A/N: I finally finished this, and boy, I sure am glad for it. Don't forget that this is the double update, just like I promised. The chapter 45 is also available!

Sincerely,

Enjoy.


Chapter 44 – The far snows

Ben could feel Ellie's eyes on him even though he wasn't looking. Sitting upright on her bed, shirtless, he stared at the flames in the fireplace. The sweat broke out, not just because of the heat. He twitched when he touched his back. Even though he knew she was there, he'd always twitch cautiously in similar situations. At least it was better now. Not too long ago, he used to jump at the sight of the shadows.

"It's okay." Ellie whispered, sitting on a bed behind him, observing his scars just as she asked him. God knew he had too many. Scars from cuts and burns inflicted on him by Annabel. Places where she flayed his skin, which never healed properly. Annabel never touched his face, except when she shaved him. You have to stay beautiful, Bennie. We can't ruin that adorable face, can we? The worst one was a scar on his right side, where she pierced him with a metal rod, shining red from the heat. Back then, he lost consciousness from the pain. Even months after, it left an ugly mark on his skin, which still hurt more often than not. Ben frowned, pushing Annabel out of his mind. He hated thinking about her when he was with Ellie. "Are you a virgin?"

Ben bent over in a surprising cough, "What?"

Ellie grinned, "I asked you a question."

"W-why? I kissed a girl. You, I mean. I kissed you."

"Kissing a girl doesn't removeyour virginity, idiot."

"I knew that." She laughed aloud. Ben's face turned red. "It's not that funny."

"It's adorable." She added and rested her head on his shoulder, still behind him. Since when was Ellie all about cuddles and stuff? Not that it bothered him. It was just the thing he had wished for so long, but it still managed to surprise him. Who would've said they led that conversation outside the stables just twenty minutes ago? Turning over his shoulder, he looked at her. She wore a white tank top and shorts, which were usually her sleeping combination. Her auburn hair had grown longer since he came back, long enough she could make a tiny ponytail out of it. But she kept it loose. Her freckled face was still the cutest thing ever, and those big, green eyes had this mystery and beauty that allowed him to get lost in them instantly. It was still surreal. A memory flashed for a short instant. Ben Walker, a quiet boy who left the comfort of his home to chase vengeful Ellie in Seattle. Back then, he didn't know where he stood with her. But now...

"I could teach you, you know." Ellie said with a pause, tilting her head slightly. There was no need to explain what she wanted to teach him.

"I know how to do it."

She laughed teasingly, "You know where to put it?"

Ben furrowed his eyebrows angrily. What does she think? That he was stupid? "I know where to put it." He said sharply.

"What would you do if I kissed you right now?" Ellie asked, biting her lip. Since when was she so direct!

He stared at her beautiful face and her beautiful lips and he wanted nothing more but to taste them again. "I would kiss you back." And he did. More than once. Her eyes opened, clear and deep, green, staring at him seriously from barely an inch away. Then, she seized a handful of his hair and pressed her lips against his harder, and kissed him back with more intensity and heat. That was the end of rational thought, the void inside that kept his calm and emotions at bay shattered. He did not think he could have stopped himself had he wanted to, only he could not think of wanting to, and she certainly did not seem to want him to. In fact, last thought he had of any coherency for a very long time was that he did not think he could have stopped her.

Some considerable time later – two hours, maybe three; he could hardly be sure – he lay on the bed with blanket over him and his hands behind his head, watching Ellie lying on her side, her bare back turned to him. She had a handful of her own scars as well. But other than that, her skin was smooth and silky. She wasn't sleeping and they didn't talk to each other, but this was a moment of silence they both needed. His gaze lifted up, stuck on the ceiling. He never lay with a girl before, not until tonight, that is. Ellie was his first and that nearly brought a smile to his face. Only, he could barely smile. No, I have to be hard. Hard until I kick her out of my head.

"You sure you were never with a girl?" she asked suddenly and Ben felt the heat rushing to his cheeks again. He turned his head when he felt her shifting around to face him. For a brief moment, his eyes darted down and he could see her nude chest just a bit above the blanket. "Eyes up, Romeo."

Could his face turn more red than this? He though if he looked at it, he'd see a tomato instead of a human face. "Shut up."

He hoped he wasn't too bad, considering it was his first time. Ellie probably slept with Dina and Cat a million times by now. She was experienced, and he barely had any experience. Blushing again, he could only hope he wasn't too bad. Ellie certainly seemed to enjoy it, so there was that. But then again, she said she had never slept with a boy before. Interesting. Really interesting. But they didn't talk much about it, nor did Ben feel the need to talk about it. He could not stop a sigh of regret when she began pulling her shirt over her head. "So, are we together now?" Ellie's dark, auburn head popped through the neck of the shirt, and she stared at him flatly, but not unfriendly, either. Determined, though.

"What makes you think that?"

After a moment, he managed to close his mouth. "Ellie, we just… The two of us… Hell, we are together now. Not just because we just had, um… you know," he added hastily. "I want to." He was not sure of that at all, really. He was sure of his feelings towards her. Ben loved Ellie, there was no use denying that. The togetherpart was what worried him. He was so intent on leaving, but then she gave him hope. By telling him to leave! Ellie, of all people? The biggest shock was how it made sense. Annabel was never around when he was with Ellie, but he couldn't be with Ellie's side forever. At some point, he'd have to deal with her. And what's a better way to deal with her than in the place where it all started? There might just be a hope for him. Perhaps, after everything is done, he'd finally stop hating himself and start living his life like normal folk.

She grinned, "I'm just messing with you, idiot."

He rolled his eyes, but could barely resist the urge to grin.

"When are you going to leave?" she asked then, her face serious. "I guess as soon as possible?"

He looked back at the ceiling, "I was thinking in the morning."

"Then we should go to sleep, get you rested." She said and snuggled closer to him, entangling her legs between his. Her skin was hot to the touch under the blankets. "You know, it was better than I expected."

"I won't lie, I tried."

She laughed, "Not because of that, dumbass. It just feels right, after everything."

"What do you mean?"

Ellie pulled her point finger over his chest as she talked, "We've been through so much, both of us. It feels right. Because it's with you.."

He stroked her head, not pulling his eyes away from the ceiling. "It does. You know, I really hated that you spent so much time with Cat at my birthday party."

"I hated the way Julia was all over you."

He nodded, though more to himself. That made sense, he couldn't disagree. "You were with her, all the time. And I was mad about it because I really, really wanted to spend some time with you. Then I went to the room, to be alone for a while."

"And I went upstairs when I heard you were there, because I wanted to talk to you. And, you know the rest."

"I do."

"Bastard."

He smirked, "I made it up to you, though. Even though I was freezing outside when we talked."

"You said you were not cold!"

"I lied."

"What else did you lie about?

"Um, that I thought Cat was a good choice when you first got together with her."

"Hah! I knew it. You always hated her, even back then."

"Maybe."

Snuggled up to each other, they stopped talking for a while. Both enjoyed the warmth of their bodies, under the blanket. Ellie's head was resting on his chest, and he could feel her breath on his skin. It feels right, Ben thought, as though he was only now becoming aware of what Ellie said. He allowed himself another smile.

"You know, I used to mark time in stages, one junction to the next," Ellie started, "There was Boston and Riley phase, and then there was Joel phase, when we travelled across America. Jackson phase, Seattle phase… every time I thought I found what I was looking for, every damn time I came away… disappointed." He was out of words, unable to say anything. He just held her tighter, feeling the closeness between the two. After a while, Ellie stopped moving, and her breaths became deeper. She was sleeping. And soon, so was he.

Next morning, as Ben finished packing his backpack, he hurriedly changed into warmer clothes, then slipped from the room once he was done. The living room was an example of the neat freak that his sister was. There was not a single trace that there was a party there two nights ago. And there she was, leaned into her chair, sipping tea. Emily gave him a stern look, putting down her cup. "That's it, then? You didn't change your mind?"

"No."

She stood up, walking over to him. Seemingly checking out his outfit, she pulled the tough fabric of his poncho. It was dark brown, heavy and warm. Also, one of Emily's birthday gifts. Then she nodded. "Good, it'll keep you warm." Her expression was stern and revealed no emotions, but he knew she was tearing herself up from inside. "Where will you go?"

"Seattle." Her eyes widened, but she just nodded.

"At least, this time, I know you're leaving," she said with a smirk filled with annoyance. "Last time, you left me a fucking letter."

Ben smiled sadly, "There's no letter this time."

"Good. You're a lot like our dad, you know." Where did that come from? "He was always a tryhard in wanting to keep us safe."

"In that regard, you're more like him than I am." He added, teasing her for her overprotectiveness. Emily laughed, understanding the joke and wiping the tears that formed in her eyes.

"I'll come back, Em," he said, weakly. "I'm going to Seattle to make peace with myself."

"Make sure you beat their asses, all those demons nested inside" she said and hugged him. When he looked at her again, there were no more tears in her blue eyes. "Because if you don't, I won't be the only girl that'll miss you."

"I know."

She hugged him again and walked him out. He was sad, but composed. No time for feelings. He hated goodbyes. Emily's not alone, he told himself repeatedly. She'll be fine. William's there, and everyone else. Yes, she'll be fine. The air in the stables smelled of hay, horses, and horse dung, as it always did in the stables. A lean, balding groom with a nose that had been broken more than once sighed when Ben told him he wanted Scout and Stepper saddled. A gray-haired man began work on Ellie's horse, while three aging men made a job of getting Ben's tall stallion bridled and out of his stall. Stepper was almost always restless when led by someone else who was not Ben.

The two of them rode through the gates together, over the clearing and into the woods. For a while, they just rode in silence, with Ellie holding the lead. If he didn't know better, he'd have thought she just wanted to be the one in charge, but no. She was hiding her face from him. Oh no, she wasn't crying, but just wanted to spare him the sad expressions. He was sure of it. The horses rode uphill with almost no trouble, through the well-known forest routes. Soon, they passed the stump where they sat together at the time when they first met each other. At that moment, he realized where she was leading him. The lone tree stood on the top of the hill, overlooking the landscape. Back then, Ben wished he had brought his camera so he could snap a picture, but that didn't stop him from enjoying the view nonetheless. Back then, he was sitting on the grass, leaning against the tree. Ellie sat on one side next to him while Tom sat on the other.

Dismounting, he walked almost over the steep edge, looking at the scenery both below and above. Below, he could see the town in the distance, white-capped roofs and small black dots that represented the hard-working people of Jackson, doing their everyday duties. Above, a yellow ball found its way through the gray clouds, yet the air was still noticeably cooler than on most days of the year. It was very hard not to sigh with relief. He loved this hill; it held a special place in his heart.

"Maybe you should ask Big Paul to spare some men to go with you." Ellie said, standing next to him.

Ben shook his head, "Nah. They'd just slow me down. You want me back as soon as possible, right?"

"I want you back alive."

He shrugged, "This is something I have to do alone."

"Kiss me," her voice was stern, causing Ben to raise an eyebrow, "that wasn't an order. I just want a kiss from my boyfriend." A good-bye kiss. There would be no time for one later. Wait, did she say boyfriend? "Kiss me, or I'll think-" His lips shut off her words. It was surprising how soon he got used to this. He didn't hesitate anymore. Her face grew red, and she pushed away from him unsteadily. They stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. And, at that moment, he hesitated. Deep down, he didn't want to leave her. Not now, when he had everything he wanted to have with her. The girl for whom he gave up so much, but never regretted it. If he could, he knew he'd do it all over again, even if it meant going through the same kind of pain. Neither of them wanted to say those words, the words of goodbye. Ben looked away first.

"I'll see you, Ellie," he finally said.

"Good," she whispered, "You didn't say goodbye."

"Because it's not."

"You're such an asshole."

"I know."

Suddenly, a strong force pulled him towards her, and he realized she held him tight, his head resting on her shoulder. He was never much taller than her, but he was taller enough. "I thought I'd find my truth… somewhere else. But, Ben, you're my truth. You understand? You better come back."

He pushed her away gently, and just as he was about to reply, he heard a movement behind him. Before he could pull out his pistol, a boy in colored attire peeked out behind a tree. A Gypsy. He cursed under his breath, blaming himself for his lack of caution. If it was one of the Wolves, he'd probably already be dead.

"Nathan?" Ellie asked, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

The young boy, his brown hair cut short, stepped out behind the tree, followed by a younger girl in the same colored attire, her brown hair tied in a messy ponytail. Where do they find these clothes?, Ben wondered, unable to even imagine himself wearing it. Gypsies were weird. These two must be the Gypsies he heard about. Their faces were a mix of terror as they stared at him. Nothing he hadn't already seen.

"Are you okay?" Ellie said, stepping forward. "Did something happen? Amelie? Why are you crying?" Now that he looked at her, he saw her eyes, red from tears.

"I'm sorry, Ellie." Gypsy boy's face was ridden with guilt, "I can't lie to you anymore."

"Lie to me?" Ellie asked.

"I never came here for my sister." Nathan whispered, his face suddenly dark. "I knew she was dead all along."

"What are you talking about?"

Ben observed the two Gypsies, trying to figure out what they were about to do. Ellie looked as though she was struggling to find the right words. Amelie was quiet, except for crying. "Then why did you come here?"

Eyes widened when Ben saw the kid pull out a gun lightning fast, outstretching it towards them. "I saw her die," he hissed, "He killed her."

"Woah!" Ellie raised her hands, "What are you doing, Nathan? Put your gun down!"

Ben's skin prickled as he felt helpless. The fingers of his left were caressing his pistol tucked under the poncho. But can he be fast enough? The girl wasn't holding a gun, the boy was his only target. Perhaps she had a hidden too too. No, if she had one, she wouldn't hide it. One clean shot to the head… What are you thinking? They're children!, he scolded himself. But if he doesn't do something soon, he'd not only risk his death, but Ellie's as well. If that boy missed a shot and hit her… He could swear he felt a set of eyes watching him from behind, an uneasy feeling. She was there somewhere, giggling at him from a distance, just like she always did.

"The town we were in was overrun with the horde." Nathan said through tears, his arm trembling. "We escaped, but got separated. I found her, but I was too slow. He jumped her from behind a tree and cut her. He didn't even kill her. He just left her for the infected!"

Ben gasped. He remembered it! It was that Gypsy girl in the woods, the one he dreamed about repeatedly after he killed left her to die.

"I'm sure we can talk about this, Nathan. Just put your gun down." Ellie tried to reason with him, stepping forward. But the boy wasn't listening to reason, and Ben knew it. He grabbed Ellie's arm, to stop her from provoking the boy further. He could shoot only out of fear if he felt threatened by Ellie.

"No!" the boy shouted, "He has to die! She was my sister!"

Ben knew he deserved death. If the boy shot him now, perhaps everything would end and he'd find peace that way. Perhaps it was for the best that way. But that would cause Ellie and his sister pain. There had to be a way out of this. He almost grasped the gun in his hands. He has to be fast enough!

"Shoot him, Nate!" The Gypsy girl commanded, "What are you waiting for? Shoot him!"

The boy yelled, and Ben knew what followed. He was going to shoot, and there was no other alternative. The only way he could save Ellie and himself was to pull out the gun and shoot first, even if it meant killing the has to be fast enough! Fully grasping the pistol, he began to pull out, but then-

BANG

There was no pain, but perhaps it was the adrenaline. The world fell silent while his ears rung from a gunshot. Ben's eyes widened when he realized he still hadn't pulled out his gun. He wasn't the one that fired the shot. Ellie stood in front of him, shifting from foot to foot.

"Ellie?" Ben whispered, reaching out with his hand to her, completely ignoring the two in front of them. The Gypsy siblings just stared at them, motionless and deadly quiet. Nathan dropped the gun and stared with his jaw dropped. When Ben grabbed Ellie's shoulder, her legs gave up and she fell on her side. For a moment, he stared at her, unable to do a thing. She just lay there in the snow that was turning red below her. His Ellie, shot down like an animal. Dying. Ben turned to Nathan, giving him a long stare. Then he growled and pulled out his gun lightning fast and shot. One time, two times, three, and four, and five until he emptied the whole clip. But he only managed to shoot the boy in his arm before they escaped. He was about to run after them when he stopped. The world suddenly seemed more dull around him when he saw Ellie's eyes dazed from the shock of pain.

"No." he whispered in horror, almost cut of air. Dropping to his knees, he took her in his arms, searching for the wound. The blood leaked from a hole below her shoulder, where the heart was.

This can't be happening.

Annabel laughed, and her laughter was the only sound he heard.

Let's play with her, Bennie.

Ben squeezed her harder, feeling the urge to scream from atop of his lungs. Ellie looked at him, her eyes red and teary. She was trying to speak, but only gasps came out. Those beautiful eyes of hers watched him.

This can't be happening!

I've killed her!

This is my fault!

There had to be a way out! Had to be! Ben looked around. Stepper and Scout ran away when the shots were fired. Stupid horses! Tears were lining Ellie's freckled cheeks, her auburn hair disheveled. She was still beautiful.

He scrambled for any source of strength he still had left. He tried with every bit of it to pull her upwards, but stopped when she grimaced in pain. He felt horror, he felt her pain. If he was not careful enough with her, she'd die just because she was carried in the wrong position if not of blood loss.

Ben wailed. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!

Something snapped inside of him. He grew cold; then that coldness vanished, and he could feel nothing. No emotion. No anger.

At that moment, he grew aware that he was lifting her up very carefull and carrying her downhill in his arms. It'd take him longer to reach the settlement on his own two feet, but there were no other options. There was no other way. He has to be strong for her. He has to do what he has to do. He was ice. There were no emotions. In the backside of his head, Annabel was laughing hysterically.

x

Ben sat in the dark corner of the medical wing, staring through the window at the shape of the new moon that protruded with its light through the clouds. It was as if the sky was crying. Other than the moonlight, a small candle on the counter by the bed was the only source of light, even if a bit dim. Ellie lied motionless on her back, with tubes stuck into her arms, connected to a plastic bag filled with liquid that hung above her head. He walked up to her and looked at her pale, freckled face. With her eyes closed like that, Ellie looked as if she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. Her breaths were shallow and short, but she was still alive, although barely. Doctors said she'd survive. If she was shot just an inch lower, her heart would've exploded. And there he was, back at the beginning. Each step forward was followed by two steps back. Whenever he walked, he reaped death and destruction, and the people he loved ended up being hurt. Leaning over her, he kissed her forehead and caressed her cheek. Giving her the last smile, he walked out. Jesse and Dina stood outside the building, waiting for him. When Jesse greeted Ben, he just walked past him, but the two still followed him. They followed him through the streets, towards the main gate. The word spread fast through the town that Ellie was shot. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, many were still awake, as if feeling obligated to patrol the streets in order to keep Ellie safe. Ben noticed they were looking at him sideways and whispering. Whatever they talked about him, good or bad, he brushed it aside. He had no time for other people's thoughts and comments. It was going to be a long night. At the main gate, Big Paul stood waiting with twenty of his men, blood-crazed murderers and lunatics. Just what he needed for this task. He'd do what needed to be done. There was no going back.

Big Paul and the rest looked at him with admiration when he stopped in front of them. Everyone was armed and ready to obey his command, whatever it was. The sentries eyed them with caution, and Ben caught several people staring through the windows of their houses. Everyone was wary of Big Paul and his men, just as they were wary of Ben and watched him with spite and fear. That was too bad, because they'll fear him even more in the future.

The wind intensified, swaying Ben's poncho and silvery white hair. He got straight to the point, ignoring the greetings, "They're probably moving south, to catch up with the rest of their kind."

"How many of them?" Big Paul's voice was a canyon. He towered above everyone else, a truly terrifying sight. The black, unbrushed hair that nearly reached his waist and the thick, full beard hid his face and the Glasgow smile he fancied openly when he was one of the Seraphites.

"Two. A Gypsy boy and a girl."

"What is to be done with them?" Big Paul asked shortly. He was never a man of many words, preferring to end the conversations as soon as the point was proven. Big Paul never wasted his breath on unnecessary words.

"Bring the boy back to me. You can kill the girl."

"No!" Dina objected behind him, grabbing his shoulder to turn him around. "She's just a girl, Ben! Twelve years old. She didn't shoot Ellie. Don't make her die, please! Ellie wouldn't want this!"

"Don't do it, dude. She's a good girl. This isn't who you are." Jesse added. Ben almost chuckled. It was funny, in a way, how these two begged him to stop the killing. A year ago, who would've thought it'd come to this?

"If she's a good girl," Ben said, turning his eyes to him, "She'll go to heaven, eh Jesse?" Jesse didn't say anything. He just shook his head in disapproval. Dina tried to say something, but Jesse stopped her. He knew better there that the words didn't help. Ben turned his attention back to his men. "I expect you to be back soon. There's a lot to be done after I get my hands on the boy."

He watched his men mount up and ride out through the open gates. The snow intensified, falling in large snowflakes. It was good. They wouldn't be able to escape easily without a horse with a blizzard looming over their heads. He would've ridden out himself, but he decided to stay and prepare himself for when they brought back the boy.

"Who are you?" Jesse asked, a disgusted expression on his face. "Fuck, dude. The guy I knew wouldn't go around ordering the deaths of young girls."

"Ben you knew was dead, Jesse." He said angrily, and raised his finger to stop Jesse from saying anything else. "I don't want to hear about it. I don't care what you think about this. They almost took her from me. They're my enemies. And I kill my enemies. I have no limitations. Not anymore."

Jesse smirked, "Fuck you, I won't let you kill the girl." Ben raised his eyebrow, "If you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me. Come on, Dina. Let's saddle up."

Ben stepped forward menacingly, but Jesse just walked past him, brushing against his shoulder. "Don't you dare, Jesse, or I'll-" Or he'll what? Kill Jesse too? "Damn it!"

Overflowing with blind rage, Ben walked off into the night. His men wouldn't hurt Jesse and Dina, at least he hoped so. Whatever Ben had become, he still wouldn't wish harm to his friends. But could he still consider them his friends? Once he cooled down a bit, he visited Ellie again and sat again by the window in her room, staring into the night and listening to the howling winds of winter and Annabel's giggles in his head. His enemies were always out there, waiting for him to show his weakness. Not anymore! Once, weeks ago, he had decided he must become stronger – where he had been iron, he had decided to become steel. It appeared that steel was too weak.

He would be harder, now. He understood now. Where he had once been steel, he became something else. From now on, he was something even harder. He had entered a place like the void. Within this voice, he had no emotion. None at all.

They could not break him or bend him.

It was done.