Chapter 26: Winds of winter

Finally, the day she was dreading was there, and Ellie couldn't halt the moment that inevitably came. Everything depended on what she did next. What she did and how she did it. She couldn't think straight this morning, having put her switchblade in the wrong pocket and then panicked when she couldn't find it. Today it could be the difference of walking away to let everything go and being in a relationship once again, or at least planting the seeds of possibility. Her hands spread like pale starfish around her favorite tea cup, and they were cold too, resisting the warmth that struggled to seep into them. I must be quite gaunt, she thought. But I won't be looking in the mirror today. I don't want to see my face. Would it look like the faces of those emotionally defeated and depressed? Or it would be the face of a confident young woman. All she could do was watch the colors of her living room drift because of the sun's movement.

"Fuck it." she told herself and jumped off the sofa, almost spilling the green tea before she cautiously placed the cup on the table. Breaking her favorite cup would be a sacrilege of the worst kind. There weren't too many people outside because of the cold, except for those who had to be. Because of the heavy snowfall from last night, many were outside to pave the path through the whiteness. Blizzard was so strong it was impossible to see anything during the day, let alone the night. Even some of the sentries left the towers, presuming that no one would dare attack during the blizzard. No one sane, at least.

Ellie said her greetings to a couple of acquaintances in passing, but none of them was someone who was particularly close to her. At least not as a person she went to visit. The nervousness ate at her harder and harder as she approached Dina's house, remembering how she tried the same a day back before turning around and heading home. She was too nervous and afraid. But she also knew that she couldn't delay it any longer. Ellie hadn't seen Dina since she left the farm. She did see Jesse, though, who visited her last night an hour before the snowstorm. Ellie wasn't in the mood to talk, but he still expressed his displeasure because she never asked him to go with her.

"Ben was a friend of mine too, you know." he told her angrily. "Man, If I knew you were going, I'd go with you."

But his anger certainly faded quickly when she told him what she had learned from Abby. At first he was shocked to hear that Ben had survived, and when she told him about the other thing she found out, his face darkened, but in the end he just shook his head and said. "We should have found him. If we had found him..."

"We tried, Jesse. The best we could." she answered him, but even she didn't believe what she was saying. She was glad to see him again, but the conversation with him was not pleasant. All she wanted was to be alone and stop thinking about everything, but the memories never went away, as did the feeling of sadness that was constantly with her. But at least she didn't have to think about it now. There was an encounter of an enormous importance right ahead of her.

When Ellie raised her hand to knock on Dina's front door, she noticed that her right hand was shaking. She held it up for a few seconds before knocking three times. Those few moments of waiting seemed as long as eternity, and then the door finally opened.

Dina held JJ in her arms, staring at her with an expressionless face. Almost immediately, Ellie noticed that Little Potato had grown bigger, and his hair thickened, black as soot. Dina was looking at her, then tears welled up in her eyes and she hugged Ellie with her free hand. Ellie did the same and remained that way for a few moments in silence.

Ellie turned down food but accepted a cup of tea, taking tiny sips of it as she waited on the couch with JJ. She didn't want to chew on her nails or lips, so she found herself gnawing on the inside of her cheek.

"Here you go." Dina brought her some sugar and sat down next to her on the couch. Little Potato was putting his fingers in his mouth for the third time, and Ellie would have tried her best to wean him off it, but now he was simply too cute for her to resist the urge to smush him. JJ protested but also laughed toothlessly. Tears welled up in her eyes when he recognized her. He was not afraid of her and wanted her to hold him.

"Thanks." Ellie said, having to keep with JJ pulling her hair.

"How are you?" Dina asked her, smile ever glued on her face. She looked tired, her eyelids were pronounced and she seemed she'd fall asleep as soon as she went to bed.

"I'm okay. You?"

Dina nodded, "A lil' tired. This guy wears me out every day. He's so demanding."

"Jesse was demanding too." Ellie joked and both girls laughed. "I'm happy to see you guys."

"I'm glad you're back too." Dina said and her smile slowly faded away. "I was worried. A lot."

Ellie didn't know what to say. She looked away and continued to play with JJ who found her hair so interesting for some reason. Suddenly, she found herself wishing she didn't cut it as short so he had more hair to play with.

"You look… banged up." Dina said, and Ellie noticed her glimpsing at her left hand, the one that lacked ring and pinky fingers.

"It's nothing…" Ellie said to brush it off, but Dina's face turned sad. It seemed she couldn't talk as if nothing had happened between them.

"I guess you didn't find him."

The inky darkness engulfed the frail light, diminishing all happiness and bliss that had risen when she finally saw the two of them. Ellie shook her head, "I didn't."

"Your fingers… can I know?"

Now only silence lingered in the air. How am I supposed to tell her? How am I supposed to tell her that I've gone after Abby?

"Well…" she finally started, her throat feeling kind of dry, so she had to take a sip of tea before continuing. "…Emily and I, we went to Santa Barbara. It's in California."

Dina raised her eyebrow, "In California? What were you doing there?"

"Abby went there."

Dina opened her mouth to say something, but words weren't coming out. Her eyes were wide of shock. "She survived?"

"Yeah, and I wanted to ki-"

Dina smirked, "Of course."

"Of course what?"

"Of course you'd go after her."

JJ was still playing with her hair, but Ellie wasn't paying as much attention to it now. "What's that supposed to mean, Dina?"

"It means you're selfish, Ellie."

"Well, that was fucking quick, Dina."

"And to think that I actually hoped that everything would be okay once you came back." Dina said, "I thought, maybe you'd find him or not, but you'll come home either way and realize that you have family waiting for you. Family that was worried sick for you."

"Home? You left the farm, Dina. The farm was our home."

"I couldn't stay there alone with JJ. Bandits are becoming a threat again. I had to come back. Still, I waited for you…"

"I'm right here." Ellie was raising her voice steadily, but she wasn't aware of that.

"…but you decided that your revenge was more important than your family."

She stood up, clutching JJ tightly in her arms. She was out of words. In a way, she was aware that she actually went to Santa Barbara to chase after Abby, rather than to find out if Ben was was just an excuse she told Emily.

"I had to go, Dina. You don't understand-"

"This was really hard for me, Ellie." Dina was crying, and Ellie was on the verge of tears herself. "Every single fucking day, I kept thinking about you. I kept thinking if you were dead somewhere, lying face down in a gutter. I get it, you feel guilty for failing to avenge Joel, and now Ben and Tommy. But I'll never understand why you chose her over us!"

"Dina… I don't regret what I did. I simply… had to know, had to do it."

"How does it feel, then? Do you feel better now that she's dead?"

Ellie looked away. "I let her live." She said, almost whispered.

Dina spread her arms in disbelief, "Oh, great. You leave your family behind, go… god knows where to kill that woman that… that turned you into this. In the end, you lose your fingers, you lose your family, and you don't kill her. So much for nothing?"

It wasn't for nothing.

"Turn me into what?" JJ was crying in her arms, but the two girls seemed not to notice it.

"Into an obsessed idiot!"

Ellie stood dumbfound and shocked, without a single word to utter. Dina crossed her arms and shook her head repeatedly as tears streamed down her face. Then she finally noticed the crying JJ and took her away from him, shushing and calming him down. Ellie felt guilt for making him cry. You stupid idiot, look at what you've done now.

"You just won't understand, Dina…" she hissed through her teeth.

"I understand." Dina's voice was low, she was still preoccupied with JJ who was a little calmer now.

"You don't." Ellie sat down and wiped the tear that rolled down her left cheek. Dina sat too, and for a while, they sat like that, not talking to each other, only sound being Dina's shushing. "He survived the fall, Dina."

Dina's swollen red eyes looked up at her, her jaw dropped. "Oh my god."

"He did. And they captured him." it was still hard to talk about it. Too hard. "Do you want to know what they did next?"

Dina parted her lips to reply, but Ellie interrupted her, "They tortured him until he died. They tortured HIM! Because we couldn't find him!"

JJ twitched from the sudden explosion of her voice, beginning to cry once again. Dina's eyes teared up again. "I'm so sorry, Ellie."

Ellie shrugged sadly, trying to push away the memories. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry too. He's dead. And I'll feel the guilt forever. But you know what? I hoped… I truly hoped you'd forgive me. Because then, I'll be able to start again, to be truly happy and at peace with myself. Just like Joel wanted, and just like Ben wanted. He tried to talk me out of it back in Seattle… he told me to go home."

"Ellie…"

"I guess I'll have to do it without you."

She gripped the couch so tightly her arms went white. Her nails dug deep into the old leather as if to give her a better grasp, or to perhaps give her hope that Dina would say something like "I love you." or "I want us to be family again." A tear rolled onto her cheek, but she didn't care if Dina saw. She needed to stay focused. She used to tell herself "I need to stay focused." …but after a lifetime of being oblivious torture, she knew not what to do next.

Dina devoted her attention to JJ again, calming him down even though she still cried. "Okay. That's up to you."

Those were the last words she told Dina before she left the farm. How ironic. It's really over then? Everything we had… it's no more? No more of us?"

Dina cried harder, "I think you should go."

Ellie nodded, letting tears roll down her cheeks before she remembered to wipe them off. She stood up and fixed her clothes.

"I'll find my way out, you don't have to." she sniffed as she stood up.

"Ellie." Dina stood up after her, grabbing her elbow to stop her. "I'm sorry."

Ellie smiled sadly. "I'm sorry too."

That heartbreak felt colder once she got back home. It felt like concrete drying in her chest. The heartbreak was expected and unexpected at the same time. Why was that? She laid all her hopes in settling down with Dina to complete the beginning of her new life. But perhaps that new beginning required for everything to begin anew, including her relationships.

When she got home, she missed both of them already. Images of the three of them spending the winter together, swimming with JJ in the river during summer, and so many others ran through her head. How the two of them raised him and how JJ grew into a handsome young man. The fact that he would not play such a role in his life ate at her from within. But she was done crying and despairing. Few droplets of tears still remained, blurring Ellie's vision with waves of sadness, but she decided to push it back, that ever-present feeling of loneliness.


This fucking snow. There's no end to it! I am shoveling it all day long, but the damn thing falls the next day and undoes my whole work. I can't wait for it to end.

It's very cold, but a seat by the cozy fireplace, and a cup of tea with a book would drive the cold away. I enjoy being alone like that, from time to time. One day, Jesse invited me to go on patrol with him. I haven't been on patrol for ages. We laughed together, cracking some stupid jokes.

I go to the cemetery every morning. It helps when I talk to them.

Maria called me for a cup of tea, and I was surprised when I found Emily there. We talked about many things. And we talked about them, and how we miss them. Maria then insisted we talk about happier things. I am worried about her, she never used to drink, but she doesn't seem stop now. She's going through a lot, the whole settlement is. Tommy was also one of the leaders, and with his death, all responsibilities fell on her shoulders. I need to help her get through it.

Dina and JJ walk past my house every afternoon. We didn't really talk much, except for saying hi to each other. I miss her and JJ, even though they live so close to me. I miss her a lot.

...I swear to god, if this fucking snow falls again, I'm moving south...


Shoveling snow was a work out and one that barely needed a coat. Often times Ellie would simply wear a sweater, gloves and a toque. Perhaps the first few moments felt chilly, watching the air from her lungs rise, but a few noisy scrapes upon the driveway, and she was warm enough inside. Often times she'd catch a glimpse of the new snow settling in her hair, or see the children at the window watching her progress from the house across the street. There were times she'd dig it clean only to have to repeat it in an hour or two, but hey, that was the winter in Wyoming. When her muscles began to tighten with fatigue, she set down her shovel and wiped her forehead. Despite the cold, sweat dripped down her forehead.

"Hey." Dina's voice sounded almost melodic in the whiteness of the day. She approached her through the driveway. Ellie felt tinglings in the stomach, dumbfound by a surprise visit. "Being busy, I see."

"Um, yeah. All day long." she hoped she didn't sound awkward. Their conversation from a few days ago still lingered around her head. What are you doing here, Dina?, she wanted to ask but couldn't just roll it over her tongue. "This snow is driving me fucking crazy."

"Jesse helps me." she said, prompting Ellie to raise an eyebrow. "I'm busy with JJ and the house all day long, so… he offered to help."

Ellie nodded, and sat down on a stump. She used it pretty often to chop some firewood when the need arises. "What's up?"

"I was walking around town, heard something about some newcomers."

"Another settlers, I guess." Ellie responded, to which Dina said, "Probably, yeah."

"How is he, Little Potato?"

Dina's smile gave away sadness when Ellie called JJ by that nickname. "He's a little devil. I can't get enough sleep because of him, he'd play all day long if he could."

"Where is he, anyway?"

"I left him at Jesse's. Mr. and Mrs. Chang deserve some time with their grandson. What about you? How are you these days?"

Ellie smirked, "Came to check up on me?" She didn't want to hope. She didn't allow herself to hope. During the past few days, she tried to come to terms that her relationship with Dina was over, blaming herself for it as much as she blamed Dina. Is this what you felt, Ben? This ever-present feeling of guilt?

Dina grinned, "Maybe."

After that, they stayed quiet for a while.

"Some of us are gonna sneak out tonight. Since JJ is with his grandparents, I guess I'll be going too. Wanna come?" Dina scribbled something on the snow with her boot, nervously stroking her forearm.

Ellie shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe."

"Jesse will come too. We didn't sneak out for a long time."

We? Do you mean Jesse and you or you and me?, irritating thoughts went through her head. I don't care. I'm not jealous.

"You know, Ellie..." Dina started, "…I'm worried."

"About what?" No, I won't hope. I'm not going to hope.

"About you. I know how hard it was for you when we came back from Seattle and-"

"Let's not talk about Seattle, Dina. And I'm okay." Ellie cut her midway and stood up to return the shovel to a small shack beside her house that was used as a storage room.

"Ellie… I don't want you to suffer."

"No, Dina. Don't say anything about it. I put it behind me, and it's over. Over."

"Sorry."

Are you?

"So, are you coming tonight?" Dina mentioned after a while to break the silence once again. "We will hang out together with others. Could be fun."

With a sigh, Ellie leaned on the wooden wall of the shack, "I still have some work to do. I'll catch up with you later."

I want to come, Dina.

Dina nodded, corner of her lips weakly curling upwards into an insecure smile, "Yeah, well, I have to check up on JJ as well."

"Okay. Kiss him for me."

"Will do."

For a while, two girls looked at each other longingly. And right there, for a second, it seemed as if both of them would reach out for each other, to rekindle the flame that once burned brightly.

I lov- stop it, Ellie.

But, Dina simply turned and walked away, leaving Ellie alone. When Dina was out of sight, Ellie slammed the shack door shut and sighed to calm herself, running her hand through hair. Then she returned to the house, shaking off the snow on the doorstep to keep it out. She made a pot of tea, and leaned back in her chair as she waited for the water to boil. It was difficult to recognize what time it was outside because of the invisible sun in the white sky, but she knew it was only noon.

She took the guitar and placed it on her lap. Due to the lack of fingers, she could not play as well as she could in the past, but she tried to learn again. She'd strum the strings with her left hand while forming chords with her right that was still whole. It was a clumsy attempt, and she'd have her fingers intertwined as her right tried to repeat what became a mechanical movement of her left. She tried to learn for days, and even managed to make little progress. However, she was aware that the right hand would never be able to form chords as skillfully as the left. That didn't stop her from playing a little bit every night, though. Ellie found peace in music whether she played it herself or listened to it on her walkman.

"Go ahead, you're taking me down now

Give me, give me, give me, give me what you don't know

Go ahead, take me all out now…"

She sang, her voice a mere whisper as she missed most of the chords for the song that reminded her of Dina for some reason. When she realized what she was singing, she put down the guitar and shook her head, annoyed. I promised myself I'd live again, I have to let it go!, she thought and scribbled something in her diary. Something which was Dina and JJ's portrait, just a tad different from the ones scribbled on previous pages.

"Ugh!" she screamed when she realized she was drawing them again and threw the diary across the room. Notebook hit the wall in the kitchen and landed on the floor. She wasn't sad, she was angry. Angry at herself and her mistakes. Angry at Dina and everything else. Why can't I stop hoping? Let it go, you fucking idiot.

Feeling bad for throwing her only means of expressing herself, she stood up and walked towards the kitchen to pick up the notebook. Lifting it up, she looked at the page the diary fell on. There was nothing written on the page, except for a small drawing in the middle of the paper. It was a teenager sitting on the grass, leaned against the tree, on the top of a hill. A wolf pup was resting on his lap, and he played with the pup's ears while listening to music on his walkman. If she ever thought which music he would be listening to, it would definitely be techno. His face was peaceful, and his eyes closed as if he was sleeping. That hilltop held a very dear place in her heart.

Ellie looked at the drawing for a while, even after she sat back on the sofa. When she put it down, she sighed deeply. I didn't talk to them today. She was so angry at the snow and preoccupied by shoveling that she forgot to go to the cemetery, for the first time since she got back.

Ellie dressed a simple brown jacket she had in her wardrobe for a while but never had the opportunity to wear it. The air was chilly and the firm snow was underfoot, top layer crunchy. Gentle snow was falling from the white-grey clouds, a leftover from the last night's blizzard. There was enough snow for people to shovel it all day long and only be halfway done. Ellie didn't remember the blizzard of higher intensity. Not once in those five-six years she was living in Jackson there was a snowstorm such as the one from last night.

At least it's a bit warmer today, she thought with hands shoved in the pockets, as she walked towards the cemetery through slippery streets turned white, until she finally reached the cemetery. She wondered if she'd find Maria or Emily there, but they weren't there. They probably visited this morning. The cemetery was deprived of other living souls except for Ellie. Mourners were gone by the end of the morning.

Joel and Tommy's graves were right next to each other, close to the entrance. Ellie hated that she couldn't bring flowers to place on the graves, but there simply weren't any she could find. Not during that stage of winter. She'd always despise that they couldn't bring Tommy's body back. His grave was empty, but Ellie still honored it as his resting place regardless, even though he was not there. Six feet underground, she thought when she crouched next to Joel's grave. It must be cold down there, Joel.

She remained that way for a while, brushing snow away to clear their names, so they became visible and grave spots recognizable. Ellie wondered if she'd end up like some of the mourners that never got over the deaths of their loved ones. The cemetery should be spooky and fill her with chills, at least that's what she used to think. Yet in this afternoon light under the white winter sky, when the air was stagnant with snowflakes descending from above, it felt more like the park on Sunday afternoon.

Ellie caressed Joel's name on the tombstone for one last time before she stood up. Looking across the cemetery, she noticed a person at Tom's grave. Whoever that was, she didn't notice him before, as if he wasn't there at all.

Who is that?

Ellie walked through the snow that reached above her ankles to pave the way to Tom's grave, genuinely curious. He didn't seem to notice her when she stopped a few paces away, staring at him with confusion. She didn't remember meeting him before, a stranger in a black coat. A stranger that stood by Tom's grave. Tom's grave. His hair was white as the snow around him, and his complexion pale, a total contrast to his dark outfit. With caution, Ellie made a step forward towards him, but stopped when his head suddenly turned to face her. His piercing eyes, as blue as the sea, were barely visible under the bangs that fell over his eyes. Eyes that stole her breath and heat from her skin.

She just stood there, staring at the man in front of her. Cold breeze blew into her face, her vision blurred by hair she had to move from her face. His face painted a faint smile, those piercing eyes staring right into her soul.

"Ellie." he called out to her, in a voice she thought she'd never hear again. Breeze played lightly with his hair, and Ellie's eyes widened. Even though his hair was completely white, the look in his eyes something else, and he stood there as if he was a different human being, there was simply no mistaking it-

Suddenly her defenses were just paper, paper that was being soaked by the rapidly falling briny drops. Before she could draw in the air her body needed, she had melted into his form. She could feel his firm torso and the heart that beat within in a tense rhythm. Her arms folded around him, drawing him in closer. Ellie felt her body shaking, crying for all days of despair, but a single part of her still doubted. Tears blurred her vision.

I'm not going to cry! I'm not- Am I dreaming?

When Ellie felt the touch of his hands as he hugged her back, she knew it was all real. Every wall, every defense she set up, collapsed completely. Ellie, unable to utter a single word, remained silent in Ben's arms.

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