Chapter 29 – Top of the hill

Emily tried to reach to him that morning not just once, but several times. She made him breakfast, scrambled eggs with onions just the way he liked them. The taste reminded him of the days when they had just moved to Jackson. All three suffered greatly from losing their father, but Emily was always the strongest of the three siblings, and the one that kept them together. She acted as if it didn't touch her, and because of her, her two younger brothers overcame those difficult days.

She cracked smiles at him way too often, which was unusual sight, considering her serious usual demeanor. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, as if she still didn't believe he was there, in their house, alive and well. Occasionally they chatted about unimportant things, the days in Jackson, patrols, food, music and stuff. But they'd deviate from those topics every time. How did he survive? What happened to him in Seattle? Did they hurt him so much that didn't want to talk about it? He couldn't reassure her that he felt fine, that he was okay. After some time, he stopped listening to her entirely, but then she shocked him with a revelation.

"Santa Barbara?" he asked, his mouth gaping.

Emily returned a glance, confused when she noticed the shock on his face, and straightened up in her chair. "Ellie didn't tell you? You were with her."

He shook his head sharply, using a fork to play with the food on the plate he hadn't eaten yet. The two of them were in Santa Barbara? "Why did you go there?"

Abby and the refugees are supposed to be there, with the Fireflies. I hope they are. Why didn't Ellie tell me?

"One morning Ellie just showed up at my doorstep and asked me if I would go with her to look for you. She didn't believe you were dead, or at least she said so. We went to Seattle first. We couldn't find you, but we learned that WLF was destroyed prior to our arrival. Do you know what happened?"

"Some prisoners got free, which helped me escape."

How could he tell her that he was responsible for the deaths of so many people? Hundreds were killed that night when he freed those prisoners and let the infected inside. Hundreds of men, women and even children.

Emily sighed deeply before continuing, "When we couldn't find you, we went to Santa Barbara, but you weren't there either."

He was angry because Ellie kept it to herself. How could she keep quiet about something like this?

"Abby was there."

"Did she kill her?" one part of him told him that this was a very stupid question. If Ellie fought Abby and returned home, she killed her. He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't give up her revenge.

"No."

That short answer shocked him more than anything he had heard so far.

"She spared her life."

"Why?"

"She never told me. Ellie just… changed her mind, all of sudden. If you want to know, you'll have to ask her."

Why didn't she tell me last night? Anger built up in him more with each second, but suddenly, it disappeared like a poof of smoke. But she came back to Seattle to look for me. She came back for me. Does that mean… Wait, did she come back for me or for Abby?

"You okay?"

He frowned, snapping from the thoughts. "Yeah, just… nevermind."

There were two options. He could either bang his head against the wall trying to figure it out, or he could ask Ellie directly.

"Guess whose birthday is coming up." Emily said to lighten the mood and change a subject, taking a bite from her plate.

Staring at the plate, he continued to play with the food. "Whose?" Then he remembered. "Right, mine."

"Duh. Jeez, you've become forgetful. We should have a party."

"A party? I don't know, Emily."

Emily scoffed, "Why not? We have several reasons to celebrate. You're back home, and it's also your birthday. Is there a reason not to celebrate?"

"I don't-" he tried to stop her, but his sister was relentless.

"You should invite your friends, Ellie, Jesse and Dina. Dina can bring JJ. He's just too cute, isn't he?"

"Emily."

The next word did not come out of her mouth, which remained open. She looked at him, and it was as if she only then remembered to close it, frowning.

"I don't want a birthday party."

Emily's eyebrows arched upward, as if she were sad. Happiness and enthusiasm completely disappeared from her face. Her eyes looked upwards at his hair for a mere moment, then went back to his face. "Okay."

It annoyed him that everyone had that habit to look at his hair from time to time. It's white. It's weird. What can I do about it? End of story. Then he realized she was looking at him the same way as Ellie and Dina. Why did she look at him like that?

"Abby." Emily began after a while. "She… said something."

Sadness was clearly visible on her face. Maybe something more than sadness. Now it was too late to change the subject, to talk about something happier.

"She said you were tortured."

Ben looked away when she finally said it, and continued to play with the food on the plate, his mouth remaining zipped. He didn't know what to say to that.

"Is it true?"

"Yes."

She nodded sadly. It was clear that she was struggling with tears. "If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand."

He shook his head, as if she had said something completely irrelevant. "Don't worry. I haven't been through anything worse than the other prisoners. As you can see, I'm fine." He smiled at the end, hoping she would believe him.

"But your hair ..."

"It's just the stress, and it's not even that bad, trust me. And after all, it looks good, right?" he forced a grin in the end.

Emily smiled too, though with a little dose of uncertainty. "I guess." And then, her face suddenly lightened up, as when the gloomy clouds disappeared, replaced by sunlight. "Well, now that you're back home, I guess you might as well find something to do. You didn't think you'd be sitting in the house all day, did you?"

"I didn't mean that. I wanted to sit AND read books all day."

If she had a welder by her side, he was sure she would clap his hand, but Emily just laughed at his response. For a moment she looked like that old Emily who loved to order around and keep everything under her control. He almost laughed at that. Did he really miss that part of her? Her nature had annoyed him quite a bit in the past, but for now he was just happy to see her.

"So, you and Will." Ben mentioned with a grin. His sister blushed. "Tell me all about it."

x

Upon waking, Ellie burrowed herself into the warm, soft sheets. She rubbed the remainders of sleep from her eyes and gazed out at the ceiling, its simple whiteness across the hard surface. Recalling what happened last night, she wanted to get up and bang her head against the wall. Too much alcohol for one night. At least she didn't puke in front of everyone. I hope I didn't. Her eyes widen when she remembered the kiss.

"Oh no, Ellie…" she moaned and then screamed in her pillow. "I can't believe I kissed Cat!"

Dina spent most of her time talking to Jesse. Ellie could swear she heard them mention JJ at least a dozen times. Ellie was very drunk. And she was lonely. Cat obviously seized the opportunity which Ellie in her loneliness and inebriation couldn't resist. What she found strange was that she wasn't lonely because Dina spent most of her time with Jesse. Neither was she jealous. Well, at least, not much. The strange thing was that she kept thinking about Ben, and how she wanted to be with him. Days, weeks and months passed by in her thinking how they were supposed to have more time together. Now that they had the chance, she just wanted to hang out with him, to talk to him. And she wanted to know everything. Abby's words were engraved into her memory. He was captured. And tortured. To death.

Then she remembered the kiss again and wanted to cry. What if others saw us? What will Dina think? Oh my fucking god, why me? Her heart beat fast, and there was a buzzing in her brain. And so this day would pass as if she was hungover, both from drink and memories she wished she could erase. There was also a foul taste. How the smell of the wine last night was intoxicating, yet this morning it added to the nausea.

When she got to her feet, she realized she was still in light blue jeans and a dark t-shirt she hadn't even taken off when she got home late at night. But at least she remembered to take off her sneakers and thanked herself for not soiling the bed. In a few uneven steps, she found herself in the kitchen and poured herself a cup of water, and another one after that. The thirst stayed after each slow drink of water, and her head felt fit to crack open. From the pounding head, stale taste in her mouth and dehydrated feeling, she figured she must have been drinking really heavily last night. Ellie's throat felt like a sandpaper. It hurt to move. It was just like the flu, only self-inflicted, which meant she'd get no sympathy from anyone, especially Dina if she saw the kiss. Why should I be worried about that, anyway? It's not like we're together anymore. Ugh. For a moment, she wondered how Ben would react to the kiss. Ellie still remembered his reaction to her first kiss with Cat. He was so awkward he simply left in shock. She could never figure out why.

The head felt as if she banged it against the wall. Maybe she could sleep it off? She curled back under the sheets and closed her eyes. She wanted to be few a years younger, when she didn't get hangovers, mostly because she never drank as much whenever she went out with friends. Now, with each passing year, they got worse whenever she'd drink. This must be why so many older folks didn't get drunk anymore, they'd learnt the hard way. Well, not Maria at least. She's drowning herself in drinks.

"I gotta help her somehow." Ellie said, half of her face still buried in the pillow. Ever since losing Tommy, Maria resorted to finding comfort in drink. While she might've thought it helped her, it certainly reflected on the community which depended on her leadership.

Somehow, Ellie made herself get out of bed for the second time. The wing of the closet seemed twice as heavy when she pulled her hand to open it, her vision was still blurry. And so it will be all day, she concluded with a sigh. She ran her hand through the t-shirts that hung from the hangers in various colors. She often knew to stop by an old boutique to search the building looking for outfits, during patrols of her past. Once upon a time she didn't really care what she looked like, however, it turned out to be quite the opposite as she got older. She liked to take care of her appearance, hairstyle and outfit that she would wear. Once upon a time, Ben told her she had a nice smile (it was such an awkward situation that she almost choked on eating an apple back then), but she realized she had been brushing her teeth twice a day since that day.

She took off her t-shirt and stood in front of the mirror. Maria told her day by day how she had lost too much weight, and now she was aware of it herself. Her arms were thinner, even the tattoo on her right forearm had shrunk, though it was only noticeable if she stared at it for a while. I look awful, she concluded, but the bigger surprise was that she was looking at her reflection in the mirror. Ever since she returned from Seattle after the battle in the theater, she couldn't look at herself, ashamed by what she'd done in her craving for vengeance. What's different now?, she asked herself, but at the same moment she came to the answer. Acceptance.

It was one of the signs that she had really started to accept everything that had happened, so that she could live a normal life at long last. Proud of herself, she smiled at her reflection and went back to the closet to choose an outfit, the one which consisted of a white long-sleeved t-shirt and dark jeans. Without thinking, she knew that she would wear sneakers, which were not appropriate at all in all this snow, but her love for that kind of footwear had prevailed again. She put on a winter jacket, pulled on a cap that covered her ears. She didn't even dare look at the clock, dreading to see what's the time, aware that she completely wasted the morning which could've been productive otherwise. One peek in the fridge let her know that her dinner would be scarce, unless she managed to hunt something in the wild. And since she had no patrol duty today, she had just enough free time.

When Ellie walked outside, a smile lit up her face. The snow had finally stopped falling, which meant she wouldn't have to pick up that damn shovel today. In addition, another difference was noticeable. There were more people on the streets than usual. The kids ran outside in the game, throwing lumps of snow at each other and making snowmen. As she walked down the main street of the settlement, Ellie feared of a sudden snowball into her face, and for good reason. Jackson's kids were quite naughty and liked to provoke those older than themselves.

She was cold, even with her jacket, but it didn't matter. The cold helped. The day was illuminated with that special cold, pale light that blinded her, the light only winter's Sun could give. An occasional tree by the sidewalk stood starkly looking like x-rays of their summer selves, only in reverse; black on white. Ellie walked as if in a trance, dragging her foot after foot and cursing all the alcohol she drank. To make matters worse, Maria's house was at the other end of the settlement. Still, her spirits lifted up when she felt the overall atmosphere in the settlement. Kids playing, older folk were smiling more, some of them were even playing with the kids. The two boys built a wall against the snow and squatted behind it as they threw snowballs at the two boys across the street, who were also hiding behind the snowy shield. Ellie had to run through that part of the street to avoid the crossfire. It was a total contrast to the mood that reigned after she came back. People of Jackson were never gloomy, a main reason why Ellie found it surprising.

Maria was walking back to her house, which was where Ellie found her. Tommy's wife was moving with the agility of a woman half her age. Her face was a reflection of confidence blending with matriarchal qualities, which was no surprise to many. She was, after all, the leader of the community. Regardless of strength that Maria had displayed toward everyone, Ellie knew her fragile side better than most. The moment Maria spotted Ellie approaching her house, she gave the younger woman a strong, warm embrace and invited her to the house. Ellie whispered her thanks, grateful to be invited inside to sit down. The two of them were soon sitting by the fire in Maria's house, sipping water and eating sandwiches an older woman had prepared beforehand. Due to the nausea she was still feeling, Ellie could not eat the whole thing, but a couple of bites helped to satisfy her hunger. After putting down their plates, the two of them began to talk. Only then did Ellie notice the purple rings around the older woman's eyes.

"Our patrols report increase of the infected in the area." older woman explained, switching from water to some transparent liquid she poured herself from a bottle. She's drinking again, Ellie thought as she eyed the bottle. Maria offered to pour a glass to Ellie, who politely declined, still feeling the aftereffects of hungover.

"Another horde?" Ellie asked her, remembering the same exact thing around this time last year.

"Could be. Few days before you came back, they stormed the walls. They took us by surprise, main gate almost fell. Those fucking sentries, getting too careless…" Maria explained with a frown, rolling her eyes in the end.

"That explains the gloomy faces I've been seeing for the past few days." Ellie responded. People staying in the houses, going out only when necessary. They were afraid, shook from the last attack. What else did I miss?

"Then there's the dam." Maria said with a long sigh.

Oh my god, what else did I miss? "What about the dam? Electricity problems again?"

Maria shook her head and took a sip from her glass, licking her lower lip. "Bandits."

"They're back?" she asked, taking a sip from her own glass, the difference being that she drank water instead of alcohol. A few years ago, Jackson was waging a war, if it could be called that, with a certain group of survivors. The group didn't have a name, thus the settlers from Jackson dubbed them bandits, because they attacked their caravans, raided their camps and stole their supplies whenever they could. The dam turned out to be the most visited battlefield during that war, with small skirmishes breaking out every few months, sometimes every few weeks. The war was long and slow, both groups were about evenly matched in numbers. It wasn't until about two years ago, when Joel and Tommy made a final push against them and drove them out of Jackson completely, destroying their base in the process. It could be the same group, which would explain the attack on the dam.

"Perhaps. Could be a different group, I don't know." Maria continued.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Older woman shook her head. "You just came back, less than a week ago. You deserved some rest. D-don't worry, Ellie. It's nothing we can't handle."

"You should've told me." Ellie sighed. "The dam, Maria. What'd they do?"

"Last night, they sneaked in and raided the storage. No one was killed, thank god. Men stationed at the dam are expecting another raid. They're on guard."

No one was killed?, Ellie thought about it and nodded knowingly, "We should do something about it." She was sitting straight, and her voice was confident when she said, almost as if she wasn't hungover.

Maria shrugged in response, surprising Ellie who always remembered her as a strong, determined woman who always knew what to do and was willing to do what had to be done. It's not that she looked weak. She looked lost.

"It's not simple. We don't know their numbers. If we sent out a force after them, we'd be leaving Jackson vulnerable. We're not as strong as before." Maria explained, downing the contents of her glass.

We don't have Joel and Tommy anymore, Ellie knew what Maria meant but couldn't say. She was kind of right, though. Jackson was full of strong and capable men, but very, very few of them were capable to lead. Other than Maria, Miller brothers were the other two pillars of strength that kept Jackson safe. With them gone, everything depended on Maria, on her back alone.

"Then let's plan the clean-outs." Ellie continued, taking a sip of water to drench her dry throat. "We start with the infected, reduce their numbers. Then we can gather a willing group to patrol for bandits. I'm sure there's someone we can spare."

Maria looked at her thoughtfully as if trying to imagine the scenario in her head, nodding in the end. "Yeah, we can do that."

What shocked Ellie the most was that Maria didn't think of it already. Her eyes went down at the glass of alcohol in Maria's hand, and the way the older woman eagerly stared at it. Her drinking habit was worse than Ellie initially thought. The loss of her husband took a great toll on her, she knew that, but this... One part of Ellie wanted to hug her, but Ellie was never much of a hugger anyway.

"Hey." Ellie called out to Maria, distracting her from her glass. "Let me handle it. I already know the people I'm gonna ask for the clean-outs."

With a deep sigh, Maria nodded and downed the rest of the content in her glass, leaning backwards into the chair, closing her eyes. "I heard he came back."

Ellie looked at her as she said it. Blond strands of hair fell across her face. She looked like she was sleeping and talking in her sleep. "He did."

"How is he?"

This time, Ellie shrugged, remembering his white hair and Abby's words. "He seemed fine." Ben wasn't really a topic she could venture deep into with Maria.

"And you?" Maria was now looking at her. Ellie didn't notice it, lost in her thoughts. Smiling weakly, Ellie played with her fingers. "I'm fine, too."

"You sure you don't want some of this stuff?" Maria asked pointing at the bottle on the middle of the table. Ellie shook her head, remembering last night too well. "I'll pass."

"Then I'll have some."

Ellie grabbed Maria's wrist when she reached for the bottle again. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Right now?" Maria asked, dumbfounded. "Not nearly." Then she brushed younger woman's hand aside like an annoying fly and reached for the bottle again.

"How many have you had already?" she asked, annoyed. Maria's been drinking heavily for months. Ellie had already witnessed some of the after-effects, most prominent being the lack of leadership. And with the emergence of those bandits and the infected, Jackson needed their leader more than ever.

"Just a little." Maria replied, grinning as if it was some kind of joke.

"Define a little."

"I don't fucking need you to watch over me or lecture me for my drinking habits, Ellie! You don't have to have any if you don't want it, but don't get in my way." Maria snatched the bottle and leaned backwards into her chair, pouring herself yet another glass.

Ellie sank back into her chair, frowning. "You've been drinking like this since he died?"

"Yeah." Maria tilted her head back and seemed to gulp down a quarter of the bottle in one take. Since when did Maria of all people become able to drink like a fish? "Ever since that asshole died."

Ellie felt as if her heart stopped, and all memories she wanted to forget kept coming back like an avalanche from the top of the mountain. She knew words wouldn't work with her. There was only one cure which may or may not work. Time.

After a long moment of silence, during which Maria almost finished downing the rest of the bottle, the older woman finally asked, changing the subject. "So, what do you plan to do now?"

What do I plan to do?, Ellie thought, horrified. Isn't that your responsibility? Ugh… "I'll gather some people, like I said. We'll get to the bottom of this bandit situation, reduce the numbers of infected." If it's a horde again…

Maria nodded with a smirk, waving her bottle, mimicking approval. "Sure." She got drunk again, but perhaps she was drunk all along. "You can t-take whatever h-horses and people you n-need t-t-to track the fuckers-" With that, Maria slumped over in her chair, unconscious.

Ellie gently hefted the woman and half-dragged, half-carried her to her room and deposited her in the bed once shared with Tommy to sleep it off. The woman was going to have one hell of a hangover, but there wasn't much Ellie could do about that now. If anything, she wished she could sleep it off as well, but she had other responsibilities.

First she went back home, to grab some gear Joel's revolver and a hunting rifle with a handful of rounds, but not too much. On her way to the stables, Ellie tried to figure out where to hunt. From her last couple of hunting trips, she had learned that the area between the settlement and the dam has become quite scarce with the animals. Even rabbits were hard to track down. Deers were a true score.

As she walked to the stables, she brainstormed about who should be in the group she was going to gather. Jesse and Emily came to mind first. There was also Cat, who wasn't really a best scout, but given the lack of manpower, she could be put to use. The very thought of her made her stomach turn over, remembering the kiss. You idiot, she thought angrily as the stables appeared in front of her, built right at the front gate. What about Ben? She was unsure. Perhaps he wants to spend some time home, he needs some time for himself. Thinking about him just led her head into clouds. She shook the thoughts away and decided not to think about anything other than the hunt. I need to eat something. Nothing else matters right now. Not even Ben, or Cat… or kiss or whatever.

"Hello, Ellie." she was greeted by a man sitting in a chair in front of the gate. His task was to record everyone who would take the horse, the time when the horse was taken and the time when the horse was returned. A rather tedious task, Ellie was glad she didn't have to do it. If she sat in a chair all day, she would go crazy.

"Hi." Ellie said as she walked past him, his hand already scribbling something in the notebook. Ellie didn't have to look to know he wrote her name down and the time she arrived. The stables looked like a large shed made of weathered oak planks with sloping corrugated iron roof that made even the average rainstorm sound like a hail of bullets, damp smell of ammonia, deep golden hue of an old hay. Almost empty black plastic buckets were tossed away in the corner, stable. The large double-winged door was wide open on both sides of the stables, and everyone could enter and leave freely. Couple of stable boys were tending to two dozen horses, making sure to brush them and check if the horseshoes needed to be replaced. Wind whipped around the stable and reached through the gaps in the planks like icy fingers. But it wasn't too cold.

Ellie found Scout at the end of the building. Her horse was not above medium size, but he was alert, slender-limbed, muscled with watch springs, grey as a cloudy sky. Scout was a beauty, glossy as silk, and naked as the day when he was born, except for a bridle and a ranger saddle. Maria gifted it to her when she came back. She needed a new one after she lost Shimmer in Seattle, she said. On the horse's thigh was a J mark, which marked it as a horse from the settlement. Every horse had the same mark.

Ellie almost jumped when a large figure rose from behind her horse. She didn't spot William kneeling behind it. "Shit, you scared me."

"Sorry." Tall, muscular young man said with a soft smile. His brown hair was curly and thick, and he had deep eyes. Ellie always remembered him as a kind and shy guy, who didn't talk much, and he seemed a bit slow, but she could be wrong. Stop being rude, Ellie.

"What are you doing here?" Ellie asked him, remembering he was the settlement's blacksmith. "Is Scout okay?"

Will smiled and nodded his head. "No worries, Ellie. I was just checking his horseshoes. Need to change them."

"Can it wait till tomorrow?"

He nodded again, "Sure. He could handle a ride or two more. You heading out somewhere?"

Ellie stroked the bridle of her mount, and glanced at Will, who was towering above her from the other side of the horse. "Yep."

"Ben's out too."

Her hand stopped moving, and Scout waved his head in protest, asking her to continue in his own language only she - as his owner – was able to understand. "Out?"

"Out like he rode out." He said and grinned, and Ellie realized she had just made a fool of herself. "He carried a bow with him, probably to hunt something."

I guess he isn't that as homesick as I thought, she concluded. I'll see if he wants to be a part of my group.All in all, it was bound to be a tough job. First, she had to gather the people and clear the infected, or at least reduce their numbers. After that, she'd have to go all the way to the dam to see what she can learn about the bandits, what did they look like, how many of them were there and such. Perhaps she could split the group in two and do both at the same time... All in due time. Focus on the hunt, she thought irritably and pulled the reins of the Scout, deciding to finally focus on the more pressing matter, ensuring her own survival by securing a dinner. William followed her to the main gate, chatting along the way about unimportant things. In those few steps to the gate, Emily was mentioned at least three times. He's really in love with her, Ellie concluded with a smile, glad for her friend. She deserved a good guy, and Will certainly seemed as one. He waved at her and wished her good luck as she rode through the main gate, to the outside world.

Scout made the easiest steps even on the rough, hilly terrain of the settlement outskirts. The northern forest, where Ellie was headed, had the most slope in the terrain. After some careful thinking, she decided to test her luck there, even though the forest surrounding the settlement was often tricky to be traversed through with the horses. I hope I can find something to hunt here. I'm starving, I should be quick about it. If it was any other season, the sky would completely vanish in the forest, hidden by leaves. But naked canopies revealed the fragments of grey that span above, seemingly endlessly. The snow was mostly untouched in this particular part of the forest, much to Ellie's annoyance. She couldn't even find the rabbit tracks. To catch a deer or something bigger was out of the question.

The Scout would grunt nervously when Ellie forced him up the heavy hill, shaking his head in the process. But other than that, he didn't complain as much and was relatively quiet, for which Ellie was grateful. Silence suited her, for it was necessary for her to catch her prey. Her lips painted a wide grin when she finally noticed the small tracks in the snow. Rabbit, no doubt. They seemed relatively fresh as well, as much as they could be in the snow.

"Wait here, bud." Ellie whispered to her mount, tying its rains onto the nearby branch, thick enough not to break easily. "I'll be back soon."

She chose the location with caution, for she wouldn't want anyone approaching the Scout. And with the increasing numbers of the infected in the area, it was certainly a greater possibility. Thus she chose a part of the forest that was harder to reach, with a heavy slope she barely managed to climb, leading Scout by his reins. Her companion should be fine, and she'd hunt on foot with more ease.

Each step she made left a fresh, crisp footprint in the snow. With a rifle in her hands, her legs bent, she followed the tracks trying to make as less sound as humanly possible. Joel taught her well, everything about tracking and hunting an animal. Well, Joel and Tommy both. I won't let you down, she thought as she followed the tracks. The rabbit moved deeper into the forest, higher uphill. Soon, her legs began to ache because of the climb, but she didn't let it bother her. Focus on the hunt, Ellie. Focus on dinner. While tracking the animal, she tried to think of the ways she could make dinner. When she last checked in the fridge, she had several ingredients that allowed her to prepare the meat in a couple of different ways.

The tracks abruptly ended at a tree stump. The old tree was probably struck by the thunder, its remains had already rotted down, what was leftover was buried in snow. The stump still remained, solid and thick in the ground.

"Fuck!" Ellie cursed when she noticed a splatter of blood at the stump. Dry blood had painted the snow dark red, marking the location where the rabbit was killed. She kicked the stump and heard her stomach complain. "Shut up." she addressed it, annoyed by the fact that someone else depraved her of dinner. She looked around and noticed something. This part of the forest was very familiar to her. That tree stump, and everything else around it. She stood with Tom just a few paces away from the stump, she remembered. They were playing with a rabbit. It was such a fond memory. Ben was sitting with her on the stump, offering her his earbud to listen to music. That was the day we met for the first time.

Behind the stump, there were tracks. Human tracks. Before she even realized, she was hiking deeper into the forest, uphill, following the tracks. The climb was harder and more exhausting as she climbed higher. She almost tripped in the snow when she saw a horse, tied to a tree. It was a dun stallion, its body sandy brown, contrasting to its black mane, tail and legs.

"Woah, what are you doing here?" she asked the horse, but it made no sound, staring at her blankly with its dark eyes. She leaned to the side, noticing a J mark on its thigh. "Guess you're Ben's horse. He up here somewhere?"

The stallion didn't make a single sound nor a movement. It simply stared at her. "Okay, see ya." she waved her hand at the animal and proceeded back on her path. Did you steal my food, Ben?, she wondered as she climbed, now having to dig through the snow for roots that helped her up. To find him, she had to follow the tracks, and then she made it to a part of the forest that resembled a simple path that led all the way to the top, where she spotted a lone tree, higher than others, prominent and beautiful. We raced here. Each next step was harder, and Ellie was gasping heavily, tired from the hike. She gripped the tree bark, grasping the wood to move forward easily, towards the lone tree at the top. Human tracks reached all the way to it. This place...

Ellie heard laughter, which laughter died out a second later. She stopped, as if frozen.

"I have to be careful. No mistakes."

What the..? The snow made a crispy sound when she made a another step towards the top.

"What are you looking at?"

Ellie stopped again, as if the voice was accusing her. She looked over her shoulders left and right, but there was no one around.

The person at the top laughed again, but just for two seconds. Then laughter died out again. "No mistakes."

When she made another step forward, a figure jumped out behind the tree at the top, and Ellie had just a mere moment to spot the arrow that was fired at her, and the wide eyed stare of the person that shot to kill. Grunting, she jumped in the snow, covering her head. Anger boiled in her, and she jumped back on her feet with a revolver in her hand, pointing the weapon at the person that attempted to kill her. There stood he, at the top of the hill, clutching a bow in his right. White hair moved in rhythm with the wind, wind that also played with his grey poncho in the same manner. Two white stripes stretched along the edge of cloth.

"Ellie?" he said her name, frowning. "What are you doing here?"

She looked behind, at the place where the arrow hit the tree. If she hadn't jumped in time… "What the fuck, Ben? You could've killed me!"

His eyebrows furrowed at something she couldn't see. "Sorry, I… I thought you were someone else."

Someone else? You fucker!, Ellie felt the urge to come up there and smack him in the head with her pistol. She wanted to punch him so hard to knock him off the hill. When she found herself standing just one step below him, she noticed the look in his eyes, a stint of regret.

"What was that?" she asked him.

"What was what?"

"The things you said. Who were you talking to?"

He looked away, as if ashamed and scratched the back of his head. "No one."

No one? Were you talking to yourself?

She sighed and put the revolver back into its sheath. "Forget it. What are you doing here all alone, anyway?"

Ben turned his back to her and walked back to the tree, leaning against it, basking himself in the view. From the spot, she could see the area spanning miles away. And the beautiful white scenery below. It had a whole different vibe to it in the winter.

"I wanted to be alone."

Ellie stood next to him, their heads turned in the same direction, at the horizon that span in front of them. You wanted to be alone, she repeated his sentence in her head.

"I saw your horse below." she said just for the sake of saying something, to end the prolonged silence that was becoming pretty irritating.

"I named him Stepper due to his quick feet." his voice was low and emotionless. "What are you doing here, Ellie?"

Below his feet, she noticed a rabbit carcass. "I wanted to hunt something for dinner. I guess you beat me to it. The rabbit I was tracking down, I mean."

"You can have it if you want."

Ellie raised an eyebrow, "But what about you?"

"Ah, no worries. Emily probably has something at home."

She rolled her eyes, it was as if she was accepting a charity. And she did not want to accept the charity. They became silent again. It would usually be awkward in situations like this, but Ellie didn't feel the awkwardness. Instead, it was something… different. She couldn't read his face or tell his mood. It just felt different. He felt different. Ben made a step forward, closer towards to the edge. It was rather a nasty fall, high enough to break human neck if one landed the wrong way. "Do you remember how we found this place?"

Ellie leaned against the tree, biggest one in the whole forest, a gentle smile graced her lips. She touched the tree, tracing old drawings the two of them did on that tree what seemed so very long ago. This place alone held a special meaning to both of them. It is here where they spent some of their best moments together. "I do."

Ben turned over his shoulder and looked at her, "We raced to the top. Tom, you and me."

"I won." she said, cracking a smile, looking right into his eyes, feeling the distance. What happened to you, she couldn't help but wonder once again. Everything else became irrelevant. What did they do to you? Why do you feel so different? Why can't I talk to you like I used to?

"Yeah, you did." he replied, the look in his eyes perhaps sad, but he still smiled. "I tripped and fell."

"You were so clumsy."

He nodded, still smiling. "Ellie, why did you go back to Seattle?"

Ellie twitched as if someone had pinched her. Of course, Emily told him. She should've expected it. Now he probably thinks I kept the secret from him.

"I wanted to tell you yesterday, but Jesse and Dina came and… you know."

"Why?"

"For you, dumbass. Why else?" she stated something that was so obvious. What a dumbass.

"For me." he repeated her words, his voice quiet, making a weird face. Is he blushing? Nah, it must be the cold.

"I saw what happened there. The Washington Liberation Front. Some survivors told me that they were destroyed from a within. The prisoners got free and-"

"Yeah." he interrupted her, looking at the distance. "I managed to escape in the uproar."

She nodded, wanting to ask him a thousand different questions. Not now, she thought, thinking it would be like rubbing a salt to a fresh wound. Not now.

"Why didn't you kill Abby in Santa Barbara?"

If she felt pinched by the previous question, Ellie now felt as if someone punched her in the stomach. No, she felt like she was struck by a truck going at full speed.

"I don't know, really. I guess I… didn't want to lose myself." she even surprised herself how quickly she came up with an answer, and a genuine one at that. Ben didn't say anything to that, he just glanced at her as though he was trying to comprehend her response. He frowned again at something in the distance. Ellie turned her head to see what he was looking at, but there was nothing there, which sent shivers down her spine.

"I see." he whispered, Ellie noticing a sort of acceptance on his face, his eyes getting lost in the horizon once again. "I'm glad you didn't do it."

In some other circumstances, Ellie would've asked why, but perhaps she knew the answer to her question. When they were in Seattle, he tried to talk her out of it. She didn't listen to him then, but his words were probably what made her make that decision. If she killed her, would she be able to look him in the eye? Her, who killed countless men and women for her revenge. Some of them were innocent. If she killed Abby, would Ben look at her the same way?

"It's getting cold here." Ellie said, rubbing her arms. "Wanna go down?"

"Later."

She nodded at him, even though he couldn't see. "Um, before I go, I wanted to ask you something. There are more infected in the area. I need some people to help reduce the numbers. That and, um, there's trouble with bandits. I told Maria I'd help." Perhaps it was too soon? Perhaps she was wrong to ask him. He probably wants to be at home, and alone. I don't blame him. I felt the same when I returned from Seattle.

"Okay. I'll help you."

Ellie raised her eyebrows, "You will? Well, great. You are one of our best trackers. That's, um, awesome. Yeah…"

She blushed. Why am I blushing?, she thought, annoyed, playing with her fingers. She was probably sounding awkward as hell. You're the one who's supposed to be awkward, Ben. Not me.

"So, I'll round some people to explain everything. See you back at home?"

His back turned to her, hands shoved in the pockets, Ben nodded his head without looking away from the horizon. That was his whole response. Ellie's eyebrows furrowed in a sad manner, and she bit her lip. He felt different and she knew why. Ben was distant, even though he was basically within the reach of her hand. He was distant, alone in his distance. Closed. There was no way to reach him. But what if...?, her hand rose slowly, towards him as though she was going to grab his shoulder and turn him around. A moment before she touched him, her hand fell limp.

"See ya." her voice was almost inaudible when she said, thinking he probably didn't hear her. Ellie sighed in relief when she found Scout where she left him. Her trusty mount was waiting for her patiently, sighing when she stroked his ears. Ellie hung the rabbit Ben caught to the saddle and climbed on it, pulling the reins and heading home.

x

Ben remained on the windy peak long after Ellie left. Eventually, he sat down and leaned against the lone tree on the top, hugging his knees as his eyes stared at the whiteness that span in all directions.

"I have to be careful." he repeated once again, noticing a movement to his right, somewhere below him. In the past, he'd look that way, but he learned his lesson a while ago. The figure that was stalking him would disappear the moment he looked at it. The child was always there, watching him. He could never see it clearly, but he knew it was there.

You almost killed her.

He felt the sting of guilt once again. "I was just overcautious. I'm not crazy."

Not yet.

Ben shook his head angrily to drive the voice out, but the guilt remained. I am so stupid. What was I thinking? If he had done something to hurt her... he could never forgive himself. All things he had done, all sins he had committed, they weighed down on his soul already. You stupid idiot. His head dropped, and he could touch his chest with his chin. She went into his head again, just like so many times before. All the time, she was eyeing him in the strange way. He couldn't help but wonder why. Ellie's acting weird She was even awkward. Now, that's even more weird. Ellie is never awkward. It's usually my job.

Before Ellie left, she asked him for help. The infected and the bandits. Connor and his lackeys?, he thought, humming some sad melody he heard a long time ago. Could be. He doubted they gave up on their hunt, the one that started in Seattle ever since the main base of the WLF was destroyed. Ever since he destroyed it. But there were other, smaller bases, yet intact… They were still the hunters, and he was their prey. "No mistakes. I have to kill them."

Are you scared, Bennie? It was Annabel's voice. Sometimes, it would be as if all those voices were one, one that wasn't either male or female but something in-between. But then, there were the instances when those would be the voices of the people he knew. Voices belonging to his father, Tom, Joel and even Nora. Annabel too. All of them had one thing in common. They were all dead.

"No."

Are you scared of making a mistake?

"I won't make mistake." he reassured himself, clenching his hand into a fist as though he was going to something. Or someone.

What if they hurt people you love?

"They won't."

But what if they do? The voice was persistent. Annabel's voice.

"They won't, because I'll hurt them first."

He felt the eyes on him from the distance, and knew the child was there somewhere. The humming resumed, in rhythm with the cold northern wind that whistled between the trees as the invisible sun slowly sunk behind the mountains.

x