Chapter 41 – What was meant to be

"Good boy." Ben said, stroking the dun stallion's mane before heading out of the stables into the snow wind that howled in the chilly evening in the town of Jackson. Hands shoved into his pockets, Ben regretted not donning another layer of clothing before heading out to patrol that morning. Each following day was colder than the last, but the nights were even worse. On patrol, it was easy to freeze to death if one was not careful. The good thing about winter patrols was that the infected – at least those that were in the open – were frozen solid. Though their heads were harder to crack once frozen, at least they didn't fight back. That morning, he went patrolling with Mark to check out the new routes Ellie had made. Ben was not surprised by her promotion. She deserved it and was well-suited and experienced for it. To his surprise, other patrollers welcomed him back to their ranks with open arms. The first patrol two days ago went fine. He was paired with Timothy, a middle-aged man who stepped in because of a lack of men who usually did the job. They didn't talk much, and it was a pretty awkward day, but they did it smoothly in the end. They took care of three runners, and that was about it. A pretty uneventful day on patrol. Yesterday, he helped with repairing the walls. Jackson's head of security, the bald sniper John, needed every available hand to sew planks and nail them together to create a new gate wing after the old one was broken by the horde. Ben had nothing better to do that day, so he stepped in. Today, Ellie paired him with Mark, and the two of them once again proved they made a good team. They managed to break into that old liquor store that has been talked about since last year, the one that was supposedly 'swarming' with bloaters. There were no bloaters, but the place was packed with stalkers. Because the place was drowned in spores, they had to wear a mask.

Once they took care of the stalkers inside, both were delighted with their find. Two large crates of liquor were hauled back to the settlement, and not only liquor. They found unopened medical boxes with bandages, syringes, and ethanol. They received quite the praise when they rode through the gates. For the first time in ages, Ben felt like going to a bar to celebrate the occasion. When he invited Mark, though, he dodged the invite, saying he had other plans. He seemed to be in quite a hurry. But Ben didn't mind him.

"Nice job today, Walker," said John when he walked past him, winking along the way. Another set of compliments came from half a dozen other people. He came to learn that so many others looked at him differently after the battle. People greeted him with smiles more often than not, and he noticed fewer edgy looks at his white hair, which was usually messy and had grown well over his eyes. It seemed they were getting used to it, just as they respected his efforts on the front line. I bet you wouldn't be thinking that if you knew what I wanted to do to Connor. He noticed something else, as well. Many of those smiles came out forced. The smiles they gave him didn't reach their eyes, and many seemed to maintain a safe distance. The news of how he almost executed twenty Wolves reached their ears. But still, people complimented him on his efforts daily. Out of fear or true respect, he had no idea.

By his book, matters of his departure had long since gone beyond merely serious. Serious was being stuck in the settlement when the horde was attacking. Serious was when the Wolves and Gypsies started popping up when you least expected, raid on the Gypsy camp and the quest to root out the Wolves and free Emily. That sort of thing came quickly, and was usually done before you had much time to think. It was certainly not what you would seek out, yet if you had to, you could live with it if you could live through it. But for days he had known the danger had passed. Life in Jackson was returning to its normal self, and things had slowed down. Nothing quick about it. Days to think. And do nothing.

"Didn't get the chance to thank you earlier, Benjamin." said a woman he had never seen in his life when she walked up to him. She looked sincere. "You were very brave that day. I don't know where we'd be today if Ellie and you didn't lead that day."

"Glad to hear that, ma'am." He replied with a smile, moving on past her. I am not a hero, he thought grimly. Fiercely, he pushed down a memory of wanting to carve out a piece of Connor's heart and eat it. Another memory he had to suppress was of the day when he let the infected into the main base of the Washington Liberation Front, resulting in the deaths of hundreds. I'm not a goddamn hero. He did not know what he was – a sour thought – but whatever he was, it included killing and devastation. That much he was sure of. It would be best for everyone if it involved a good horse and a road that would lead him somewhere far. And he had already taken care of the first part.

As he walked through the street lined up by bare trees on both sides, he noticed a clear lack of noise from William's smithy. He always had to walk by the object on the way to his house. It was just evening, and knowing Will, he had worked his butt off late every night since the attack. Being a blacksmith isn't just about crafting weapons, knives, or spear and arrow tips. More often than not, it included the crafting of nails, hinges, locks and other building materials. And being the only blacksmith in town, all that work fell on William's back. He never complained, though, and as far as Ben could remember, he found peace in his work. He had to admit that Will had grown a lot in his eyes. Once, he considered him a wimp, but the blacksmith had clearly shown bravery and resolve in the time of need. Ben respected him for that. His sister has found a good man.

He began thinking – for the tenth time that day – about where he could go. He heard about Gypsies traveling somewhere south. Perhaps he ought to avoid the south; he was pretty sure he left a sour taste in their mouths with his proneness to violence. Maybe east? St. Louis, perhaps? The place where he was born and raised until the whole Walker family had to escape for reasons unknown to Ben. Whatever his father was running away from, Ben didn't know. He missed him. Emily often told him he reminded her a lot of him. He probably did. Thomas Walker Sr. was just as over-protective as Ben, if not more, so much that he ended up sacrificing his life for them. Not that there was much left of it anyway, once he got bitten on the right hand. He held the clickers behind that door, giving them enough time to escape that factory, the three of them. They never came back to look for his body. Ben wished he came back.

All in all, a man ought to be able to find a good life in the wilderness as well. He could find someplace peaceful to live, where he'd be able to hunt, protect himself, and live away from others, thus keeping him safe. Traveling also seemed like a good option. He could see the world, or at least what was left of it. He never saw New York, Washington, or Boston. Dad often talked about Boston. He was a Massachusetts native, born and raised in the state before the world went to hell. In the end, every option rested on the same conclusion. He had to leave. And as much as he didn't want to, he had to. He was too afraid he'd just snap one day and do another thing he'd never forgive himself. He had too many of those on his conscience, anyway.

The point was that he had planned all of that about going and felt a twinge because there was no way for him to get closure, especially with Ellie. Not long ago, he had been unable to even think about leaving her. Sometimes, when he got too far from her, he was drawn back like a hooked fish on some invisible line. After Connor and the Wolves were dealt with, he was struck by a sudden realization that he had to leave, and it conflicted with everything that happened before. During his capture, all he could think was how much he wanted to come back. He remembered that, even during his capture and torture, he'd often think that if he ever got free again, he'd find Ellie and tell her how he felt. He was as free as the freest man in the world could be, but still his mouth was sealed when it came to telling her the truth. He'd just become awkward and try to wiggle his way out of the talk or change the topic.

"Ben." said a familiar voice from down the street. Maria, her hair tied into a tight ponytail behind her head, walked up to him. "I heard the good news everyone's talking about over at Mickey's bar."

"Yeah, we got lucky in that old liquor store in the town by Flat Creek down south." He explained, "It was a good haul."

Maria grinned, "It sure as hell was. I wanted to ask you, did Ellie talk to you about Big Paul and his people?"

He nodded. Ellie asked him yesterday whether or not he would be able to do something about Big Paul and the rest of the men and women he freed in Seattle. He told her he'd think about it, not wanting to give her false promises, especially since he was leaving. Lately, the past three days, Ellie and him didn't get to talk much. They were mostly busy, and their schedules kept them occupied at different places.

"And? What'd you tell her? Can you keep track of them?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. Probably, but now that they've got the dam for themselves, I'm not sure whether they'll listen to me or not. Big Paul is leading them. They have gotten used to him as a leader." Ben felt bad for lying to Maria, but he had to. Big Paul would listen and do anything Ben asked him to do. Well, perhaps not anything. But surely he'd obey the majority of Ben's commands, especially those that considered taking someone's life. That was Big Paul. Having him by your side was like playing with fire. Very useful but at the same time extremely dangerous. Just like me, huh? It raised the question of whether or not it'd be wise to leave them on their own. He'll make sure to stop by the dam when he leaves, to have a long chat with Big Paul and the rest about what and what not to do. However, he was unsure how long it'd last once he left. Big Paul and the rest are an unstable bunch, but at least the settlement folks outnumbered them by great margins. Wolves outnumbered them as well, a voice spoke in his head, but he brushed it off.

"I see. Just make sure to talk to them. We don't want them to cause trouble around here." Her eyes never left him as she talked, her voice stern and strong. "Be on your way, then. I won't take up anymore of your time."

"Noted." He said awkwardly, and stepped aside for some reason to let her pass, even though they were alone on the street. Ben studied her for a moment as she walked away. She managed to regain some of that leader's aura that radiated outwards. Ben hoped she put the drink down; Ellie complained quite a lot about her.

Ben looked up at the nearest guardtower; one of the sentries raised a gloved hand at him. He was one of the men Ben fought alongside to defend the walls when the horde attacked. With a bitter laugh, he waved back. Not a hero. Suddenly, he felt cold to the bone. After all, he spent the whole day out in the cold open. If he was not freezing in the saddle, he was freezing on his own two feet. The worst part was that he forgot his gloves. The knuckles had turned ill pink, and the fingers felt numb.

People were still completing their tasks. A din of voices and clattering pots came through the windows of the kitchen in Mickey's bar, which lay nearest to the church in the square. Through the windows, his eyes picked up cooks and scullions and potboys running about their work; the spit dogs trotted on their wicker wheels to turn the spitted meats. He made his way between the church and the bar, sniffing the smells of spices and cooking. No one spared him a second glance through one of the windows. They were all too busy.

The streets beyond the square, where people lived in small houses lined up in neat rows, were stirring like a kicked antheap as both adults and kids played outside in the snow. Kids would bombard each other with snowballs, poke one another with wooden sticks, pretending those were wooden swords, or, more often than not, make snowmen with their parents, other siblings, or friends. Almost each backyard was busy, and one glance at the street made for an illusion that the world was in its right place, that nothing bad lurked outside the walls. It was serene and peaceful, especially with the sight of kids. Every year, a family or two – at least – would come to town seeking shelter and the safety of the walls. And those were the families. When you add new individuals or small groups that arrived every year, and with that, the relationships and families that were formed afterwards, even weddings that took place at the summertime, one should be able to realize that Jackson was a fast growing community.

A couple of streets later, some backyards in this part of town were empty of people. The folks who lived there still performed their duties, though mostly the empty backyards were a result of empty households. Those were the houses of people who died when the horde attacked. It was a contrast on a whole other level. Unlike the backyards that were busting with children, laughter, and play, the others vibed a completely different vibe. Silent. Cold. Lifeless. Yet somehow not empty. His skin prickled, and he spun on his heel. No one there. He was alone, and the sounds of children's play were but a muffled noise somewhere far away. The hair on the back of his neck stirred, and he whipped around again. Still no one. Angrily, he stared at one of the houses. There's nobody there. It's just my imagination. I'm not going crazy. Not yet. But the eyes, he felt them on himself. The wind swirled up around him momentarily. He jumped, thinking it meant to catch him. For a moment he smelled the faint odor of decay, and heard someone behind him laughing slyly. Just for a moment. Frightened, he edged in a circle, peering wearily. The yard he was looking at, paved with rough stone, was empty except for him. Just your damn imagination! He ran anyway, and behind him he thought he heard the laughter again, this time without the wind.

In the woodyard he used as a shortcut to his house, the presence returned, the sense of someone there. The feel of eyes peering at him around tall piles of split firewood under the long sheds, darting glances over the stacks of seasoned planks and timbers waiting on the other side of the yard to be used in reparations for the walls. He refused to look around, refused to think of how one set of eyes could move from place to place so fast, could cross the open yard from the firewood shed to the lumbersheed without even a flicker of movement he could see. He was sure it was one set of eyes. Imagination. Or maybe I'mcrazy already. He shivered. Not yet. Please, not yet. With the voices in his head, he could only wish it hadn't been the case. Stiff-backed, he stalked across the woodyard, and the unseen watcher followed.

He never heard a footstep but his own, never heard a door creak except when he opened and closed it in his house, but the eyes were there. God, I am going crazy.

Then he opened another door, and human voices, human laughter, drifted out to fill him with relief. There would be no unseen eye here. He went in, surprised but relieved. The living room of his house was bustling with people chatting and laughing. The rattle of dice came through their soft murmurs, and somebody let out a raucous laugh at the throw.

Mark was watching Ellie and Cat playing a dice game, rubbing his chin thoughtfully with a finger. None of the players gave him a glance. His dark, collared t-shirt was buttoned to his neck. What was he doing at Ben's house? Didn't he say he had some plans when Ben invited him for a drink? When he looked up and noticed Ben standing at the door, he poked Ellie in her shoulder. In an instant, every action stopped and every face looked in his direction. Wordless, Ben stared at each of them. Emily and Will were standing by each other in the kitchen, leaning on the counters and flaring their eyes when they saw him there. Julia and Miles, both sitting on the couch, exchanged amused looks before fixing it on him. Jesse and Dina, sitting on the opposite side, were both looking at him over their shoulders. Cat, staring at him blankly. Cat, in his house? Mark, who smirked slyly for some reason, and Ellie, who just glanced at him with a slight smile on her face. Everyone seemed to wear the best and cleanest outfit they had in their wardrobe.

"Happy birthday!" all of them exclaimed at once, suddenly on their feet and moving towards him. All at once. He felt nervous. I told Emily I don't want a damn birthday, he thought angrily, hoping it wasn't showing on his face. For Ben, birthdays were usually quiet days. Those were the days he used to reflect on the year and strive for a hopeful future. After mom died, dad would make the birthday cake. Looking back at it now, it amused him. Dad was such a bad cook. Emily would make him a present, and Tom used to draw him something. Despite of those being days being quiet, Ben would plan on being bolder, speaking louder about his ideas he had for making a better world for everyone. Perhaps that extra bit of bravery, that extra bit of willpower and resolve, was a real gift to himself from him. "This time next year I will make a change in the world,"and then make another resolution for the year after. Since Tom died, his birthdays have gotten darker. His birthday became just another day of the year, the only difference being that he was a year older. And after surviving Seattle, he stopped thinking about birthdays at all. But in spite of everything, Ben found himself grinning. "It's today?" The relief of not being alone, of not being exposed to those eyes, was almost overwhelming.

"Happy birthday!" Mark exclaimed, pushing his way through the crowd to take him into a manly hug. "Which one is it? Nineteenth?"

Ben nodded, smiling. "I think so."

"I got this for you." He said, outstretching his hand to give him a weird dice with much more than just six sides. "It's one of those D&D dices. I found it today when we were outside. Remember you once said you wanted to play this game. So I figured, a nice way to start a collection."

Ben examined the dice in his hand, it had ten sides. It was a pretty thoughtful gesture from his new friend. "Thanks, Mark. It's great."

Next were Emily and Will. His sister hugged him so tight he thought she'd break his bones. William shook his hand politely. The couple gave him a set of four new ponchos. "I know how much you love wearing them." Emily said, all while grinning like an idiot and studying the gift in her hands almost absently. "I hope you like them."

"They're great, Em."

She hugged him again before stepping aside to let Julia give her own gift. Ben was surprised to see them here. He was always on friendly terms with Julia, Miles, and even Cat (at least they were polite to each other, if spiteful at times), but he never expected to see them at his birthday party, which was obviously Emily's doing. Julia stepped in front, wearing tight blue jeans and a dark red shirt that pronounced her figure quite much. And of course, she was the only girl to apply makeup, as usual. But with or without the makeup, Julia was beautiful either way.

"Happy birthday, Ben." Her words were soft with the smile that already played on her face. Soft with a hint that she wanted to play with him. "This is for you. Let me know what you think when you finish it."

Ben smiled at her, knowing full well that Julia was about to try and do something tonight. Otherwise, why would she be here? How did he know that? Not sure, just a feeling in my guts. I guess I'm getting some experience with girls. He hoped to avoid the situation; it would only be awkward for both of them. Well, awkward or not, he was leaving the settlement anyway, so… "Thanks."

While Julia's intentions explained her presence, what came as the biggest surprise was Cat's presence. She wished him a happy birthday, mentioning she brought the drinks for everyone, before walking off without any particular present. Miles gave him a headset even though Ben already had one, but he made sure to keep that to himself. Having a reserve never hurt anyone. Jesse needed Dina's help to walk, but Ben was happy to see him on his feet either way.

"Feeling better?" Ben asked him when Jesse and Dina wished him a happy birthday. The present they made together for him was a collection of CDs for his walkman.

Jesse smirked, "Better or not, I can still beat you at basketball."

Ben laughed, "Still talking smack? I thought I won last time, bozo."

"How come I remember it differently?"

"You're such a sore loser."

"Look who's talking?"

"Oh, yeah?"

As they argued, Ben noticed Dina slipping off somewhere. He wasn't quite sure, but it seemed she was avoiding him. Ever since he killed those Wolves at the resort, she kept her distance from him.

"Anyway," Jesse said as soon as Dina left, "we kissed."

It took a second or two for the new information to sink in, suddenly seeming larger than life. Then he felt his lips stretching wider into a gaping grin and his eyebrows arching for the sky. That bastard finally did it. "No way. When?"

Sometimes during the battle, I think, I passed out. She said I was out for two days," Jesse explained, looking over his shoulder at Dina, who stood with Ellie. The two of them were chatting and smiling at each other by the window. Ben didn't know that Jesse was out of it for two days. He didn't know because he hadn't visited him. Because he was locked in his room after that night. He felt bad about it now. "When I woke up, she found me standing on my feet. The way she walked over to me, I thought she was gonna punch me in the face for straining myself. Instead, she hugged and kissed me. Man, I was out of it. Like… hell, I can't even explain."

The way his eyes shone when he talked about her was a dead giveaway of Jesse's feelings about Dina. "Man, she's like... she's awesome, you know. She has many of those qualities about her. She's really amazing. It makes me wonder what my qualities are. What does she see in me, Ben? Because I don't know."

"Come on, you've got many qualities." Ben pondered on his question deeply, trying to make a list in his brain, something he'd tell to make Jesse feel good about himself. "You know how to work a grill."

Jesse just stared at him, blankly. Expecting more, and Ben had no idea what else to tell.

"I'm sorry man, I thought I was gonna come up with more. So, the two of you are together now?"

He shook his head, disappointed. "Well, no… Not officially, yet. Dina, uh, she's making a big deal out of it. She said she's worried about what Ellie might think about it."

Ben shrugged, "I don't think she has anything against it."

"You only say this 'cause you like her. Anyway, what about you two?"

Ben wished he hadn't asked. He was reminded of his departure every time he thought of Ellie that way. "It's, um… nothing. We won't be together."

"She said something? Did you tell her how you felt about her?"

"No."

"Why?"

"It's complicated."

He nodded with a sigh, "I get it if you don't want to talk about it, I won't press. I just hope you know what you're doing."

"No worries about it."

The birthday party turned out to be quite something. At least, that's how it rug in the living room turned to a dance floor once Mark started the music. That rug, that stupid old rug, had seemingly seen more dancing moves that night than a ballroom. It was where everyone twirled, everyone with everyone, the music escaping from every open window and door. It told an earthly tale of love and laughter, of more good times than anyone was ever promised. However, it'll need a good wash tomorrow. A lot of alcohol was spilled on it. Ben didn't want to dance; he was never the one with the moves. But apparently, not wanting to dance at your birthday party was a big no-no. Julia grabbed his wrist and pulled him up from his chair to the dance floor. When Julia flowed in dance, it was as if it were the only way her body knew how to speak. Verbally she was guarded – well, not always – physically, she'd stand out because of her beauty. But on the 'stage' her personality and her sensuality were even more prominent. Ben watched her move to the music filling the room, crackling somewhat from the old cassette recorder. For the most part, that ancient music machine was her only audience, watching her with those two dusty black eyes once he gave up trying to follow her motions with his own awkward moves. As she turned, her eyes caught him standing there, him who was adept at hiding in the shadows. She winked at him with a hint of a smile on her face, and he felt the need to escape. He'd much rather face a horde of clickers than her seduction. It was just as Jesse had warned him.

Ben's birthday party was indeed a party in the true meaning of the word. It wasn't yet midnight, but he already knew that most of the people would sleep over because they would drink themselves until they passed out. Miles was already reaching a critical point, and Mark wasn't any better. Mark, who raised a toast to Ben at least ten times in half an hour, didn't hold his liquor well. On occasions, Cat could be seen with Julia, whereas the latter would use every opportunity to dance or give Ben suggestive looks. That girl was used to getting what she wanted. After a drink or two, Ben's mind began wondering. Since Ellie liked girls, and the emphasis was on obviously liked girls, that surely meant that she wouldn't be angry if he perhaps did something with other girls. And why would she? He was her best friend. If anything, she'd be happy for him to find someone. That raised another question, whether or not he should have someone? What girl in a normal state of mind would want someone like him? He, who was doomed to inevitably snap at some point in his life. There was no other outcome to it, not with the voices in his head.

Still, despite all that, he was lurking to catch Ellie the moment she was alone. The catch was that she was never alone. When he first came to the party, he noticed that she spent a lot of time with Cat. He felt like someone had stung him with a needle. Or like someone stung him with a needle fifty times.

If he was a little crazier, he would have thought he was jealous. He had no right to be jealous. But she spent so much time with Cat, who was her ex-girlfriend. And since returning to Jackson, the two of them have just seemed friendly to each other. Maybe even overly friendly. That happened last time too. And the two of them even kissed at a party a few days ago! When she wasn't with Cat, she spent time with Dina and Jesse. She would chat about something with them and move on to be with others, except for Ben. He hadn't even received her present yet. Not that he would be mad at her if she didn't have one, just that it was weird.

The party was almost stopped when Mark and Miles vomited on the carpet. Miles fainted from the amount of alcohol, but Mark remained sober, at least partly sober. Sober enough to clean up the mess when Emily made him. In his honesty, Ben felt sorry for him. Emily was overly neat. She was willing to put up with the drink spilling on the carpet because it was Ben's birthday, but vomiting? Mark and Miles will suffer the consequences of this - in the form of her anger - in the days to come. And everyone who knew Emily knew that the quickest and easiest way to survive it was to just put their heads down and live silently through it. The party took on a slower pace after Miles' and Mark's painting endeavors, and Ben found himself by the fireplace, holding a cup in his hand.

"Hey." Julia said, walking over with her own drink. The smooth moves that were her walk made her look like she was levitating. "Cat and Ellie are talking about some paintings. I've never seen two people look so excited talking about art."

Another sting. "Yeah, I guess they're like that."

"What are you excited about?" she asked.

"What?"

"What do you like?"

Ben allowed himself a moment to think, though he already knew the answer. "Books."

"Oh yeah? Me too." For some reason, he seriously doubted it. "What do you read?"

"I little bit of everything."

"You aren't the talkative type, are you?"

Ben smiled, "Not really. You get Mark and the rest for that."

Another conversation with another girl, and things got awkward again. This time, he felt really bad about himself. He might be crazy, but he can't be that awful with the girls.

"You know," She said, "What you did that day when the horde attacked, fighting in the front and all, it was really brave. Did I ever tell you that?"

"Thanks." Surely, he was supposed to compliment her back now. Rummaging through his thoughts, he was trying to find the best possible compliment he could give her without sounding weird or corny. "You were, um, very accurate with your gun." Really, Ben?"

She grinned, "Your face looks so funny. Don't be so shy. And thanks."

If his face had been red before, it was now as hot as a pepper. It felt as if all of his blood vessels had rushed into his cheeks. He wanted to hide under a bed, just to avoid this pain, which was arising in the form of awkwardness. Ben thought he had grabbed the right moment to escape when he saw Ellie heading into the kitchen alone. Excusing himself, he followed her with a dumb grin on his face, feeling like a small child getting a new toy, only to see Cat waiting for her behind the corner. When he saw the two of them laughing together, so close to each other, he wanted to hit his head against the wall and jump off a cliff afterwards. If only there was a cliff in the settlement... Disappointed, he turned and began to climb the stairs, passing by Jesse and Dina whispering something to each other.

"You okay, man?" Jesse asked from the stairs below him.

Ben waved it off, "Oh, yeah. I just need to get something from my room, be right back."

The music was muffled considerably when he closed the door of his room. In three steps, he found himself at the other end of the room, at the desk under the window. Pulling the walkman out, he closed the wooden drawer and inserted the first CD he found. He didn't even pay attention to which song he was listening to; it only mattered that it was loud enough to block the sounds coming from beyond the door to his room. He wasn't aware of how short-lived the peace he gave himself was when he noticed Julia standing over him beside the bed. Her full lips were moving, but he couldn't hear because of the headphones in his ears.

"What are you doing?" he heard when he turned off the music. The muffled sounds of music and laughter still came through the closed door.

"Nothing."

Her lips parted, revealing two rows of white teeth. "Somebody's hiding."

"Nah, I'm just uh…"

"Bored. Me too." She walked slowly across his room, studying the posters on the walls above his bed, the bookshelf on the opposite end, and his desk with all the clutter on it. She stopped at his bed, looking at him from above. "She likes girls."

He tried to play it out, "What are you talking about?"

"I noticed the way you look at her." That smile never separated from her face. There was no way she could tell. Just, no way.

"No." standing up, he was face to face with her. He could smell her breath. It was a sweet mix of alcohol and fruit. "I don't like Ellie."

"I don't believe you."

Each time he said he didn't like Ellie, he knew he was lying to himself. But Julia didn't need to know that. "I don't care."

She leaned her head closer to his, their noses were almost touching. His heart was beating faster, it was almost painful. It felt wrong. But he did nothing to push her back. Just as she was about to kiss him, her hands rested on his chest, clutching his shirt for a moment before she pushed him onto the bed. A second later, she was on top of him. For some reason, this felt like cheating. But, he didn't mind it. Not one bit. If Ellie can kiss whoever she wants, I can kiss Julia too. Or she could kiss him, since she was obviously taking the initiative. Second by second, her lips were getting closer to his. Just another moment and they'll touch. Julia closed her eyes, and he closed his. There was nothing but the dark and the heat. He knew she won, and that she was getting what she wanted. Julia was the type of girl that was used to getting what she wanted.

But she was not Ellie.

At that moment, he felt the creak of the door opening, letting the music in. Julia was still on top of him when he looked over her shoulder at the door. And his world shattered like glass.

"Sorry, I thought…" Ellie mumbled, shifting from foot to foot. He was unable to describe the expression on her face. "Sorry."

The door closed shut with a slam, blocking off the music again. Julia slid next to him, and he stared at the door like a mule. He stared, when he wanted to run after her and apologize. Why should he apologize? He did nothing wrong, yet he felt and knew he had. Ben sighed tiredly and his head fell back onto his bed. Clutching his fists, he wanted to punch the wall.

"Um," Julia scoffed, "Awkward."

Jumping off the bed, he rushed through the door, not caring what Julia might've said or felt. At the moment, the only person he could think of was Ellie. And Ellie alone. Some of the people present and still sober enough looked at him with interest when he rushed downstairs, glaring across the living room in his house. Everyone was still there, enjoying the spirits of the party, except for her. Ellie was not there. Not in the living room, nor in the kitchen. Cat was spilling water on Miles' face to wake him up and Mark was laughing at it. Jesse and Dina, the lovebirds that they were, still sat together.

"Where's Ellie?" He asked Emily, who swallowed a piece of cake and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. Beside her, William swapped his gaze from Emily to Ben.

"What'd you do?"

"No time, Em. Where is she?"

"She went out."

He turned around and rushed outside without a word, not even stopping to don his poncho. It was dark outside. Initially, he didn't feel the colder temperature, but as he walked, the chill slowly crept into his bones. The first place he tried was her home. He knocked on the door for two minutes, but no one answered. The lights were off. Irritated, he tried several other places. The basketball court, nope. The sentry towers, nothing. The stables. Perhaps she went there to see her horse, but it turned out to be a hopeless endeavor as well. She seemed to had vanished. Chilled to the bone, somehow he was not aware of it. The guilt was ice in his guts that made him feel the cold. It could be a hundred degrees out and he'd still be frozen on the inside. He couldn't melt it on his own, or shift it at all. There had to be something he could do. The look on her face when she barged into the room said it all. Disappointment. Was there ever a worse feeling?

It was one of those benches he used to sit on, near the church, where he finally found her. He remembered the night. It was another one of those lame events he always hated. The last time he was at one of those, almost a year ago, the two of them didn't speak much, having drifted apart from each other. And now, she was sitting on the same bench where he sat when he left that party. She was alone, hugging her knees, gazing at the starry sky.

"You'll get cold if you stay outside too long." He said as he walked up to her, hands shoved in his pockets trying his best not to shiver.

She looked at him over her shoulder and said, "You're one to talk."

With his arms wrapped around himself, he was hopping from one foot to the other, trying to avoid the cold that was soaking through his clothes. "Nah, I ain't cold."

"Sure."

She was angry. For some reason, she was angry at him. But he still sat next to her. That's what he told himself he'd do. He'd fix it, whatever it meant, whatever the source of her rage was – he knew he was at fault – and he'd be able to leave the settlement in peace with himself, knowing he'd left on good terms.

"She's your girlfriend now?" she asked, hiding her face. "Is that what you came to tell me?"

Ben used his foot to draw patterns in the snow, unrecognizable scribbles. "No. She tried to kiss me-"

"And? Did you like it?"

What kinds of questions were those? Why did it matter if he liked it or not? "No. I mean, not that she kissed me. Because she didn't. She didn't kiss me."

"But you kissed her?"

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"You know what it means."

"No, I didn't kiss her, and she didn't kiss me!"

"It sure looked like it."

"She surprised me, that's all."

"So, she did kiss you."

"I didn't say that! Besides, why does it even matter? So what if she kissed me? I mean, I don't want Annabel to be the only girl I kissed… kissed me, I mean."

Her head abruptly turned towards his, and she just stared at him wide-eyed. He wasn't very fond of the memory, but oh well.. "Yeah, during our time together, she kissed me several times. Not that I wanted it, I just couldn't resist. I mean, I was chained to a damn chair, Ellie. What was I supposed to do? Spit in her face? Perhaps I should've."

When he was done, it was silence. All over again. That damn silence, which he despised with all his being!

"So, you didn't kiss her?" she asked finally.

"No, Annabel kissed me."

She sighed with frustration, "Not Annabel. Julia."

"Oh, I didn't. And she didn't kiss me either!" he made sure to add quickly. He could swear he saw her blushing. Whatever the reason, he was pretty sure it was because of the cold. It was indeed quite cold outside, and he just had his shirt on. But he'll endure! He had to. I've come this far, he thought, not even sure what he meant by that. Surely he won't admit his feelings, not when he's supposed to leave Jackson for good. So they could be safe, from him. There were changed and unchanged parts of Ben. Sure, he still kept his tender heart. But his demeanor could change at the flick of a switch, and he became merciless. He was unstable. Even if Ellie felt something too – which she didn't, obviously – he couldn't stay. It was too risky. He learned it that night, with Connor. Ellie was the only reason he didn't cross the line, but it was just a matter of time. It was not up to him. He can't control it. He can't control Annabel in him. "Why does it bother you?"

"It doesn't!" she jerked at him, "It was just... I just wa-"

"Forget about it," he said dismissively, "it's behind us."

"Remember the joke you said that night?" Ellie asked , her eyes still wandering off somewhere in the distance. "I found you here, alone, after that party at the church."

"The one where you kissed Dina and Sett called you a dyke?"

Ellie sighed, "That one."

"What was the joke?"

"What do you call a dinosaur that crashes its car?"

Memories flashed back in an instant. "Tyrannosaurus Wrecks."

Both of them burst out laughing in an instant. They laughed for a while. She was cute when she laughed, the way she giggled and how she wiped her tears when she laughed too much. He never knew why she found his jokes so funny. It seemed she calmed down. That was a good sign. And Julia probably wasn't the reason she was mad, it had to be something else, otherwise she wouldn't had calmed down so quickly. He knew how she was.

"Oh boy. Is that a laugh, Walker?"

He raised an eyebrow, "You never call me by my last name. And yes, it is a laugh."

"What a strange, strange sight."

"Why?"

"You're not used to you laughing."

He flashed her another one, albeit a sad smile. She looked at him back, then her hand flew into her pocket, drawing out a folded piece of paper. "I forgot to give you your present."

Ben took the piece of paper carefully from her hand, unfolding it. It was a painting. Snow-capped mountains rose high in the background under a starry sky, where the stars were but prickles in comparison to the brightness of the full moon. Below, on the grass plain sat a white wolf, head lifted upwards as it howled into the night.

"The Night of the White Wolf." She said softly, "And Khan."

He tried to fight the tears forming in his eyes. Why did it seem like he was crying too much lately? He didn't talk much about Khan. But he often thought about his furry friend. It was the best friend anyone could wish for. The way he tilted his head or looked at you with his light blue eyes, you'd know he understood every single word you'd say, and would answer if he could've spoken like a human. He was there for Ben in the hardest of his days, and he gave his own life to save Ben's when there was no hope.

"Tom, too." Ellie added, "White wolf binds together all three of you. Happy birthday, Ben."

His eyes remained on the painting, and somehow it became too hard to look at her. Somehow, what she did was magic, yet he felt his past eating him up once again. The things he had done. The things he was supposed to have done differently. The things that wore him down and turned him into what he had become. "Am I hideous, Ellie?"

"No." Her voice was a melody, even though she said a simple word.

"You'll never get over it. But you'll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts."

"There is so much here that I'll never understand. I've always strived to be kind, to help people just like my father taught me… but what I've seen and survived has led me to question that purpose. And I begin to ask myself. 'Why are you the way you are? Why did you change so much?' Sometimes I think I have an answer, but sometimes I think I'll never get it."

"You know, I used to mark time in stages – one juncture to the next." Ellie said thoughtfully, "There was a Boston and Riley phase, and then the trip across America with Joel phase, Jackson phase, Seattle phase… every time I thought I found what I was looking for, every fucking time I came away, disappointed."

"Apocalypse life in a nutshell, I'd say."

She scoffed, "I just want to say that I understand what you're getting at. It's not easy. Not at the slightest."

"I helped others because I had no idea how to help myself. I was scared when I became what I am. But once you become the thing you fear, the fear goes away. That's the way it's supposed to be. But why am I still afraid, then?" It was really cold, but it wasn't just the physical cold he felt.

"Because you're not what you think you are." too she suddenly took a hold of his hand. "If you can't see it for yourself, I'll make you see. Okay?"

Why are you making this harder, Ellie? I have to leave you, goddamn it! I have to leave everyone!

"Ellie…"

"Yes?"

"Why does I feel like you're always saving me?"

Her lips curled upwards, "Somebody's got to."

Both just stared at the sky for a while, enjoying their own silence. Stars illuminated the sky like snow-flakes in the night, yet appeared still, like an old photograph. Ben smiled, feeling the wind blow his hair into a tousled mane. Were they out there in space, riding the limits of the known universe, they would be a choreographed blizzard. Ellie would've loved that. Going out to space was her dream. But for now, leaned back on the bench, he watched the starlight keep its familiar pattern. The constellations, who'd witnessed centuries and millennia just the same, watched over this tiny moment.

Why are you grinning like that?"

"I just remembered the craziest thing. It was our first party since we arrived in Jackson. Emily made me come. You know, I hated those parties. You had a plain shirt, shorts, and your hair… it was in two short braids instead of a ponytail you used to style. I remember Emily pointing you out while we were finding our seats. She looked at me and said 'Is that Ellie?' I nodded and she continued. 'I heard her sing yesterday. It was beautiful… even the birds stopped to listen.'"

Ellie was grinning ear to ear as he talked, "Where did that come from?"

"I don't know. It just came to my mind."

"Is that a weird way to compliment my singing?"

He laughed, "Maybe."

"Jeez, weirdo."

He hated that he had to leave, now more than ever. And he knew how hard it was to leave without telling her, without even trying. He'd never forgive himself if he did. Yet he had to. He knew he had to. And somehow, it was the hardest thing he had to do in his life. Something so simple, yet so heavy and crushing.

"Hey, you should go home," she suggested after a while, "you're freezing."

Leave? He didn't want to leave her.

"No, I'm not." He made a good effort at ignoring the temperature as long as he could, despite the feathery white that marked every breath. He was shivering, but managed to sit still.

"Ben, don't be stupid."

He grinned, "I'm not stupid. It's just a little chilly."

She glared at him like she was going to punch him. "It's starting to snow, I'm feeling cold and I'm the only one wearing a jacket. You're wearing just a shirt. Seriously, Ben…"

"Oh, will you shut up and let me stay with you a while longer?" He didn't mean to say it out loud. It was just a thought, and it was supposed to remain a thought.

Silence. The way she gazed at him was all he needed to know that he had blown everything before he even started. What did I even start? He just gazed back, mouth halfway open, looking like an idiot. He was not supposed to say it, and he felt his heart racing down to his heels. She wasn't saying anything, and the tension was killing him.

"I… um…" he mumbled, trying to talk his way out of it, but words were impossible to find. "Know what? To to hell with it!" He said before crushing his lips to hers, knowing full well she was about to push him away and punch him in the face. But she didn't, and they were kissing. Once, twice, until he had a taste and realized he'd never have enough. Then they stopped, and Ellie pulled her head back and everything went oddly quiet.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, her voice so low it was almost a whisper.

He shrugged, suddenly looking uncaring. His heart beat faster and faster. "Because I wanted to."

Ellie just gaped at him for a moment, seemingly unable to believe that he could have such a simple answer to what was, despite its simple phrasing, such a complicated question. Finally, she blurted out, "But you can't have."

He smiled. Slowly. "But I did." What the hell is this confidence?

"But…"

"But?"

"Wanna go to my place?" she asked, mumbling so much he could barely understand her.

"Yeah." He replied without a second thought.

The fire was still burning weakly in the fireplace at Ellie's, keeping the warmth. As soon as he got inside, he jogged over to the fire to warm his hands.

"I'll get you something warm to wear." She said, rummaging through the wardrobe. He looked at her back, trying to process what had just happened. He kissed her. Benjamin Walker kissed Ellie Miller. Right then and there on that bench. He pressed his lips against hers and managed to come out alive. Is this a dream? "Here."

He walked up to her to take the red hoodie she gave him. Ellie always wore oversized clothes, so he had no worries that it'd fit. He glared at the piece of clothing in his hand, as if wondering what he was supposed to do with it. Ellie was still rummaging through the wardrobe, but she wasn't pulling anything out. Why was she taking so long and what was he supposed to do next?

I kissed Ellie. She kissed me back. Holy shit.

"I'll make you some tea." She suddenly said and wandered off to the kitchen. Sighing, Ben pulled the hoodie over his head and sat on the bed. They didn't talk when she put the water on to boil and waited for it. It was another of those awkward silences, and neither of them talked about what had happened. As if both were unaware of what was supposed to happen next. But they kissed. They kissed! Ben hoped he wouldn't pass out.

She gave him the tea and walked to the bathroom. Ben was alone for about fifteen minutes before she finally got out. He thought she went there to change or something, but neither did she change, nor did he hear the sound of flushing water, which told him that she went there, doing absolutely nothing. And now she walked around the room, occupying herself with anything she could find just to distract herself.

He thought he had never drank tea faster in his life, and he drank it while it was searing hot! It burned his lips completely, but he didn't know what else to do. Getting up to his feet, he started heading towards the door. What else was he supposed to do? He was stiff and frozen, too afraid to make the next move, while she was simply walking around the room doing nothing. Going home and running away seemed like the best option. Ellie stopped walking, turned around, and pressed him against the wall. There was a determined glint in her eyes that he'd never seen before, and a slow smile spread across her features. Ben suddenly became instantly aware of every part of her body that was pressed against his.

"What the hell was that?" She asked huskily, her lips so close to his that he could feel her warm breath. Heat rose from Ben's stomach to his chest. The temperature in the room must have risen ten degrees, and he didn't understand how his body could be so warm and yet still shivering.

His cheeks flushed. His heart had started to pound, but his voice was steady when he said, "A kiss?"

Ellie didn't answer. She looked up, then finally, and her wide green eyes rested on him. He could feel the tension in his own body, the effort of holding back, of not pulling her against him and taking his chance. His mouth came down on hers. And then, somewhere below, his heart was racing.

Not a thump exactly. Not even a leap. But a kind of swish, like a frog kicking off from a muddy bank. His heart, moving that moment between two elements: one, excitement; the other, fear. He tried to pay attention. He tried to hold up his end of things. But Ellie was way ahead of him. She swiveled her head back and forth the way actresses did in the movies. He started doing the same, but felt the need to stop. So he stopped, standing almost stiffly with arms on her waist. Finally Ellie broke off the kiss. She looked at him blankly for a moment, and the responded with a smile, "Not bad for your first time."

And that was it. All the self-control he'd exerted over the past years went away, like water crashing through a broken dam. Her arms came up around his neck and he pulled her against him. His hands flattened against her back, and she was up on the tips of her toes, kissing him as fiercely as he was kissing her. He clung to her more tightly, knotting his hands in her hair, trying to tell her, with the press of his mouth on hers, all the things he could never say out loud. His heart thrummed in his chest, and he felt his knees growing weak. Thankfully, he was still pressed against the wall. He thought it would be entirely unmanly if he collapsed from the intensity of her kisses.

He had no idea how long they kissed – morning could have dawned for all he knew – before Ellie pulled back, panting. She put her arm against the wall for support, resting her head on his chest. It took several minutes for both of them to calm down and catch their breath.

"I don't think I've ever been kissed like that," she said after, raising her head and looking dazed.

"Like what?" Ben asked, beginning to feel nervous. Didn't she enjoy it? Because I didAlso, the only kissing experience he's had was with Annabel, and that was not saying much.

"Like… like a woman. " Ellie said, averting her eyes. Even in the limited light from the fireplace, he could see a pretty blush staining her cheeks.

Ben's chest swelled with pride. "You should be kissed that way," he said. After a moment of thinking about it, he frowned and clarified, "But only by me."

"Possessive now, are we?" she asked, grinning.

"Absolutely," Ben replied, beaming. Suddenly, his heart lightened, and he was unworried about every ill thought that lingered in his mind. "You know how long I've been waiting for this?"

"Tell me."

"Ages."

She giggled, giving him a peck on his lips, those green seas lost in his own. "Took you long enough."

"I'll make it up to you." he said, and she pulled him to bed. After he made sure he made up for all of his former years of kisslessness, he said "I think if we don't stop kissing, the world is going to explode."

"Seems like it," she replied.

And he was kissing her again. She was everywhere. In his embrace, he could feel the soft skin on his palms and lips, and suddenly she was kissing him harder, deeper, with a fervent urgent need he had never known before. Another eternity went by, another life he'd lived through just in her kisses. By the end of it, Ellie's eyes were half closed, and so were Ben's, and her lips only looked small from afar, he realized, because of their doll-like pucker. They were perfectly big, really, not that he had a good look at them. Perfectly something. She nudged his nose against his, and their mouths fell sleepily together, already soft and open. When Ben's eyes closed, his eyelids stuck. He wanted to open them. He wanted a better look at Ellie's scarred brow, to admire her freckled face, her small nose, and her...

But he was so tired. And her mouth was so soft.

And nobody had ever kissed Ben like that before. Well… if you exclude Annabel, no one had ever kissed Ben before. Julia barely tried. Ellie's kisses were all taking. With soft little jabs of his chin, she seemed to be drawing something out of her. He brought her fingers up to her hair, and she couldn't open her eyes. With a smile, Ben let her sleep. It was a long day for them both. And what had just happened was enough for him to forget about everything. Almost everything. He closed his eyes, and the dreams followed soon afterwards.