Title: To Hold Back The Tears

Author: Elizbeth Goode

Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with Smallville, etc. I make no
money from writing fanfiction. In fact, I think I might be making negative
money writing fanfiction. In short, Elizabeth Goode has no money, don't
sue her.


Part I

Clark sank wearily onto the sofa in the loft. Physical exhaustion did not usually plague him due to his abilities, but this weariness was an emotional exhaustion that affected even his posture. In school, he wanted nothing more than to put his head down on his desk and sleep. Avoiding Pete and Lana was becoming a monumental chore, and his father's illness hung around his neck like a great weight. Chloe had been laying low after her bout of Kryptonite-influenced extreme invasive journalism, and Clark could not deny that he was at least slightly relieved to have one less person to actively avoid.

After superspeeding through the farm chores, his homework, and tidying his room, his mind was so cluttered with worry and guilt that he wanted to scream, but he knew that he couldn't. It would only frighten his mother, and she had enough to worry about without Clark's problems added to her own.

After the Kents had returned from their vacation, Clark had felt rejuvenated. Now, after all that had happened, it was all he could do to keep his eyes open and free of tears. The nightmares that plagued him whenever he dared give in to the exhaustion were by far reason enough to avoid sleep. Even awake, the sickening fear and helplessness he had felt
in Dr. Garner's lab occasionally washed over him, leaving him feeling cold and shaky. It had been two nights since his latest ordeal, and he had not slept, apart from accidental naps that he later regretted.

Jonathan Kent was due back from the heart specialist in Metropolis today, and Clark was determined to compose himself before greeting his father. It was proving much more difficult than he had anticipated. The slightest kindness from his mother was enough to reduce him to a five-year-old, clinging to his mother for protection and guidance. She had brought him some food, resting her hand on his shoulder for a moment as though considering saying something, then turning to leave. He had wanted to call her back, to run to her and let himself cry on her shoulder, but he knew that once he started, he would be unable to stop. His father must not know.

Martha had adamantly opposed keeping what had happened to Clark from her husband at first, but the truth of her son's concerns had convinced her to at least refrain from mentioning it immediately. If Jonathan heard that Lionel Luthor and Dr. Garner had immersed his son in liquid Kryptonite, there was no telling what he might do. With his heart weakened already, the results could be disastrous.

Clark heard the sound of a car door slamming shut, and heard his father shout, "Martha! Clark! I'm home!"

Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, Clark stood and made his way out of the loft to see his father.


For dinner, Martha had prepared a feast, featuring heart-healthy versions of Jonathan's favorites. It was an excellent meal, but Clark barely managed to eat a few bites before he opted instead to push the food around his plate to create the illusion of having eaten more. He tried to pay attention to the conversation, tried to smile and answer his father's questions about the running of the farm in his absence, but it was even more difficult than he had imagined.

"Did the truck give you any problems?" Jonathan asked, for the second
time.

Clark looked up startled. "What?"

"The truck, Clark. Did it run all right?"

"No problems at all, Dad." Clark attempted a smile, hoping that it seemed genuine.

"Good. The place looks great, son. You did an excellent job." Jonathan peered at his son from behind his glass. The boy had already lapsed back into his own thoughts. He doubted that Clark had even heard him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Martha reach under the table and squeeze Clark's knee affectionately. At the touch, Clark blinked, sitting up straighter.

"So, Dad. How was Metropolis? Did you have time to catch a Sharks game?" He grinned broadly.

Something about Clark's grin rang false with Jonathan, making his stomach feel slightly queasy. "No, it's the off-season. Besides, what fun would it be to watch a game alone? I'd need somebody with me to enjoy it." He smiled at his son. "You and me will go to at least one of the games this season. I talked to Pete's dad about it last week, and they're thinking about joining us."

Clark nodded, somewhat mechanically. Jonathan glanced at Martha and was surprised to notice that she seemed nervous.

"The doc thinks I'm making improvements. It's good news."

Martha smiled and nodded, but her nervousness didn't seem to fade.

Perplexed, Jonathan asked, "Is anything wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?"

He watched as Clark pushed his food methodically around the plate, making no reply.

Martha spoke up hastily, "Let's move into the living room for dessert. I tried to make a low-fat, low-cholesterol cake, but it didn't work out. I picked up a Jello mold from the grocery store this afternoon, and Ihaven't even taken it out of the bag! Clark, would you go to the kitchen and get the bag out of the fridge? Bring it in here with three plates, sweetheart."

"Okay." Clark took the majority of the dishes back into the kitchen and superspeeded through washing them. He gathered the plates and forks, then removed the bag. When he entered the living room, he set everything on the coffee table and pulled the dessert out of the bag.

The moment he saw it, he felt sick. The Jello mold was almost exactly the same shade of green as Kryptonite. The sight of the jiggling green dessert was more than his exhausted, traumatized mind could take, and he backed away from the coffee table, covering his face. "Mom ... "

Horrified, Martha Kent stared watched her son waver back and forth on his feet for a moment, then sank to the floor, still holding his head. Jonathan leapt to his feet, snatching up the Jello mold and running it out of the room. Seconds later, Martha heard the garbage disposal devour the entire dessert. When he returned, Martha was still frozen to her chair. Clark sat on the floor, his back pressed to the wall and his head resting on his knees.

"What just happened?" Neither Martha nor Clark replied.

"Are they making Jello out of the meteor rocks now?" Jonathan knelt beside his son. "It's gone now, son. Are you all right?" He reached out to touch Clark's shoulder and felt him flich away. He looked helplessly to his wife. "They're using the meteor rocks in Jello?"

Martha shook her head. "No, they're not. There wasn't any Kryptonite. Was there, Clark?"

"No." His voice was quiet, barely audible.

Jonathan looked from his son to his wife and asked gently but firmly, "Martha, tell me what happened while I was in Metropolis."

She hesitated, and Jonathan asked again, "I need to know, Martha. Something happened to make my son react to green Jello like that. What was it?"

Clark raised his head, his blue eyes wide with fear. "No, Mom! You can't …"

Impatiently, Jonathan Kent interrupted. "Yes, she can. Martha?"

"Jonathan, you have to promise not to do anything dangerous. We weren't going to tell you right away because Clark was afraid you might get hurt."

Gripping his son's hand tightly, Jonathan scooted closer to Clark. "I wouldn't leave him like this. No matter how bad it is, I'm not leaving him, even to storm the gates of the Luthor estate, if, as I suspect it will, it becomes necessary."

Convinced that Jonathan would not try anything, at least not immediately, Martha told him all that she knew. "Lex was undergoing treatment with Dr. Garner at Summerholt to try to get his memories back. Clark was concerned and tried to stop him. He even appealed to Lionel to stop Lex, but ... "

Jonathan did his best to remain calm. "But what?"

"But two nights ago, Lex showed up at the door with Clark. He was barely dressed and he was dripping with - with liquid Kryptonite."

His grip on Clark's hand tightened even more, but he pressed his lips tightly shut to hear the rest of what Martha was saying.

"Dr. Garner immersed him in a tank full of Kryptonite. It was the treatment he'd been using on Lex to help him to remember, but of course it wouldn't harm Lex." Martha sighed heavily. "Lex saved his life."

Jonathan felt sick, as though his dinner was going to make a re-appearance at any time. His son, his brave, strong son had been deliberately hurt. Dr. Garner had harmed his son with the only substance that could cause Clark true damage. Submerged his body into it. How long had Clark been there before Lex saved him? How long had he been in pain and afraid? What had been done to him? Anger burned brightly in the father's eyes – anger at Lex for getting Clark involved to begin with, anger at Dr. Garner for what he did to Clark, anger at Martha for attempting to keep it from him, and anger at Clark for taking on the burdens of the world yet again. Most of his anger, however, was directed at himself. What kind of father was he that he was so pitifully unable to protect his son?