I Wish I Were Happy

Mac didn't hear from Rod for three weeks. She tried to talk to him, she felt obligated to. But he never returned her calls. He had never frozen her out like this before. Grant it this was a larger fight than usual, but she never thought that he would do this to her. Mac sat in her car in the driveway of their house making yet another attempt to contact him. No answer, "What the hell!" She slammed the cell phone shut.

She got out of the car and walked towards the house. Just as she had gotten the door open, Rod pulled up. Mac got so angry that she threw the cell phone at his windshield. "What the hell Mac?" Rod said jumping out.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you for the past three weeks Rod." Mac said going inside the house.

"I didn't think you missed me." Rod said indignantly trying to make her feel guilty. He had watched the phone ring every day for the past three weeks. Every day at the same time, right before she walked in the house. He knew, because he made a trip from New York every day like a stalker, thinking that would be the day when he would come and talk to her and then deciding to let her suffer just a little longer. She'd hurt him, by asking him to leave. So he left, she couldn't have it both ways.

He followed her inside and watched her as she walked through the living room dropping her briefcase, purse and keys along the way.

She stopped short and whirled around. "What? It doesn't really matter weather I missed you or not. You are still my husband."

He glared; He needed to fight this out. He needed to argue about this, to get it off his chest. So he hit below the waist. "Like I was your husband that first night? You came home and were hanging all over some guy." He said not letting her know that he knew it was Mike.

"It was Mike, Rod." Mac said her anger dissipating just a little knowing the touchiness of that subject.

"Oh that makes me feel so much better." Rod said feeling that the tides were about to turn in his favor. "You were all over him, kissing him..." Just then a shoe sailed by his head. He knew it was a warning shot, Mackenzie had dead aim. He knew he had gotten as much of a reaction from her as he was going to get. She usually struck out like that when she felt cornered and just after that, she would withdraw within herself. He backed down.

"He was there for me." Mac said and took off the other shoe preparing to throw it if need be. She was starting to feel tired from all of the emotional strain. She unbuttoned her skirt and started up the stairs. "Do what you came to do and get out."

Rod watched his wife head up the stairs, "Wait a minute Mac, Are you trying to say that I wasn't there?" Mac stopped short and turned to face him. The hurt in his eyes was hard to ignore. "I wanted to be there… You are the one who pushed me out of the door."

"I didn't push." Mac started.

"You pushed." Rod interrupted. "I couldn't let you resent me. I love you."

Mac shook her head and walked away. She didn't want to say anymore. She didn't want to hear anymore. Rod followed her up the stairs, he wanted to continue, but she looked so deflated. He had pushed as far as it could go, and unfortunately he didn't feel any better for it.

He needed to get more clothes so he followed silently, allowing her some space.


Mac was standing in front of the mirror stripped down to her underwear. She noticed how her belly bulged out just a little bit. She hadn't expected to show quite so soon. Dr. Perkins had estimated that she was very nearly eight weeks pregnant and she was poking out a bit already.

She was amazed at the way she was feeling, how she could actually feel the weight of the baby on her bladder. She spotted Rod looking at her through the mirror and she reached for her bathrobe. "I don't know how you expect us to work things out if you won't talk to me." She said covering herself up.

He wondered why she would cover herself? He had seen her in less than that before. This ignited his anger once more. "I'm hurt Mac." Rod said, "You cheated on me."

"I didn't cheat." Mac's anger flared up again and she felt like throwing another shoe at him.

"But I thought you did." Rod corrected, "Of all the people you could have talked to. Maybe I would have been able to accept it if it were Carl helping you into our house that night."

"I went to the bar alone. Mike just happened to walk in and spotted me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was drunk, and like him or not he has always been a good friend to me. He didn't leave me there alone." Mac said.

"Why didn't you just go call Carl?" Rod said still unwilling to accept it.

"Carl was in Barbados, enjoying a second or third honeymoon with Sue, Rod." Mac said a bit forcefully. "I did not CHEAT on anyone."

Mac was near tears. She not only looked as if her heart was broken but she looked physically ill. He had never been able to elicit a response like that from her. He had to believe what she was saying. Mike had been a topic of contention for them for years, but he knew Mac was incredibly principled. Too principled to lie about this. "I'm sorry."

Mac turned away and sat on their bed head in her hands. "I thought I told you to get out." She was crying, she hated to cry.

"Yeah," Rod said deciding that right now would not be the time to point out that he had apologized. This had been only the fourth time he had seen her cry. The other three were after she had lost each of their children. She hated to be seen like this. She hated even worse to be coddled. So he picked up the bag he had packed and headed towards the door. "Do you want to call Dr. Sheid? Or should I?"

They hadn't been through therapy since the first time she had miscarried. The doctor proved to be quite instrumental during the grieving process. Maybe he could help them with this. It was grief related too wasn't it? "My lunch is free on Tuesday." Mac said quietly, and with a nod Rod left his house as raw as he had just seen his wife.

He hated himself for stripping her like that, but she wanted to talk. She had called him every day for three weeks. So he talked, and she didn't. What wasn't she telling him? He hoped that maybe she would open up at therapy, but knowing Mac and what she just went through, she probably wouldn't show up.

Mac flinched when she heard the door close and the engine of his car roar. She curled up on her left side and allowed more tears to fall. She sobbed and prayed. "Lord, give me strength. I'm supposed to be happy about this. This beautiful thing you've given us is being tainted because of my doing. Give me the strength to undo it." Her body was ravaged with sobs. She was shaking and crying. "It's all my fault. All my fault. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."