Thank
you all so so much! Your reviews are pure oxygen!
And I know that
I'm torturing you with cliffies and stupidity, but never fret my
dears, how could I deny our pretty ladies what they want? Well, if
they'll co-operate with me that is;)
The plot to the former
chapter was completely inspired by the very talented Sapho's
Daughter who is as much of an angst-whore as I am:p
Well, here
is the next chapter and I hope you'll all like it.
You
rock!
Love,
Jellicos
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"I should get going." Stop me, please stop me…
"Sara?" Yes!
"Yeah?" Be cool….
"Never mind…" I'm so delusional….
I'd been driving for hours, trying to figure out what exactly had happened in the locker room. Without letting anyone know I'd run out of the labs, and just driven around. I like to drive when I need to think. The desert flying by the window is calming in some odd way.
But I couldn't make sense of what had happened.
We'd been arguing. That was nothing new. But then her lips had been on mine and I'd lost all comprehension of where I was or when. It had been… No! Shut up! No.
I'd slammed my hand against the wheel of the car. No! I was not thinking this! Reason, logic… Relax Sidle….
Okay, so we'd kissed. But why?
There was a scientific explanation for this. The adrenaline rush clouding your judgement, tension in the air that easily can be misinterpreted because you're so caught up in the heat of the moment. Well, that had to be it then… Adrenaline, tension and... uhm… yeah… heat…
I had ignored my cheeks burning because suddenly I had realised where I was.
Driving aimlessly has a downside… finally you get to a destination.
I'd stopped the car and got out. Walking a few feet I saw the mailbox; Catherine and Lindsey Willows. Still not quite sure how I'd ended up there, I walked up the driveway none the less. It was strange, how just the sight of her house made me feel weird inside. Like the pavement was softer just because it was on her driveway. God, I really was insane.
I don't know how long I sat there, my mind had a pace of its own.
And then she showed up. For some reason I hadn't expected her too. She'd invited me in and I'd just blurted it out. Tension.
Two minutes later I was back in my car and still driving around. I hadn't turned my cell phone on again. I saw no reason to.
What had I expected anyway?
That she'd confess her undying love for me because I showed up with a lame explanation for what had happened?
I didn't know what exactly I'd expected. I mean, Catherine is straight and I should know that by now. For god's sake, she's showed off enough boyfriends to prove it without doubt.
Tension. That's what it was for her. She'd gotten caught up in the moment, and it had just happened. She sure didn't stop me…
But why would she? And why would I want her to anyway?
I had Gil. This sweet and wonderful man who'd been with me through everything. When my past came back to effect my world as well as my work, he was the one to pull it out of me. He was the one who held me all night.
He put his career at stake for mine when I got the DUI, and he never doubted me.
He was my best friend. And yet I simply couldn't get Catherine out of my mind, and I hated myself for it.
I knew now that nothing would ever happen with Catherine, whether I wanted it to or not.
But did I want Gil? Did I love him?
Slamming the breaks, I decided that I needed other things on my mind because I simply didn't like where my inner monologue had taken me.
For a moment I just stood there. In the middle of the street in downtown Vegas.
The dim light from the bar was pulling at me, drawing me in. I really wouldn't mind a couple of drinks right now. My throat begged me, my fingers itched, my body made tiny jerks in the direction of the bar, but finally my feet turned and walked towards the small diner next to it.
When I got home several hours later, I hadn't had a single drink and I just wanted to sleep.
I called Gil, told him I was fine and would see him tomorrow. I knew he wanted more, but I couldn't give it to him now. He wanted an explanation and I didn't have one.
Right now all I had was confusion. And a desperate need for a few hours sleep before the next shift which I knew would be hell. How did everything get so complicated anyway?
I knew right of the bat that something was going on when I came to work the next day.
People where acting real funny. Even Hodges was acting more insane than usual. I never thought that would be a possibility. And why where people looking at me like that?
"Hey Sara?" Great, I was caught. Forcing a smile I walked up to him.
"Evening Greg, you're in a good mood today." Grinning from ear to ear would qualify as a good mood. I was sure I wouldn't have to ask why, he'd volunteer that information in a heartbeat.
"Actually, I'm a bit hurt." He confessed, but he was making his mock hurt gesture to his heart. God, I was not in the mood for his theatrical jokes.
"Oh?" I said without interest. I really didn't care what scheme he had planned today.
"You and the big boss?" It was a statement he made with raised eyebrows. I felt my body go cold. "And all this time I thought you and I had something special."
I stood there for a moment, not sure I had heard him right. But that smirk was unmistakable.
He knew. But how?
Without a word, I strode down the hallway. Someone had a hell of a lot of explaining to do and I knew exactly where to find him.
Throwing the door open I ignored the fact that there might be other people in his office.
God I really hated that foetal pig in a jar.
"Grissom what the hell!" Standing behind his desk he looked up at me with a genuinely surprised expression, a jar of cockroaches in his hands.
"Sara…" He walked past me and closed the door, then gently laying his hands on my arms.
"What's going on Gil?" I asked him as he led me to the chair in front of his desk. I was going to argue, but for some reason I didn't. I just wanted to know.
"They know." He said simply. I hated it when I couldn't read any emotions from him.
"Yeah I figured that." I said sourly. He seemed a bit surprised and I wasn't sure why I was so upset about people knowing about us. Actually I did. I just didn't want to admit it.
"Yesterday, you just stormed out." He was pacing in front of me. Gil didn't pace and I was getting slightly anxious. "Your cell phone was off. I was worried."
"You called Catherine." I stated quietly. He stopped and looked at me with a questioning gaze.
"I ran into her and she told me." Oh god, now I was lying to his face.
"Yes, I called Catherine." He said with a nod of his head, accepting my explanation. Shit, now I felt even worse than before.
"I called her and I called the rest of the team." He said and my jaw dropped slightly. "I was worried about you Sara." He was looking at me and I was standing again.
"I needed some time to think, that's all." I said defensively.
"I know that now." He admitted as he sat down on his desk. "The bottom line is that they know." He continued and looked up at me. "I didn't think you'd mind."
"Mind? How… I…" In lack of words, wild hand gestures took over.
"I know you wanted to tell everyone from the beginning, so I didn't think you'd mind now." I sighed at his reasoning. It was logical and that was to be expected from Gil. Damn it! Of course I minded! But I couldn't very well tell him why I minded.
"Look, it's fine, ok?" I said and made an attempt for the door, but he stopped me.
"Sara?"
"Yeah?" I turned around. Wrong time, wrong person.
"Can we talk about this?" Damn it! Damn her! Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had? He stopped me, not her. And still I kept wishing it was the other way around. How emotionally self destructive could I get anyway?
"There is nothing to talk about Gil." I said my voice much softer. "It's just going to take some time to get used to, you know?" I was going to hell for this.
He just nodded his head and I took the chance to find my way out through the door. What the hell was I going to do now?
It wasn't as bad as I thought. We did our job; the guys seemed the same as always, as if nothing had changed.
For once I was grateful that Catherine and I weren't working the same scene. How was I going to face her?
Nick and I had a DB in a hotel room. I hated hotel rooms. If people knew what was on the sheets, tables and floors of these places they'd never leave their homes.
We did a good job and with Nick's help I managed to get everything besides the evidence out of my mind. I never thought I'd be grateful for being a work-o-holic.
But the peace of mind was short.
When we got back to the labs, she was there, standing and talking to Bobby. God she looked amazing. As she leaned against the table I could only see her back, the blue blazer and matching slacks, her back almost hidden under the strawberry blonde mane of hair.
"Hey Sara! You got something for me?" It was Bobby's voice and now she was looking at me. Steady Sidle.
"Don't I always." I gave him a little smile as I walked up to them both and handed him the Ziploc bag with the bullet.
"Nine mill." He said as he pulled the bullet out of the bag. "I'll get right on it."
"Don't want to keep the bosses girl waiting." My head snapped in her direction but she'd just spat it out and walked away. What the hell was that about? She had some nerve!
"Don't mind her; she's been in a mood all day." Bobby said in his usual comforting tone. I nodded my head at him.
"Thanks Bobby." I said before turning and walking out, back to my own work. What was going on with her anyway? I thought it had been resolved. She'd gotten carried away and things had gone out of hand. Maybe she was embarrassed? Or she blamed me. After all, she was straight, so it probably was my fault. And I had showed up at her place unannounced.
Well, I'm just glad she didn't know about the fantasies I had after first meeting her then.
If she got pissed at me because of this, she should only know now I had pictured her.
Oh, great. Now I'd be walking around with those images all shift. I should just go home. It wasn't like I could concentrate like this.
Like she had anything to be pissed about anyway! I was the one who was seeing someone I cared about. I was the one who had feelings for her, not the other way around. If anyone should be pissed, it should be me! Wait…
Stopping in mid pace, I leaned against the wall, my face in my hands. Feelings? Oh dear god, I had feelings for her… When did this happen?
Wow Sidle, you sure now how to screw things up don't you?
Okay, so I'd always known I had feelings for Catherine, but… no! It would pass. Crushes happen… so this crush had been going on for about six years or so and it kept getting stronger and I would see her face every time I closed my eyes, my heart would race every time she spoke… Oh god no, I couldn't deal with this right now!
Catherine was straight. I was with Grissom who I cared very much for. He's a wonderful man and a good friend and I was not about to leave him because of some stupid crush.
Walking past the open lab, I could hear Catherine and Warrick talking. God I really didn't like him. He was married and he still kept flirting with her every chance he got.
"All I'm saying is that it's unethical." Her voice still made my insides turn to jelly. "Dating co-workers is never a good idea." I wasn't sure why my heart dropped just then. But it wasn't because she though it a bad idea for me and Gil to date.
"Cath, if they're happy then it's all that matters, right?" Warrick reasoned and I really didn't like his soft tone.
"Yeah, whatever. I still don't think it's gonna last." She muttered. I wasn't sure what compelled me to do so, but the next second I was standing in the doorframe.
"Care to elaborate on that Catherine?" Arms crossed over my chest I gave her the look she knew was a dare. I must have startled her, but it took her about half a second to compose herself perfectly and return the look. Dare accepted.
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-mwaaaaaaaaahahah-
Evil cliffies;) Okay, I am slightly sorry about that because I know
that was just mean. But… you know what helps the inspiration,
right? ;) It's right down there on your left... :)
