AN: This is the second posting of my 10th chapter, is something went wrong (I think) I hope this will work.

AN: Be prepared for a little more darknessas another secretof Mac's past year is revealed...

Disclaimer: DJE was delivered on my dorstep by FedEx. I won't return him. Do I have to? Oh well...

On with it...

CHAPTER TEN

She'd hoped she would be able to sleep through the whole night. Hoping the dreams would stay away. No such luck. The images that plagued her this night, alone in the strange bed in the silent bedroom, were those of a filthy rundown building in a poor district.

She could almost smell the chemical stench that somehow seemed to hang over any hospital or clinic, as her dream alter ego was asked to fill in an anonymous health questionnaire, before being taken down to a room with a steel table covered with paper. She was put down on it.

A doctor (or so she assumed) approached her and asked her to spread her legs. Than the torture began.

The pain was beyond belief. The soothing words from the nurse standing by hardly registered as she felt the life she was carrying being sucked out of her. She wanted to scream, but no sound came out of her throat. All she could think was 'I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry, so sorry…'

Then it was over. She was handed some napkins to swipe the sheen of sweat from her face. They forced her to take some painkillers and wadded some sanitary towels between her legs. She had no idea how bad she was bleeding. Everything was numb.

Half an hour later she stood outside again, wobbling, crying and shaking. Nobody took notice of her as she slowly, step by step, walked out of the street, passing by a young mother and her child on the way …to where?

Mac woke up after the unnerving dream, breathing heavily, covered in sweat. She had to get up, get out of bed, out of this room. Quickly she got out of the rumpled dress and found one of Harm's shirts to wear. As silently as possible, she went downstairs.

In the kitchen, she found her way in the many drawers and closets and came up with a mug, the sugar and some teabags. Making herself some hot strong tea, she sat down at the table to think.

It was the one thing she hadn't told Harm. Hell, come to think of it, she had banished the awful saga so deep in the very corners of her mind, she only now remembered she hadn't even brought it up.

Could she tell him? He was so happy he'd found her, he'd been so relieved to find out she still wanted to be a Marine (she did want to be a Marine), but when he would hear this…

He would hate her, he'd be repulsed by her actions. She would be if the roles were reversed. Even if being a stripper didn't matter to him, certainly he would draw the line at abortion. He was Harm after all, one of the most honorable people she knew. This would go against everything he'd ever believed in. How could she ever face him after she'd told him? But could she live with the secret if she didn't?

Harm woke up, momentarily confused by his surroundings. Where was he again? Soon though, he recognized the familiar shadows of his childhood toys. He was in La Jolla, in his old bedroom. And Mac was there too, hopefully still sound asleep. Come to think of it, why wasn't he? What time was it?

He glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. 02.56. What had made him wake up at this hour? Normally he was an easy sleeper, if not plagued by haunting dreams about plane crashes and wide oceans. So something had startled him.

Turning on the lights, he stood up to check downstairs, pulling on a tattered old sweater with a "US Naval Academy" print on it, on his way down. It was as old as his days at the academy, and originally not even his. If he remembered correctly, he'd borrowed it from Keeter and had forgotten to give it back. Oh well, not like he would miss it. But he did miss his friend. Note to self: call Keeter.

The lights were on in the kitchen and a slim figure clad in one of his t-shirts was sitting at the table, holding a mug of hot tea.

For a moment, Harm stood there, sucking up her beauty, even of she still looked so…vulnerable. Careful as not to startle her, he sat next to her.

"Hi Marine. Awfully late for a tea party."

"Couldn't sleep anymore."

As an afterthought: "Did I wake you?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. Something did. Couldn't sleep anymore either."

He stood up, grabbed himself a mug and made himself some tea.

"Want some more?"

As an answer, she handed him her mug.

Taking careful sips from the hot liquid, he sat down next to her again, mulling over how to proceed. He didn't want to force her into telling him how she felt, but he didn't like her silence either.

"Any reason why you couldn't sleep?"

She gave a rueful smile, stirring some sugar into her tea, but not drinking from it.

"Too silent."

"What do you mean?"

"Harm, normally I wouldn't even be home yet at this hour. And when I got there, all I had was one tiny bedroom for myself. You've seen it. I haven't had any real privacy, any piece and quiet for…for this entire year. And now that I'm away from it, it's taking some getting used to, to the quiet I mean. I can actually hear myself think. Does that make sense?"

He gave her a questioning look, wanting to hear more, but not daring to ask. She beat him to it.

"I know you're probably wondering about what it's like, you know, the stripping…to tell you the truth: it was awful. I hated it. I might have been good at it, but I hated it. It's degrading and I always thought I'd put the degrading part of my life behind me. But…"

She sipped her tea, more to gather her jumbling thoughts than to quench her thirst. Then, carefully choosing her next words, she continued.

"At least nobody asked any questions, nobody needed credentials, or diploma's. Nothing wrong with my body and my mind wasn't important. No paper trail, no credit cards, everything cash. A year ago, that was all I thought I wanted. Not to think, almost not to exist."

He nodded, but still had the eerie feeling she still wasn't telling him everything. Even more so than yesterday, a dark, moody cloud hung over her. Something bothered her, and obviously she was afraid to tell him.

"That's not all, is it?"

"What?"

"You heard me, Mac. I know now might not be the best time in the world, but you've been gloomy for a lot more reasons than you've told me so far. This can't be all about coming back to DC."

He grabbed her shaking hands in his own, gently caressing her knuckles.

"Sarah, whatever it is, you can tell me…did you start drinking again?"

She nodded silently, than shook her head immediately after that, confusing him.

"Yes, no, I mean…I did start drinking again. Just for a while, after…after all that had happened. But I managed to get a grip on it and I haven't had a drink in two months."

He sighed with relief. Her drinking again had been his first idea on the list of possibilities concerning her dark mood.

Number two was even worse, though. He hardly knew how to ask, but he'd taken the first step and there was no turning back.

"Did something happen at the club, someone trying to hurt you?"

Again, she shook her head, this time even managing a laugh.

"Sweet Sailor, someone always tried to get to us, that's why we had Derek. And I can still fight like a Marine, remember?"

This time, she squeezed his hands in silent comfort.

"Nobody got close enough to me to let that happen."

"Then what? Are you sick, dying, wanted for murder, having someone's twins?"

He'd meant the last words as a joke, as a way to vent his ever growing frustration, but seeing her shock, he halted the tumbling of his words.

"Oh my God. Is that it Sarah? Are you…are you having a baby?"

Breathe Mac, he's close to the truth, but he doesn't know it yet. Calm down and prepare yourself.

Interpreting her moment of silence the wrong way, the train of his thoughts derailed in its speed. Pregnant. No wonder she was upset. So this wasn't his baby. Didn't matter, he would help her take care of it. At least the father didn't seem to be around and he would deal with those questions later.

"Oh God, Mac, if that's the case, don't worry about it. We can handle it together if you want to. I mean, I can raise a child, we always wanted a child together, remember? So we're gonna be okay, unless… you're healthy right? Nothing threatening the baby?"

"Harm…"

"We should have gotten you maternity clothes. And you should get a doctor's appointment soon, just to make sure. I can take you there, maybe even tomorrow…"

"HARM!"

At her frustrated scream, he finally ended his rambling, slightly panting from the effort. Now that she had his attention again, she looked straight at him. Taking a deep, calming breath, she braced herself for what was about to come.

"Harm, I'm not pregnant. Not any more."

He only looked confused, until his initial questions were replaced by a sickening feeling rising up from his stomach, a fear that was confirmed by her next words:

"I had an abortion."

How will Harm react? Read the next chapter...