Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Tactics. They are the property of Kinoshita Sakura, got it?

A/N: Wow . . . It took me extremely long to update, eh? Sorry everyone! And thank you very much for all the reviews, guys! They really egged me on! Mind leaving me some more? I'd appreciate it!

REVISED: December 14, 2011

A/N: Wow, it has been many, many MONTHS since I have done anything, hasn't it? *Ahem* Well, at least I have this chapter revised. I don't know when the next chapter is going to be reworked, but it will happen . . . eventually.

Anyway, I noticed I used waaayyyyy too many adverbs and verbs, but nonetheless, I didn't remove most of them . . . Hmmm, I need to fix the way I write. It seems so repetitive and clustered in a way.

Breathe
Chapter 15: Because I Care
By: LadyYuina

Kantarou was getting tired of the arguments he and Haruka were having on a near daily basis. He hated to admit it, but it almost seemed like they were an odd couple bickering over one thing or another constantly. Haruka's persistent nagging was beginning to worry him, too.

Did Haruka know something he wasn't letting on? Did Kantarou somehow slip up somewhere, exposing his distress too easily?

Kantarou quickly shook his head, dismissing all unwanted thoughts from his mind. Thinking too much never really helped, and it only served to give him headaches. Youko's absence left a heavy impact on them as well, and as much as the spiritualist hated to admit it, he already painfully missed her. He even missed everything that was annoying about her. Sometimes, it is funny how one's emotions work . . .

Here he was alone in his room, absent-mindedly looking out the bedroom window. It seemed far too fast that his life was falling apart for somehow, he felt like he was losing semblance of a normal day to day routine. Clients, too, had been trickling, thus adding to the burden of their plummeting funds. Kantarou needed an escape route, one where he was free of worry and tension.

Anxiety was not man's best friend. A dog was.

In such instances as these Kantarou would find himself thinking back to the times he'd played with Ichi, when he had fed her, walked her . . . and even bathed her. Kantarou still had a pillow that Ichi loved to chew on. It was sitting in the corner of his room with a plastic toy flower Suzu gave him. They were mementos to remind him of the companions he had lost.

Haruka had been watching his Master for a long while and though he did not see his face, he could sense his weariness. He stepped forward and then another, but stopped a few feet away because he was afraid to touch him. Their relationship was treading on thin ice, and it could crack and they'd go under if everything wasn't done with caution at this point. Haruka didn't want to destroy what little they had left.

"Are you just going to stand there?" Kantarou asked, back still turned. "I know you're there, Haruka."

"Any idea when Youko is going to be back?" This wasn't the question he wanted to ask, but saying what he really wanted to say wasn't going to warrant him an answer either.

Kantarou didn't seem startled by the sudden question and answered accordingly. "I don't know. Whenever she feels she's ready to come back, I suppose." He lowered his head and let out a soft sigh. "But I wouldn't mind if she returned right now."

He could feel it and dreaded what would come next. Tears . . . The last thing he wanted to do was to cry. What an embarrassing sight he would be.

Kantarou pursed his lips together, eyes glistening. It was quite unexpected . . . to feel tears coming. He bowed his head and closed his eyes. She'd found the written story about his life . . . They were in a crumpled heap inside his drawer. It was obvious now why Youko wanted to leave for a while.

She read my story, but by how much - the entire thing? The beginning or near the part where I last left off? Was it okay for her to find out . . .?

It only took one moment, one tangent feeling and Haruka was there beside him, hugging him close. He felt the Tengu squeezing him tighter when he asked, "why are you crying?"

Kantarou shook his head. "I'm not obliged to answer that question. It's nothing serious, really."

Haruka sighed. "If you're that perturbed, then I suggest you get lost." Haruka was taken aback by Kantarou's instantaneous remark, and a sad smile crossed his features, one the other man could not see. "Haruka, there's something I want to tell you."

"I'm listening."

"Your name, Haruka . . ." he paused for a moment. "It was derived from a girl I used to have a crush on. Remember her?" Realization struck Haruka hard in the head. Why hadn't he noticed before? "Don't get into a nasty tantrum now I said I used to have a crush on her."

"You named me after Haruka?"

"Yeah, I did. Kind of stupid, isn't it?"

"No, I don't think it is."

"You're not angry?"

"Kantarou, I'm fine with it. Haruka is a beautiful name, I cherish it." His eyes wandered to the corner of the room where Kantarou kept Suzu's fake flower. Another item was added there.

That's right . . . Ichi died too.

"This is out of the blue, but still I want to ask. Why did Ichi attack you that day?" Kantarou's expression became solemn. "You were badly injured . . ."

"I have no idea. I'm glad you came to save me, but I never wished for Ichi's death."

"My tears, there was something about my tears, Kantarou. What did I exactly do?" Kantarou moved away from the Tengu, taking swift steps forward and turning around. He wanted to meet Haruka eye to eye. Red clashed with brown, and they narrowed ever so slightly. "I already know I'm responsible for her death."

"You didn't kill her . . . and she attacked me because she was ordered to."

Kantarou shut up immediately, he was already blurting out the truth.

At this point, it wouldn't have been too difficult for Haruka to realize that he transformed. He touched a hand to his forehead as if he'd find something there. Kantarou watched him curiously. Everything was piecing together now, as Haruka thought back to the client that died, and back to when he and Kantarou came home all bloodied. He was responsible . . . he killed her and Ichi.

"I transformed at those times," Haruka said out loud, voicing his thoughts. "I was responsible for Kiyomi and Ichi's deaths." Then, as if crazed he grabbed the silver-haired man by the shoulders and shook him. "Why did you hide this from me! I could have hurt you during those times! Do you have to be so stubborn!"

"Haruka . . ."

Noticing Kantarou's blanched expression he let go, looking away angrily. The ice cracked a little bit more, tempting to tear their relationship further apart.

"I . . . I'm sorry."

Kantarou, now too, was fired up. "Stubborn, you say? Well, listen close! I did it because I cared! I wanted to keep you safe! You and Youko are very important to me! I don't want anything to happen! When you came home injured I was so afraid . . . I don't know what Dirina and you fought for, but I can't simply let that slip past me!"

Haruka grimaced, for he hated arguing with Kantarou. He was tired of it, shouting matches never solved anything, it only brought on more problems. "Dirina . . . Everything revolves around her, doesn't it? It's all because of that dead bitch that we're bickering, isn't it?" At all costs Kantarou knew he shouldn't give the truth to Haruka, and it was too dangerous and he could never really be sure. Haruka, on the other hand felt the same way about Kantarou. It was too late to back off now . . . "Dirina is the source of our problems."

She somewhat is and is somewhat not . . .

"Hasn't it already occurred to you that Dirina is already dead, Haruka? We saw her tombstone together."

Kantarou inwardly swallowed. He saw an escape route and was gladly going to utilize it.

"Yes. So are you implying that the person who attacked me is not Dirina?" Kantarou nodded slowly, red eyes flaring. "I suppose . . ."

He was not fully convinced, but knew it was better off to end it this way. Of course Dirina was dead. Besides, how could he be sure that woman was really her? Did she steal her identity? Apparently, Haruka had forgotten about the tombstone, and Kantarou needlessly reminded him. The last thing she said to him still bothered the Tengu.

Do you not remember me?


"Monk Nanao, there is a lady here to see you. She says she has something for you."

Monk Nanao rose from his spot on the bench he was sitting on, and walked towards the open front door. Kantarou peeked out from behind him to stare up at the woman, and the first thing he noticed about her was her piercing brown eyes. Despite the rest of her being plain, such as a rounded face, and long dark hair that fell into a braid down along her back, she still gave off an impression one usually did not forget in a moment's glance.

"Kantarou, please put away my notes for me. The ones I have laid out on my workstation."

"Okay."

A lone figure sat up in bed, having awoken from a dream. The sound of the crickets outside pierced through the room, filling the quietness of the night with song. Kantarou sighed and looked up at the moon. It was just another dream and one he oddly could not recall from his childhood.

His mind began to wander . . .

However, his dislikes for drifting thoughts lead him to his desk, and before he realized it he had a pen and paper in hand. Most of the page was already filled, but there was a blank section remaining. Was he supposed to write something there? Steadying his hand he tried to let words flow . . . He waited . . . and waited. Nothing happened. In his head he pictured himself writing, but in his heart he felt otherwise - it was beating wildly. Perhaps it might be the ideological excuse that one ought to say he was afraid of what he was going to discover.

"Stop hesitating, Kantarou."

He gazed up towards the sound of the voice. "Dirina?" Her eyes moved to his bracelet, and he followed her gaze with his own. "That's right . . . You dislike my bracelet, don't you? Why is that?" He tried to talk as quietly as possible so that he didn't wake up Haruka. Turning around to look he noticed it was not necessary. Haruka was not behind him . . . His surroundings had changed completely; it had changed to nothingness.

"You cannot leave that part blank," Dirina said.

Her eyes never left his bracelet. It made Kantarou wonder why she was so wary of it all of a sudden. She only reacted to it once . . . It was on their first encounter . . .

"K-Kantarou . . .?" Her voice became much more soft and gentle. Confused at the sudden change, he gave her a curious look. "Is that really you?" And yet in mere seconds her tone changed back. "Stop hesitating!" Her normally passive features became hurried and somewhat restrained at the same time. Her hand flew towards Kantarou's chest, stabbing him where his scar was, and he gasped in pain, dropping his pen automatically to clutch at the wound.

"Kantarou . . .?"

"What . . . the?" he managed to choke out. He passed out afterwards as his head fell heavily onto the table, hands still clasped to his chest.


"Look here, Kantarou." Monk Nanao produced a bracelet from within his enclosed palms. Delighted, the child asked for a closer look. Upon closer inspection, Kantarou noticed small golden bells tied around it. Monk Nanao lifted his hand, slipping the bracelet through his right wrist. "You can have it."

"Wooowwww! Really?" The monk nodded. Kantarou shook his small wrist, liking the sound of the bells produced. "Where did you get this bracelet from? I really like it!" Smiling, monk Nanao said it was from the woman he met at the door earlier. "Ooohhhhhh! Why did she give me such a nice thing?"

"Because you're a very special boy; she believes you have potential."

"Huh? What is that supposed to mean?" Kantarou looked at the bracelet thoughtfully, eyes taking on a critical glint of inspection. He was a very inquisitive child, always wanting to examine everything thoroughly. The color of the woman's eyes came to mind, and nothing else about her mattered except those brown colored orbs. Why did it bother Kantarou so? "Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what her name was."

"You've already forgotten? Goodness, Kantarou!" Kantarou shrugged, not knowing what else to do. "Her name is Dirina."

For the second time that night Kantarou awoke again, feeling extremely weak this time. The stench of blood reached his nostrils, and he quickly looked down at his bloodied gi.

The previous incident came to mind . . . Dirina had attacked him.

He opened his gi and examined his chest . . . There was a large gash wound crossing along the line of his scar, and an unsightly crust had formed from the dried blood. The injury wasn't very deep to say the least. Looking over his shoulder he saw that Haruka was still asleep, and it surprised him that the Tengu hadn't awakened by the smell or odd commotion. Kantarou knew he shouldn't sit here and think, but when he tried to move his body screamed "pain".

Dismayed by this fact, he simply sat as is and took a moment to reflect on things. He looked down at his bracelet, jingling it gently. It never occurred to him Dirina was the one who gave it to him. In his early childhood she was nothing more than a woman who came and gone; a small figure in his memory…

Easily forgotten . . .

Kantarou suddenly yelped when he felt himself being pulled backwards, and Haruka's black hair prickled his cheek. Every thought about Dirina vanished from his mind.

"You're hurt," Haruka said. "How did you get this wound?"

"I fell on something." Kantarou made sure to be quick with his response so Haruka wouldn't give rise to suspicion from his hesitation. "Something slashed my chest as I stumbled around in the dark. I was thinking of getting a lamp but decided not to."

"Why were you wandering around anyway?" Haruka asked.

"Uh, well . . . You see . . ." Kantarou could feel his cheeks growing hot for some reason (but he knew he could play this to his advantage). "I was thinking of going to fetch Youko."

"Huh? Why?"

"What do you mean why? Isn't it obvious?"

"She'll come back eventually. Maybe I should tell her what happened when she's back."

"No, don't! She'll never let me live it down!" Kantarou moved slightly, saying "in any case, mind letting go of me? You're only aggravating my injury."

"Shall I go get some bandages?"

". . . uh, sure."

As soon as Haruka left the room he immediately looked to his desk, eyeing the stack of papers there. He couldn't let Haruka see them – he already made a mistake once by letting Youko catch a glimpse. Despite what he wanted to think, the wound hurt a lot more than he was letting on, and it was proving to be difficult to even crawl to his desk space, but somehow . . . he managed to. Frustrated at his own lack of strength, Kantarou simple stashed the papers underneath a tatami mat, makinging sure none of the pages were jutting out anywhere.

Haruka soon came back with the bandages, and Kantarou made sure to sit on top of the tatami mat that concealed his story.

"Take your gi off and let me inspect that wound more thoroughly."

Kantarou obeyed, pulling out his tucked in gi to slide it off his shoulders while Haruka watched. The wound wasn't really deep so it wouldn't leave a scar. It'd be ironic to have a scar on a scar.

"Stay still."

"Ow! Can you be a little gentler?" Kantarou whined. Haruka stopped his ministrations, hand paused in mid-air. Kantarou focused on it and noticed him trembling. "Haruka?"

"Did I hurt you?"

This was not an expected turnabout, but him not saying anything would have only made things worse.

"No you didn't, Haruka."

"There's no need to lie to me if I really did. If you don't tell me the truth, I'll . . ." Haruka trailed off, and instead said, "even as I think about this . . . I know I'll never be able to leave you. That's how attached I am to you. And I know I shouldn't be."

"Wow, I'd never think to hear such words from you."

"Kantarou, I'm being serious! Your lack of self-concern shall be the death of you!" Yet, just as easily as he raised his voice, he equally as effortlessly murmured, "I'm afraid to find you dead one day with your blood on my hands."

"Haruka, sometimes you make me wonder about things . . ."

"Huh?"

"Even that alone is enough. So please, say no more."

Perplexed, the Tengu remained quiet.

Chapter 15: END