Well my darlings,
sorry for the long delay. Had a semi-would-be-writers-block, but I
somehow managed to avoid it –knock on wood- Thank you all so much
for your reviews and I have taken all your wonderful ideas to heart:)
Some will be in this chapter, but most in the next; the one from
Catherine's POV.
I hope this one doesn't let you down and
I'll try to be quicker on the updates.
Now read, review and
enjoy my
dears:)
Love,
Jellicos
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Chapter twelve: The decision.
It felt like it was several days since I was last in my apartment, not two hours which was the actual time since I'd left this evening. How did I manage to screw so much up in merely two hours?
Well, at least I'd managed to drive to work without getting busted. But I think that was the only break I'd gotten tonight. Grissom had cornered me as soon as I got there, asking what the hell had happened between me and Catherine. I'd been so stunned I hadn't said a word at first.
He may be oblivious most of the times, but he's not stupid.
"For the love of God Sara, tell me it's not her."
"What are you talking about?"
"Did you dump me for Catherine?"
I hadn't known what to say. Of course I didn't. Catherine wasn't interested; she'd never give me the time of day. I broke up with him because it wasn't right to lead him on; I wasn't in love with him.
So I told him so.
Before I knew it, I was sustaining a verbal attack I hadn't counted on. At all.
"You think you can just show up at your own convenience? This is a place of work, not a dating service. So if it's not Catherine, then who? Sofia? Wendy? Mandy? Or did you actually find someone outside the lab this time?"
I knew he was upset, angry even. But this was nothing I'd ever expected of him. Grissom was always so level headed, so unemotional. But it didn't stop me from letting him have it.
I wasn't even sure what I was saying, I was just angry. He had no right! We talked about this before our first date, how to make sure it wouldn't be awkward if we broke up.
Apparently Ecklie didn't bother to investigate the subject. He'd pulled me by the arm, telling me to go home, that we would discuss this further tomorrow.
I knew not to go further on this. I'd messed up. So I didn't say a thing, but stopped by the locker room to pick up my spare change of clothes. Might as well take them home and do some laundry if I was going to spend the entire night at home.
I hadn't suspected her to be there, and when I saw her, everything boiled over. She looked amazing, and it just wasn't fair. And why had she told Gil about what had happened? Wanted to clean her slate before she got involved with that ugly brunette she'd been out with?
But I wet too far, much too far. So far in fact that she'd actually pushed me off her.
God, I needed help.
Pulling my hands though my hair, I sat there for a moment, looking at the big plastic bag full of empty beer bottles. It was then that I realized what I needed to do.
I needed to move, to leave. After what I'd done, no one would really miss her. I sighed and stood up, taking the bag of bottles. The walk down to the dumpster was a wake up call. I had to focus not to fall in the stairs, and it took all my will power not to continue walking and take a quick detour to the little market around the corner to get more beer.
Yeah, I was in trouble. And the worst part was that I wasn't sure I really cared. After tonight, there where worse things on my mind then getting drunk.
I'd hurt Catherine. No, it was worse then that. I'd scared her. The look in those baby blues as I had cornered her, trapped her, it was haunting me.
No, I needed to do something, and it needed to be done now. Tomorrow I'd be going in to talk to Ecklie. I'd ask him for a transfer. There was no way he'd but up a struggle to get me out of the lab. Maybe he'd even throw a party because I was leaving. Catherine and Grissom would like that.
Ok, now that was settled. Then why didn't I feel any better? Ah, yes, I'd be leaving behind the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, the co-worker who would never think of me even as a friend after what I'd done tonight.
In surrender I picked up my cellphone and pulled a piece of paper from behind the mirror by the door. With a deep breath, I dialled the number.
"Casey? Hey, it's Sara. Are you busy?"
It was two hours later when we where sitting in my living room. Casey had dropped everything to come and see me. I knew I'd do the same for her, but still, it felt real good. But I guess that's what people do when they connect at AA. It was kind of funny. I'd attended two meetings, under loud protests. But it was in these meetings that I met Casey. She'd been one of those soccer moms, with three kids, a husband that worked way too much and a weakness for cognac. She was clean, never touched a drop since her five year old found her passed out on the toilet. And she was my biggest support in this.
"So what the hell happened Sara?" Oh, did I mention she was extremely direct and brutally honest?
"I fucked up Cass, badly." I sigh and lunge back in the couch, trying not to look her directly in the eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest and watches me intently.
"Yeah, I figured as much hon." Her voice is so warm that I look up at her in surprise only to see her smiling at me. "Let me guess… a woman?" I just semi smile and shake my head. She knows me too well.
"In a way…" I say, trying to stall. I know I'll spill everything to her, pour my heart out like it was bad milk, but I can't help but hope that maybe I could divert her attention for a bit.
"In a way? Who is she? What happened?" Ok, stalling didn't work. She raised a brow at me as if she'd just read my mind. Well Sara, time to fess up.
"About two months ago, Griss asked me out." I started and help up my hands to stop her excited cheers before they even started. She opened her mouth with a bright smile, but stopped as she saw my gesture. With an expression of sheer patience, she leaned back again and motioned for me to go on. I took a deep breath and continued.
"We dated, he's so sweet and caring and I felt safe, loved even." I sigh.
"But you didn't love him?" Damn, she's freakishly good.
"No, I didn't. I mean I don't. I… Well, I thought it was enough. I cared so much for him and he's handsome, caring, and he loves me. But, well…" I trailed off.
"There was someone else." She stated.
"Ok, who's telling this story, you or me?"
"Continue."
"Yes, there was someone else. I thought I could forget about her, get over it. I mean, she's out of my league and a co-worker-" As I stopped to take a breath, she sat up and looked at me.
"Catherine?" She asked.
"Yeah, Catherine." I sighed. Deciding to keep talking before she could start analyzing my answers, I continued. "I found out she'd been helping Gil with arranging dates, picking out flowers, gifts, everything about him that I fell for."
"Sounds like she knows you."
"She's a woman, she knows women." I corrected her. "We fought."
"You and Catherine?"
"Me and Catherine, me and Grissom. The tension was so high, we where yelling and calling each other names, and when she kissed me, I-"
"Whoa whoa!" She cut me off with her hands in the air. "She what!"
"Don't make a big deal out of it Cass." I sighed. "She's a tactile woman, sexual even. The tension got high, the adrenaline was flowing. I just happened to be there, I could have been Greg for all she cared." I spat the last part out, suddenly feeling in much need of a beer.
"So she's a slut?" She asked with a raised brow.
"Don't talk about her like that!" I hissed, scaring both Casey and myself at how threatening I had just sounded.
"Sorry…" She almost whispered, making me feel even guiltier. She'd rushed over to help me and I hissed at her. Well, she did call Catherine a slut in a way so maybe I should be glad I didn't strangle her… "So... how did you fall of the wagon then?" Change of directions, good call Cass.
"I told you, I broke up with Grissom." I answered, sounding much more relaxed now. Casey seemed to notice because she quickly gained back her usual stature.
"That's it?" And the cocked eyebrow was back too.
"No." Wow, I should compete in answering questions as vaguely as possible.
"Oh?" As long as I don't compete against Casey. Jeez that woman knows how to get me talking.
"I saw her…"
"Who?" She was getting frustrated and so was I. How could she ask who?
"Catherine!"
"Oh." It dawned on her. Then something else seemed to get her attention. "But, you see her every day." She stated looking confused.
"She was on a date." I clarified and the realization of the event dawned on her face like a soft veil of understanding.
"Oh…" Was all she said.
"With a girl." I sigh again feeling my heart start to crack all over again as I see the vision of the two of them in front of me again. That stupid bitch's hand on Catherine's arm, the way the blonde laughed so brightly at some idiotic joke the other woman had made. It drove me insane.
"A girl?" Casey's voice pulled me back to reality.
"A brunette." I added.
"She's gay?"
"No. I mean, I guess… I don't know!" I threw my hands in the air in a frustrated gesture as I stood up and started pacing the living room floor. "She was married, she has a teenage kid. I mean I've never seen or heard about her with another woman before. I always thought she was straight until I saw her with that ten-year-old ugly slut." I stop mid pace. What if that ugly slut was her first girlfriend? What if she'd been her first… I felt sick.
"Are you gonna tell her?" Looking to where the voice had come from, I saw Casey still sitting casually in my couch.
"Tell whom what?" I asked confused as I made my way over to sit with her again.
"Tell Catherine how you feel?" Was she insane?
"No. I'm going to ask for a transfer and be out of here by next week." I said determinately.
"A transfer?" She was watching me as if I had just sprung a second head. "Why!"
"Jesus Christ Casey! I just broke up with my boss, I'm in love with my co-worker who I messed up with so badly today that I doubt she'll ever want to see me again…"
"So you're just gonna disappear?" She asked me.
"Yupp." I said trying to sound much more determined about this than I really was. I knew it was what I had to do, but actually going through with it was so much harder.
"Without giving either yourself or her a chance?" I didn't even look at her.
"Casey…" I pleaded with her.
"Yes?" Did she have to sound so completely oblivious? She was doing it on purpose.
"Just… please, don't." I pleaded again, looking down at my hands fiddling with the hem of my top.
"She deserves to hear what you have to say. She deserves a chance Sara." God, her words just ripped through me.
"A chance to tear my heart apart?" I asked her, trying to sound angry but only managing in sounding small.
"Just hear me out?" She asked me and I couldn't deny her. "When you go in tomorrow, don't ask for a transfer." She foresaw my attempt to argue and silenced me with a gesture of her hand before I could get a sound out. "Just listen Sara." She said softly and I nodded. "You don't ask for a transfer yet. You ask for a few days off and the possibility to discuss a transfer when you get back. I those days off you'll have time to get things worked out, find out what you want, and tell Catherine how you feel before you move. No Sara." She stopped me from arguing again. "If you're gonna move anyway, why not tell her? Get it off your chest. You're gonna leave her anyway so why not take the chance before you do?"
We sat and talked for a few hours. She didn't leave until I promised to take a few days off work before even discussion a transfer and to call her on a daily basis until I got my feet back on the ground properly. She was the best of friends and I hated the fact that she was right. She was, wasn't she? Well, about the first part anyway. I'd promised to consider telling Catherine, but, well, she didn't know Catherine Willows and I wasn't feeling all that suicidal.
Should I call her? What would I say? I wondered if she hated me. I bet she did. I would have if I was her. After what I did today. Maybe I shouldn't call. She was probably just being nice.
Damn I needed a beer.
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Cath
and Grissom coming up;) You know what to do my darlings:) It's right there... see how pretty it is:)
