A/N: Since I've introduced Ellie's POV, I'd like to point out a difference of her POV as compared to Ben's POV. Ellie's POV will include sections as viewed from her journal. It was something I wanted to do since it's relatable to her character and because I wanted her POV to be different from Ben's.

Enjoy the chapter y'all, and cheers.


Chapter 19 – Decision

Theater was lit like a torch soaked in gasoline. We barely got out. Jesse and Dina ran off in the opposite direction, chased by Wolves. We got separated, I couldn't find them.

Abby ambushed me, she was about to kill me when Tommy intervened. Everything happened so fast.. I shoot her in the back, but that motherfucker with a man bun killed Tommy. He almost killed me too killed too, but Ben saved me. Ben fought him. Both of them fell in the pit with the infected.

I heard screams, then an explosion. No one could have survived that.

No one.

After a while, Jesse and Dina found me by the pit. I spent two days looking for him, but I could never find him. It was as if he evaporated. I blame myself, it's all my fault. I got my revenge, but for what? At what cost? Tommy and Ben died. How can I live with myself?


After Dina gave birth to a baby boy, the three of them moved to a place on the small hill in the settlement's outskirts, surrounded by beautiful view of Wyoming mountains. Baby was named JJ, short for Jesse Jr. Ellie didn't mind, for Jesse was there for Dina when Ellie couldn't handle herself, which was basically during the entirety of her pregnancy. One of the Js in the name could also stand for Joel. That way, Dina paid respect to Ellie's father figure.

Ellie tried to make it up to her new family, though. Now that they finally lived together, she could spend more time with Dina and the baby, fix their relationship and live a normal life. What seemed like a century ago, Dina told her she dreamed of having a farm and animals to tend to in peace. After JJ was born, the two of them started fixing up the old farm in Jackson County. The farm itself consisted of a two-story house, a storm cellar and a barn, as well as animals they brought over from the settlement and crops. It was a humble home, but it was quiet and peaceful. The only downside to it was the lack of defenses. Ellie had to keep one eye open 24/7 for any signs of the infected or bandits. Nonetheless, Dina's dream was coming to fruition, and Ellie decided to try her best to compensate for the lack of support during those hard months of Dina's pregnancy. It was during those days after they moved, that Ellie decided to start her life anew, to try and be happy. Her family, Dina and JJ, was all she had left.

She managed to leave a kind of a peaceful life on the farm. When not doing farm chores, she'd play her guitar for Dina and JJ, or they'd all paint together. Ellie was always a good painter, but life at the farm only further improved her skills. She enjoyed painting portraits the most. There we six portraits of JJ alone which they hung on the walls all around the house. She did a small painting of Joel which she put into the frame and placed on a cabinet next to her bed. Yet she could never paint Ben. Each time she started, she ended up scrapping the painting. Something about him felt so.. incomplete.

With JJ in her arms, Ellie sat on the tractor in the middle of the wheat field. Amid the wheat, amid the soft golden ears, moved the unseen wind. It moved her hair and sea of late summer grass all the same. In these moments on the farm there was an eternity in each second, a joy that came in the free birdsong and a steadiness to her heart and soul.

Tiny fingers curled around Ellie's pinky. She watched the newborn peer through brand new eyes at what must had been a strange world after life in the womb. His legs kicked in a tiny jagged motion, looking for that resistance they were used to, but finding nothing but air. Ellie wondered if that was unsettling or a relief, it must had been pretty cramped in there. When JJ stretched, his hands barely rose above his head and Ellie thought of how strange they'd all look if they kept those body proportions as they grew. She was scared she would break him, JJ was such a doll, head was covered with lush black hair. Perhaps it was too early to judge, but he looked more like Jesse than Dina. His round, yellowish face was too cute of a sight. He looks like a potato, she told Dina one day which made her laugh. Then he began to fret and cry. Everyone told her how annoying that was going to be, but to Ellie, it was so cute she almost cried. That little thing in her hands was a new person, and Ellie was already filling up with love for him.

"My little Potato." she said and grinned at the baby in her arms. JJ stopped crying and looked at her with those big black eyes, stretching his hand to touch her chin. Ellie played with his nose and looked at the distance, gazing at the view she enjoyed. Sitting on that old tractor in the middle of the wheat hill, overlooking the mountains that stretched in the distance always had that deep sense of serenity that overcame her as she stared in rapture. The sun set a threatening dip behind the horizon, firstly cascading a prim bombardment of colors that were flung over the sky with terrible alacrity. The receding blue and oranges battled the blackness pushing it away with arms. It shone on the river below the mountains, shining its own depths. Rays of lights danced delicately across the water. The radiant glow scintillated and beamed; the legacy of the sun.

"I'm gonna teach you how to play a guitar." she spoke to the baby in her arms, "That way you could sway any girl you want, Potato."

She took a deep sigh, lost in the distance that span in front of her. "Gotta lot of stories to tell you, when you're older.. much older."

JJ answered with a wince, and closed his eyes as if he was complaining about something.

"I'll tell you all the stories about your mommies, and your brave daddy Jesse." JJ calmed down, engulfed in Ellie's teaser. "Grandpa Joel would melt down if he saw you. All right, lil' spud. We should check on Mama."

The usual summer heat was absent that year, replaced with colder weather which only got worse as the fall started. Strangely, the rain was very rare, days were sunny, but the air was cold. The two of them walked a paved path through a field of wheat, approaching the white two-story house, climbing on the porch decorated with a set of flowers hanging off the fence and a lantern, which offered a quite beautiful scenery when lit during the night. The three of them would sit on the porch, and enjoy the peace together.

"There you are." Dina exclaimed from the kitchen once they walked inside, Ellie closing the door behind her with one hand as she held JJ in the other. Dina spent her time well in the kitchen, making sure to cook the best food possible for both of them and the baby. "Where were you?"

Ellie approached her from behind, encircling her free arm around Dina's waist, kissing her on the neck. "Outside, talking."

"Well, what did he say to you?"

Ellie pouted her lips, "I think it was either awa or uwa, I'm not quite sure."

Dina laughed, "He's obviously the talkative type."

"Definitely picked it up from you."

Dina laughed and elbowed her softly, "Would you feed the chicken while I do the laundry? It's getting quite late, you know."

"Sure thing." Ellie replied and walked through the back door into the fenced area behind the house. Cabbage, potato and several other crops were seen in the prime stages of their life cycle, just waiting to be picked up. Behind the crops was another smaller fenced area, reserved for chickens with the wooden chicken den, constructed by old man Ron. Ellie remembered him being very happy to gift it to them, and so far it was invaluable for their little farm.

"Oof, my back." Dina complained as she carried the basket with wet clothes to spread it onto the cable tightened between two wooden poles. "Does he need a jacket?"

"Nah, he's fine."

It was chilly, but not exactly cold. Ellie had her attention turned to the farm animals she tried to feed with seeds and green plants. The chicken strode the field of the fenced area as if it was hers. Every worm in the rich brown soil was hers for the taking and she was utterly focused on this pleasant game. Her head would move as if she were part biological and part machine, as if there were beautiful cogs in that tiny neck. All in all, she was a joyfull fluff of feathers basking in the orange tint of the setting sunshine.

"Wanna try too?" she asked the baby in her arm, giving JJ the seed which he then tried to put into his mouth, only for Ellie to abruptly take it from him. "This is for the chicks, little bud."

Little bud is what he called Khan.

Next job on the day list was to herd the sheep. Nothing out of the ordinary, Ellie often joked about being a herding master. With ease, she led the majority of the sheep to the barn, closing them in the pen. It was an easy task she was able to complete even with JJ in her arms. Once inside the pen, sheep ran straight for the food, indulging themselves in the various tastes.

"Alright guys, see ya tomorrow." Ellie waved goodbye to the animals and turned to JJ. "Say bye, JJ."

Baby bid his farewell with a wide moan and closed his eyes tiredly. "Imma put you in the bed, now."

A baa from the corner caught her attention. Once she walked up to the end of the barn, she found a lamb baa-ing behind the shovel.

"How did you get there, little dude?" she asked and grinned at the lamb, outstretching her hand to stroke the head. The lamb twitched and ran before she reached it, overturning the shovel which hit the ground.

Bang.

Ellie straightened up upon the impact of the metal against the dirt. She heard the strike, but it was not a shovel. It was a sound of a golf bat or a gunshot, she couldn't tell the difference, hitting something or someone. It was just for a moment, louder than it was supposed to be. A picture flashed in her mind. Ellie's breathing intensified, and she was out of breath all of sudden. The wind howled louder, carrying the fallen leaves and straws into the barn.

Tears filled her eyes as she lacked the air, JJ was getting restless in her arms. She turned to walk outside, making progress towards the barn door, but just as she was about to reach the door, it closed, engulfing her in complete darkness. All she heard was JJ's cry before she was teleported to another dimension.

She found herself on the staircase, and she could only go down. JJ was no longer in her arms. Ellie looked at herself, noticing the winter clothes and the gloves. Why am I wearing this? Where is Potato?

"Ellie!" Joel called out to her from the distance, his voice was muffled and almost indistinguishable.

"No, no, no!" she cried in panic and rushed downstairs, towards the door at the end of the corridor.

"Help me!"

The parquet beneath the door was bloody, as if someone pulled a bloody corpse on the floor. Her hand twisted the door knob, but it was locked. Joel continued to scream on the other side, pleading for help, pleading for his life.

"Joel!" she cried out to him, but the door wouldn't open. "Please no!" Not again, not again, not again! Why can't I save him? She kept slamming at the door, having to live through the nightmare yet once again.

"Help me, Ellie!"

The door disappeared before her, and she fell down as she tried to rush through it. Where am I?, she asked herself when she realized she wasn't in that corridor anymore. There was a crossroad, overgrown with the grass that found its way through the crack in the concrete. City buildings rose tall around her, and a building was on fire behind. The middle section of the crossroad had collapsed into a wide hole. Ellie expected to hear the noises of the infected coming out of it. Instead, there was silence. Someone stood at the edge of the hole, his back turned to her. All she could see was that he had blonde hair.

"Ben?"

He turned and looked at her, but she couldn't see his face properly, must be because of the distance.

"Ben!" she called out again and ran towards him, but he never seemed closer, no matter how much she ran forward. Ben made a step back, towards the hole.

"Ben, no!" she screamed at him when he made another step backwards, and fell into the hole. "No!"

The light returned to the barn and Ellie found herself sitting on the dirt, screaming with JJ in her arms.

"Ellie?" Dina tried to reach to her, "Look at me. Ellie, look at me."

She couldn't look at her, she barely heard her.

"It's okay. You're home, Ellie. It's okay. Breathe. Breathe."

"I can't, I ca-"

"Okay. I'm gonna take him, okay?." Dina said and took JJ from her hands. He was still crying, traumatized. She felt so guilty. Dina hushed the baby and sat down next to Ellie when JJ calmed down at last. "Shh shh, it's okay."

"I don't know what.. I was just bringing in.."

Dina's hand on her shoulder stopped her from talking.

"Oh man.."

"It's good." Dina concluded with a kind smile, "Haven't had any excitement in a while, huh?"

Ellie simply had no answer to that. Dina's joke was out of place, but she didn't had the nerves to complain about it. Instead, she rested on Dina's shoulder and remained that way for a while.

x

Ellie kept telling herself it was all in the past. That she was going to let go. But her brain knew she couldn't. Almost every night since it happened, Ellie had woken up from repeated nightmares. It had been nearly eight months since, and the nightmares had never left her.

There were days her head just didn't work. Ellie tried so hard to focus, and it was like trying to run through water. Her brain fogged up and thoughts went nowhere at all. Sometimes she thought it was nature's anaesthesia, anything to numb the pain, to wipe out the trauma. Then there were the times of clarity, sudden moments when she could see every detail and feel every feeling. The trigger could be something like a sound, a turn of phrase, a smell. At the start, she hoped it was a process to wipe out the bad memories, to stop her from reliving them. Now she knew it wasn't so simple. It provided some protection, but the price were the flashbacks and the times of confusion. The stronger the blocks became, the more intense the flashbacks were – as if the neurons were fighting for their lives, anything not to wither away.

Yes, Dina said one day, "There will be a future, we have a future." And so that kept her living, breathing, loving. She walked, each day another step onward, always hoping to arrive in that future, in a meadow for their souls, at peace. But she never arrived, she couldn't forget and let go. It felt as if the life she had with Dina was a lie, an illusion that hid her from the reality. Reality that she lost so much, that she did some horrible things.

If flashbacks weren't there, nightmares were. Not two days would pass in a row without either of those. She thought she was happy, but she wasn't. So many things were left undone, left unsaid, left unconcluded. There was always the thought, What if he's still alive? What is he still there, all alone? She never found Ben's body, and hated herself for leaving without finding out. The other part of her was reassuring her that no one could've survived that fall.

One night, she couldn't sleep, having dreamed of Ben again. His face was blurred, and he was quiet with no words to say to her. Each time she looked at him, guilt ate her from inside. She hated herself, for being horrible to him towards the end, blaming him for something that wasn't even important, just because she was blinded by her revenge. She often thought about his last thoughts when he saved her. What did he think about before the fall? Did he blame me for being a total bitch? She found herself on the porch, with an instrument in her hands, a heritage from Joel. The guitar was an ordinary brown, wooden, acoustic guitar. There were times when Ellie saw herself as a talented guitarist. But what Joel did with it was far from ordinary. He was a genius, everyone knew so. And I learned from a genius.

The glowing of the moonlight shone upon the porch of the farmhouse. Ellie sat with her legs spread on the old wooden seat across the fence, strumming the guitar the moon shone on. She would twist her fingers in all sorts of odd shapes to form chords around the wood fretboard and once or twice, would slide her hand up across the higher frets. Ellie took a deep breath, inhaling the chilly midnight air, recalling the lyrics.

"You got me all wrong

You left me underwater

To tumble and fall

So many years ago.."

The song she sang was dedicated to people she loved. To Joel, a closest thing to a father she had. To man that possibly doomed humanity when he killed all those Fireflies when they attempted to make a cure, and all that just to save Ellie. It was something she could never forgive, yet she loved him with the entirety of her heart, and missed him terribly.

With a sigh, she continued whispering the lyrics,

"You got me all wrong

You wandered away

Without which I am nothing

Much more than I can say

To Ben.

You got me all wrong

You got me all wrong

You got me all wrong.."

The lyrics faded away in the night engulfed by the moonlight. Sighing, Ellie leaned forward, resting her head against the body of the guitar. I am a horrible person, she was telling herself that ever since she returned to Jackson. She never got to say I'm sorry to him. She never got to explain that she didn't mean what she said to him before the end. I wish we had more time.

As she gazed upon the moonlit wheat field, a doubt awakened inside of her. The doubt that she didn't search well enough after the battle. And a tiny flicker of hope that he might still be alive. What's the point of this 'peaceful' life I can't find peace within myself? Ellie knew that was most probably a big reach, but she was never completely sure that he died to begin with. The brain, a part of her that was thinking logically, told her that there was no way anyone could've survived the fall in that pit, let alone the explosion that occurred right after. But her heart told her, There was no body, no proof that he was dead. And there was the brain again, If he isn't dead, why didn't he come back home?

It was like these three persons met at a table inside her brain. One was as negative and dark as a demon on a toad stool. His voice shook with fear, as he advised against the move, "because you will fail" and "you will look like a fool. Stay still, and maybe no one will notice how pathetic you are." The second voice was sunlight multiplied, "Hey, full steam ahead. Go back and find him." The third voice was from one that was gone to the couch and was lying down. "Look, this is going to take a lot out of you, in time and effort. Why bother? Sit back and take it easy. That way, perhaps you won't lose what's left of the pity that is your life." When all three had stated their positions, they turned to her for the decision. All three answers struck positive chords to her, but only one could be chosen.

In the end, Ellie was standing by the window of their bedroom, basking in the moonlight that found its way through. Dina was sleeping peacefully on her bed with JJ. There was still enough room on the bed for one person more. She gazed at them from across the room, two people she loved the most in her life. But the decision was made. I have to be sure, she kept telling herself, unable to live in ignorance anymore. She wrote a letter to Dina, explaining herself, knowing that she would never agree. She felt bad for leaving her alone, but she couldn't live with herself anymore. I have to find out, even if the odds are almost inexistent.

And with that, Ellie donned Joel's brown leather jacket and went downstairs to fill her backpack with the essentials, including her journal in which she wrote so often. Her journal was one of the most important things in her life. She found it hard to express herself to other people, it was much easier to do so on the paper. Just as she was about to zip her backpack, Ellie heard footsteps.

"Hey." It was Dina, she was still sleepy. Ellie found it hard to look at her.

"Hey."

Dina made a step forward. She was still in her pajamas. "Man, it's been a while since he slept this long, huh?"

"He had a day." was all Ellie could muster.

"Yeah. He's fine." Dina said, as if hesitating. Does she know I'm leaving? Did she read the letter? Dina was eyeing her clothes and backpack, but still kept a straight face. "Come back to bed."

"I have to go back." Ellie went straight to the point. She didn't say where, but Ellie was sure Dina knew, even if she didn't read the letter.

"Ellie. We've been looking for him but.. He's dead."

Something hit her hard when Dina said it. "I don't sleep. I don't eat. I'm.. I'm not like you, Dina."

"What?" Dina asked with disgust. "You think this is easy? For you, and for JJ, I deal with it."

It was as if her brain malfunctioned. Suddenly it became so hard to find words suitable enough to utter. "I love you.."

"Prove it!" Dina said, probably louder than she expected. Then she made another step forward, getting closer to her. "Stay."

"I can't."

"So what, I'm just supposed to stay here and wait for you, for God knows how long, just thinking you're fucking dead the entire time?"

"I don't plan on dying."

Tear rolled down Dina's cheek. "Yeah, well, neither did Ben. Or Joel."

He can't be dead. Ellie picked up the backpack from the floor and turned to walk away, but Dina grabbed her arms and closed herself in to her, raising her hands to rest them on Ellie's cheeks.

"Hey, stop. Come on." her voice was trembling with each word she spoke. "We've got a family. Nothing is more important than that, right?"

Ellie raised her own hand to Dina's cheek, acting calm on the outside while barely surviving the storm inside. I am making a terrible mistake, but.. She knew she was gonna hurt Dina, perhaps even end their relationship. But as much as she was aware of the consequences, her mind was set.

"No." Dina uttered, defeated, as tears damped her face. She backed off and turned around. "I'm not gonna do this again."

"That's up to you." Ellie whispered, but she knew Dina heard her. When Dina started sobbing again, Ellie turned around. Through the front door, she departed the farm, intent on returning to Seattle to find Ben or find what was left of him.


I wanted to go alone. I needed to be alone, but I couldn't. Went straight to Emily's, asked her to come with me. She agreed without a thought when I explained why I wanted to go there.

Had to do it without horses, Maria's too fucking stubborn.

Everything was quiet till Idaho Falls. A horde cornered us in the basement. We got trapped in the dark. Batteries on my flashlight are running low. The dark is playing with my head. I keep seeing faces. Joel, Tommy, Abby and her friends, Riley, Sam and Henry. Ben. They say things, but I can't remember what. I cover my ears, but I can't shut them out.

Emily doesn't speak to me much. She didn't ask me about Ben, I am worried she's angry at me.

I miss Dina, and my Potato. Did I fuck up everything again?

It's so cold, and it's not even December. I woke up shivering that day and went to look for some warmer clothes. I found some jackets, but Emily refused when I gave her one.

Joel visits my dreams every night, he's yelling at me, blaming me for Tommy's death. Ben always stands somewhere in the distance. I can't see his face, and he never speaks. What is happening with me?

Sometimes I see something good. The farmhouse. Dina and JJ. I see us dancing in the kitchen, painting and singing. I feel Dina holding me at night.

Seattle. We've arrived, I can see the walls.

We had to go around the walls just like last time, the front gate was busted.

Ben, if you're alive.. we will find you.

Please be alive..


A generation ago, the streets of Seattle were rivers of people night and day, millions of them. All that was left of the theater were charred remains, what was left of the wooden construction of the first floor. Roof, along with the second floor, completely collapsed. It seemed the fire didn't spread to other buildings, for the half of the city might had burned if it had been. Evening sun was hidden behind the overcast sky, but the light still lingered somehow.

Ellie stood at the edge of the hole, lost in her thoughts. She visited this place over and over again in her head. To be there again physically took its toll on her. It required a great amount of willpower to be there again.

"This is the place?" Emily asked, walking towards the edge. "This is where he fell?

The two of them didn't speak much even though they spent nearly two weeks together on the road. Emily never asked about Ben's death, and Ellie could never bring herself to speak first.

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

She approached Ellie, looking her straight in the eyes. Something about her usual cold demeanor was different. "The way you look into it. How did it happen?"

Ellie's throat tightened, but she forced herself to speak. "There was this.. man, that attacked me. He almost killed me, but Ben saved me. The two of them then fell in this pit, which was swarming with infected."

Ellie looked down, noticing a few charred remains of disfigured corpses and stray limbs. It was hard to look at it. Each corpse she saw, a thought crossed her mind. A thought that one of them was Ben.

Emily's face saddened, but just for a mere moment. She regained her composure right away, "I didn't come all this way to stare at this fucking hole. Let's start loo.."

A noise in the distance quieted her down, and two girls from Jackson quickly pulled out their weapons, aiming at the direction of the sound. Their reaction caught two people off-guard, and they walked out of their cover in the form of an old car.

"Don't shoot!" a girl with blonde hair pleaded with her arms raised. "We were just passing through."

"Please, don't kill us." a boy added. They seemed to be of same age. Both looked younger than Ellie. And terrified.

Two girls from Jackson exchanged glances, but didn't lower their guns. Whoever those two were, there was a possibility that there were more of them. But they were so young, and the terror on their faces seemed genuine. Then Ellie noticed WLF patches on their jackets.

"You're Wolves?" she growled, ready to pull the trigger at any given moment.

"No!" the boy shouted and bent down from fear, putting hands in front of his face as if that would protect him. "Don't shoot, please!"

Emily approached them in slow steps. Ellie followed close behind. "You have their patches. Don't you lie to me."

"I swear, we're not Wolves. Not anymore!"

"He's right." The girl added, terrified as much as him. "There is no WLF anymore!"

"What?" Ellie asked in disbelief.

The boy made a step forward, as if that would make his explanation better, but backed off immediately when Emily warned him to stay put. "It all happened so fast. Main base blew up from within, someone released the prisoners and they began killing everyone. Scars, trespassers.. anyone who was imprisoned was let loose. After the war with the Scars, many were discontent because of Isaac's leadership… and um.."

"Prisoners?" Emily interrupted him, lowering her gun gradually. "There's this guy, a bit older than you. He's blonde, just like you, girl. My height, basically looks like me. Have you seen him? Was he one of the prisoners?"

Ellie felt hopeful at the start, but all hope faded away when the two shook their heads. She could swear she heard Emily say, "Fuck." She didn't swear much, if at all, just like her brother. WLF is gone, that thought made sense now. Ellie remembered not facing any patrol on their way to the crossroad. City felt empty, except for a few infected they encountered on the way.

"Alright, you don't seem dangerous. Go away, don't look back." Ellie said and lowered her gun, for a second surprised for being merciful. The pair of former Wolves sighed of relief and smiled, saying their thanks. Emily looked at her sideways, but didn't seem bothered by her decision.

"Where will you go now?" Emily asked them. "Now that the WLF is no more."

The boy opened his mouth to speak, but the girl said instead, "To California. Santa Barbara."

"What's there?" Ellie asked.

Girl continued, "There were rumors of Firefly outpost in Santa Barbara. Some of us went there before WLF collapsed. A former Firefly, along with several others."

"A former Firefly?" Ellie asked, suddenly interested. "Who?"

The boy and girl exchanged confused glances because of Ellie's reaction.

"I can tell you her name, but I doubt it means anything to you." Boy added. "Abby Anderson."

x