Chapter 43 – To heal again

The house seemed largely unfinished. The living room's tall wooden panels were pale and stained, cracked and overgrown with roots that dried and blackened in cold weather. The vermin inside were dealt with. Two runners lay dead in the upstairs bedroom, and all that remained was to look for any supplies they could use, though Ellie doubted they'd find any. Most of these places were cleaned out long ago. Cleaned out of everything but the infected, the endless number of them. One would think that their numbers would thin with the years that passed, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Leaning on the wall with arms folded under her chest, Ellie observed the Gypsy boy who opened drawers and counters in the living room and the kitchen. His name was Nathan. Nathan, like many other Gypsies, wore brightly colored clothing. The bright purple shirt was hard to look at, especially when combined with the cyan trousers. Where the hell do they find those clothes? But his attire was seemingly the only thing that made him a Gypsy. He lacked a certain gentleness. Those two runners from before were his doing, and he dealt with them quite skillfully, though he wasted a bullet, for which Ellie reprimanded him. In the outside world, there was no room for error. And the waste of ammunition was a big one. Initially, Ellie wasn't keen on letting him come, but he bugged her the whole night and morning until she finally decided to let him. Why was he so eager to go on patrol? Perhaps to prove himself? Time would tell.

"Let's go, there's nothing left." She said, to which he motioned her to wait with his hand.

Ellie leaned over the bar to watch him pull his hand deep under the sink on his knees, as if searching every nook and cranny for the possibility that there was something hidden inside. With a dull thumping sound, he jerked his hand and pulled his hand out of the counter. He stood up and looked at her, a wide smile on his face. Nathan was an average looking boy, the most prominent feature being his bright green eyes. His brown hair was cut short, just like most of the Gypsies. He held two cans of beans in his right hand. "People always hide stuff, you just have to know where to look. My sister taught me that."

His sister. Nathan said that's why he remained while the rest of his folk left, so he could look for her. Still, that didn't explain why he wanted to enlist for patrols. Perhaps the only reason Ellie let him go was that Jackson lacked manpower after the battle with the horde. However, she had to admit that he had a knack for finding supplies. This isn't the first house where Ellie missed something and he found it. Shoving the cans deep into his backpack, he looked at her hopefully, "Let's stay here a while longer and look for more."

"Since when are you the boss?" Nathan's face turned red when scoffed at, and he quickly turned his gaze elsewhere, embarrassed. "Besides, it's getting late, and this isn't a real patrol. I only brought you with me to see how you'd handle yourself."

He nodded and put his backpack on. Even the backpack was strikingly green. The Gypsies were a weird bunch. On the way back, they didn't talk much. Nathan was a quiet boy, unlike his younger sister, who talked Ellie's ears off last night. When Ellie asked them why they left their group, they said they wanted to look for their oldest sister, who disappeared a couple weeks back. Though Solomon and the rest of the group were certain she was dead, they never tried to talk them out of it and only wished them luck in finding her. If anything, Ellie hoped he'd find his sister, but she found it hard to be optimistic. If his sister hadn't returned till now, it was more probable that she was dead than alive. But then, who knew? She thought Ben was dead, and look how that turned out.

Thinking about Ben made her frown. She hadn't seen him since he left her place yesterday morning. They didn't even talk about everything that happened that night. True, she didn't exactly go looking for him, but since he left her like that… Focus, Ellie. Ben is the least important thing right now. How she wished that were true so she wouldn't hesitate to smack him on the head when she sees him.

"Did I do good today?" Nathan's sudden question almost dropped her from the saddle. He was a good rider, holding his back straight and balanced, and his horse listened to him.

"Meh, not bad for a Gypsy." She grinned at him, to which he blushed. "I'll let others know that you're up for the training. There should be a good teacher for you among them."

"Thanks, Ellie." His face brightened and he returned a broad smile, saying, "Next time, I won't waste that bullet. I promise you."

"Know what, I think I might just have a guy for you." They looked at each other from the saddles as they slowly trotted towards the settlement, "If he actually wants to help anyone. My friend Ben is good at sneaking around." Saying he was a friend was such a weird thing now, yet she didn't know what other word she could use.

"Ben Walker?" he asked with interest.

Ellie nodded, "Yep. Ben Walker. You know him?"

"Heard about him."

Like so many others, he heard about him. There wasn't a single person in these parts that didn't know the legend of Ben Walker, the man who defeated the Wolves.

"What did you hear?" She demanded to hear.

The tone of kid's voice was cold, his face expressionless when he said, "I heard he nails people to the trees."

The man who defeated the Wolves and ordered them nailed to the trees. At least, that's what people believed, which Ellie found hilarious but also infuriating at the same time. While Ben never ordered anyone to be nailed to the tree, he was really close to it at one point, that night. She could never forget it. Ben Walker, a man made of stone, orders the WLF survivors to be executed with those cold blue eyes. No, not stone. Metal. He was as cold and lifeless as metal that night. The scary truth, though, that wasn't even the worst part. But Ellie knew the truth, the real Ben was hidden deep inside. Still, it made sense why people believed it, yet Ellie hated it anyway. It wasn't too long ago that everyone knew Ben as this shy, kind, average everyday guy who wouldn't hurt a fly.

"He saved you, Nathan. Gypsies are free because he set you free."

He scoffed, "Maybe, but we could've saved ourselves."

Ellie wanted to smack him on the head, but she restrained herself. She wasn't in the mood to argue.

"Let's race on the way back!" Nathan exclaimed and looked ahead of himself, suddenly kicking his heels into the sides of his horse. The animal neighed and quickened its pace rapidly.

"Hey, hold up! You don't know the- ah, this fucking kid." Ellie mumbled angrily and quickened Scout's pace to a gallop to follow the boy.

The settlement gates opened rapidly on the sight of two riders galloping towards them. The sentries that manned the two towers raised their rifles in the firing motion out of caution, but put them down as soon as they recognized who the riders were. Ellie had to give it to the kid, he was a great rider, even though his mare was no match for Scout's speed and agility. She slowed down the pace just a bit to pass through the gates, but still maneuvered Scout as not to give Nathan the opportunity to overtake her and take the lead.

"Good boy." Ellie said with a smile, stroking the mane from her saddle, but all the kindness faded away from her face when she looked at Nathan, who was pulling the reins right next to her. There was defeat in his eyes because she won the race, but he didn't seem to be a bad sport about it.

"Congrats, you know how to ride a horse." He said and reached out with his hand for a handshake.

"You pull shit like that again? You won't go near the stables at all, let alone be a regular on patrol," she slapped the hand away.

"S-sorry." he lowered his eyes, embarrassed. "It won't happen again."

"Fuck no, it won't!"

"Does that mean I can patrol tomorrow?"

"We'll see." Ellie frowned and turned the Scout around to lead him to the stables. Once she put her mount away in the stables, she signed the sheet, writing down the time of return right next to where she had written down the time of deparature some six hours ago. She examined the list of names, and saw Ben's name near the top. He signed in a couple hours before her. However, nothing was recorded of his return. There was just a blank space. Ben was still outside, and today was not his turn to patrol. Where did he go? Maybe she should look for him. But if he left just like that, maybe he wanted to be alone. Ellie was happy that he opened up to her, but she always gave him space when he needed it. He'll come back once he feels better. The snow was falling again, large snowflakes turning in the water on the touch with her auburn hair. It was hard to think that spring was still a couple months away, considering the snow seemed to last a whole eternity. After days of hard work, people decided to give themselves a short break, playing outside with kids or walking and talking, warming themselves by the fires upon which they roasted pork, chicken, and lamb. Jackson never had trouble with food shortages, and people were always well fed. There were fewer mouths to feed after the battle. As sad as it was, it did help with the supplies, resulting in an accumulation of food and beverages.

As the hours went on, Ellie leaned on the fence of the sentry tower above the town, looking down over the darkened streets and houses. The tower was on the innermost side of the town, so she could see over it, past the buildings, towards the woods and mountains beyond. The night fog rolled in across the clearing between the wall and the woods, hanging above the crisp white surface. It seemed like a reflection of the clouds high above. Those clouds glowed with a phantom pearl light, cast by a moon she could not see.

The fog barely reached well over the walls. It hung over the streets, cleaned of snow, churning. She could feel the storm to the north, another blizzard brewing high up in the mountains. Wyoming winters were harsh and rarely merciful, and for those six or seven years she lived in Jackson, she couldn't remember them being any different. The fog, though, was a rare sight. Out there, it was often herald to winds, and this night was no exception. She pulled her hood close, breathing in the cold air that made her throat throb. The air was mixed with the cooking smell and other inevitable scents of the settlement. Refues, packed, bodies, soot and smoke from fires and stoves. Sometimes, she missed being out on the road. Free and with only one mission. Survival. Living in the settlement had its merits and perks, such as a warm bed every night and food on the table. But it also came with far more responsibilities, especially for a person in Ellie's position. Being a member of the leading group in the settlement, Ellie was thus responsible for the lives of other people. She was surprised at how quickly she came to accept the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her, and that by being selfish, she'd just put at risk everything people had accomplished. By being selfish, she risked ruining everything that was built by Maria, Tommy, Joel, and so many others. And by the looks of it, it seemed that it'd soon be her turn to build something here, to provide and to lead. It was a scary thought, and she wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but she accepted it. It was the right thing to do. Joel would be proud of the woman she had become.

Still, it was difficult not to feel wistful.

"There," Jesse said, voice edged with anticipation. Along with Dina and Ellie, he stood looking in the direction he pointed to. Ellie was glad to see him standing on his own, without help, but it was as clear as day that his wounds still hadn't healed properly. Stubborn as he was, Dina wasn't able to keep him in the bed for much longer. "If I stay in bed for another hour, I'll put a pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger." he told Ellie when she came to visit him earlier that day. Ellie had almost decided against accompanying the two of them, as she felt tired from today's duties. However, the prospect of seeing the clicker that walked in circles and looked as though it was dancing had been too enticing.

Out beyond the clearing, there were only shrubs, stunted trees, and a shadowed bit of broken branches. But it only seemed so. Squinting her eyes – she couldn't see much in the dark – she noticed a figure, no, a sillhoulette just on the edge of the barren clearing. A moment later, she could see it better. A clicker, jumping around as if in a frenzy, waving and clawing the air with its fingers. Unlike other clickers, this one made different motions, though still unpredictable like any other. Ellie could see why Jesse found it funny, but she still shivered.

"I do not see the reason for so much fuss, Jesse," Dina said sternly, folding her arms. "It's just another stupid clicker. A stupid clicker is not a reason you should be out of bed. "

Jesse scoffed, "Jeez, let me enjoy the fresh air for a bit."

"You can enjoy it as much on the porch of your house." she fired back, rolling her eyes.

"You know what I mean, Dina."

Dina frowned, but said nothing more. Their little arguments reminded her of the time when the two of them had just started dating. Whenever Ellie was third-wheeling them, they'd argue all the time. It seemed they were on the right path to being a couple again. Strangely, Ellie wasn't jealous at all. She grinned.

"What's that smile?" Jesse asked, leaning forward on the fence.

Ellie shook her head, "It's nothing, I'm just nostalgic."

"About what?" asked Dina, leaning next to Jesse. Their bodies were touching and neither of the two seemed to mind.

Ellie hooked a hanging lock of her hair behind her right ear, it has grown longer. "It's just the two of you arguing over little things, like before."

Jesse laughed, "Those were the simple days. I kinda miss them, you know."

"I miss the parties." Dina said, "After JJ was born, I hardly have any time for them."

Jesse scoffed, "I miss sleep. Little bastard isn't giving me any."

Dina rolled her eyes, "You hardly do anything! I'm the one that's shushing him and singing him back to sleep. You just turn around and start snoring in no more than twenty seconds."

"I don't snore!" Jesse made an offended grimace. "Not loudly, I hope."

"You snore loud as hell." Ellie confirmed with a laugh.

"Yeah, whatever," he said, "Besides, I never took you for a 'reminiscing about the past' type of person, Ellie."

Ellie's eyes were still locked somewhere to the north, "I'm not usually, but I guess I changed a bit too."

"Speaking of change," Jesse leaned a bit closer to her, "How is he? I haven't seen him since his birthday."

There was no need to tell her who he was. Ellie felt a stab of worry, then anger toward Ben. Frowning to herself, she looked up. "I don't know. Ben is difficult to read, and he doesn't talk to me much." That last part was a lie, but the other two didn't need to know. What Ben told her about his time in captivity, he told her in confidence. She understood his pain and his struggles. She may not be as hurt as he was, but she could relate to the pain.

What to do about Ben, then? One day, he didn't want Ellie's help – or anyone's help – but that was nothing new. He'd been just as stubborn as before he turned into what he was today. That never stopped Ellie in dealing with him what seemed to her a right way, even when he was as stubborn as a mule. She had half a mind to stride to his place and give him an earful.

Except, Ben wasn't the same person as he was before. The old, stubborn Ben that cracked lame jokes hadn't had this strangely menacing aura. Those blue eyes that once harbored all the kindness in the world now seemed cold, and dark. He'd kill without a second thought, and he was good at it. Very good. But as threatening and intimidating as Ben could be, he'd sooner chop off his own hand than raise it to harm Ellie. She was certain of it.

"He's unstable," Dina said matter-of-factly, "I know something bad happened to him, but what we've seen since he came back, that's not normal. That's not sane."

Ellie turned her head away, hoping Dina wouldn't see her brows furrowing in irritation. It wasn't new that she held herself at a distance, ever since they returned to the settlement. "Didn't you try to talk me into helping him, Dina?"

"I did, but I didn't know how bad it is."

"He's still the same guy deep inside, Dina."

"Don't say that, Ellie. I've seen things with my own eyes. I still care about him, but the old Ben doesn't exist anymore."

"I didn't see anything, but I heard about it." Jesse spoke between the two of them, allowing himself a sad smile. The smile disappeared a second later. "Ben, Ben, Ben…" Ellie and Dina both gave him the side eye. It was as if Jesse was trying to talk to Ben directly. "For you to become this strong, you didn't have a choice, did you?"

"What are you talking about?" Dina asked.

He looked at her, then at Ellie. "I don't know what happened to him in Seattle, but a burden fell on his shoulder. Ben was always strong. Mentally, I mean. Whatever the hell was what changed him, I don't know if many people would've survived it. Hell, his hair is white! What kind of pain a person has to go through to reach that point? I just know that he feels the need to protect all of us, just like before. Otherwise, would he risk his life for us so many times after coming back?"

Ellie smiled, "When Julia and I were almost overrun by the horde, he appeared out of nowhere throwing molotovs. It was like a scene from a movie. He gave us his horse and took them face on all by himself. I still don't know how he managed to survive that."

"Since when did Ben become so cool?" Jesse laughed.

Dina looked embarrassed, and lowered her gaze. "I guess you're right, in a way. But still-"

"No but. I don't want any of it. Ben Walker slander is not allowed around here!" He said it with such pride that it made Ellie burst out laughing. Oh Ben, you dumb idiot. If only you understood how many friends you actually had, you might not feel so alone. Dina laughed too, provoking Jesse's annoyed reaction when the two girls mocked him for it.

"But," he announced, "That doesn't explain why the two of you suddenly left the party. Is there a valid explanation for that, Ellie?" Jesse had that devilish look in his eyes, and there was a hint of a smirk on the corner of his mouth. What was this sudden change of subject?

"I don't know about him, but I left to my place," Ellie said, hoping the night would hide the redness on her face. Ellie wasn't ready to tell them the truth. At least, not until she talked to Ben about it. And she was going to talk to him about it. He can't hide from her forever.

"Why'd you leave?" Jesse demanded to know, a smirk still hanging on his face.

"I wasn't feeling well."

"It didn't look like it."

"I don't care what it looked like."

Jesse laughed, "That's a shame. At least my boy got it up with Julia."

He what?, Ellie thought bitterly. Dina just rolled her eyes.

"They went upstairs, I saw them." Jesse said innocently, giving Ellie a side-eye.

"Together?" Dina asked.

"I don't think so. But she was all over him the whole night. Something must have happened between them."

"Nothing happened." Ellie hissed, surprising herself with the tone of her voice. She immediately regretted it. Jesse raised an eyebrow with interest.

"You talk almost as if you'd mind it." Jesse continued to tease. Yes, that's what it was. He was teasing her. That must be it. "I mean, wouldn't you be happy for your friend? I don't think Ben had a girl before. And Julia is very pretty, so I'd say that Ben scored big. Wouldn't you agree, Dina? Ouch!" He gasped when she elbowed him again. Dina just gave him a mean look that said Stop.Jesse didn't lie, though. Julia was very pretty, much prettier than Ellie. There's no way Ellie could compete with her. That girl couldn't look bad even if she tried!

The clicker still walked around in circles, making irregular patterns that had no shape, tripping over its own legs and falling back into the snow, only to get back up and repeat the cycle. It was truly a weird clicker. Ellie searched for words she could use to give an answer to what Jesse had just said. Yes, she was indeed glad he couldn't see the redness in her face. Even the chilly, northern wind could not cool the blood that rushed into her cheeks. "There's nothing to be happy for. I mean, nothing happened with Julia."

"And how do you know?"

When are you going to stop with the questions, Jesse? "I-" She stopped midsentence when she saw a flash between the trees. Something white flashed for a moment, near the clicker. Then it flashed again, just for a moment, now closer to the infected. And once more. A figure on a horse emerged from the woods, and those flashes were the reflections of the blade reacting to the moonlight that peeked through the thick clouds. All three of them were focused on the figure in the dark. They stood in silence, watching with anticipation. The rider held the machete high in his left hand, and the horse suddenly spurred forward. A lightning quick swing was followed by a muffled sound of slicing the meat when the rider took the clicker's head off.

"And there goes our fun." Jesse said with disappointment, eyeing the rider curiously. Ellie noticed the fingers of her right hand caressing the handle of Joel's revolver. Being cautious was never a mistake.

"Your fun," Dina made sure to correct him. "You're such a child sometimes." She added, under her breath."

"Since when have you become such a mood killer, Dina?"

"Shut up, you two." Ellie said angrily, "The rider's moving towards us."

Whoever it was on the horse, he sat straight in the saddle, riding relaxed and with confidence. Not like someone new to these parts and cautious of an unknown settlement. It was a rider from Jackson. A few moments later, the silvery white hair that stood out in the darkness was more than enough for Ellie to recognize the rider.

"What's he doing outside so late?" Dina asked, her voice low.

"I'm sure Ben has his reasons." Jesse said, defensively but still with a little hesitation. Dina just sighed. "We should open the gates for him." He added and grabbed the mechanism on the other side of the tower, twisting it slowly. He grunted several times, obviously in pain, which resulted in Dina reprimanding him for straining himself. In the end, Dina made him let go of the mechanism and let Ellie open the gates. The wooden mechanism was very useful, connecting the gates to the towers and allowing them to open and close from a distance. The gates opened and Ben rode through into the settlement. The three of them looked at him from above, but he looked straight ahead, never bothering to lift his head up.

"Well, that was charming." Jesse noticed, "You're welcome, man. Don't mention it."

"Rude." Dina mumbled. Ellie just ignored it and went downstairs, leaving Jesse and Dina to bicker without her. Stopping in the middle of the road, she reminded herself how she decided not to go after him until he talked to her first. But then, a tiny voice in her head said, "Screw it." and she marched straight after him. Ellie didn't care what Jesse or Dina might think about this. All she cared about was him and the talk they were about to have.

Ben was walking out of the stables when she saw him again. He wore a dark poncho that fell all the way down to his waist, hiding his arms with only his fingers sticking out. Though his hair was tousled up, and though he looked exhausted, his eyes were alert. Alert and staring at something in the distance. His eyebrows furrowed, and his lips parted and closed as if he was mumbling. Then he growled at something, maybe himself? Ellie shivered. Did his psyche deteriorate so much? Ben stopped once he saw her standing in front of him, arms folded under her chest.

She looked at his face, lips sealed. His white hair that almost hid his eyes almost gleamed in the dark. Even though he seemed half insanse at times, Ben had a determined bearing to him. A stride that was firm, each step confident, eyes straight ahead. He was beautiful. Ellie almost hesitated.

"Ellie," Ben declared, "What are you doing here?"

It was getting harder and harder to see in him the boy she had known in the past. She reminded herself that the boy had grown into a man. It was just hard to get used to it. "Why are you late?"

"I went to the dam to talk to Big Paul and the rest. Why?"

"You kiss me," she said, ignoring his question, "and you fall asleep with me, on my bed."Her voice was soft, yet commanding. "You tell me how you've waited so long to kiss me and to confess your feelings, but then you just disappear without a word."

"Ellie, I-"

"Shut up, I'm talking!" Ellie hissed, unaware that she was slowly walking towards him, "You're such an asshole, Ben. And if you say, 'I know', I'm going to punch you in the throat."

"You don't get it," he said, almost whispering. There was a hint of emotion in his voice, but his face reflected none of it. Show something, damn it! "I have to do what I have to do.

"Speak to me, Ben. What are you thinking?"

"Idle thoughts," he said.

"Share them with me." She managed to put a hint of a question in that.

"Unpleasant thoughts, but if you wish. Annabel speaks to me, I hear her voice." He said it as if he was talking about the breakfast he just ate.

Ellie shivered, "Unpleasant thoughts, yeah."

Still staring somewhere in the distance, he nodded. There was no expression on his face. Ben could teach her more about hiding emotions, but a hint of heat entered his voice. "I have to deal with her, somehow. Sometimes it feels like this is her body. It's almost as if I lose control and I do horrible things because she wants me to do those things. Annabel, she's everywhere."

Much to her surprise, he leaned towards her, taking her hand. Ellie looked down and entangled her fingers into his own tighter, unable to miss those black fingernails. Black from constant strain and torture.

"I'm dangerous, Ellie. You don't want me around."

There was no doubt, he wanted to leave. Sadness welled up in her, yet she managed to keep it out of her voice. "You have to go back," she said quietly.

At last he turned his head, frowning down at her. His clear blue eyes were so cold. They held less of death than they had, of that she was certain, but they were still so cold. "What?"

"Go back to Seattle. Find your closure."

He looked at her for a long time, but at last he exhaled softly, and the tension seemed to left his body. "I can't believe you're telling me this. And here I thought I'd have to fight tooth and nail to make you let me go. Are you sure?"

No, she was not sure. She wanted to cry, to scream at him that he was a fool, that his place was with her in Jackson. Only, she could not say any of that. Bond or no bond, she knew he was torn inside, torn between his sins and his everlasting sense of duty, torn and bleeding as surely as if he had been stabbed with a blade. She could not add to his wound. "Would I tell you this if I wasn't sure?" she said dryly, surprised at how calm she sounded. "I won't like losing you again, but you have your responsibilities, and I have mine." She wanted to go with him, to make sure he not only survives, but comes back to her. Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her to his chest, gently at first, then harder, until she thought he might squeeze all the air from her lungs. She did not care. She hugged him just as fiercely. She wanted to weep, knowing she promised never to leave him again. And knew she must not.

"To face her in the room of black and white." Ben muttered, more to himself than to Ellie. There was a hopeful flash in his eyes. "I killed her there, Ellie. I slashed her throat."

"I know. Now go back there and kill her again."

The northern wind blew harder, filled with chill and snowflakes. Soon, the weather would be harsher and the blizzard would come.

"I want you to promise me." Ellie said quietly as they stood beside each other.

"What promise?" he asked warily.

"That you'll come back to me."

His smile was small, and sad. "You're always giving me hope, aren't you?"

"Someone has to."

"I promise."

She stirred, then snuggled in closer to him, feeling his breath on her neck. Without him seeing, she smiled. She was his weak spot. Why did it fill her with such a pride? She's supposed to at least slap him once for ignoring her for those two days! Instead, she found herself unable to resist. It was strange, with all of his flaws that she didn't seem to mind at all. As cold and indifferent as he seemed, it never changed the way Ellie felt about him. Even the question of his sanity. There was a reason Emily told her she was special to him. Now she knew, she was the only one that could save him, or at least guide him in that path.

"Kiss me." she whispered a moment later. He did, and her toes curled.