and Heinkel too, but they were more simplistic with their reactions. He didn't find them boring but predictable, the calming force their group needed.
They all mattered to him, but Ed was passion and strength and vulnerability all threaded together by his wits and intellect. Greed couldn't deny that kind of force called to him and held a certain amount of sway with him, but he didn't want Ed in that way. The kid was too young, barely looked older than...
Except...
'I know how you feel when you're around him. It's not the same with Darius and Heinkel.'
Greed scowled. 'Piss off.' He should have laid into Ling for even suggesting he'd lower himself enough to lie, but his eyes were fixated on the way the firelight cast a shadow across Ed's blanket.
He titled his head as he watched Ed sleep. Maybe not so much a kid anymore.
There was something that wouldn't leave his thoughts, though. Maybe it had been the way the moonlight had hit Ed's face and gave his hair that gorgeous golden glow, or maybe it was a precursor of what was to come. Watching Ed sleep convinced him even more so that it was the /
"It's not my fault he's so damned pretty," he muttered.
'You might be able to fool the others and even yourself, but I know how you feel, Greed.'
He ignored Ling's words. In the glow of the firelight, it hit Greed hard that this feeling, whatever it was, would only grow into a monster of its own. One that had managed to creep up on him and take him by surprise. How had he missed this? Why did it start so suddenly?
'It didn't start tonight,' Ling said.
Ling was right. Deep down, Greed knew the brat was right. This strange feeling had come before only he had been able to stuff it down and not acknowledge it.
Ed stirred in his sleep, and for a brief second, Greed thought he might've woken Ed up. His body relaxed when nothing happened. He could hardly be angry with Ling. It had been his own idea to take Ed out that other night. It hadn't been Ling's fault he agreed to let Ed work for him. It hadn't been Ling's idea for Greed to crawl into Ed's tent to keep him warm or make sure he was getting enough to eat.
Greed had been the one to do those things. All of it had been him. He wanted a team again, another family so he eagerly accepted a chance to give his avarice what it craved. Possessions he could call his own. Now that he had them, it wasn't enough. There was still something missing, an emptiness deep inside of him, a thirst he could never seem to quench. The realization of what his craving might represent left an uneasy feeling in him.
Ed moved again and made a soft, almost needy sound in his sleep. The shadow from the fire flickered across his face and the moonlight shone on his hair, making it shine brightly, and briefly, Greed could see the loveliness that was Edward Elric and how he would become a beautiful man whose passion and vibrancy and selflessness would only magnify it.
Damn Ling for making him see something he hadn't before. The words Ling spoke resonated through his mind. Ed was off limits. The bitterness in knowing Ling was right coursed through him. Once this was over, they all would leave him, but it always needled him the most that Ed would go. Leave this for a boring, regular, everyday life, and fuck if someone like Ed didn't deserve to have something normal, something sane.
Greed's fingers dug into his knees as an overwhelming feeling of need and possessiveness took a hold of him. Much stronger this time than before. He had felt this way on occasion when he took Ed with him for a run or when they were alone but not quite like this. The intensity of it shocked him. This was something he wanted and couldn't have because for as much as he wanted to call Ed his possession, Greed knew better.
Ed was far more precious to him than a mere object. He was a treasure that Greed could chase and would never be able to catch. If he forced Ed to stay with him, those golden eyes would end up looking at him with hate and resentment. The thought of that was almost unbearable to him.
It was at that moment, as he watched the rise and fall of Ed's chest, Greed realized he was going to have a problem on his hands. It didn't matter if they defeated his old man or if his plan to take over Father's stones came to fruition. In the end, he would still end up losing the one thing he craved the most, and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it.
