A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates, y'all. I was really busy with real life and was struck with a HARD writer's block. This chapter is really slow, and nothing much happens in it, but I'll give you two hints. Pay attention to details, because there are some crucial ones hidden somewhere in this chapter concerning the conclusion of Ben's "insanity arc".
Enjoy!
Chapter 42 - Restless
Ellie woke up suddenly, every thought in high definition. Her eyes took in every ray of light and, without a doubt, she knew she had slept for too long. The noises were of a day in full swing. The lights of late morning shone into her slowly opening eyes, and she brought her hands to guard them. Everything about her felt heavy, from her arms to her feet. Though her eyes were open, she couldn't think of why; her heart was pounding, mind empty. It was as if a hypodermic of adrenaline had been emptied into her carotid. Upon attempting to sit up, her brain replayed the last few scenes from last night, and Ellie looked to the left.
The other side of the bed was free, the sheets crumpled on the side where he had lied last night. Even though he was physically absent, she could still see him lying on his side, facing her. The way his white bangs curled at the tips fell downward over his closed eyes, accompanied by a slow, rhythmical breathing that expanded and sank his chest. Unlike Ellie, he didn't cover himself with the blanket last night, but the morning cold didn't seem to bother him. He seemed so relaxed and… peaceful. It was unlike anything she had seen from him since she learned he was alive. He was gone now. Where, Ellie couldn't guess, but he left her alone in the morning.
Ellie touched her lips and instantly remembered Ben pressing his own against hers. They kissed. They were kissing last night. The sudden fluttery sensation in her stomach made the heat rush into her cheeks, and Ellie turned her head away, bringing the pillow up on her lap and burying her face in it. We were kissing last night! Ben was kissing me! The thought alone made it all worse. The way Ellie remembered it, it seemed much more like a dream. It happened too fast and was unexplainable. Or perhaps not. They were talking outside on that bench near the church. Why were they outside on Ben's birthday? Right, she left the party early. She left because she saw Julia lying atop of him? I wasn't jealous! Not at all! She was jealous as hell. And she boiled inside when she saw them in his room, wanting to rip her head right then and there.
Ben found her outside and tried to talk his way out of it all. She frowned when she remembered how easily he had succeeded. Then they talked and talked and talked… and he kissed her. Just like that! How dare he?
But she liked it. No, she loved it. That one kiss was the trigger. The one trigger that made her realize that it was all that she wanted from him. Which was basically all of him. She wanted him all to herself, and only for herself. Suck on that, Julia! The way they were last night… a mere thought of it made her feel hot all of sudden, and the fireplace was as cold as ever. She couldn't shake that feeling away. Since Dina, she's gotten used to sleeping and waking up alone. She'd wake up and work until she got tired and all the things that needed to be done were done. She listened to music alone, and would paint alone. Although it was hard at first, everything seemed simple until she thought about it. She even came to enjoy the loneliness a little bit, knowing the freedom that came with it. But after last night, she didn't want to be alone. She gazed at the side of the bed where Ben was lying last night. Why were her feelings for him intensified by his absence?
That made her guess where he'd gone. Wherever he was, Ellie somehow knew it would be hard to look him in the eye after last night. Maybe hard was not the word, but rather awkward. Why'd it have to be so awkward with him every single time? And that was the craziest part of it all. It was awkward, yet it felt natural. She loved Dina, but hadn't felt like this since Riley. With Ben, it was different. All the time they spent together when they were younger led up to this. That day in the mountains, some four years ago, the day she met him seemed like an eternity away from the present. She was his first friend in Jackson, and their connection was instant. He never revealed much about his life prior to coming to Jackson, his life in St. Louis, but neither did Ellie reveal much about what happened with Joel, her immunity or Riley. Back then, only Joel and Tommy knew about the immunity. Then Dina, too, although she didn't believe it at first. So why didn't she tell Ben about it? Ellie stalled getting up for another hour, rolling around in the sheets, biting her lips and wondering about what happened and what was to come. Last night could potentially change everything. While scared of another change, she was ready to embrace it fully.
Then she screamed into her pillow, feeling another rush of heat in her cheeks. Time went on and on before she finally mustered enough strength to stand up and get dressed for the day. She only had a couple of hours of daylight left and a lot to do.
As soon as she stepped through the front door, she was surprised and additionally awakened by the cold wind that was blowing from the north. Sometimes she hated that the town was so far in the north of the country, where winters were relentless from year to year. She had heard from Joel that winters even further to the north, in a country called Canada, were even worse than in Jackson, which Ellie found hard to believe. Especially due to the fact that this year's winter was even colder than usual.
She was greeted by the scene she had been expecting, a scene she had witnessed day by day since the war with the Wolves ended. People worked tirelessly to return the city to the state it was in before, and at the same time, to make it stronger and more resilient than it was. Settlement leaders, including Maria - who seemed more alive than Ellie had remembered for months - did not tolerate laziness. Certain changes in management have also had an effect. Ellie, as the leader of the scouts and one in charge of patrols, realized just a few days after she received that title how different her way of leadership is from her predecessor. Far from it that her predecessor took the task lightly, it was a man who inherited the position after Joel's death. It was that he wasn't nearly as solid as Joel, nor did he possess his authority, but the scouts did their job, even though the routes were a bit awkwardly designed. Ellie tended to lead with a firm hand, with no tolerance for mistakes, as Joel did. And here, again, she was late to work because she slept for half the day away. She blushed again, remembering everything that had happened last night and hoping that none of the passers-by noticed the blush on her cheeks. Passers-by often greeted her, much more often than before. After all, she was the hero who saved them all, when in fact, she only helped to set up the defenses. The others did their tasks bravely. Did Maria think she was too modest because of that way of thought? Ellie wasn't sure, but in her eyes, the real heroes were fighters who fought outside the walls, hand in hand with the infected.
She smiled at one of the boys that ran past her as she walked towards the stables. Ellie walked inside and the unholy stench of manure and filthy straw almost knocked her shoes off. It was like entering a dirty toilet in the height of summer…one that had gone weeks without being emptied. The stench was considerably easier to bear with since Hugh was put in charge of the building, but it still bit the inside of her nostrils. The horses wagged their tails disinterestedly and growled as she passed them. The animals did not pay attention to her at all. All but one. The scout moved excitedly and nodded when he saw Ellie.
"Hey, boy." she said, stroking his brown mane. "Sorry I didn't take you out this morning. Don't look at me like that, I can sleep over sometimes." As if he understood her, the Scout moved his head up and down as if nodding in approval.
"I'm not used to you being the one oversleeping." a woman's voice came from behind her. Emily smiled insidiously at her as she stood beside her.
"I guess I'm tired." Ellie said the first thing that came to her mind, not stopping to caress her horse's mane. "The last few days have been really tiring. New routes and such."
"Yes, yes. New routes."
Ellie raised an eyebrow, but didn't know what to say.
"You know, Ben didn't come home last night." Emily said that Ellie almost tripped on her own two feet while standing still. "He came in early this morning, I caught him at the front door."
Ellie smiled uncertainly, "You've been waiting for him all night?"
"No. I just woke up earlier for the patrol. Some of us don't oversleep our duties." Emily smirked in a mocking manner. She was not the type of person that'd judge Ellie for oversleeping, but she was rather hard to put up with once she started mocking.
"Did everything go well?" Ellie tried to change the subject.
Emily sighed, "A few runners, one clicker. Just another everyday sight in Wyoming, you know how it is. What's got into you all of the sudden? Why are you so stiff? Sheesh, relax. Ben didn't tell me anything."
Ellie's eyebrows arched upwards, wrinkling her forehead as she tried to play it off innocently. "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."
Emily smiled devilishly again, "Don't think I'm sticking my nose in something that's not my thing, it's just interesting to me." What was so interesting? "He's put up these walls, yet it seems these walls are down when he's with you. He sees something in you."
"See what?" She tried her best and prayed she wouldn't blush again. Memories from last night came again.
"You're special to him. I think you're the only one that can help him get out from..." she frowned, her eyebrows narrowing into each other. "...whatever the dark place he found himself in."
Ellie sighed and leaned on Scout's side. Horse neighed in response, arching his head to the side to look at her. "I don't know. I uh..."
"Also, Maria told me to find you. She wreaked havoc in her path when she realized you weren't at your post this morning. Apparently, she wanted me to tell you about the Gypsies."
"Gypsies?" Maria wreaked havoc this morning? That almost made her chuckle with satisfaction. Maria was turning back to her old self, and Ellie could not be happier for that.
"Two of them came to settlement this morning, separated from the rest of the group. They said the Gypsies are wrong about their ways. I can't even blame them. The boy is an eager one too, I must add. He wants to be on patrols."
Ellie scoffed, "Yeah, sure. Joel didn't let me on patrol unsupervised for almost two years. I'll have to see this kid myself if I'm to let him ride along. Not to mention he's a Gypsy too. They're… you know."
"Soft." Emily said what Ellie meant, to which she simply shrugged her shoulders. When you have the time, go and see the kid. He was looking for you anyway once he learned you're the boss."
"Hah! The boss. Alright, thanks for letting me know.." Ellie said watching Emily leave, leaving her alone with the Scout. She patted the horse's mane, sighing deeply. She was already exhausted even though her day had just started. And the patrolmen were already returning! She overslept heavily. Not Ben, though. He left whenever in the morning. He left. He left her alone. That thought infuriated her. How dare you leave like that after what happened last night? Asshole. What if…? No, she didn't even want to think about it, but she couldn't help it. What if he went back to Julia? After all, she was sitting on top of him in his room last night. You fucking asshole! She was jealous, and she couldn't lie to herself anymore. It was strange how thinking about Ben – in any way – helped push Dina completely out of her mind. It was like that with him. When their relationship grew distant, she hooked up with Dina. Once he became an active part of her life again, no one else mattered in that way. I swear to God, if you're with Julia…
"Hey, Ellie," one of the patrolmen said as he returned his horse to the of them were returning and resigning from their positions. It snapped her out of her thoughts and waved back at the patrolman, who in return gave her a merry smile. Another one came her way, this one stopping to inform her of what they've learned on patrol. It was more or less the same as what the others said, until he mentioned the cache with all kinds of useful stuff that the Wolves left behind in one of the towns to the west. He said they carried as much as they could, but they didn't even scratch the surface. What he mentioned were the provisions, ammunition, and medicine, all stashed up in the bank vault. It was a good place, easy to defend, even easier to lock the vault in case of an attack. When she asked about the safe combination, he told her he killed a woman for it, a woman with a WLF stitched under her left shoulder. Could it be that there were more of them left? No matter how many they kill, there always seems to be more of them creeping out of somewhere. But to think that such a force that held Seattle in a tight grip could fall apart so badly, it was almost hard to swallow. In the end, it seemed that Solomon wasn't right about the fact that every Wolf left Wyoming. Still, those that remained hardly posed any threat to the settlement.
"Thanks for telling me. I'll organize the raid tomorrow." Ellie finished and patted the man's shoulder as she walked past him. On her way to… somewhere, even though she didn't know exactly where, she was stopped by several more patrolmen, asking about the new schedule and pairings. Those questions were quite tiring, and Ellie would much rather just run away somewhere, but it was her responsibility now. She gained a high position in the Jackson hierarchy and was aware of her influence and standing in the town. Only now did she finally understand Joel, remembering how he had missed many movie nights in the past because of his responsibilities. And to think that she even blamed him for it! How silly of her, but the thought amused her. The thoughts of their dumb fights, and Ellie's stupid pride to let it go. She was never truly angry at him, except when she learned the truth about the Fireflies. Then it occurred to her that she basically forgot about it, her immunity. With all that was happening and had happened, with the horde and the Wolves and Ben, the one thing that made her unique was the last thing on her mind. Dina was the only one alive that knew. Even Ben didn't know. Should I tell him, after last night? I probably should. But then, there was the question of whether he'll believe it or not. Dina certainly didn't when she told her nearly a year ago in that basement.
She shook her head moodily, pushing those thoughts out of her head. There were a couple of other obligations that she had to finish, and she didn't want to allow herself to be disturbed by anything until she finished everything. On top of that, she had to clean her home, in case ... no! She won't think of him now. First obligations, then everything else. And now, where are these two Gypsies?
x
Before the sunset, when the wind settled down, promising a calmer night than the one before, people still worked tirelessly. Everyone worked harder than usual, builders built, watchmen tended to the towers, looking for potential signs of danger. But even days after the battle, people rejoiced in the victory that was achieved. Those that tended to the dam returned to their families - who were replaced by Big Paul and his group - added their own celebration to that of the builders, scouts, and sentries, and their shouts and singing blended with the songs played on radios. The church balcony overlooked the town square, blazing with people in a rush to complete their daily chores before the nightfall.
Ben pulled the tendon all the to his right ear, peaking at the target with only one eye open, holding the arrow firm and tight. The arrow pierced the air with the swish as soon as he released, landing right in the middle next to four others. He was aware of his aim and sharpshooting skills and knew he lacked no practice, but peace of being alone in the archery range was satisfying. Especially after a whole day on the outside. Annabel felt unusually restless in his head today. He had to put up with her whining and giggling all day long, ever since he left Ellie's place. He tried not to think of her today. Because each time he did was a drawback to what he had planned to do. Sweat glistened on his face as he pulled another arrow to nock it for firing, each move precise yet distant from where he floated in the void. The void was his safe place, where he remained hidden from all emotions and sensations of the material world. Another one pierced the target in the middle, splitting the first arrow in two.
"Good." Leaning against the railing with her arms folded across her chest, Emily watched him critically. Ben was one of the best archers in the settlement, but no one could best the master and the one who taught him. His sister. "You are doing well, but don't stand so stiff. You can't become a master bowman in a few weeks."
The void vanished like a prickled bubble. "I don't care as long as I hit my target."
"It's a masterfully crafted bow. Use it as if you were a master bowman."
"I just want to hit what I need to hit." His hand tightened on the fine leathery grip. I just want to be able to kill whatever came at me. He swung the bow around his shoulder. "Besides, I don't have a few weeks."
"Then you've not changed your mind?"
"Would you?" Emily's expression had not altered; the flat planes of her face looked as if they could not change. "You won't try to stop me?"
"You can do as you will, Ben." This answer prompted a raised eyebrow on Ben's part. Emily didn't seem like herself. He fully expected her to barrage him with her arguments as of why he should stay. She straightened and looked at him sideways, eyebrows furrowed. "But I'd lie if I said you're not making a mistake."
"Nah, I don't think so."
Emily smirked in her usual playful way, "Not even a night with Ellie changed your mind?"
"What are you talking about?" he attempted to play it off.
She laughed and shook her head, "Oh, come on. It's not like you spent the night talking about the purpose of human existence. It's written all over your face. Something happened last night."
"So what if it did?" he shrugged, "Nothing's changed.
"I still think it's a mistake, though. As a matter of fact, it's pretty cowardly."
"I'm not a coward. I'm-"
"You're doing this for us, I know. Still, I think you're a coward."
A coward? I sneaked into the pit of snakes to get her ass out, and this is what she's got to say. That I am a coward? "How is it cowardly?"
"Remember what dad said?" she smirked, evading answering his question, her blue eyes flashing dangerously. Ben braced himself for another argument. She was so annoying sometimes! "You remember dad at all?"
"Watch it."
"He wanted the three of us to stick together. You want to know why? Because the three of us were all that was left at the time. We had each other."
"And look how that turned out!" Ben immediately regretted what he said. Emily's face turned red from anger, and she stormed towards him in long steps, arms straightened and fists clenched at her waist.
"How dare you?"
Ben sighed, "I didn't mean to say that. I… um, damn it."
"For fuck's sake, Ben. You've got responsibilities. Big Paul and his men are controlling the dam, as it was agreed upon. But they are like rabid dogs. They killed more than a fair share of not only Wolves, but Gypsies as well. Somebody's got to put a leash on them, and you're the only one they're listening to."
You killed Gypsies too, Annabel whispered in his head. You sliced that girl open and left her to die.
I need no reminders, Ben growled. "I'll talk to Big Paul before I leave."
"And how long is that going to last once you leave? Who knows what's going to happen once one of them snaps and kills one of us? That'd be on you."
Ben tossed the bow angrily to the side, and got into her face as the bow bounced away, "I didn't ask them to come, Emily! Will you back off?"
"Jesus Christ, Ben. Sometimes, you're impossible."
"Don't lecture me."
Emily raised her hands in resignation, "Fine, whatever. You aren't going to listen to me anyway. You're such a jerk, you know that?"
"Get used to it."
She growled at him and walked away with her nose held high. The audacity! He wanted to pick the bow up and break it in half just to release the anger that boiled inside. What was it she said about Ellie? Did last night change anything? Nothing's changed! It must not change! A part of him was regretful for the way he had acted towards his sister. Another was regretful for Ellie. Then everything came back, just as usual. All the bad things he'd done, the sins he'd have to live with for the rest of his life. He felt anger because it turned out the way it was. Wherever he walked, death followed. Perhaps it was the way of the world, but it wasn't right. How many more need to die for him to find peace? Perhaps he'll never find it. He felt anger, but no sorrow. There was no room for sorrow anymore.
My mama was annoying too, Annabel whispered at the backside of his thoughts, her voice growing louder with each word, melodic voice suddenly twisting into a growl. She's dead now. Emily's annoying too. Let's play with her!
I'm not you, Ben thought. I have to harden myself. "What are you looking at?" he said aloud to the couple that stopped in the street, staring at him. They rapidly turned and walked away, the girl turning over her shoulder to give him one last, brief look.
You're harder than I ever was, Annabel said. Suddenly she giggled. If you're not me, then who are you?"
He wanted to tell her off, but words were out of his reach. It was almost as if she was right. Muttering under his breath, he picked up the bow and fired another arrow.
