Chapter 27 – Alone

There was only the sound of the wind. Small particles of snow changed the direction in which they fell according to the breeze. The day was bright – and white – that afternoon, though it was getting quite late. By now, many had lit up their fireplaces to warm their houses, to protect themselves from the wintry cold in their shelters between four walls. But Ben wasn't cold. He had no fireplace to warm him or four walls to protect him from the wind. Yet, he wasn't cold.

Ellie held him, clutching his black coat so tightly that he feared her fingers would crumble. He felt her touch, her presence, her existence. The way she rested her head on his chest - as if she was checking if his heart was beating – would probably make him blush in the past. But the past was long gone, and he was a different person.

Ellie's grip loosened, and she looked up. She was shorter than him for half a head. Their eyes met on the same plane, blue against green. Her gaze was a vortex of emotions. Shock, sadness, happiness all at once. She looked at him as if she saw a ghost. He didn't flinch when Ellie wrapped her hands around his face, inspecting it. He shaved that morning, so his chin shouldn't be rough. Her fingers checked his chin, cheekbones and the jawline pronounced because he lost some weight.

"Ben." she finally uttered, revealing her teeth as a grin conquered her face. He nodded his head slowly, keeping his face emotionless. Suddenly, there was no joy in her voice and the grin faded away.

"You look different. Your hair…" Ellie glanced upward. "It's white."

She just looked at him, his face. Her mouth was pursed but slightly open and loose, eyes fixed as if she was looking at something a yard behind his head.

"Ellie." His voice was but a whisper when he called her name. Ever since that event, he didn't speak much. Ellie blinked, refocusing.

"You're alive." she said the words as if that was something she'd say in a morning tea conversation.

Ben nodded and watched her stand there frozen in shock and disbelief. She was as beautiful as he remembered her to be. Her hair was cut a bit shorter, but on first glance, he liked this hairstyle more. He couldn't miss the scars even if he wanted to. A new one stretched through the upper lip barely visible, and there was one just in the middle of her chin. Third scar slashed just below her left eyebrow, all of them representing reminders of her quest. Quest for revenge. And, of course, the trademark scar remained in its place, splitting her right eyebrow in two.

"Good." he said after a while.

She gasped upon hearing his voice again, and asked. "Good?"

Corner of his lips curled upward into a weak smile, "You didn't cry." I hate it when you cry, Ellie. At first, she seemed even more confused, but she simply nodded in the end and looked away, before locking her eyes on him again. Those bright, green eyes examined him profoundly.

"Oh, man." was all she said before her face painted a wide grin for a moment, and she seemed happy again. They didn't speak, nor did they need to.

I'm home.

Yet you're not happy, the voice sounded itself. It's not over yet. It's never over.

Ben wished Ellie would say something, something that would force the voice in his head to shut up. In the end, he just shook his head and looked at Tom's grave.

Thomas Walker was engraved on the tombstone. It was his brother's resting place, an eerie reminder of his sin.

"I, um, tended to his grave." Ellie said, breaking the silence. "Whenever Emily couldn't."

Emily… my sister, the thought came like a memory. He looked at Ellie's direction, but not exactly at her, more like over her shoulder. There was a movement in the distance, a child that was peeking behind the tree. In the moment Ben spotted the child, it ran away. His eyebrows furrowed angrily. It wasn't the first time he saw the child. He saw it on his way out of Seattle. He saw it on his journey home and in his dreams. And now, he saw it in Jackson, just like he thought he would.

"You okay?" she asked him and grabbed the sleeve of his coat, waking him up from his thoughts.

Ben calmly looked away from the spot where he saw the child and looked at Tom's grave thoughtfully again. "I am."

"It's getting cold. Let's get some tea at my place. We can talk there." she said. He could feel it radiating out of her. She was impatient, and she was curious. She wanted to know everything. How he survived, how he came back.

Ben nodded at her and picked up his backpack that lied on the snow next to his feet. He followed her out of the graveyard, through the deserted streets of the settlement. When he approached the settlement about an hour ago, sentries didn't want to let him in at first. Their faces turned pale when they finally recognized him. Other than those two sentries, no one else saw him, and those two wouldn't abandon their posts just to spread the news of his return.

They walked along the main street that led from the main gate of the settlement. The street stretched all the way to the center of the settlement. At the center itself was a forum where people mostly gathered in spring and summer, when the weather allowed people to gather and enjoy the music together. The forum also served when news or decisions of great importance were being made, such as one year when Jackson was still at war with those bandits who persistently looted caravans that drove material from the settlement to the dam uphill and vice versa. Maria ordered the counterattack. The war ended with Tommy and Joel gathering fifty willing men and women, and striking them hard at the main base. There were casualties, but the bandits went upstairs, and those who survived fled and never returned.

There were several important buildings around the forum. Probably the most important was the church where weddings and public parties took place. Ben had never been a fan of such events, but he didn't mind going to one from time to time, though Emily had to persuade him in most cases. They walked past a few people Ellie greeted, and they in turn sent questioning glances at them, probably turning their heads after them as they walked past, but Ben didn't bother to check if that was the case.

He stopped at the doorstep of Ellie's house, examining the interior. Last time he was here, he went to say his condolences to her after Joel died, but she wasn't there at the time. It looked more or less the same. Everything was in the same room, except for the bathroom. That one common room was divided into the kitchen and living area, the latter compromising of the combined bedroom and living room. He spent many hours there, playing Playstation and board games with her, talking late into the night and so on. He was so young and innocent back then.

"I got green, black…" Ellie went through the flavors of the tea after she took off her jacket, demanding Ben to do the same. She warmed up the place pretty well. "…oh, and fruit tea as well. So… which one?"

He shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"You know, I can make you pancakes."

Pancakes, huh?, he remembered it well. Those were his own words. You owe me pancakes when we get back home, it seemed as if it was forever ago when he told her.

"Nah, just the tea." he replied. "I'm not really hungry."

Ellie nodded, pouring hot water in the tea cup. She stared at him with, all while smirking.

Ben raised an eyebrow, "What?"

She shook her head and waved it off, "Nothing. It's just, I'll have to get used to your hair. It looks kinda good, though."

"You think?"

"Oh yeah. You're capturing that edgy look perfectly."

In some other circumstances, he'd laugh at her joke. All he could muster was a weak grin. Memory was still fresh. When he took a sip of the hot liquid, she sat beside him on the sofa, and for a while, there was an awkward silence, just like in the past. He noticed her eyeing his fingernails from time to time, thinking he didn't notice. They were a striking sight after all, all blackened from a continuous torture. It would take some time for them to get back to normal, if they ever get back to normal.

"I still got those tapes I borrowed from you." she said, taking a sip from her own cup. He looked at her with curiosity.

"I lost my walkman in Seattle."

"I can give you mine."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"Yep."

"Right."

Awkwardness. One thing that never changed. But still, so much has changed, he couldn't help but think about it. Not just him, but her as well. He spotted the missing fingers on her left hand, and it wasn't just the physical appearance that was different. He was dying to ask her.

"Do you remember when the settlement celebrated the new year," she started while staring at the blank tv screen. "and we had those fireworks?"

"I do." memory came right away. Ben was always kind of shy and reserved, but still very mischievous. "Maria strictly told us we were not supposed to go anywhere near it."

Ellie laughed, "And you had to know why they exploded the way they did, in many colors and patterns."

His craving for that knowledge was what cost them the fireworks that night. At least in the sky.

"I'll never forget slicing the barrel of the biggest one in two, hoping I'd see something magical inside. The moment gunpowder came in contact with air, it burnt right away." He explained, grin slowly expanding on his face.

"And the whole supply of fireworks exploded right in that storage."

"And burned it to the ground. I'm lucky I made it out alive."

"You? We're both lucky. I was with you that night."

They both laughed at the memory.

"Emily wanted to kill me so bad." Ellie was laughing out loud now when he reminded her. "I'll never forget the look on her face when Maria told her it was me. I was hiding on a tree, hoping she won't see me."

"And?"

"She saw me." she laughed harder.

Ellie took another sip of her tea, "I think I didn't see you for at least seven days after that."

"I think it was longer than that." he rolled his eyes.

Just now, he realized he spoke more words than he did in the last month. And it wasn't the first time he wondered why Ellie made him feel the way he felt. There was something about her that would wake up a whole different person in him.

"Speaking of others, how are they?" he asked.

Ellie sighed deeply, her laughter slowly dying out. "I'm not going to lie, Emily is having it really hard. I don't blame her, though. But now that you're back, I can't imagine her happiness when she sees you."

Ben played with his fingers when she said it, his face blank. He learned to keep a blank face, whether he was happy or sad, angry or calm.

Is she going to feel better?, the question popped in his mind, and he hoped the voice wouldn't be there to answer it.

"Where's Dina? I thought you'd be living with her. She has a baby now, right?"

Ellie's face darkened a bit and she shrugged, "Dina and I, we sorta broke up."

Ben could barely contain his surprise. Two girls seemed perfect for each other last time he remembered. He wanted to ask her why, but contained the question.

"And, yeah…" her face lightened up a bit, "…Potato is the cutest."

Ben almost choked on a tea he tried to drink, "She named her baby Potato?"

Ellie punched him in the arm, another reminder of the past, "No, stupid. That's what I call him. His name is JJ."

Now he felt stupid. Of course his name isn't Potato, you dumbass. There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, so many things he wanted to know, all at once. But so did she. He saw it on her face. Ellie was waiting for the right moment to ask him. What happened to him, how he survived and came back. And it seemed that the perfect moment was just around the corner. There was one detail that bothered him the whole time. Ellie was looking at him as if she knew something.

"So…" she started in a lower voice, her right fist clenched. "…I got something to tell-"

The rhythmic knocking on her door interrupted her midway through the sentence.

"Yo, Ellie!" said the voice from the other side of the door. Ben smirked when he recognized it. Ellie raised her hand in a gesture for him to wait and walked up to the door, opening it slightly.

"Jesse." she said, and made a little pause. "Dina. What's up?"

"You coming?" Dina asked her, her voice muffled, she didn't exactly speak loudly.

"Where?"

"We're going out." Jesse explained. "Didn't you tell her, Dina?"

Ellie waved it off, "Right. I forgot, sorry."

"So, you coming?"

Ellie hesitated for a bit before she continued. She stared at them awkwardly. Ben sat on the sofa, looking at the wall, finding its blankness surprisingly interesting.

"I think you guys should get in."

Ben was surprised when his rhythm of heartbeats remained the same. He slowly got up on his feet as Jesse and Dina walked in, and Ellie closed the door after them.

"I haven't been here in a wh-" Dina closed her mouth as soon as she saw him, her eyes widened. Jesse, who was usually calm and composed, frowned as he saw him. Both of them stared at him for a while, trying to recognize the person in front of them. Dina then put a hand across her mouth. Both of them stood frozen just like Ellie at the graveyard.

"Ben?" Jesse asked, tiny slits that were his tilted eyes narrowing even further. "Oh my god."

Jesse walked around the coffee table and embraced him tightly. He was taller, thus Ben struggled to return the hug in the same manner. Dina followed right behind, her embrace was tighter, he thought she'd break his neck.

"How-"

"You're alive!" both of the spoke at the same time.

"I barely recognized you." Dina said, her jaw still dropped. She looked at his hair and her eyes suddenly teared up. "Oh my god."

"Dude, what happened to your hair?" Jesse asked with a wide grin on his face. "It's white, man."

Ben shrugged, "New style."

Jesse grinned again and spread his left arm around Ben's neck, clutching it tightly in a friendly manner. Dina looked at Ellie insecurely and wiped her tear, prompting Ben to raise his eyebrow.

"You look so skinny." Dina said after all of them sat down. "You should eat, gain back some weight and color in your skin."

"It's fine." was all he said. "Where's lil' JJ?"

Jesse smiled, "He's with his grandparents. That's why we decided to go out. We got a night off."

"We?" Ellie asked. Ben recognized what she meant by that. Already jealous, Ellie? As far as he knew, Jesse still liked Dina, and well, he was the father of her child. Everything was possible to say the least. Perhaps Dina liked him back?

"All of us, I mean." Jesse corrected himself, "Cat and few others are probably waiting by the church. You coming, Ellie? Ben? We can also stay here if you want, to catch up."

Cat, Ben frowned when he mentioned her. Jesse seemed much happier than Dina. Though Dina seemed happy and relieved that he was alive and well, he couldn't help it but notice a spark of sadness in her eyes whenever she looked at him, as if she knew something. Just like Ellie. From what he knew, there was no way the two of them knew about the torture. He didn't plan on telling them about it, anyway. That was something he was going to keep to himself and leave it like that. It was his pain, and his alone.

"Oh no." he said, "Go out and have fun. I'll go and see Emily."

Dina smiled at him, "You should. Your sis has been through a lot lately."

"She'll freak out when she sees you, man." Jesse grinned, "Though, I'm not sure if she's gonna like the new style."

Dina elbowed him so hard he almost lost his breath.

"For real, man." Asian said as he calmed down with the jokes, "What happened to you? You look like you've been through hell."

"It's not like Seattle is a heaven, right?" he replied to which Jesse simply nodded, deprived of any other reply. Jesse got his hint, and didn't ask anything after that. More often than not, he noticed all three of them looking at his hair.

You are hideous, the voice in his head said. You're hideous, Bennie. That's why they look at you like that.

"Shut up." he murmured under his breath, noticing all three twitching at his sudden words.

Hideous, so hideous… like a monster!

"You said something?" Jesse asked him, worry visible on his face.

"I think I should go." he said and stood up. "You guys have fun."

Jesse grinned, "I hope you change your mind, man."

"About what?"

"About coming. Julia's gonna be there tonight."

"Julia Choi?" Dina asked with one eyebrow raised high. Her and Ellie gave Jesse a same surprised look. Ellie looked like she was going to throw an egg at him. The mood suddenly changed, much to Ben's relief. "What's she got to do with Ben?"

He shrugged, grin still glued to his face, "You two don't worry about it. Ben knows."

Is he talking about my fight with her ex? Probably. Julia's cute, though. Ben thought she was Jesse's sister at first. Only because she is Asian, you idiot. He just smiled at Jesse, donning the black coat. Jesse and Dina said their goodbyes with sincere smiles and said again how glad they were to see him. Dina seemed a little sad, again as if she knew something. Jesse, on the other hand, was smiling much more than Ben remembered. Did he change or was it because Ben came home? Probably the latter. Ellie escorted him to the front door and stood in the doorway as he turned to say goodbye to her. She leaned against the door handle with her arms crossed and looked at him thoughtfully, a smile flickering faintly on her lips.

"What?" he asked in surprise.

She shook her head. He still felt her desire to question him in detail about everything, but she resisted the urge. "I still can't believe it. That's all."

A genuine smile played on his lips, "Me too."

"So, you're leaving." wind blew harder when she said it, whistling in the night, carrying the snowflakes almost horizontally.

"Yeah." their eyes met once again. "Be seeing you, Ellie."

Her smile widened even more, and he turned to leave. Be seeing you. That last sentence had a special 'll see her again. He was back home, and for good.

The last light of the day was disappearing behind the mountains, and for a moment he wondered where they planned to go outside in this cold. He shook his head, distracting himself from those thoughts to focus on what mattered. His sister.

The snow was blowing harder as he approached his destination, a white two-story house with a small yard. Emily was always meticulous, making sure to clean even the slightest trace of dust. He was amused by the memory of how many times she had yelled at Tom and him when they would enter the house with muddy shoes, leaving traces all over the kitchen. God forbid they climbed upstairs with such shoes, then she would literally crucify them. The small yard was usually decorated with colorful flowers during the summer, but the wintry whiteness replaced it. Emily was incredibly stubborn and proud, near to the point of being self-centered, and she had quite a temper. Though, she was also extremely passionate and patient with some things. Therefore, each flower in the yard had to be in a parallel line along the path that led to the porch. Even the colors of the flowers she would plant had to be symmetrical on both sides of the path.

The flickering light shone through the windows, and from the angle of the shadows and the flickering, he knew that a strong fire was burning in the fireplace. A young girl with blond hair tied in a braid walked past the window, carrying a plate in her hands, and Ben's heart was beating faster. He took an easy step through the snow – which was shoveled to a pile by the path - carefully climbing three stairs to the porch. He stood in front of the door and sighed deeply, looking at the hand he didn't have a finger on and frowned, preparing for the lectures that followed. Should I knock? Maybe not.

He placed his hand — the whole one — on the lock and turned it gently, and the door opened. He felt the warmth coming from the hallway and stared at it for a few seconds before entering. The hallway stretched all the way to the other side of the house, with four doors, two on each side of the wall, and stairs leading to the second floor.

He heard two voices in the living room. One voice belonged to Emily, and the other belonged to William, who was probably her boyfriend. The two of them were very close before he left Seattle.

"Dinner was great." said Will on the other side of the wall. The living room door was open. During the winter, Emily always left the doors open, so that the fireplace would warm the rest of the house.

"Thanks."

At the sound of her voice, Ben shivered. He dug into the place and closed his eyes. This encounter was the most difficult for him.

"How are you? You look better today." William asked. Ben listened in the hallway all the time, too nervous to reveal his presence. Emily whispered something, but he didn't understand her.

"You know what? Tomorrow we'll make a snowman, and in the evening I'll prepare you a specialty. I'll talk with Maria to leave you out of patrol, so we have a whole day for us."

"I don't know. I feel better when I'm doing something. Then I don't have to think about him."

Ben frowned again. He felt as if someone was pressing his chest so hard that he was out of breath.

"If you think it's better that way, fine. I'm here for you, whenever you need me."

She muttered something again that he didn't understand. His heart was pounding harder, and he couldn't bring himself to step into the living room. Emily and William talked about something else, but he excluded their voices from his head. He focused on himself and on what and how to do next. Aware that he could only go in one direction, he took a deep breath and walked inside.

"I'm a good shot from afar. I can show you how to-" she stopped talking in the middle of the sentence when she saw him, startled and wide-eyed. It seemed to him that his presence today often interrupted people midway as the talked. Emily jumped to her feet and stepped away from him. William, taller and bulkier than him, positioned himself in front of her, covering her protectively. Ben was not surprised, he crept up on them like a wolf, without any trace or sound.

Will's face showed that he wanted to protect her, but he still looked scared. Scared of what? My looks or my presence?, the thought amused him. Or perhaps he was insecure, Ben couldn't tell. Will was always clumsy, and Ben thought he was a bit slow on some things, but not dumb by any means. He didn't understand what Emily saw in him. She stood behind him, seemingly unhappy that he had made her look helpless. She squinted in front of him when she saw that Ben was not going to do anything and stared straight at him.

"Who are you?" Will asked, dragging Emily behind him, but she tore her hand away, looking at him closely with her deep-sea blue eyes. He was fighting not to look away.

"Emily, stand behind me-"

"Is this you?"

Ben would have shifted nervously from foot to foot in the past, but not now. Even though he felt nervousness and sadness and happiness and fear and courage destroying him from within, all at the same time.

A tear slid down her cheek, "Is this really you?"

William looked at her frowning and confused, then looked at him. His eyebrows rose and his mouth widened as Ben nodded.

Another tear slid down her other cheek, and the next moment, Emily was crying loudly as she fell to her knees. She covered her face as William stood confused behind her, not knowing what to do first, to say something to him or to do something to calm her down.

In two steps, Ben found himself in front of Emily, on one knee. His sister cried uncontrollably, shedding the rivers of tears across her cheeks. Ben felt a burning sensation in his eyes, but that was all. He gently grabbed her chin and lifted her head, meeting her red swollen eyes.

"I missed you, Em."

She wrapped her arms around him convulsively and cried into his right shoulder, but he didn't try to calm her down. Let her cry it out. Emily, who was always strong and determined, though arrogant and stubborn as a mule. Emily, who cried like a little girl in his arms, and he couldn't blame her. Not after everything she went through, through the loss of her father and two brothers. He was guilty of the death of one, and the return of the other.

"How?" she asked him. Her voice was very hoarse. "How are you alive?"

He looked at her blankly. "We'll talk. You need some rest, you look awful." He smiled after the last one, and she cried again, but this time through laughter. She hugged him again, and he was afraid she would fall asleep on his shoulder.

"I don't want to rest." she.

Ben shook his head, "Go to sleep, Em."

"Do you want me to help you with her?" Will asked hesitantly, but Ben refused. Will watched them from the front door of Emily's room as Ben helped her get down to bed. She took his fingerless hand and looked at it. Her eyes were still swollen and she didn't say anything. She just looked at it.

"We'll talk tomorrow. Lie down now."

Although she hesitated, she nodded and obeyed him, and he walked outside after he turned off the light.

"Hey, man ..." Will said as they descended the stairs. He was stocky and strong, with thick, curly brown hair, and his eyes were deep, dark brown. Will had wide shoulders and strong arms gained from his hours working as a blacksmith. He was tall, half a head taller than Ben. Ben remembered his strength being great enough that he was once able, probably while running on adrenaline, to pull a dead horse off of his friend without any apparent strain on his part. "She can finally take a breather, huh?"

Ben nodded in response.

"Well, I'm just glad you're doing okay."

"Thanks." Doing okay?

William slammed his left into his right, nervous under Ben's sharp gaze. Finally he pointed to the door. "I think I should go. Well ... I'll see you tomorrow. I'll come see her. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

He followed William with his gaze until he walked out, then returned to the living room and stared at the fire crackling in the fireplace, a tad weaker than when he had just arrived. The heat of the fire made him feel sleepy, reminding him how he had traveled all day, on foot. On the way home from Seattle, he didn't stop anywhere except when he needed to sleep or eat, though he mostly ate on foot if that was possible. In Idaho, he again had difficulties with the infected, but they were not the only problem. Some former Wolves followed him from Seattle, and some even managed to catch up to him. They tried to kill him in various ways, even pretending they needed help to lure him in a trap. Not again. One night, a girl approached him while he was sitting by the fire and asked him if he had anything to eat. Of course, he saw her before she crept up on him and told her to get out of the bushes. She pretended to be hungry and helpless, but when she approached his fire, a voice in his head echoed again. Ben listened to the voice, lunged forward at her and swung his machete, taking her head off her shoulder. A few days later, they attacked him again, but he separated them and killed them one by one.

When he went to his room, an avalanche of emotions almost overwhelmed him. He stared at his bed he had often dreamed of as he searched for Ellie in Seattle. Benn looked at his desk and the bookshelf above him, which reminded him that he didn't write for a very long time. He didn't remember the last time he read a good book. Various posters were pasted on his walls, music bands, posters of movies and comic book characters.

Standing in his room again, he had a strange sense of belonging. He looked at everything as if it were some fascinating room he had entered for the first time. Looking through the window, he frowned, feeling the weight of his world. When he was alone, he didn't have to pretend. His war was not over.

Ben opened the window wide to let the cold in and laid his backpack on the floor next to the bed. He didn't change, he just took off his coat to lay down on the bed in a long-sleeved t-shirt and trousers, trying to position himself as uncomfortably as possible. Ben was shaking from the cold that had cooled all the warmth from the room. He did it often, not allowing himself to fall asleep soundly. Because when that happened, he was dreaming. And when he dreamed, he was in the room of black and white. And in the room of black and white was she, with her pliers popping him in the face to scare him, calling his name with a gaping smile on her face. She would glow from the whiteness that was so bright he couldn't look at her. He would dream of both Tom and his father. Ellie also, as the infected devoured her, and Annabel tortured her. Ben tortured her too, even though she pleaded for mercy or quick death.

He was lying on his side and staring at the wall, shivering from the cold. It was the only way to prevent nightmares that were worse from night to night. But still, when he fell asleep that night, the nightmares came anyway.

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