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Chapter 62

1930s Downton Abbey

Pippa watched as the door of her room closed behind Mary. She remained with the book clasped in her hands and her breaths heavy. Slowly, she sunk back down onto her mattress and rested back against the headrest. Her heart was racing in her chest; her body felt warm. And also, she felt incredibly guilty.

She shook that feeling away before reopening the book to get back to her reading. With her nimble fingers, she searched through the pages to find the chapter about child birth. She had just been getting to the good part. However, as her eyes glanced over the page, she found she couldn't focus on it. All she could see was the hurt in Mary's eyes. She sighed and closed the book, setting it next to her on the bed.

Her legs came up to her chest, and she hugged her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees. She had said nothing wrong, not really. It was true. While maybe Mary had raised her like a mother, she wasn't her mother. Mary had taken Pippa in because of Anna. She had been an obligation.

Pippa's face hid between her knees as she tried to quell the guilt in her chest. Hot tears stung at her eyes, forcing Pippa to close them harshly. She didn't cry. It wasn't what she did. She hadn't even cried in the fall when she fell out of the tree. She recalled being told by her grandparents how they couldn't remember many times of her crying as a child, even. But right now, she felt this harsh urge to cry. Nothing made sense. Not anymore.

She kicked the book off the bed, irrationally mad at it. Then she turned herself on her side and clung tightly to her pillow. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't allow it.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

With a smile on her lips, Anna entered Henry and Charlie's auto shop. She waved to Charlie, who pointed to the back room, saying that Henry and Mary were in there. Anna nodded and waved in return. She then made her way towards the back room and opened the door. Mary and Henry were talking, but stopped when they hear the door open. Henry gave Anna a smile. Anna closed the door behind them and walked up to Mary, like she always did when they were alone here, ready to give her a quick kiss. Mary, though, moved away from her and pretended to be busy with something on Henry's desk. Anna furrowed her brows slightly. Mary had never pulled away from her kisses. If anything, Mary was the bolder of the two when it came to intimacy outside of the bedroom. It was Anna who always shied away, afraid of being caught.

"So," Anna said, trying not to dwell too much on Mary's behavior. It was likely she was just overwhelmed or tired from the day. "You leave on Friday?"

"Yes," Henry solemnly answered.

"I know," Mary replied, frowning. "It's a pity. You going all that way to America. We're going to miss you."

"Well, you'll come and visit? Both of you? And the children?"

"Of course," Mary answered. She stepped further away from Anna. This time, it seemed Henry also picked up on Mary's behavior. Anna caught his eyes, glancing between the two of them.

"Are you excited?" Anna asked.

"Oh absolutely," Henry said. "Maggie and I look forward to finally being able to be with one another. Keeping in touch overseas has been difficult."

"Yes, I could see how that could be," Mary nodded.

"You'll come to the wedding this summer?" Henry questioned.

"That's the plan," Anna smiled. She had been excited about the new trip to America. It had been such a long time since they last traveled to America. It felt like a lifetime ago. John had just been executed, and she had been pregnant with Johnny. She and Mary hadn't even been in love then, but it had been the beginning of this crazy journey that's become their wonderful life together.

"Good," Henry said. He closed the book on his desk and then pointed to the settee in his office for Mary and Anna to sit down. They did.

Again, Mary remained further apart from Anna. Anna could not wrap her head around what could have happened since this morning. They had had a very good morning together.

"Yes, after the wedding, we're headed to a beautiful secluded beach house for the rest of the summer."

"How lovely," Henry commented.

"And where will you be honeymooning?"

Their conversation lasted a little while longer. They asked Henry about his plans for the shop, now that he would be going, and his plans for America. But Anna couldn't remain completely involved in the conversation with their friend. She was too focused on why Mary seemed to be short and cold with her this particular afternoon.

When they left the shop to head back to Downton, Mary was very quiet. Right when Anna opened her mouth to ask about it, Mary began to speak.

"Why did you tell Pippa she could read a book I told her she couldn't read?"

Anna cocked her head to the side, confused.

"Book? What book are you talking about? And since when was there a book she wasn't allowed to read?"

Mary tightened her lips.

"You didn't tell her she could read something I specifically told her she couldn't?" Mary asked.

"I…no, why…" Anna shook her head. "There was a book on your vanity that Pippa said she left in your room. That's the only conversation I can remember about a book, Mary."

Mary's shoulder's slumped slightly.

"Right."

"What's this all about?"

"Nothing, darling," Mary dismissively said before taking Anna's hand and giving her a small smile. They were out in the open right now, but no one was around. Even so, Anna slowly pulled her hand away. It was far too risky to hold hands here, where they were both easily recognizable.

"Are you sure?" Anna asked, more quietly. They turned down a road that would lead them directly to the house. Anna glanced around and made sure they were still alone.

"Yes, nothing at all."

After that, Mary said very little. Any time Anna tried to ask her what was wrong, Mary said it was nothing, and that Anna was worrying too much. And when they reached the house, Mary touched Anna's hand, brushing along it and then sliding inside the house. Anna made her way down to the downstairs, but she couldn't stop thinking about Mary's odd behavior.

Deciding it wasn't worth dwelling on, Anna headed right up in search of Pippa. Perhaps Pippa knew what was going on.

She entered Pippa's room shortly after she walked up the stairs. Pippa was laying in her bed, on her back, and staring up at the ceiling. This was not a typical way to find her daughter. Anna had assumed she'd have to track her outside, or that she'd find her inside reading a book.

Upon hearing Anna entering, Pippa had sat up.

"Mama," she greeted. Anna quickly closed the door.

"Hey," Anna said. She went to sit down by Pippa. It was nice now that Pippa knew she was hers. There was now this deeper connection between the two of them. Yet, it still couldn't be the relationship she had with Johnny where they could be mother and child out in the open.

"Had Mary taken that book from you?" Anna then asked. Pippa tightened her jaw.

"Yes," she regretfully said. "But I had been allowed to read it before! She…. it wasn't fair!"

"You can't play us like that, Pippa," Anna said. "That wasn't fair."

Pippa sighed.

"But you think I can read it, right?" Pippa asked. Her eyes bore hopefully into Anna's.

While Anna had no problems with Pippa reading that book, she wasn't about to tell her. No, this was not how it would be. She and Mary always had discussed how they would approach things when it came to raising Pippa.

"Mary said no."

"But she's not my mother! You are," Pippa replied with a loud huff.

"Yes, yes she is," Anna disagreed. "She has raised you since you were just a baby, Pippa. She's as much of your mother as I am, if not more."

Stubbornly, Pippa crossed her arms over her chest.

"But she's not, she only took me in because of you."

Anna knitted her brows.

"What?"

"I told her she's not my mother, anyway. So, she can't tell me what to do," Pippa said, changing the subject. Anna's heart tightened in her chest.

"Why would you say such a thing, Pippa? That was incredibly hurtful. Mary loves you."

Pippa turned her head away from Anna.

"Pippa….You should apologize. Mary has done everything for you. She's loved you your entire life."

"Please go," Pippa said beneath her breath.

"Pippa…."

"Please." This time Pippa's voice caught in her throat. Anna felt the urge to draw her arms around her daughter and hold her close. It was clear that there was much more going on here, but she knew she needed to respect that Pippa wanted to be alone.

Anna patted Pippa's shoulder and then stood with a sigh. She walked to the door and paused before opening it.

"I'm always here for you, Pippa. Mary, too. We love you so much."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary heard a knock at her door. She stood and went over to open it, surprised to see Pippa on the other side with that book in her hand. Mary moved over so Pippa could walk into her room and then shut the door for privacy.

"Here," Pippa whispered. She reached out the book and handed it to Mary. "And… and I'm sorry I was rude earlier."

Mary took the book from Pippa's hands. There was something different about the Pippa she spoke with earlier. Now Pippa was quiet. The fight had seemed to have left her.

"It's alright," Mary then answered. Though really, it wasn't. Pippa's words still stung. She didn't see her as her mother.

Pippa blinked and let out a shaky breath.

"You know that I love you, right? And that I am only trying to protect you from the harsh realities of the world," Mary went on to say. Pippa glanced up and met her eyes.

"But how….how can you?" Pippa asked. Mary tightened her lips.

"How can I protect you?"

"No…" Pippa paused. "Never mind."

"Wait, are you asking how I can love you?"

Slowly, Pippa nodded.

"Pippa," Mary breathed. "It's not a matter of how. It just is. I love you."

"Yes, I know you do. I mean…" Pippa took a moment to figure out how to say what she needed to say. "I think overtime after you had to bring me home…."

"Had to? Pippa, what are you talking about? I didn't have to do anything, you know? I wanted to bring you home."

"Because of Mama. You love Mama. You wanted to make her happy. But me….I was…I was his."

"Pippa, you have never been his," Mary quickly said. "Ever, not in my eyes."

Pippa blinked harshly and despite her efforts, hot tears slid down her cheeks. Mary was surprised. She was not used to Pippa crying. Her motherly instinct had her reaching out for Pippa, but Pippa moved away, ashamed by her tears.

"Darling…"

"I….I don't know who I am," Pippa confessed, her face slightly hidden. "I can't even call my mama, mama when we're not hidden. You took in me because you loved her, but…."

"Pippa…" Mary took in a shaky breath. "No, darling. That…..that's not how this happened."

Again, Mary walked towards Pippa. She was able to gather Pippa's hands within her own.

"Come on, sit," Mary said. She walked Pippa over to her bed and sat her down. Then she went in search for something. Mary tried to recall where it was. At first, she thought it might be up in the attics, but then she remembered that she had placed it in her dresser recently. She had needed it for signing Pippa up for schooling in the fall. Mary opened the drawer and pulled out the white envelope before taking her seat next to Pippa.

"Before you were born, your mama and I went to Paris," Mary began. Pippa sniffled.

"I know that. You've told me."

"Yes, but we hadn't told you about all of it," Mary said. "There was a family who was going to take you in after you were born."

"Yes, I know," Pippa said. "Mama told me. She told me she had been scared and that she didn't think she could keep me."

"No," Mary agreed. "She couldn't."

"So, you came up with the plan to bring me home as your ward. I do know this."

Mary sighed.

"But you don't. I actually tried to get Anna to keep you before you were born, Pippa."

Pippa glanced up at that.

"Now, I don't want you thinking poorly of your mama, Pippa. She had been through a great trauma, but she did love you. And I loved you too. I wanted you. After you were born, your mama was scared to look at you. You see, she knew what I knew, that seeing you would make us a goner. Because we both loved you and that would make you real. I picked you up first. And Pippa." Mary closed her eyes at the memory. "Oh, you fit so perfectly in my arms. I knew you were mine. Then I took you to Anna. And she, of course, felt the same."

Pippa remained quiet, but she took it all in. Mary took the opportunity to open up the envelope. Inside was Pippa's birth certificate.

"Philippa Annette Lefebvre," Pippa said, taking the paper from Mary's hand.

"Do you know what that means?"

"It's my name." Pippa shrugged. "I know my name."

"Yes, but I gave you your middle and last names. Your mama gave you Philippa, though it was me who suggested calling you Pippa," Mary said with a smile. "I chose Annette for your mama. And same with Lefebvre. It's a French variant of Smith, like your mama's maiden name. Then you'll see your parents' names as Anne and Marius Lefebvre."

Pippa tightened her lips, not sure what that meant.

"So you made up some names," Pippa said. "What does that matter?"

"I didn't just make them up, Pippa. I chose Anne because…"

"Because of Anna. Yes, I get that."

"And I chose Marius as a male version of Mary," Mary stated. "Because you see, Pippa, I felt you were mine very early on. I touched your mum's belly and felt you kick. I loved you for you. When you were born and I needed a birth certificate made, I decided I too would be on it in a way. Because you belonged to both Anna and me. The moment you were born; the moment we decided we were going to raise you as ours, our world changed for the better. You made us a family."

"I did? Truly?"

"Truly, Pippa. I didn't bring you home only for Anna's sake, but for mine, as well."

Pippa tugged on her fingers and more tears fell from her cheeks. This time, Mary brought her into her arms and held her close.

"You're my Philippa," Mary whispered to her. "And you always have been, darling. Always."

Slowly, Pippa sat up and wiped from under her eyes.

"Does that mean I get to call you Mother now? You told me once I couldn't give you that title."

"Because I was saving it for Anna," Mary replied.

"I know that now," Pippa said. "But…can I? It's what George calls you, so…."

"Oh, Pippa. Yes, of course, you can call me Mother." Mary brought her hands over Pippa's cheeks. "I know this has to be hard, to live in this big secret. I am sorry about that. I wish we lived in a world where we could all be open with who we are."

"I know," Pippa whispered. "But it's alright, Mother."

Mary couldn't help but give Pippa a watery smile. She brought her arms back around Pippa and held her close.

"I love you, darling."

"I love you too, Mother."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That night Anna sat at the vanity, undid her hair, as she listed to the conversation Mary and Pippa had. Her own eyes watered. She turned to Mary and stood, bringing her hands into her own.

"It's wonderful," Anna said. "Oh Mary! I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are Pippa's mother. I couldn't have asked for someone better to raise Pippa."

"Other than you," Mary added.

"Well, in a perfect world, we would have raised her openly together. But I have gotten to be here, but she gets so much strength from having you."

Mary bent forward and kissed the tip of Anna's nose. Her hand ran down Anna's back, making her shudder.

"Let's get in bed," Mary offered. Anna smiled. She allowed Mary to tug her towards the bed and pull her on top of her. Anna giggled as Mary's lips caressed just below her ear.

"Why couldn't Pippa have that book?" Anna asked between kisses. Mary cocked up an eyebrow.

"Are we discussing this now?"

Anna slid off Mary and laid beside her. Her fingers still played with the hem of Mary's gown.

"I think we should," Anna answered.

Mary sighed.

"She knows too much about the world, Anna. I think it's best we shield her from it, at least a little bit."

Anna shook her head. "I disagree, Mary. The best way we prepare our daughter for the world is to let her learn about it. We cannot protect her from everything, but the more she knows, the more protected she will be. You and I had very different lives at twelve years old. You always wanted Pippa to learn everything. Don't you still want that?"

"I did…" Mary paused, sitting up slightly. "But…" She paused. "I don't want her hurt, again."

Anna's face softened. "I know." She bent over and placed her lips on Mary's. "But she'll be better protected understanding the world than learning it as it comes."

Mary's hand caressed the back of her neck, making Anna moan.

"I suppose you're right. I'll tell Barrow not to get rid of any of the books."

"Barrow?" Anna laughed. But Mary turned Anna onto her back and climbed on top of her, her hands running down to Anna's thighs.

"Let's not talk about Barrow right now."

"No," Anna agreed, as Mary kissed her again. "Let's not."

Summer 1971

"How does it feel to be a grandfather?" Pippa asked her oldest brother. Johnny held his granddaughter in his hands. The baby gurgled and then spit up on his jacket.

"Well, it is wonderful," Johnny answered, not even phased by the mess. He pulled out a cloth from his jacket and wiped the small mess. "Molly and I offered to keep Annie for the evening so Jack and Linda could have a night out. Molly adores her, you know. She always wanted more children."

Pippa frowned slightly and then gave her brother a smile. "I know she did. Will she be over in a little while?"

"Yes, she had to stop by to pick up some things from the store," Johnny answered. He shifted the baby slightly in his arms. Then he kissed the top of his granddaughter's head.

Suddenly, they heard a loud crash and a scream.

"Mama? Mother?" Pippa called out. She heard Johnny say something, but she had already headed towards her mothers. Johnny was behind her, unable to move as quickly with the baby in his arms.

When she reached the room, she found her mother bending over and letting out a loud wail. As she moved closer, she saw her mama lying on the ground.

"Mama!"

"Mum!"

To be continued...

Thanks for reading! Just one more chapter of part 4 and then we get to explore their lives in the 40s, 50s, and 60s. :)