"Taking that thing away, I love you though you hurt me; you are the fire in my hand."

CHAPTER TEN


In Star Trek, a show Nara Shikamaru had never actually cared to watch but his uncle grew up loving there was this thing called a Kobayashi Maru. The Kobayashi Maru was a training exercise that would happen in the Star Trek franchise, it was designed to test the characters of Starfleet Academy cadets and their ability to handle no-win scenario's.

In chess and other turn-based games— like shogi, Shikamaru's favorite game —a no-win scenario was called zugzwang. Zugzwang being a German for compulsion to move; wherein one player is put at a disadvantage because of their obligation to make a move. A player is said to be in zugzwang whenever any legal move will or would worsen their position in the game.

Nara Shikamaru wasn't stupid by any means, he'd been tested half a dozen times throughout his short life and while each time his parents ended up with a different IQ number, it wasn't ever anything short of two hundred. And yet, at eighteen, he laid in bed with a letter from one of the universities he'd applied to in his right hand and a heavy heart because he knew— Shikamaru could feel it in his bones —he would have to make a very stupid, no win— Kobayashi Maru, zugzwang-type —kind of decision sooner rather later.

He'd put it off long enough— three months to be exact; it was late June and he'd gotten the letter back in early March —his time was running out.

And yet, how could he?

How could he go through with any of the options he had when all his options were worse then the last.

Shikamaru turned onto his side so that he was facing his bedside table, the picture of him and Toshiko— his best friend, his girlfriend, the love of his short life —faced back at him.

How long had he loved Toshiko anyway? Years. At least, nearly a decade if not more. He had realized he'd liked her when they were kids and at some point fallen in love since then. He knew her like the back of his hand. Sometimes he knew her so well it hurt because he could see the million and one thoughts that raced through her head, thoughts she never said aloud because she always weighed other peoples feelings against her own.

Sometimes he wanted to shake her, to tell her to open up and speak her mind because she deserved the same kind of consideration she gave others.

If Ino and Sakura, two girls who hadn't spoken to Toshiko in nearly a year— or anyone else, a total stranger even —came around tomorrow saying that they needed an organ— any organ short of a heart —and that Toshiko was the only match for them in the world, Toshi would give them the organ. Be it a lobe of her left lung, a piece of her liver or an entire kidney. Anything really, short of her heart.

Because she was as kind as she was pretty and she was so pretty her smile could rival the full moon. Some people would say the sun but the sun was hard to look at, it hurt to stare up at directly but the moon was something someone could get lost staring at and Toshiko's smile was more like the moon because Shikamaru could look at it all day.

The letter in Shikamaru's hand crinkled loudly as he tightened his grip around it.

Shikamaru had never ended up in a zugzwang position before. He had never played anyone good enough to force him into one but now he wasn't playing some school yard friend or some other high school champion but rather life itself.

And Shikamaru hated it.

The door to his bedroom opened without a knock and Shikamaru's eyes flickered up from the picture to his father who leaned against the doorframe with his hand in his pocket and a pitiful look on his face. His father had always been emotionally distant, always working just enough to spend more time out of the house then in it, not that Shikamaru blamed or resented his father. He didn't, he knew it took money to own a house outright nowadays, knew it took money to own two cars and feed a growing boy on top of a wife and himself.

But that didn't mean the little boy in Shikamaru, the one he never really stopped being, didn't want to reach out to his father and ask the older man to fix everything. To tell him what to do.

"Let's play a game," Shikaku said before he walked into the room and sat himself down at the old, Nara-family heirloom that Shikamaru had been given at thirteen. Still, with the letter in his hand, Shikamaru threw his legs over his bed and heaved himself upright so that he could move to the opposite side of the board his father was on. Silently they both set up their pieces; neither Nara even looked at each other until the board was set and even then, though Shikamaru could feel his fathers eyes on him as he made his first move, Shikamaru didn't look up from the old wooden pieces.

Shikamaru moved in silence, and then Shikaku and then, once more Shikamaru before the elder of the two spoke up.

"You're not thinking your moves through." Shikamaru repressed a laugh; overthinking was all he had been doing the past three months. "You're not going to win this way."

Was he going to win anyway? He wasn't going to come out on top no matter what he did.

His father stole his first piece.

He was going to lose. Shikamaru could see it already, black hair blowing in the wind as she walked away. Maybe not now but ten years down the line when he couldn't get a good job and he was dragging her down. She deserved the world.

"There's a few hundred thousand other universities in the world; there's seven hundred and eighty right here in Japan," Shikaku said. Shikamaru finally looked up at his father who's lips had dragged themselves upwards into a rare smile. "Your mother did her research."

Shikamaru looked away.

His mother.

When he had been younger and he and his father and uncle would all hide from her because she was on some tirades about something Shikamaru had always thought she had to be the most troublesome woman alive; and while he still thought that at times Shikamaru knew it was all women who were troublesome.

Some more then others.

"Toshiko is a good girl Shikamaru," his father started as he stole away another piece.

"I know," Shikamaru replied. For all the trouble Toshiko would cause throughout the years— the bullies he would end up fighting for her, the games he was always pulled into when with her —Shikamaru always knew she was worth it. Shikamaru used to not understand how his father could love a woman like his mother but then he'd fallen in love with Toshiko and he understood.

But the thing was— the problem was —was he worth the trouble? Would he be? Was he good like she was, or in a few years time would he just be burden? Just be troublesome to her? Just the thought made Shikamaru's heart clench. God he loved her.

"There are other good girls out there too Shikamaru," Shikaku said heavily. Shikamaru's back straightened.

"None like her," was his immediate response.

"None like Harvard either." Shikamaru pressed his lips together. When you thought of university you thought— no matter where you were in the world —of places like Oxford and NYU and Harvard. Places that were begging Nara Shikamaru to attend. "She won't leave you Shikamaru, I've known one Uchiha or another since I was a boy, they're a special breed of stubborn."

"It's a thirteen hour time difference." Shikamaru lost another piece. "She shouldn't have to be that stubborn." She would have her own university course work to get through soon enough and Shikamaru knew, no matter where he went she wouldn't leave Japan.

Not when her family was there.

"Call the school then, tell them you won't be attending then." But it was Harvard and they were offering a full ride. Shikamaru would be set for life.

But it would be a life without Toshiko in it.

Without the cute Good Morning text messages and, a life without her kisses or her violet scented perfume in it. A life without her laughter or her warmth in it. He could still be okay without Harvard; if he went to the University of Tokyo and majored in something there he could still have a good life and be in the same country as the girl he wanted a life with.

He could.

But Toshiko would find out. She would ask why he turned down a school like Harvard and Shikamaru knew the sad look in her eyes would weigh at his heart and what if he resented her for this in the end? What if he chose her and still lost her and the school?

Why couldn't he win?

Another piece gone and rage bubbled up in Shikamaru's stomach.

It wasn't fair.

He never asked for much. He had caught Asuma's killer when the police hadn't been able to-Asuma was the whole reason he was in this mess.

If the man hadn't applied to all those colleges in Shikamaru's name before his death, Shikamaru wouldn't be in this position.

Another piece gone.

"You're not thinking a head Shikamaru."

But he was. That was all he was doing. And it was getting him no where.

.0.0.0.

It was warm out. Warm enough for Shikamaru to be in a tank-top his mother had given him a pointed look over and for all of Dusty's windows to be rolled down; though not warm enough for the air conditioning to be blasting with them open.

Toshiko, in shorts and a band shirt that had been Sasuke's— because it was too big on her and Shikamaru knew it hadn't been his; he didn't care for metal music —sat in his passenger seat. They sat in the car, perched behind the protective barer of the mountainside cliff with the windows rolled down and junk food split between them as they cloud watched out the windshield.

Shikamaru's fingers tap-tap-tappedagainst the steering wheel.

The letter was in the glove compartment, crumpled and balled up. Burning though, in the back of Shikamaru's mind.

Toshiko was beaming as she spoke about her cousin's Obito and Kakashi and her hands were flying as she spoke because even though she had stopped signing long ago, she still— at times, absentmindedly —did it as she talked a mile a minute if only to keep her train of thought chugging along.

It was adorable. He'd never see it again. No more following along with her nimble fingers or listening to Toshiko's laugh as she giggled through whatever she was saying.

Shikamaru's heart squeezed; so did his fingers around the grip of the steering wheel. Toshiko's brows furrowed together and her lips parted ever so slightly as she shot him a silent, Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, Shikamaru was fine. He was going to be fine. One day. He'd be fine one day.

Shikamaru sighed, his shoulders sagged and though he let go of the steering wheel his hands tightened around the bag of chips that had been in his lap. The purple plastic of the chips let out a sad sort of whine as his gripped it between his hands. Shikamaru would be fine and so would Toshiko because she was amazing. She was bright and smart and funny and so pretty Shikamaru knew he was the luckiest guy on the planet for managing to get her to ever even like him. She would so much more then fine.

And yet as he opened his mouth a weight settled on his tongue. Toshiko smiled at him, reassuringly; Shikamaru's gut twisted.

He sucked in a deep— deep —breath; one that expanded his ribs until they couldn't expand anymore and his hands moved from the bag of chips to Toshiko's hands and he clung to them. Toshiko looked up at him— because even sitting across from him in Dusty she had to crane her neck up —and Shikamaru looked back at her.

He loved her. God he loved her; so much it hurt sometimes. So much that he had their future children already named and their house already planned and so much that he knew he had to do this. So much that he knew she would be fine because Toshiko was amazing and she was always fine.

She had lived a rough life, watched her parents die and her brother walk out of her life repeatedly; she would be fine.

"I want to break up." The words came out so fast; Shikamaru's heart beat loudly in his chest. So loud he almost didn't hear himself speak; the color in Toshiko's face drained and if not for her drop in expression— her confused, yet almost hopeful expression turning to shock and horror —he would have missed what he, himself, said.

Thought he hadn't yet said it; that it was still repeating over and over in his head, trying to find the proper wordage.

"What?" Her voice cracked, she blinked rapidly, her eyes weren't glossy though. She wasn't trying to ward of tears. Toshiko, who cried over everything wasn't crying over this. And though Shikamaru would never want her to, a voice in the back of his head couldn't help but wonder— rather loudly —why she wasn't. "What do you mean you want to break up?"

"I don't-we aren't, I got into university."

"And that means what? Why do we have to break up because you're going off to college? People date after high school." She wasn't loud; there was no strain to her voice, no tightness, just curiosity. Toshiko hadn't yet taken her hands back from Shikamaru and Shikamaru squeezed them. They were always so cold compared to his; whenever his head hurt he would lay them across his forehead like his own personal ice packs.

He wouldn't be able to do that anymore.

Shikamaru held on even tighter; "I got into a university in America Toshi. I've-I've decided to go there. It's a thirteen hour time difference."

"People date long distance." Shikamaru knew people did, he had thought about how dating long— long —distance would work out. What they would both have to sacrifice in doing so and Shikamaru knew Toshi, she would end up sacrificing so much more then him in the end and never once tell him because she was that kind of person. He'd have to find out what outings with friends and opportunities she was missing second hand while waiting around for him to call; she would put her life on hold for him and he would put his on hold for her in return and while he didn't really— at all —care about that because Shikamaru knew he would never really have a life outside of course work and shogi, Toshiko would.

She was bright and friendly, and she drew people in like moths to light.

"I don't want to do that Toshi. I-I want to break up. I've thought about a lot and this-not being together, that's the best thing for the both of us, okay?"

"And if it's not?" Toshiko asked with a wobble in her voice. Shikamaru wanted to reach out and kiss her; to catch her shaking bottom lip between his teeth and press her up agents himself so tightly that they became one. That he wouldn't know where she began and he ended and just stay like that for an eternity.

But he couldn't. He would never be able to again.

"It is, Toshiko. It is."

"Oh." Toshiko blinked. There were still no tears in her eyes. Her bottom lip quivered and her hands shook and her voice trembled but there where no tears. "Okay," she said quietly. Her eyes fell from his and she looked at his throat, at his Adam's apple before looking back up.

There was something there, something guarding her from him. Like some preverbal wall keeping her feelings in and him out. Shikamaru had seen that wall before, always around Itachi and Sasuke and more recently around Ino and Sakura, but never around himself. Never had Toshiko had to guard herself from him.

Shikamaru had never wanted to scale a wall so much in life.

"If you're sure this is what's best then I can't really argue, can I?" Toshiko said, and then she smiled. Small and doll-like, it was oh so obviously fake and she tilted her head as she did so, "I wish you the best of luck at college Shikamaru."

Toshiko went to take her hands out of his but Shikamaru— who had broken up with her, who had told her it was better if they weren't together —held onto her tighter. Stopping her from leaving the car.

"I—" Please, he wanted to say, Please don't hate me. Please don't leave.Instead, all that came out was, "You aren't mad at me, right?"

"Mad?" Once more Toshiko's voice cracked, "Of—" the tip of her tongue darted out and swiped across her lips, "—Of course not Shika. I can't be mad if you want to break up. If it's better like this!" She got loud, her voice cracked but her eyes remained dry. And then she got quite, "I want to go home."

"Please tell me we can still be friends."

"Friends?" She repeated, "I-I love you Shika, I don't know how to be your friend anymore."

"Easy. It'll be easy, Toshi-I want to be your friend. To still talk to you." Nara Shikamaru had an IQ of over two hundred, he was lazy, not stupid, and yet he wasn't shutting up even though he knew, he should quite while he was ahead. Quit while there was still hope that he could get invited to Toshiko's wedding one day, hope she wouldn't unfriend and block him on every social media site out there.

Hope she wouldn't hang his picture up on her wall to use as a dart board.

"I want to go home Shikamaru," Toshiko said louder. She ripped her hands from his and tucked them under her arms as she turned away from him in her seat, "Please Shika, just take me home."

And how could he deny her when he loved her so? So turning the key in Dusty's ignition, with his eyes on her slanted form— Toshiko had pressed herself against the door, like she was just waiting for the first opportunity to jump out —Shika put his Jeep into drive and began to slowly back up.

If he drove slow he could have Toshiko just a little long. He could drag out their time together for just a little longer. Shikamaru knew Toshiko wouldn't notice, he always drove carefully anyway but he also knew he couldn't take advantage of her like that. Couldn't make himself feel better at her expense.

You weren't supposed to hurt the person you loved and he had already done that; there was no point in adding salt to her wounds.

So instead of slowly, inching his way to the Uchiha homestead, he drove, not over or under the speed limit but just that, getting Toshiko home in twenty minutes and out of his life without so much as a goodbye or a look back. Leaving him with nothing but an empty car, a shattered heart and a crumpled Harvard acceptance letter in his glove compartment.

Shikamaru let his head slump forward and hit his steering wheel. He'd always known falling in love would be troublesome, he hadn't though, known it would hurt so much.


A/N: Edited 5/19. It's basically the same chapter with my spelling errors fixed and some stuff added, I was pretty concussed when I first wrote this so sorry about that! Anyway I also hope you guys like the change in tone! This is partially what kept the update so long; like I know the chapter is so much shorter than what I normally give you guys but I wanted Shikamaru's point of view here as the scene is loosely based on two different break ups I've gone through and the Milles Teller Whiplash break up scene.

Also besides saying thanks for all the comments, I also wanted to say that you guys can also find me at: chojiakimichi on tumblr I have a whole Toshiko tag there.

Anyway, feel free to leave me a comment down below if you liked the chapter!