Wow,
you guys are fantastic!
This is for you, all the wonderful readers
who have dropped your amazing words in my mailbox. What would I do
without you
all?
Love,
Jellicos
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Chapter ten: The Break-up
Horrible, just horrible. Tears where rolling down my face as I sat on my bed, watching the full bottle of beer that was standing open on my bedside table.
"Gil, we need to talk"
"Sara, what's wrong? You're shaking, come on in."
The thought of his worried expression, the way he wrapped his arm around me as I walked in the door and the look on his face as I pulled away from him. It all hurt so much.
That bottle of beer didn't look that bad right about now…
"Gil… I…" Deep breath Sara, you owe him at least the truth.
"Sit down." He pulled me to the sofa. "Can I get you anything?"
"I can't do this."
"Well… something to eat then?" No, don't give me the obliviously confused look, please!
"No... I can't do… this." Gesturing between the two of us seemed to clear it up for him.
"Oh…" He sat down in the chair opposite me.
"I'm sorry, I-" I started, but he looked up at me as if still not getting the idea.
"Was it that I told the team? Because they're fine with it." He reasoned and I shook my head.
"No, Gil, it's nothing like that…"
"Is it Catherine?" Shocked, I looked up at him, wondering how on earth he knew.
"I…" How was I supposed to say this?
"Sara…" Oh God, now he was holding my hand. "I needed some tips. I'm not good at this dating thing, you know that. So I asked the one person I knew to be up to speed on it. I'm sorry."
"No…" No, no, no, no. Realizing what was going on, I stood up. If I was going to do this, I'd better do it fast, and I'd better do it now. "Remember how I asked you to kiss me at work today?"
"Yeah?" Now he was looking all quizzical again.
"I needed to find out." I sighed and turned away. How was I supposed to face him while I did this?
"Find what out?" I heard him stand up.
"If I loved you." I almost whispered.
"And?" I'd never heard his voice so hard before.
"Gil, I care about you so much!" Great idea to turn around Sara. Seeing his expression made the tears form in my eyes. "You're my best friend, and this time we spent together has been great!"
"Don't give me that." I'd never seen him like this. It wasn't hurt in his eyes, it was anger. His face was stale and his expression emotionless. But it was the hardness of his voice that almost frightened me. "If you're going to do this, at least do me the courtesy of doing it quick and honestly."
"Alright, you're right." I took a deep breath to steady myself. This was going to hurt… bad.
"I love you Gil, but I'm not in love with you. I didn't think it mattered, didn't think it would make a difference. I felt safe with you and I figured that was all that mattered."
"But something happened." He said carefully. He wasn't looking at me anymore; he'd grabbed something from the bureau and was twirling it between his fingers.
As he turned, my heart broke. He was holding a tiny butterfly in his hand. The kind that we'd found in the Debbie Marlin case. I knew then that he knew. Dr. Vincent Lurie had killed Debbie because he'd sacrificed everything for her love, only she'd fallen for someone else. Grissom's speech in the interrogation room had been the first sign that he loved me.
"Who is he?" He asked. There was more than anger in his voice now, but what it was, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
"It doesn't matter Gil." I tried, but he wouldn't budge.
"It's Greg isn't it?" My incredulous look seemed enough to convince him he was reaching for straws.
"Let it go, please. It doesn't matter." I whispered urgently.
"No!" I jumped. He'd never shouted at me like that before. "I think I have the right to know who's going to replace me in your bed."
"Fuck you Grissom." I hissed and started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm.
"Who is he?" I turned.
"No one is replacing you because even if I'm in love with someone else, they don't love me, ok?" I shouted back, catching him off guard.
"They?"
"She." I confessed. He raised his brow and after a few seconds gave a chuckle.
"You're telling me you're gay?" I'd never seen him act like this, yet alone sound like that.
"No. Bisexual." I corrected him.
"You… You're really in… love with a woman?" The words seemed to hurt him, though his curiosity and disturbing amusement seemed to take the better of him.
"Yes." I answered. Not wanting to say much more, I watched him sit down again.
"Gil?" I tried, but he just waved a hand at me.
"Just go." His voice was tired and I felt like shit for having caused him all this pain.
"Will… Will we be ok?" I asked tentatively, knowing now was definitely not the ideal of times to ask this, but since I just broke up with my boss, I needed to know.
"I don't mix my professional life with my private one." And with that, he shut down.
I'd gone through the conversation again and again in my head, and every time I did, Grissom seemed to get angrier and angrier.
In the end I did no longer see him hurt and angry, I saw him furious, yelling.
Why did I always mess everything up?
The knowledge that I'd finally done the right thing didn't help much. Grissom wouldn't exactly thank me for breaking up with him, even if I did it for the right reasons.
Great.
Now here I was again, alone and miserable.
Standing up, I grabbed the bottle of beer and took a big swig. The liquid flowing down my throat had the same effect you get when you scratch a mosquito bite you've been trying to ignore for way too long. Tickling down my throat, I felt much more than my thirst disappear.
Pulling the bottle from my lips, I inhaled deeply, drying my mouth with my sleeve only to realise I'd emptied half the bottle in one large gulp.
Well fuck. If I was going to do this, I was going to go all the way.
Getting another bottle out of the fridge, I emptied the first one, telling myself that I deserved some comfort. Hell, I'd just broken up with my best friend, who also happened to be my boss, and the woman I loved was currently on what appeared to be a very nice date with some ugly brunette.
So yes, I was entitled to a few beers.
Three bottles later, I realized that my stash wasn't as full as it had been back in the days when I drank regularly.
I really shouldn't have any alcohol at all at home according to that stupid program that Grissom and Ecklie made me take.
I'd always reasoned that the four bottles where there for safety. That having them there gave me some sort of comfort. I knew I had booze at home so in case things got really bad, I wouldn't be without. That helped me stay clean. When I felt the need, I'd look at them, remember the worst times, and then close the fridge.
Didn't matter much now, did it?
Sighing, I grabbed my jacket, purse and keys and walked out of the apartment.
I didn't take my car keys. One DUI was enough. Sure, I hadn't had that much, but it was enough in case I got pulled over.
The pimply teenager at the cash register just smirked as I hauled two six-packs onto the counter.
"ID?" He asked, trying to sound older than he really was. I didn't even argue, but handed him my driver's license.
"Nice picture." He smirked.
"Nice try." His smirk faded.
"That'll be $9.20." I paid and shoved the beer into two paper bags.
For a brief moment I wondered why the hell there was a fire alarm going off in my head. Opening my eyes, I saw that I'd passed out on my living room couch.
"Shit!" I hurried to my feet to pick the leaking bottle from the floor, but staggered and stumbled over my feet. "Fuck!"
Landing gracefully on my ass, I grabbed the bottle from the floor and held my other hand to my head. Why wouldn't that ringing stop?
Looking up at my sofa table, I saw my cellphone lighting up. Without thinking, I grabbed it and flipped it open, only to drop it on the hardwood floor.
"Damn it!" I cursed loudly and slammed the bottle down on the table as an aggression relief. But it only managed to hurt my head.
"Sara?" I froze. The tentative voice coming from the other end could only belong to one person. Shit, shit, shit! What did I do now?
"Hey Catherine." I said stupidly as I held the phone to my ear. Oh god… why won't my heart stop pounding holes in my chest?
"Are… are you ok?" She asked carefully and I sighed. Some impression to make.
"Yeah, just woke up is all." I lied.
"Oh…" God she has the most beautiful voice. "So you're talking the day off then?"
"Huh?" What was she talking about? Taking the day off? It was only… Shit! My head snapped up to the digital clock on my desk. Shift started ten minutes ago. "Fuck!" I sprinted to my feet only to fall back, stumbling over my armchair.
"Sara? What happened?" Great, now I made her worried. "You want me to come over?"
"No!" I yelled before I had time to think. I didn't want her to see me like this, or see my apartment for the first time, littered with empty beer bottles.
"Fine, just trying to be nice." Her icy voice tore through me like a steel blade.
"No, I'm sorry, I…" Shit, way to go Sidle. "Just… could you tell Grissom I'll be in as soon as I can?" I carefully got to my feet and started to clean up the worst with my shoulder supporting the cellphone by my ear.
"Yeah, sure." Wonderful. She was still pissed. There was a silence for a second and I was sure she heard the bottles clink together as I dumped them in a plastic bag.
"Ok, thanks." I stood quiet for a moment. I still didn't know why she called. Then I remembered the time. Well, I didn't have time to ask her now. "Look, can we talk when I get there?" I so needed a shower.
"Yeah, no problem." Wait… was that confusion? "See you in a bit then."
"Uhm, yeah." She hung up before I could ask.
Great, Sidle, just fucking great. Drink 'til you pass out, get woken up ten minutes after shift starts by Catherine Willows calling. And not only that, you pissed her off!
And the idiot-of-the-decade-award goes too…!
Okay, clean up will have to wait. Now I need a quick shower, brush my teeth, find a bag of cough-drops and haul ass to work.
Well, if Grissom needed a legitimate reason to fire me, now he would certainly get one served on a silver platter.
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So, what do you think? I need some plot inspiration;) Any ideas?
