It always seemed to happen this way. Kelsey would be just wonderful for a few days after she'd been grounded. She'd seem ashamed and remorseful, and acted like a perfect angel around the house. Her younger sister who adored her would fall even more in love with her, and her parents could take a short sigh of relief.
Then the boredom would kick in, and in turn, the resentment. Since the age of about twelve, Kelsey had turned into a wild child. She'd always been upset and confused about why her father had walked out on her, and her teen angst really riled up as anger towards Sara and Nick. Kelsey hated Sara for seemingly driving her father away, and she resented Nick for trying to take his place. All these emotions were magnified when she was in trouble. It was a reminder that she thought Nick was trying to control her, and that Sara was willing to let him. And unfortunately nowadays, Kelsey was in trouble quite frequently, whether it was poor grades at school, her sometimes abysmal behavior, and her general bad attitude.
"Thank you, sir. I appreciate you calling." Nick put the phone down forcefully and took in a deep breath. He thought Kelsey's antics would never end. Nick loved his daughter, but sometimes she could make him so angry. He walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up.
"Kelsey Marie Stokes, get your butt down here now!"
Nick looked over to where Chloe was watching cartoons again on the sofa, and asked her to go play outside.
"Is Kelsey in trouble again?"
"Yes, sweetheart. I need you to stay outside for a few minutes, okay?"
Nick didn't want his youngest daughter growing up thinking all he ever did was yell, but it seemed like it to him. Kelsey was a trouble-maker, and he was always having to correct her and discipline her seemingly endlessly. He asked Chloe to go outside so she wouldn't hear her father raise his voice once again, which he was sure he would have to.
"What!" Kelsey yelled as she leaned out her bedroom door. Chloe quickly got up and went outside. Her sister had done it again. Chloe wished Kelsey would just be a good girl like she always tried to be.
"I said, get down here now." Nick repeated calmly, with his hands on his hips. Kelsey sighed, rolled her eyes, and shut her bedroom door, making her way down the stairs. What had she done now? Her parents were always on her about something or other.
"What is it?" She asked him as she reached the last step. Kelsey stood peering over him, wanting to get this lecture over with. Plus, it made her seem taller and more in control.
"Go sit down on the couch." He told her.
"I'd rather not."
"Don't get smart with me." Nick scowled, taking his daughter's arm and pulling her towards the couch. "Get over there."
Kelsey reluctantly went to the couch and put her feet up on the table, knowing Nick wouldn't like it. Her father was all about respect, and she knew it ticked him off when she didn't show this towards him.
Nick chose to ignore her current posture, because he knew she was trying to push his buttons. He had to pick his battles these days.
"I just got off the phone with the dean again, Kelsey."
He waited, giving her a chance to explain herself and come clean, but she didn't bite.
"You were grounded last month because you were failing three subjects in school, and part of the plan was you going to those after-school math help sessions. Are you remembering this?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?" He called her on it, because she was being disrespectful with her tone and posture. Kelsey sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Yes, SIR."
"Thank you. The dean said you have not been to a single session in the last week, and you are still failing all three subjects. Are you aware of this?"
"I don't pay that close attention to my grades."
"Well, you better start caring. Do you ever think about your future? No college would let you in with grades like you have right now, Kelsey. You're not even trying!" Nick started, "All through school, you got all A's and B's, and when you hit eighth grade, it all hit the fan. What is going on, Kel? I need to know."
"I just realized what a crock the American education system is."
"How so?"
Nick was all about debating with his daughter, allowing her to explain herself. She was getting better about expressing herself, but there were still usually holes in her thinking.
"Did you know we have the worst math scores in almost the entire civilized world? And that 'No Child Left Behind' crap? Please! That's not how society works. Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a friggin' crime scene investigator, or whatever the hell you do."
"Sweetheart, you just contradicted yourself." Nick pointed out.
"Whatever."
"What are you going to do about math?" Nick got back to the point, ignoring her dismissiveness. If she wouldn't care about her schoolwork, he'd see to it that she did.
"I don't care about school like you do, dad! I don't want to grow up and solve crimes. I want to be a beautician."
"Even being a beautician takes smarts." Nick pointed out.
"Uh-uh! Aivy's sister is a beautician and she's a complete idiot!"
"You're really not helping your case, here, Kel. They're not gonna want to hire someone who doesn't even have a high school diploma. That's a fact."
Kelsey studied her black finger nail polish curiously, knowing her father was right. But that didn't mean she was going to acknowledge it. Her latest hobby was ticking him off, and she liked to argue just for the fun of it. She didn't even know if she wanted to be a beautician. That was just way to Frenchie.
"Kelsey, I hate to have to manage you like this, and I know you don't like it either. Do I need to start meeting you outside your last period class to make sure you go to the help sessions?"
"No!" Ugh – what was he thinking? Sometimes he was so embarrassing.
"Then please don't make me." Nick told her seriously. "Because I will if you don't start helping yourself. I'll give you one more week, and then I'm checking with the dean again. Deal?"
"Fine." She muttered as she got up from the couch and hurried up the stairs. Nick just sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He hoped he was getting through to her, but didn't know if this was the right way. They'd tried everything short of sending her to counseling and medicating her. He and Sara had been discussing at length lately whether to try something like that or not. They didn't know if that would drive her further away.
CSI CSI CSI CSI CSI CSI
warning – this section contains a self-mutilation scene – don't read if this bugs you
Kelsey slammed the door shut and locked the door, turning the music up loud.
Tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
Kelsey opened her bottom desk drawer and reached way in the back until she found the tiny razor blade. She glared at the door as she pushed back her short-sleeved shirt past her shoulder. There, she took in the sight of dozens of razor blade marks – some of them old and white, scars forever; and some of them fresh – still red and angry.
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
And become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me, and be less like you
I've become so numb
Kelsey's eyebrows knitted as she watched her skin. Why was she such a freak? She always watched the other kids at her high school, seemingly also so happy and carefree, and wondered why she wasn't the same way. Why was she so angry? Kelsey wished she was happy, but how did they do it? Thinking about how different she was scared her even more. There must be something really wrong with her.
She took the razor between her fingers and made a cut. Relief. She watched in awe as the deep red blood seeped out of the fresh wound, spilling onto her pale skin. Somehow, the emotional pain she'd been feeling seemed to disappear a little bit. Seeing the blood reminded her she was still alive; that she could still feel; that she had feelings just like everyone else, even if they never listened to her.
Kelsey hated school and most of the kids that went there. All the girls were Barbie wannabees, with their perfect smiles, perfect skin, and the latest outfits. Kelsey never wanted to be like them. They were all cookie cutters. But she didn't want to be like this. Not like this.
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
Kelsey cut herself again as the music continued. She had the worst parents in the world. They thought she was so awful, but they just didn't understand. Maybe if they just left her alone for once and stopped pestering her about school and her attitude, she would actually feel like changing. They were smothering her, especially her father. Kelsey knew they thought micromanaging her was what was best. She admitted she'd been a complete terror from eighth grade on. She would hate herself too, if she had herself as a child. What a brat she was. Kelsey hoped they would just give up on her soon and let her get on with her life.
Once she felt better, Kelsey grabbed a tissue from the box on her desk and started putting pressure on her new wounds. She would clean the razor blade later after her parents had gone to bed. When the bleeding stopped, Kelsey put the tissues in a small plastic bag, which she kept many of in her desk. Later, she would discreetly dispose of the bloodied tissues, stuffing them in the bottom of the family dumpster. Her parents were none the wiser, as long as she covered her tracks. Kelsey had been doing this for almost three years, so she was a pro at hiding it.
Kelsey wiped her eyes and washed her face in the bathroom, making sure there were no blood marks on her shirt. She walked back down the stairs to join her family as usual.
A/N: So, I guess I have a whole lot of explaining and disclaiming to do, huh? Well, first of all, I am in no way trying to put down or to promote self-mutilation. As a writer, I just wanted to explore the emotions, and hope I did an okay job. I did do a little research on websites.
Second of all, I'm not trying to insinuate that Linkin Park's Numb promotes self-mutilation, because it applies to so many different situations.
Third, this is actually a self-help fic, because I was actually a self-mutilator for a while (not cutting, but other ways), and fairly recently (within the last year, and other past years). So please know, that if you are a self-mutilator, I am in no way trying to dramatize feelings or say, wouldn't this be neat to write about. I don't know how you yourself feel, but the thoughts of Kelsey are inspired by my own feelings and those I researched on the internet. I hope no one takes offense to this. Thanks for reading!
