Oh you people are amazing:) Cookies for all! tossing out baskets of choclate chip cokies
And of course... the second chapter. Who said feedback doesn't inspire a writer?;) (yeah, that's me hinting and fishing for even more reviews. Ah, yes, I'm constantly craving more. You people got me addicted you know;) )

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Love,
Jellicos

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Walking through the hall I did everything in my power to lose that horrible feeling of my heart breaking. I had been ignoring my feelings for six years; surely I could go on doing so. I mean I did well hiding my attraction for Gil for quite some time.

A smile spread across my face at the thought of my boyfriend. My boyfriend. The thought almost made me giddy. We where two of a kind, he'd been my mentor. He was smart and sweet and I cared for him a lot.

He was the one I was meant to be with, not Catherine. She was straight and besides, I had Gil.

It wasn't like I pictured her face when I made love to Gil.

Ok, so I did once, but there was a perfectly logical explanation for that.

We'd been working on a case together and… ok fine, so she was the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life. But that didn't matter much now.

I was with Gil and for the first time in my life I was happy, genuinely happy.

And Catherine was and always would be completely straight and utterly uninterested in me.

Then why couldn't I stop thinking about her?

There is a scientific explanation for attraction, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play tricks on your brain. Dopamine is one (that is also activated by cocaine and nicotine I might add.) And of course adrenalin that starts you sweating and gets the heart racing and serotonin just makes you go insane. It's just chemicals; attraction is as much in smell and genes as it is in looks and personality. So in reality, love is just a false illusion created by our own hormones.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that Sidle.

I am! Stop interrupting me! It's true!

Kinda…

Stupid brain… I started wondering if having inner arguments with yourself was another sign of insanity. It probably was, but so was having a crush on your co-worker for so many years.

I sighed and flipped my folder shut. I had a great man in my life, I was happy and work was going great. So why couldn't I just forget about her? Why did I insist on screwing things up for myself? Was I so scared of actually being happy for once? Guess my actions would have to prove the answer to that.

"Hey Sara, could you cover for me a moment? I have an errand to run." His voice made me smile. Sure we played it professional at work. No one knew about us and we wanted to keep it that way. But his small smiles, the warmth in his voice, it was enough to make me feel safe and loved.

"Yeah sure Grissom, but you owe me one." I said casually and smirked at him. He just winked before walking away. And I felt good again because I had Gil. He cared about me just for the awkward geek I was. I never needed to pretend, to act like I was someone I would never be. He liked that I was smart; he fed my curiosity and he smiled every time he found me reading one of his forensic books. To tell the truth, I think I had become even more of an introverted geek after I started dating Gil. Christ, I was even starting to understand his stupid jokes! Somewhere I started to wonder if this was good or bad, but decided that nothing that made me feel at ease could really be bad.

It was Gil who confronted me about my past; he was the first one I ever told.

But then Catherine was the one that took me out after hard cases or my break up with Hank-the-bastard. She was the one who never pushed but always made me feel so good that I just voluntarily relaxed and spilled my guts to her. And she just listened.

I chuckled. Besides, she didn't take any of my crap either. God she was a pain in my ass.

I didn't even notice the little smile on my face until I almost literally ran into Nick by the break room.

"Whoa, easy there." He held up his hands and smiled at me.

"Sorry Nick." I looked up at him and my eyes widened as I saw the large bouquet of roses in his hand. "You never struck me as the kind of guy to get roses."

He looked down at the very handsome and traditional arrangement of red roses and baby's breath in his hand and then smirked at me.

"They're not for me, they're for Catherine." He said and my heart sank to rest on the bottom of my shoes.

"You're sending roses to Catherine?" I asked stupidly and Nick shook his head.

"No, I like my head where it is thank you Sara. They where sent to the reception. I'm just a messenger." He explained. I wasn't sure if this made me feel better or worse. None the less, someone was sending Catherine red roses and I didn't like it one bit.

I send him a small smile before walking past him, suddenly losing my craving for coffee I instead turn to the closest empty lab.

The room is quiet except for the fluorescent lights humming in the ceiling, filling my head with its soft noise. Someone was sending her flowers. And not just any flowers but a bouquet of red roses. Sighing I leaned over my folder again, mindlessly flipping through the content that I already knew by heart by now. My mind started building images of the person who would have sent them. I didn't know any of her boyfriends as of late, but in my mind he was tall, muscular, dark haired, young, handsome… The average pretty boy. The kind that Catherine was often seen with, the kind that made other women drool. The kind I hated with all my heart and soul, because they where the ones she picked over me.

Where did that come from? Sidle, stop it this instant!

I threw the folder across the room and buried my face in my hands. What would I have to do to get her out of my mind? Damn her!

Alright, time for rational thinking. It's proven that you often want what you cannot have, simply because it's out of your reach. Well, Catherine certainly fell into that category.

So that was it, I wanted her because I knew I could never have her. Right? Yeah, that made sense. And let's not forget the chemical reactions, simple recipe of hormones that made you insane and delusional.

"Sara…" Would the chemicals make every cell in my body shiver at the way she said my name? Yes it would, now answer her, look at her, and forget those stupid ideas you have.

"What's your folder doing on the floor?" She asked and I looked over to where my folder was laying sprawled across the floor.

"I got frustrated. What can I do for you?" I quickly diverted any questions from my outburst with the folder as I went over and picked it up, placing all the photos and lose papers back inside it.

"Have you seen Grissom?" She asked and inwardly I sighed deeply.

"He had some errands to do, but he should be back any time." I said quietly, not turning back to face her.

"Thanks." Her low whisper almost broke my heart.

"Nice flowers you got." I was still not facing her, it wasn't safe right now. But I could hear the surprise in her reply.

"He told you?" She asked and I was wondering why that surprised her so much.

"Well, I sort of ran into him with the bouquet in his hands." I said, finally turning and raising a brow in order to masque what my face really wanted to do.

"You…" She looked at me with confusion, then turned to look down the hall as if the explanation she was looking for would come running down it any minute. And to my surprise it seemed like it had, because when she turned back it looked like everything made sense to her again. "Oh, you ran into Nick?" She asked with what appeared to be a relieved smile. Now I was getting suspicious, and I bet it was audible in my voice.

"Yeah, what did you think I meant?" I asked, wondering where the slight hint of accusation came from.

"Forget it Sara." It was a casual phrase, but the hint of disappointment was not lost on me. Bending my head down to scratch my neck I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk to her without getting that accusing undertone in my voice. After all, it wasn't her fault that I was so attracted to her.

But as I turned to talk to her, she was gone.

Damn her for making me feel this way! All thought of the momentary remorse where gone; now the anger and confusion where the only things boiling up inside me.

I stood there for a while, my feet as if planted in the ground and my gaze fixed on the spot where she'd been standing just moments ago. Her scent was still lingering in the air and my body had yet to calm down from her voice speaking my name. Those soft lips wrapped around every letter that brought together made up the word that my identity rested upon.

Damn her!

I didn't ask for this. For once I just wanted things to be simple. I wanted to enjoy the fact that Grissom was finally looking at me as a woman and not just like any other co-worker. I wanted to relish in the fact that I went to bed at night, not alone, but with a man I cared deeply for and respected.

I wanted to smile at the fact that he had woken me up today with breakfast in bed, saying it may not be practical, but that I deserved to be pampered.

I wanted to laugh at the fact that he then laid down beside me and started reading Sherlock Holmes to me and I wanted to take pride in the look he gave me after I told him that breakfast and murder mystery novels simply do not work well together.

So I decided I would do all that. After all, Catherine was and never would be anything more than a fantasy of mine. A silly fantasy with no bases in reality what so ever.

But Grissom was real. His warmth at night was real. And he would hold me after I had my nightmares. Sure he would never understand, I never expected him to. But he was there for me and he cared, that was more than I'd ever had before.

Why did I always have to be so intent on ruining anything that would be good for me? Grissom was good for me, so I had to go looking for some way to ruin it.

Ok, so I'd wanted Catherine since day one, that wasn't the point. Actually I wasn't sure what the point was anymore.

Damn her for making me feel this way!

Damn him for being so sweet!

And damn me for fucking things up!

Yeah, that's right Sidle. Blame everyone else because you can't allow yourself to be happy. Why not blame mom and dad in the process.

Alright, so indirectly it was completely their fault that I could never seem to rest in something that was safe and made me feel good. But I was grown up now and the responsibility to make things right in my life was all mine now.

I didn't like that thought. I liked it better when I could blame someone else.

But the truth was that I couldn't.

Suddenly my mind drifted to our brief conversation. I'd been to busy trying to control myself I hadn't realized the content of the words we had spoken.

She'd thought I meant someone else… but whom? A man of course. Only a man would send Catherine Willows red roses, and she did say 'he'. But 'he' must be someone I knew because she asked if 'he' had told me. And the 'he' in question could not be Nick because she just ruled him out herself.

What was I doing? Playing detective games in my own mind? And for what? To find out who sent my co-worker red roses?

You weren't supposed to care, remember Sidle?

Ah, who am I kidding, of course I care. But not for long. This has to stop and it has to stop now. And I knew just how to put an end to my attraction for Catherine Willows…

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aaah, there it is again, the oh-so-pretty button to feed my ego, make my day and hurry up the writing of the third chapter;)
And to answer your question; no I have no shame or pride when it comes to begging for reviews;)