This is my first ever fanfic. It's MarkRoger slash, if you don't like, don't read. Oh and they don't belong to me, so dont sue.


Summary (or something like it): Mark hides, he knows it, Roger knows it, and Roger wants to know why. AU obviously.

Who am I, what do I want, more importantly, what am I going to do to get what I want.

I'm Mark Cohen, I want happiness, and I want love. How though, well, I know who I love, It's just the fact that I don't know if he loves me back.

Yeah, him, I'm in love with a guy. Not just any guy. I'm in love with Roger Davis, and I have been for a couple of years.

Yup, I know what your thinking. Mark Cohen, scrawny, pale, Jewish boy, dumped by his girlfriend for another woman, is in love with his best friend.

MRMRMRMRMRMR

I pick at my Capt'n Crunch and think. I've been doing that for a while now.

I see him walk in from his room, pick up his guitar and sit down on our sorry excuse of a couch. He hasn't done much else since Mimi left. He just sits and stares at his guitar. Not much more than that.

"Roger?"

A grunt.

"You need to eat."

An "Mrmph" this time. I pick up my camera and wind it up.

"Roger, you've been holed up here in the loft for only some almighty power somewhere knows." I try and act funny. It doesn't work.

Silence.

"You need to get out and do something, you need to live again. Ever since Mimi-"

MRMRMRMRMRMR

I know what I sound like. My voice is detached, almost robotical. I take my camera and film my cereal, the table, the floor, and the loft. Anything to stop myself from looking at him.

I know what I do.

And Roger does too.

"Stop it."

I turn around and see him looking at me. I can usually read him pretty well. For some reason, I can't, not now anyway.

"Stop what?"

The clueless act doesn't work. He knows that I know what he's talking about.

"You tell me to live. You tell me to get out again. Why don't you listen to yourself Mark? You're the one who's hiding. Detaching yourself from the world. Making yourself look like your observing, when all your doing is stepping aside. Tell me Mark, why?"

MRMRMRMRMRMR

He's standing now, arms crossed. There's an emotion flashing through his eyes. I don't know what it is. That's what scares me.

Something happens. It's like a dam breaking. I say things that I've meant to keep hidden, and I can't stop.

"Why Roger? Why I hide? Why I step aside? It's because sometimes I can't take it any more."

I raise my eyes to meet his.

"Sometimes I can't take the cold, the loft, the days without food. I can't take the fact that I can never be with the person that I love. The person that I fell for the moment I saw him."

I see his eyes widen. This wasn't what he was expecting.

"I can't stand the fact that he suffers, but I'm always there for him trying to make it better. I stand aside trying to make him happy. He's gone through everything. Girlfriends, drugs, death, withdrawal, girlfriends who leave him for drugs, but I've always been there whenever he needs me."

He knows now.

MRMRMRMRMR

"You ask why I hide Roger? It's because I'm scared. Scared that I may never be his before he dies. That's why."

I notice that tears are streaming down my cheeks. I notice that he's right in front of me. That he's wiping those tears away. That he's kissing my lips. That he's running his hands through my hair. That I have mine around his neck.

"Mark, I…I honestly don't know what to say. You've always been there for me, and it kills me to see you hurt. I don't think I'd be here with out you. I guess, I guess what I'm trying to say that I love you." I see that emotion again. That emotion that I was so scared of, but now I'm not. I know what it is. Its caring, love, compassion.

"I love you too, Roger. I always have, always will"

I have what I want. I have Roger and that I know he loves me back.

I figure everything else will fall into place.


A.N. Just like I said in the beginning, this is my first fic so feedback is welcome! Tell me how I did : good, bad, in between, purple. Heh.