No lemon.


206 Bones

I don't have a penis.

Ainz tapped his skeletal fingers against his desk, deep in thought.

The irritating thing about this, other than the obvious lack of genitalia, was the fact that Ainz was keenly aware that the nearby maid was staring at him in complete admiration. It was uncomfortable, since even Ainz, as socially inept as he was, could detect the complete awe that the maid had for him. The total reverence that she held him in as Ainz sat in his (extremely practiced) Royal Pondering Pose.

She was probably thinking that he was considering the future of Nazarick, or contemplating the downfall of their enemies, or some other brilliant and far-reaching plan that only he could see. Ainz winced at the reality of what he was doing.

He was thinking about his penis.

Or his lack of a penis, that is.

There was no magnificent plan in his mind, no cunning scheme slowly unfolding, and definitely no grand understanding of the world around him. Ainz, in all his (false) intellectual glory, was thinking about his crotch.

On some level it was a nice distraction from the mountains of paperwork that Demiurge and Albedo sent his way. It didn't matter that Ainz couldn't technically get tired, the sheer mental exhaustion he felt after several hours of reading reports he absolutely didn't understand was profound. So, unwilling to dive back into the rabbit hole of despair that was bureaucracy, Ainz thought about his penis.

Ainz's bones were a perfect marble white, harder than steel and fully capable of tearing a full-grown man in half even without the use of his magic. He could (and did) wipe away entire armies with just a single mighty spell. If Ainz so wished, he could annihilate cities and countries alike. It was no exaggeration to say that, in terms of power, to the people of this world Ainz might as well be a god.

…But he didn't have a penis.

Ainz's gaze slid to the maid standing dutifully by his desk. Magnificent blonde hair, flawless skin and eyes like gems. She was, in a word, beautiful.

Ainz really wished he had a penis.

It just wasn't fair. Ainz had enough power to obliterate entire countries and yet he couldn't even get a hard-on. Where was the justice in that?

But it gets worse. So much worse.

It was one thing to be simply incapable of sex, but the fact that Ainz had Albedo and Shalltear proposition him literally every time he spoke with them, was pure torture. The maid standing next to him was beautiful, sure, but she just didn't compare to the two guardians. Albedo was, frankly, the most stunning creature that Ainz had ever seen - and she was fully willing, and had even begged him more than once, to go and bump uglies. Shalltear, while not quite as enchanting to look upon, had all the kinks. Ainz could only imagine the depths of carnal joy Shalltear could reach.

But Ainz couldn't do anything.

Because he didn't have a penis.

Ugh, where was the justice in the world? Where was the fairness?!

"Fifth." Ainz sighed heavily, fully aware that the impending conversation was going to be awkward as all hell. "Please… please summon Albedo and Shalltear for me."

Because, frankly, it was getting ridiculous. Ainz couldn't focus on his work when the flirtations of his servants wouldn't leave his mind. And so Ainz resolved himself: he had to put an end to all this. As much as he might dearly want to indulge in the physical delights they offered him, Ainz couldn't.

"At once, Lord Ainz." The charming maid bowed, swiftly moving towards the door and stepping out.

Ainz pretended not to notice as the maid broke into a sprint the moment she was out of the door. Really, just walking would have sufficed. Raging labido and his lack of ways to satisfy it aside, the other issue Ainz faced was the fact that all of his servants were maniacs.

Like, what did they think he'd do? Kill them for taking bathroom breaks? Flay them for taking a few minutes to walk the length of Nazarick? That was insane. What kind of boss did they even think he was?

Ainz's head sunk into his hands.

He already knew the answer to that. They thought he was Evil. Like, Evil with a capital E since his karma score was the lowest possible value. Every time he tried to do something nice, everyone in Nazarick just assumed it was so he could do something doubly horrible later.

Which, yeah, sometimes. But come on, most of that was just Ainz doing what Demiurge told him to. It wasn't Ainz's fault that Demiurge was the literal devil. The blame for that one should fall squarely with Ulbert and his chuunibyou fantasies.

The door slammed open, a slightly winded pair of guardians bursting into the room in a frenzy. "Lord Ainz!" Albedo exclaimed, shoving Shalltear aside so that she could kneel at the edge of his desk first. "You called for me? Is it finally time for us to-"

"Silence you fat gorilla!" Shalltear forced herself back into the conversation. "Lord Ainz called me here first! Clearly he wants to fuc-"

"Enough." Ainz swept his hands before him, shamelessly copying something he'd seen Emperor Jircniv do. "Both of you be seated already. I have… something to discuss with you."

Because this right here? This was exactly the problem. Both Albedo and Shalltear came in here ready to spread their legs and fully willing to kill each other over who gets to boink Ainz first. Never mind the fact that he couldn't perform, the two of them probably just saw it as Ainz being coy or something.

The two women immediately sat themselves down and stared at him intently. Ainz could feel that every inch of their attention was squarely focused on him with a frightening intensity. They were looking at him like literal gold might spill from his lips (or lack of lips) with every word he said.

Franky, it made Ainz want to curl into a ball and cry.

He was a middle-aged salaryman for god's sake, so unless they wanted to know how to write budget reports and get yelled at by asshole corporate leaders, then Ainz had literally nothing he could say to them. Albedo was a bona fide genius once you got past all the layers of eroticism and sex appeal. And Shalltear was easily in the top three strongest beings in Nazarick - strong enough to utterly demolish Ainz himself if he didn't plan ahead.

He had nothing on them. Nothing at all.

But he had to try. For the sake of his sanity and libido, he couldn't back down now.

Trying his best to seem regal and in control (which he pointedly wasn't), Ainz leaned forward onto his desk and stared intently at his two perverted subordinates. They were beautiful… and very dangerous.

"It's come to my attention," Ainz lied, fully aware that no sane male could have not noticed, "that the two of you have slight… infatuations with me."

Albedo spoke first, her cheeks rosy. "Of course Lord Ainz! How could we not? You are the most magnificent being in all the world, the man that I love, the-"

"What this lamprey is trying to say," Shalltear cut the other guardian off. "Is that you are our lord and master. There is no finer man in all of existence."

Although clearly miffed by the blatant insult, for once Albedo seemed to be in agreement with the vampire. The succubus leaned forwards, her considerable assets swinging precariously as they threatened to pop out of her dress. "My lord, does this mean you've finally decided to take me and-"

"No!" Ainz interrupted before the conversation could slip any further from his control.

God, it was pure torture. Any man with a beating heart would be thrilled to have a night with either Shalltear or Albedo. Hell, if anyone looking like these two had propositioned Ainz back on Earth then he'd have sold his soul in an instant.

But Ainz didn't have a beating heart, just like he didn't have a penis.

Albedo sat back into her chair, her expression distinctly crestfallen at Ainz's sharp refusal.

Shalltear did precisely nothing to hide the smirk on her face at the sight of her rival in love being shot down. "Then Lord Ainz," She began excitedly, her ghostly white cheeks turning red. "do you want me instead~?"

"Absolutely not!"

Shalltear looked like she'd been shot.

Ugh, now Ainz felt a little guilty. It wasn't their fault that they were both like this. Peroroncino made Shalltear this way, and since he was a raging pervert himself it wasn't surprising that his creation was as well. Albedo… that one left even more guilt in Ainz's heart, since she wasn't meant to be this way. He edited her settings literally seconds before they were transported into the new world.

"Listen to me, both of you." Ainz stood from his chair, towering over his desk and the two seated women. "I would love to return your affections physically-" preferably with several rounds of kinky sex, "-but I'm afraid I cannot."

Ainz reached down to the belt of his robes, the thin strip of material the only thing stopping him from baring it all to the two ladies.

Both the demons before him looked excited, their cheeks red and their breaths heavy as they followed his hand.

"You see," Ainz shut his eyes and pulled the cord free, revealing everything he had - or more specifically, the lack of everything he had. "I have 206 bones, but not the one you want!"

Silence.

Ainz dared to open his non-existent eyes, if just to see why neither of them was saying anything. Would they be horrified? Mock him? The thought was almost too much to bear.

Instead…

"That's so HOT!" Shalltear panted, eyes wide with delight as she drank in the sight of Ainz's pelvic bone.

Albedo didn't say anything, as she was too busy crawling over the desk and reaching out to caress the bones before her. Her face was completely twisted with visible lust and madness.

Ainz just sighed. Goddamn it, he should have expected this.

Well, time for plan B then.

Running awa- Er, strategic retreat.

The ring of Ainz Ooal Gown flashed on his hand, and in an instant the skeletal Overlord was returned to his private quarters. At this time of day, only the maids might be here, but that didn't seem to be the case right now.

Ainz relaxed, a deep sigh escaping him. That could have gone better. There was always next time, he supposed. Ainz turned, stepping towards his bed, but-

"Goddamn it…" Ainz winced.

The maid on the other side of the room didn't acknowledge her lord, the feather duster in her hand slowly slipping from her boneless fingers as she ravenously drank in the sight of Ainz's still-exposed crotch.

Why couldn't life ever be simple?


Sorry, couldn't resist one last jab at Bone Daddy there.

Like the way I write? Why not take a look at my actual published works then! Just google Even Dead Gods Dream by Andy Patmore (thats me!) and you'll find my written works. I have two books already out and the third is currently in the hands of the publishers and should be available for purchase soon. I'd put a link here to some of the different retailers, but this site won't let me.