A/N: For those that hadn't seen the announcement, check out the ending of Chapter 39. It's been changed to better fit the narrative I have planned for the story. In this chapter, we see Ben coming to terms with everything that happened to him in Seattle. A realization of a sort, if you will. Also, Book 2 is coming to an end very soon. I can't tell you the exact number of chapters, but it won't take many. If anything, I'll tease that the ending will be happier than in Book 1, and I'd also use this opportunity to tease Book 3, whose storyline is still a work in progress. Book 3 will be used to solidify certain relationships and circle the story, giving each character a fitting closure. You'll get more details when I publish the epilogue to Book 2.

Till then, enjoy!


Chapter 40 – The wheel turns

He could only see Connor. I couldn't stand it, the way he looked like death itself. I was scared, so scared. Not for Connor, or myself. But for him if he did this if he carved out a piece of his heart and ate it no, I couldn't allow it. I shot him in the headI shot Connor in the head and spared Ben of the burden he'd carry for the rest of his life if he did what he wanted to do.

Ben is not a monster.

He's just hurt. I was hurt too. Abby took everything from me and I'm still hurt. I still hate her and I will hate her forever for taking Joel from me. I know the feeling of emptiness when you don't get your revenge. It's the worst. I didn't know where I was, or what I wanted to do, or how I was supposed to feel

I bet he feels that too. It's a scary feeling.

We came back to Jackson in the late afternoon, just in time as others were finishing up with stacking the corpses of the infected onto two large piles to burn them. The next day, there was a funeral for those that died protecting Jackson and their loved ones. It was sad to see so many familiar faces crying for their loved ones. Ben was also present, standing by Emily like a wolf on the hunt for prey, which in this case was anyone who might harm his sister.

It got worse after the funeral. Many were infected. Some killed themselves. Others ran away. And here I am, feeling like shit again. Why am I special? Why do I get a free get-away card with my immunity? What about others? Sometimes I still think it would've been better if Joel just left me with the Firefelies.

I'm thinking of writing a new song, but I have to practice more if I want to learn the chords properly again. Jesse is feeling better. I saw him today. He was laughing, and it was so cute to see little JJ with him. Potato looks just like him. Dina was there too, though she was a bit distant. I don't know why. I hope she's okay.

Things are getting better in town after. The walls are being repaired, people are back at work. Everyone's working hard. John mentioned me something about making new patrol routes, and Maria said she wanted to talk to me about something. She mentioned a promotion, but surely she's joking. I mean, a fucking promotion? Yeah, right.

Yep, it was a promotion. I am now at the head of the patrolmen in Jackson. Holy shit… I guess I have to make new routes.

I haven't talked to him since the funeral, and I'm getting worried.


Seven days later, the mood was still grim in Jackson. It hadn't snowed for a while now, but the skies promised that winter in the true meaning of the word was just starting, and the air was cooler than it used to be. The snow always falls early in Jackson, long before the winter months. The people had returned to their regular activities: patrolling, tending to crops in greenhouses, hunting whatever was left over after the horde, repairing what needed repairing, and adding more intense training to the schedule. Everyone old enough to hold a weapon would train regularly with it, be it ranged or close combat. And Ellie got promoted. For her efforts, Maria put her in charge of the patrolmen and patrolwomen. She'd not only go on patrols but also organize schedules and pairings. She wasn't too excited about the job since it included paperwork that she hated and less time for herself. Of course, there were also those that complained about the pairings, lovebirds that wanted to go patrol and slack together (same as she did before), then those who didn't want to patrol with certain someones, thus it required a conflict to be resolved and so on and so off. And to think that she only wanted to practice with the guitar and paint something once the threat of the horde and the Wolves had passed. But, it was just like in that comic book… "With great power comes great responsibility." Ellie also discovered the newfound respect she enjoyed from others. Much more frequently than before, people greeted her on the street, asked her how she was, smiled more and were generally nicer. Not only that, they also began asking her for advice or for permission to do certain things. It was nothing big, but she still found it quite surprising and stupid. Why would anyone ask her for permission to do anything?

As she walked into Maria's house to discuss a matter related to the settlement, she found Solomon and Lea inside, drinking tea with Maria, both in their full colorful attire of the Traveling Folk. Lea turned around when she saw her, a bright smile adorning her face.

"Ellie," she said, grinning as she stood up to greet her, spreading her arms to embrace her. "It's so good to see you."

Ellie returned the hug and grinned awkwardly, not sure what to say to sound appropriate. In the end, she concluded that "Good to see you too." sounded appropriate enough. Her husband and leader of Gypsies, Solomon, nodded at Ellie, a gap in his beard revealing a slight smile. Even though he looked old, he looked as strong as ever, his posture straight and still. He must've been a soldier before all of this. He was surely old enough to know the world before the Cordyceps.

"We just came to see how everyone is doing and to say goodbye," Lea said after she and Ellie sat down, refusing the tea Maria offered to her. She wanted to keep this quick. "And of course, to ask if we're still welcome here for the spring festivities."

Ellie gave Maria a curious look, wanting to hear what the leader of Jackson had to say. Maria twitched as if pierced by Ellie's gaze, but regained her composure quickly enough, "We'd be happy to welcome them back. Jackson and the Traveling Folk were never enemies."

"I'm glad the confusion is gone." Solomon said and smiled behind his white beard, "We are happy to come back in spring, just like in the years past. It has been a hard year for everyone, and both our peoples need to recover from the struggles we endured. Now, I have to admit something to the two of you. I didn't believe Lea at first, but she was right. This is quite a nice settlement. Good location, tall walls, pretty streets."

"And good people." Lea made sure to emphasize.

"We try our best, really." Maria replied, grinning. For the first time, Ellie could actually see the good in Gypsies. All of them were good people. It was not easy to be one of the Traveling Folk, a pacifist group in this world. Though it might seem sketchy to some, Ellie learned that it wasn't a façade, but that they were genuinely good-hearted people. And she was happy to know them, happy to know that there were still good people around. And Solomon and Lea — they both seemed like the kind of grandparents that everyone wishes they had.

Maria took a sip of her tea. "So, where are you headed next?"

"We are thinking of going south, through the plains for a while, to see what's going on there. Those lands are calmer, but as you know us, we don't stay in one place for too long." Solomon explained, drinking his own tea, "We won't stray away too far either; we still have to come back in spring."

"Sorry to interrupt, but um, what about the Wolves?" Ellie asked, out of the blue. What happened to them?"

"They left." Solomon answered, putting his tea back on the table. "We are peaceful folk. We do not hold grudges, God knows there are too many in this wicked world. As far as I know, they headed east. And fast. I don't think we'll be seeing any of them anymore. Poor bastards, they suffered a heavy blow."

"Good riddance, I say." Lea frowned, "Those people were tyrants. I will pray for those that died, but they were not good people."

"Many were misguided, dear." Solomon tried to explain it to his wife, but she refused to listen, which was quite comical in itself. Ellie and Maria exchanged amused looks, smirking when the other two weren't looking. "That young man, Connor, was the main reason they seemed worse than they were."

"Stop looking for the good in everyone, dear." Lea was persistent, but Ellie agreed with her this time. "Not everyone is of a good nature."

"What about that boy, with white hair? Ben Walker, was it?" Solomon suddenly asked, turning his gaze to Ellie. "He got what he wanted that night, when the two of you rode out after those that ran away?"

Lea shifted nervously in her seat. Ellie was hoping they wouldn't mention him. She still didn't see him, and it has been seven days. She was starting to get worried. After what happened, she decided to give him some space, to let him clear his head and thoughts. After she shot Connor, he didn't seem angry or disappointed, just tired and empty.

"He did. We found Connor. He got what was coming to him."

Solomon nodded, but Ellie could see a hint of disapproval in his eyes. Of course, Gypsies were pacifists after all. They were avoiding violence until the moment it could no longer be avoided. Ellie didn't blame them; it was their belief. But she understood that sometimes you couldn't let certain things unfold on their own. Like Connor, for example. If they didn't kill him that night, he'd just come back later and perhaps do even more damage or kill even more people. Sometimes you had to prevent those things, and Gypsies didn't seem to understand that, at least in this particular setting.

"That boy is hurting." Lea said, sadly. "His soul is bleeding, I could see it in his eyes even before I mentioned his sister's capture. What was he like before, if you don't mind me asking?"

"He was kind, he laughed a lot, and he was very loyal." Ellie said, smiling, as all eyes turned to her. "Ben was the best person and best friend someone could ask for. You would've loved him, because he was pretty much like you guys in many ways."

"Was he?" Solomon raised his eyebrow suspiciously.

Lea looked away sadly with a sigh, holding her cup of tea but not taking a single sip. "Let's hope that person isn't gone."

He's not a monster, Ellie thought angrily. You don't know him like I do, she wanted to say, but kept her mouth stretched out a hand and embraced his wife, stroking her back. "If you don't mind, dear, I'd like to change the subject. Grim days are over, and we should look forward to the brighter future."

And so the casual conversation continued, with Ellie paying only half attention to it all. Lea certainly looked happier than Ellie had ever seen her, and why wouldn't she be? She was back with her family and her people, and in the end, things turned out great for her. Once Solomon and Lea left after bidding farewell, Ellie was left alone with Maria to ask the question she came to ask.

"Big Paul." Ellie started, wanting to get it over as soon as she could. "What about him and his men?"

Maria's hands instinctively reached for a small glass bottle on the table, but they stopped halfway. "I'm not sure. I received disturbing reports. They nailed people to the trees."

"They did, but they also helped us. I doubt Big Paul will be very happy if we refuse them."

Maria nodded, furrowing her eyebrows. "That's true. We don't want them here, but we also don't want to anger them. You got any ideas?"

Ellie shrugged, brainstorming and hoping something would come to her mind. "The dam? We can let them manage the dam, they'll be a whole day away from us. We won't be in touch with them that much except for those two or three supply deliveries a week. If something goes to shit there, they'll let us know. Might be a fine idea. What do you say?"

Maria smiled, "A fine idea? That's a damn fine idea, Ellie. And our people that work at the dam will be much happier to be back here, at their homes with their families. Not to mention that Big Paul and his crazy bags will defend the dam more ferociously than we ever did."

"Sounds like we have a plan, then. I think Big Paul will like it. They will have their space, we will have our own and we'll still help each other." Ellie grinned as Maria raised her hand to high-five her. But Maria's grin faded away soon, her expression replaced with one of worry, and the silence settled in.

"Ellie," she said after a while, giving Ellie a serious look. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"That Ben told them to execute twenty prisoners."

For a second there, Ellie felt frozen stiff, taken aback by the sudden question. "Yeah, but he called it off. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I do." The older woman replied, leaning backwards into her chair with a deep sigh, crossing her fingers. "It's just that... I don't know, Ellie. That big fella and his crazy bags listen to what Ben says, right? They do what he orders them to do?"

"Yeah, he saved them from the WLF in Seattle. I guess that's why."

Maria smirked, "Strange. The big fella, what's his name… Huge Paul?"

"Big Paul."

"Big Paul, yes. He seems more stable than the others, even though he doesn't look the part. You think Ben will be able to control them?"

Ellie shrugged, "I guess. I'll have to talk to him about it."

"Okay, let me know when you do. And as soon as possible. Remember, you're one of the big guys in town, Ellie. You have responsibilities."

"Got it."

"And Ellie, don't worry about it." She said this as she leaned forward to her, grabbing her hand. "I'm sorry if I'm being pushy, but he'll be fine. Oh, don't give me that look, I can see you're worried about."

"I'm not worried." She lied. It was always painful to think about him, because whenever she did, those things came to her head. The things he suffered, the scars on his body, and the things others mentioned. "It's Ben. I know he'll be fine."

"It was pretty cute, you know." Maria smirked, revealing a sly look in her eyes. "The way you talked about him."

Ellie raised an eyebrow, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I thought you liked girls." she said, "Just girls."

Ellie felt like she wanted to burst through the wall, "Um, what? I like girls and… what the hell, that's Ben! He's...I could never, um…" She could never do what? Feel something for a boy? Or feel something for Ben in particular? She knew how it looked like. The two of them had history, and Ben was very pretty, and... "Ugh, you're the worst."

Maria burst out laughing, clutching her stomach, "Oh my god, Ellie. The look on your face is priceless. But seriously, it's cute."

"Get outta here. He's just a friend, and a friend I want to help. Ever heard of friends helping friends?"

Maria nodded sarcastically, "Oh, yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, kid."

"Argh!" she growled at the older woman and walked out, listening to Maria's laugh echoing through the hallway until she finally left it behind herself as she shut the front door. Leaning her back against the door, she let out a deep sigh, exhaling loudly and watching the air steaming in front of her face in the cold. Maria and her stupid jokes, she thought, still annoyed by the fact that she mocked her like that. But it was nice in a way. Not mocking, but watching her laugh. Ellie couldn't remember the last time she saw Maria laugh like that. Not to mention that she seemed to be drinking less since the battle. She just hoped that Maria would drop the habit completely. It was ruining her. But still, how dare she…?! It's Ben, my best friend! I meanWell, she had to admit it to herself. She loved spending time with him ever since they first met. And she knew how she always felt like crap when they couldn't hang out or when they had to postpone it for later. Or whenever she was down or not in a mood, he could crack one of his stupid jokes that only she laughed at or simply say something nonsensical like he used to, and that was enough to lift her spirits. She always found herself wanting to sit next to him, or share a walkman and listen to a song, or watch a movie with him. Sometimes, she went over to his place to lend him a book or two she considered good just so she could see him. How come she never thought about any of that? And history, of course… They had history. True, that might seem like something, but still… It was only because he was her dearest friend. Yes, that's what he was. He was just a friend to her. Just a friend. Once back at home, she opened her diary to add a sentence that concluded a page.

"There it goes." she said as she put down the pen, reading what she had written. Maria is playing with my head. What a moron. She scribbled a stickman's head below the sentence, adding question marks above it, illustrating the sentence in a way. Later in the day, as the night slowly crept over the mountains and the stars emerged, Ellie found herself at Joel's house. She didn't come there often, lately, not at all. It still hurt her to be there. It hurt, especially being on the porch, where she had her last conversation with him. That conversation was meant to be a new beginning for them, which they never had. The house was still empty; no one had ever moved in. She was sad, but she didn't cry. She was troubled, but also relieved. After everything that happened, things seemed to be falling right into their place. Joel's house was like that, it could draw out memories and emotions like nothing could. It was a truly special place. Ellie hoped no one would ever move in. On the second floor, in Joel's room, she found what she was looking for. Joel took good care of his acoustic guitar, cleaning it regularly and often replacing the strings whenever he could find new ones. She sat on the bed, the guitar resting on her lap as she began adjusting the strings. It brought back the memories of how she used to learn the instrument on this very guitar. The lack of two fingers on her left hand limited her ability to make chords, which was why she tried learn chords with the other hand. She didn't require all five fingers for strumming. It wasn't any easier, and it was as if she had to start learning the instrument all over again, but it felt only right to do it with his guitar. It was the best gift Joel ever gave her.

"I wish you were here." she whispered, leaning her chin on the body of the guitar, looking at the drawing of him she had made that he had placed in a frame and put on a counter beside his bed. She looked up at the calendar. Soon, it'll be a year since his death. Thinking back on the past year and everything that happened opened her mind to even more thoughts. Instead of feeling down as she usually would, she smiled. He'd probably be proud of her if he saw her. Over the past year, she had matured a lot. At least, that's what she thought. In the end, she reconciled with Joel in their last conversation. She let go of her revenge, knowing there were more important things in life. She became a woman in charge of patrols. Imagine that! And not too long ago, Joel was hesitant to let her on patrol on her own.

Ellie grinned, caressing the guitar. She was truly ready to let it all go and move on in the real sense of that word. It was hard, and it would continue to be hard. She still had nightmares and suffered occasional episodes of ptsd. That's what it was called, if she remembered correctly from reading that psychological book. But she felt ready to move on. I hope you'll be too, Ben. Someday. Looking up at the calendar, her eyes were set on a certain date in January. Your birthday is in three days. At least that was what others had calculated, and, judging by the calendar that was updated daily at the town square, today was January the 7th of the year 2039. He'll turn 19 and she'll be 21 in the summer. She remained there for a while, looking at the calendar, reminiscing of old times like she usually did lately. When she was done, she stood up with a guitar in her hand, a diary in the back pocket of her pants and walked through the door.

x

The barn door shook under furious blows from outside, the heavy bar across the door jumped in its brackets. Through the window next to the door moved the heavy silhouette of a bloater. There were windows everywhere, and more shadowy shapes outside. Not shadowy enough, though. Ben could still make them out.

The windows, he thought desperately. He backed away from the door, dragging a smaller boy with him using his both hands. Even if the door holds, they can break in the windows. Why aren't they trying the windows?

With a deafening metallic screech, one of the brackets pulled partly away from the doorframe, hanging loose on nails ripped a finger's width out of the wood. The bar quivered from another blow, and the nails squealed again.

"We have to stop them!" Ben shouted. Only we can't. We can't stop them. He looked around for a way to run, but there was only the one door. The room was a box. Only one door, and so many windows. What kind of a barn has windows? "We have to do something. Something!"

"It's too late," Tom said. "Don't you understand?" His grin looked odd on a bloodless pale face, and the bite wound on his chest stood out, visible through the ripped clothes, blazing as if it held fire. "It's too late for us to change anything."

"I've finally gotten rid of them," Emily said, laughing. Blood streamed down her face like a flood of tears from her empty eye sockets. She held out red hands, trying to make Ben look at what she held. "I don't have to look at your face ever again. I don't have to watch you become a monster."

A thud against the hard wood made him turn around, and Ben's eyes widened at the scenery he was looking. A row of people, their hands nailed to the wall above their heads, their bodies hanging, letting the blood paint the walls in paths that flowed down. He recognized many of them. Connor, Isaac, Mike, Manny and the children of the WLF, the Gypsy girl he left for dead and a slew others. Owen, Nora and the rest. The people he killed.

"But… it's over." Ben whispered, suddenly bursting into a rage as tears rolled down his face, "I know killed them! I ended this, it's over!"

"It's never over, Bennie," Annabel cried, capering in the middle of the floor. "It is never over!"

The door exploded in splinters, and Ben ducked away from the flying shards of wood. The infected rushed in, grabbing Emily and Tom, tearing them apart. One of the infected had Ellie's face. She was dead. Ellie was dead too. She came for him, clawing at him, grabbing his face to eat it. Ben screamed when she took him, and when she devoured him. He deserved it. Every single bit. Because of what he had become.

With a strangled gasp Ben sat up on the floor, clawing his way awake. It seemed he could still hear Annabel's voice, as sharp as if she was standing beside him. It's never over.

Bleary-eyed, he looked around to convince himself that he was still in his room, safe from the outside. Not safe from nightmares. He fell from his bed, but he didn't feel the pain. The rush of adrenaline and the fast beating of his heart made it seem like he could not feel physical pain at all. The dim light from the moon suffused the room. It was nighttime outside.

Leaning on the wall, he sat down and hugged his knees below the open window, wandering away into his thoughts. Another night, another nightmare. Eyes down, he looked at his hands. He clenched them to stop them from shaking. His thoughts wandered away, back to that night. It was taken away from him. Ellie took it away from him.

Why do I feel so empty?

Connor's death didn't give him peace. The man who caused so much pain and took so much from others died in such a simple way. Where was justice in that? Ben had him right where he wanted him, but it felt like he had slipped right through his fingers. His revenge was taken away from him with a single bullet. And yet again, he didn't feel angry or betrayed. Nor did he feel sad or regretful. Just… empty. He felt so empty.

For the first time since he escaped from the room of black and white, he delved deeply into it. His father, Tom, and others who were gone. Emily, Ellie and others were were still there. What were they thinking of him? In his nightmare, Emily blinded herself to not watch him become a monster. Was he a monster? What he wanted to do to Connor was certainly monstrous, but Ellie prevented him. What if Ellie was not there? The deed would be done, and he would've crossed the line. He didn't blame them if they thought of him as a monster, but he regretted it. They didn't understand why he wanted to do it, and simply because they didn't know everything. They didn't know something that he didn't want to tell them. But then again, does that put him in same place as Annabel? That torturing psychopath turned him into what he was today. Is this how you felt when you returned from Santa Barbara, Ellie? She spared Abby, but Ben wasn't about to spare Connor. He was a rapist and a murderer!

"Oh Bennie, Bennie." Said Annabel from across the room, hidden in the shadows, "Aren't you the same? Well, except for that rapist part. You're still a murderer."

"Be quiet." He growled at her. Did she lie, though?

She giggled, "Why didn't you play with him that night? I know you wanted to."

"You know nothing about me! You're dead, I killed you! Why can't you stay dead?"

"Are you going to play with your sister, too? What about Ellie, Bennie? You know she can't have you." Giggles. "Only I can."

What if she was right? What if he fell so deep in the dark that he ends up hurting people he loves? There was only one solution. He could see the shape of her face in the dark, and her mouth was spread wide in a grin. And giggling. That giggling was driving him crazy. He jumped to his feet, grabbed his shirt and stormed out, as far away from her as he could. Walking downstairs to the living room, he found the fireplace was burning steadily, illuminating the room dimly. He was surprised to find Emily, eyes locked on the book on her lap.

Without looking up, she said, "If you don't sleep at night, you'll be tired during the day."

He frowned, though she could not see it. At least, he thought she couldn't. "I can't sleep. What are you doing, anyway? You don't need sleep?"

Emily lowered the book she was reading and gave him a serious look. She was only a few years older than he, but being the older sister added fifty years of authority. "I'm not the one you should be worried about."

She met his eyes and jerked hers away, but not before he saw her uneasiness. Her doubt. That's right, I am a monster. Your own brother who saved you has turned into a monster that you saw that day almost ordering twenty people to be nailed to the trees."

Scowling, he straightened his poncho that he had pulled over his head and twisted around so he could lean back against the wall. "I've been thinking about it for a while. I will leave." Emily did not say anything; she fixed on her book, making an angry sound when she switched the page. "I'm going out for a walk."

She let the book fall onto her lap. "I don't know why I am even trying tonight. I can't keep track of those pages for some reason, all words seem kinda blurry to me."

"Okay." he said and opened the door, but she found herself at his side in two swift steps, pushing the door shut tightly. Ben looked at her. Emily's face seemed to be healing well. The bruises were much less prominent. He knew he found himself in another of those situations where he'd have to fight tooth and nail to get out. "Let me out, Emily."

She didn't budge, at all.

"I won't say it again. Let me out."

"And that's what I despise about you," she sneered, "you always think you have the final say in everything. Everyone, bow to King Ben and do as he commands!"

He rolled his eyes. Emily and her episodes. But he was going to fight this through. "Ben," she said, using a voice that she used when he did something very serious. "First of all, you aren't leaving. You can knock the idea out of your thick skull. Second, the reason I'm staying awake every night as well is because you're not sleeping. I can see it, okay? I'm not blind. After that night, I could see that something had changed. I can see that you've changed. Ever since you walked through this doors after coming back from Seattle, one short look at you was enough for me to know that something had changed within you. I'm your sister. No one knows you better than me. I know what you're thinking right now. You will leave, saving everyone from yourself. You're so different and dangerous, and you don't want to hurt anyone anymore." He shifted on his feet nervously. His sister always hit the mark. One look at her was enough to let him know she was aware of the advantage she had just earned. And knowing his sister, she was going to use that advantage. "I've known you your whole life. And it doesn't matter how much you change, I'll still know. So try and keep that in your mind before getting any stupid ideas."

He sighed, "Can I go now?"

Emily kept her eyes on him for a couple of long moments. To him, it looked as if she was examining his face, trying to dig out more information from it. He obviously knew she was capable of that, but to his surprise, she eased off of him. "Okay, whatever. Enjoy your walk. Just think about what I said."

"Okay." He said and walked outside, shutting the door behind him. Emily was a hard person at times. She was his sister, he loved her, obviously. But sometimes she annoyed the hell out of him with her stubbornness. Yes, she thanked him for the rescue. But as soon as they were back at the settlement, she reverted back to her bossy self. But still, he was glad the Wolves didn't mess her up during the captivity. At least something positive came out of it.

The town of Jackson was long asleep when he wandered the dark streets alone, hands shoved in the pockets of his pants. He wished he had brought his walkman to enjoy a song or two in the night under a clear sky. The full moon, the silvery ball of light high in the sky, only enhanced the white blanket that was snow, illuminating the land and making it seem like it was evening. It was quiet, except for the occasional bark or whimper from a random backyard dog.

He didn't count how long he walked, without any plans of coming back to his house until he cleared his head of all thoughts. What if he left tonight? No one would know or expect it. Perhaps he should. That'll be the best for everyone. Ben would be far away, and no one would be in the danger that he has become. It saddened him, but it seemed like the most reasonable thing he could do. A sound came from a distance. The first one he heard that did not come from a dog or the wind. Making his way quietly towards the source, he recognized Joel's house, hidden behind the corner of a neighboring house. A person sat on the porch playing a guitar, making awkward chords like someone who was still learning the techniques. But the voice that sang the lyrics could be no one else's but Ellie's. Ben could never mistake her voice for someone else's. Since coming back to the settlement, he hadn't seen her or talked to her. He wanted to, but he never did.

"The colors of his morning,

The darkness of his night"

She stopped singing, but only for the few short moments it took her to tune the guitar. She strummed the instrument twice to check the tone before resuming. Who was she singing about?

"Little graves that gave no warning,

A sun that brought no light.

He saw his whole world breaking,

That tortured soul I met.

In a prison of his making,

The man who can't forget."

A pause again. She stopped, inhaling a deep breath. She hadn't seen him yet. He kept listening in the dark, listening to her beautiful voice. Even though he heard them for the first time, her lyrics seemed familiar to him. Like a story once told. The strumming then continued, more solid in the next verse than it was before, and her voice was melodic and of a higher pitch.

"I can still hear the way that he cried,

For the ones he was missing.

I can still hear the way that he cried,

For the ones he had lost."

He could just listen, unable to move or speak or blink. Unconsciously, a tear rolled down his cheek. The trace it left on his skin was like rain on a dusty pane. Where had he heard this song before? He was sure this was the first time.

"He saw them in the rivers,

He felt them in the rain.

In dreams he heard them whisper,

The truth that is his pain.

He caused the whole world's breaking,

That tortured soul I met.

In a prison of his making,

The man who can't forget."

Ben looked up at the full moon above him. The silence fell back on the world once again, leaving the two of them alone in their solitude. Her lyrics pierced right through his soul, and he felt every single word. Ellie sat there on that porch, alone, and he hadn't talked to her since that night. He took advantage of the situation—she was right there—and seized the moment.

"Nice song," he said when he walked up on the porch.

Ellie twitched sharply when she heard his voice, "Shit! Ben, is that you? You heard it?"

"Yeah," He nodded, stopping across her. "It's a sad song."

She gave him a weak smile and looked away. "I know. The lyrics just came to me. I didn't even need to think, they just sort of did."

"Mind if I sit down?"

She scooted over to let him sit next to her on the bench. When he did, both avoided looking at each other.

"You've been avoiding me." She said after a while, playing with her fingers. "That's why I… um, wanted to give you some space to clear your head or something."

"Sorry."

Then silence, again. Why does it have to be awkward? It was always awkward. And he was to blame, as always. If only he knew his way with girls-

"Are we gonna talk about it?" she asked, her green eyes meeting his. It seemed she wanted to get straight to the point. "Help me understand, Ben."

"Understand what?"

"That stuff with eating human hearts and… what was up with that?"

He sighed, smirking. "Come on, Ellie. A man must display some madness from time to time. Makes him feel alive." The look on her face made him drop that stupid smirk from his face right away. "Sorry, wrong joke." What was he supposed to say about that, anyway? Where was he supposed to start? How was he supposed to start? How can he tell her that he was losing it and that he was leaving? Perhaps it would be best if he doesn't tell her. Instead, he'd just leave. He just wanted to talk to her one last time. He had to lay it out in the open for her to see why he did what he did. It would break him if she only saw him as some kind of lunatic.

"I know it was crazy." He started, somehow, "And the worst thing, I would've done it, Ellie. I would, because he deserved it. And I can't stand it anymore. The way you guys are looking at me, like I am some monster or something…" he smirked, looking away. "I just want you guys to look at me, and see me for who I am."

"I don't think you're a monster." She said, softly. "That's why I shot him, To save you, like you saved me."

"Saved you?" he was confused, "What do you mean, you never listened to me in Seattle."

She lowered her head, "Not in Seattle. When I fought Abby in Santa Barbara, I could've killed her. If only I held her underwater for ten more seconds, she would've been dead. And I wanted to kill her, so badly. But then, I heard you. You know what you said?"

"What?"

"Let's just go home. Just like you said that day in Seattle. And I saw you, the way you were before everything."

The way I was before everything. What was I like?

"And I couldn't… I couldn't kill her, Ben. It was a memory of you that saved me from crossing the line." Her voice was but a whisper when she spoke, but still loud enough for him to hear. There was pain in it, those memories were painful for both of them. "Back then, when I thought I lost you. I just wanted you and Joel to be proud of me, I wanted to start anew. And then you came back… I knew something was different straight away. You were cold, distant, and acted as if you hated me at times. I just want to be there for you, like you were for me, and-"

"I could never hate you, Ellie." he said in a low voice. "You are- I want to tell you…"

"What?" she asked eagerly, locking her eyes on his once again. Her expression revealed anticipation, but of what he did not know.

I want to tell you what? That I am in love with you all these years? That I want to kiss you, hold you or have you? How the hell am I supposed to tell you that?

"I'm sorry." he uttered under his breath after a while, allowing himself time to gather up the words necessary. "I'm sorry you felt that way, and I'm sorry if I hurt you. It's just that, after everything that happened and after I came back home, it felt… different. I felt empty and alone. I just felt lost. And even though I came back, I feel like I've never really come back.

"I wish you would." The way she said it hit him differently. The longing in her voice and the emotion. He hated that he had to leave. He hated that he had to leave her, after everything they'd been through in Seattle and in-between. He hated it with his whole heart. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at the night sky dotted with millions of shiny white points. It was a beautiful and serene view, one that brought peace to the mind and soul. Perhaps that was all he needed. "Ellie, do you want to know what happened in Seattle?"

Her head turned abruptly, and those large green eyes looked right into his soul. "You don't have to-"

"I want to. But I'll just ask you for one thing. Don't pity me, please." The look in her eyes couldn't be described, she just looked and said nothing. And so he began, e told her everything, starting from the beginning. How that family saved him after the battle at the theater and tended to his wounds. How did Connor find them and kill them. Refugees and his plans for them. Next came the capture. She just listened quietly, and he never noticed when she grabbed his hand. Be explained to her how got Abby to have a change of heart and lead the refugees to their freedom. Everything went smoothly and slowly at first, but then it was time to talk about her.Telling Ellie about Annabel was harder than he thought it could ever be. And the things she did.

"She called it a game, Ellie." He told her, his voice distant and low. "Annabel would take my hand and rip my fingernails one at a time, wait for my hand to heal, and do it all over again. She'd make me count from one to ten over and over again to keep my sanity so she could keep going. When I finally broke and told her what she wanted to know, you know what she did? She played the game again. The scar on my left side, the one that didn't heal properly, was from when she took a metal rod and heated it up until it was glowing red. Then she stabbed me. I don't remember much of the initial pain because I passed out."

He watched her silhouette just to remind himself she was still there. Ellie didn't say anything. She just watched and waited to hear more. Her expression was straight and strong, but her eyes revealed pain and a hint of tears. He hated it when she cried.

"Annabel never touched my face. She said it was to keep me beautiful. But the rest of the body was free for the taking. She cut me, she burned me and she flayed me. Those are the scars you saw on my body. When you asked me did they hurt, I said no, because I saw that look in your eyes. But they do, they hurt like hell, and not physically, except for that one on the left side under my arm. In the end, she was careless and I freed myself."

"What did you do then?" was the first question Ellie asked. "Did you kill her?"

He smirked, "I tied her to the same chair I was in for months. Then I slashed her throat. It felt good, really good. But it was too quick."

"Good." she hissed through her teeth. "I would've done the same to that fucking bitch. Oh god... I can't believe what I just heard."

"It really felt like a frenzy after that, you know. I got out, freed the prisoners, and let the horde in because I wanted to end the WLF once and for all. Their soldiers were defeated, the infected were shot down to the last one, and the rest were captured. I told Big Paul to spare those who could not fight, but I could not save those that died before. There were kids among them, Ellie. Little kids! But their leader Isaac, the man who handed me over to Annabel was still alive. Suddenly, all those deaths didn't matter to me anymore because he still lived."

"You could see him and him only in that moment. Nothing else mattered but revenge." She whispered. If someone understood what he talked about, it was Ellie. Ellie had paved her own path of destruction in Seattle. "Sorry, go on."

"Isaac got a quick death too. Quick and painless. And it didn't just feel right. I go through so much pain and suffering, and they got away with everything they did? That's why I wanted Connor to suffer. Do you get it now?"

"I do."

Lowering his eyes, he looked at his left hand. It was shaking. He'd cut out Connor's heart with his left if Ellie didn't stop him. "I still dream about it, about the room of black and white where it all happened. It felt like eternity, Ellie. It felt like hell."

When he stopped, they didn't speak for a while. Then he became worried because she didn't say anything. What if this changed how she looked at him, what she thought of him? What if-? Then she held onto his hand tighter and said, "I'm sorry, Ben. I knew it was bad, but I could never imagine anything close to this. I… I'm so sorry if I ever said anything. If I could, I would kill them all over again, and then again and again. It's just-"

"No pity," he cut her off, "Remember? You don't need to say anything. I'm just glad I shared it with someone." He was glad he told her, because he won't have the opportunity anymore. For a second there, he thought Annabel would say something. But she didn't, she was not there at all. Just like she never was whenever Ellie was there. "Thank you. For stopping me that night. If I did what I wanted to do, I wouldn't be any different than her."

She shook her head sharply, her voice trembling, "You could never be like her. You don't hurt people for joy." Her eyebrows furrowed together, and she spoke fast as if nervous. Her eyes were glossy, a sign of tears. The tears in her eyes were always the tears in his soul.

"You okay?" he leaned towards her, to see her face better. Wiping her eyes, she nodded several times rapidly, adding an insecure smile in the mix. Ellie fought with herself, trying to regain her composure, to stray strong for him. He knew her too well.

"I am." said Ellie, letting go of his hand. He wished she didn't. "It was just more than I expected."

He smirked, "I know it's a bit too much."

"You'll be okay." her voice was low, but the words came out like she meant them. "I know you will."

"Yeah." Ben replied absently.

Ellie sighed deeply, looking like she was taking a break from something. "I wish we could talk more, but it's getting late. Gotta get up early, you know. Patrols and other shit."

"Sure thing. I mean, yeah…" He wished they talked a bit more, but it would only make everything harder.

"When are you going to start patrolling again?"

"Tomorrow in the morning?" he suggested, as the thoughts of leaving lingered in his head. Maybe he doesn't have to leave tonight. Dangerous. Too dangerous and unstable. She smirked and stood up, walking slowly backwards away from him, playing with her fingers all the time. Ellie always did that when she was nervous. "Awesome. Okay, till tomorrow then."

On her way off the porch, she stopped abruptly, twisting her head to look at him over her shoulder. "Thanks, Ben."

"For what?"

She was still cracking her fingers, even more intensively than before. "For telling me. Good night."

"Good night." Ben said and watched her back as she walked away home, sitting alone on that bench on Joel's porch. Only when she left he realized how alone he was. He shrugged. The rest of memory flooded back then, leaving his mouth hanging open. Connor, I tried to eat his heart. He licked his lips that were suddenly dry. A gust of wind swirled around the settlement, but it was no colder than his heart. I killed a Gypsy girl in cold blood, she never hurt anyone. How many others did I kill? Ellie couldn't persuade him, nor could Emily or anyone else. He shivered. He felt so cold his fingers hurt. "If I leave, I can't hurt anyone. If I'm away, they'll be safe. But I don't want to…" He could not say it. Go mad. Turn everything around him to ashes like he did in Seattle, like he almost did it here. He felt like he was rotting, rotting while he still lived. Rotting in his mind.

x

Ellie hugged the pillow as soon as she got to bed. She thought about him on the way back home. The song she sang was about him. The lyrics describe him perfectly. The colors of his morning; Ben the way he was before. The darkness of his night; the way he has become Her vision blurred, her eyes filled with tears. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. He seemed so broken, so how could she cry in front of him? She usually had those walls built and raised around her that allowed her to keep it all inside herself. But not when it was about him. Not after everything they went through. Everything he went through. What he told her was too much for her to handle. As much as she wanted to be with him, she had to leave.

"I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry." Her shoulders were shaking as she cried because of how great his pain was. She kept repeating the words, knowing that nothing could change what happened to him in Seattle. If only he never chased after her, he wouldn't be caught or tortured. Ben would still be that same smiley idiot with stupid jokes, and his innocency that made him so unique would still be there. But in the end, he was still there, just as she was. She'd never leave him again, and she meant to live by that promise. But that night, she just wanted to be alone and cry. "I'm sorry."